Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Chenta Punya Hal

I remembered when I was dating an ex of mine, he was so adamant on keeping us unexposed.

He didn’t want his family or friends to know about me.

As for myself, after I was lectured by my father (this is the downside of living with your parents, free makan does not justify), I brought him home to meet them. I introduced him as ‘kawan’.

He was a nice guy, with a nice family. For some reason, all of the sudden, I thought, if he doesn’t want anyone to know about us, then this is not going to work.

I felt like it was a joke. So, I ‘buat hal’, covered it up, made myself look like a frikkin paranoid and it ended.

He bailed. I bailed, I gave up and I regretted it after that.

We didn’t talk to each other for nearly a year, when out of the blue I called him and ask him if I was in any way, repulsive when we were a couple that no one knew of. He said no. I asked him if I was arrogant during the course of our short three month stint, he said no, and I asked him if he really did like or possibly even ‘loved’ me. He smiled and he told me;

“You thought it was easy for me, it wasn’t.”


What went wrong? I was insecure, I wasn’t sure and I went paranoid just because he went missing for 3 hours. That’s what went wrong. And that was why even though we could talk about almost anything now as friends, it’s impossible for us to go back to square 1, although I did wish for it to happen. Heh, I am over that now.

Actually, now, I am not sure about this anymore. I am not sure if am fit to be in a relationship. The 3 hour missing incident, subconsciously I know that I was somehow trying to sabotage the relationship. I was afraid. I was freaked out. Kalut, kecoh, Malays call em’, kan cheong, Chinese call ‘em. (Sorry eh, not sure in Tamil what word they use… heh.)

So now, love me or hate me, I am just unsure, messed up, scared and fucked up. I am caught between my solo independence and being alone. Sometimes all the friends in the world cannot make up for that one special person you want to share even the littlest details in your life with.

This coffee makes me emo. No more kopi Cap Television for me! (Who the hell bought this and put in the pantry la???) Or could be this Cinta OST I borrowed from a friend of mine and this Anuar Zain song makes me sappy.


  1. Wah, ini worthy of buku Mills & Boon. Because of some event that happened in her past, girl purposely pushing away potential partner when they get too close. Is this true in you case?

  2. Pergh. Emo la plak.'

    "Sometimes all the friends in the world cannot make up for that one special person you want to share even the littlest details in your life with."

    Dear, bukan sometimes. Memang all the time. But that special person susah nak jumpa. So until we do, friends are the best consolation we have. Pretty soon, they will find their special person oso. What does that leave us with? Zilch kan?


    i dont know. maybe. likely. because i am sked leh...


    hmm.. that means have to go and find more single friends la saya.