Monday, October 21, 2013

Putting the Skinnies to Shame

Eversince I started yoga, many years ago, people asked me -- Why?

It's the same thing when I started having obsession for interval training -- Why?

The other golden question (Soalan Cepu Emas, in Malay) would be -- What motivates you to do all these self inducing torture?

Well, I started yoga because I love the challenge and interval training because of the rush. 

My motivation -- Duh. My fat ass of course. 

Most of the people who asked me questions on my 'fitness' regime, including my daily diet, are those who are skinnier than me. Some of them went the extra mile of scoffing my regiment. Most of them totally convinced themselves that they are not able to commit to exercise and churned out excuses. 

Things like ; 

1) I am not flexible enough for yoga 


2) I don't have enough stamina

Yeah, I have to make sure I GET my stamina.

3) I don't think I have the time

Don't think. Just do it.

4) I can't go one day without rice.


5) Yoga is for infidels

Yeah. And unhealthy habits get you 40 virgins in heaven? I don't think so.

6) You will still die no matter what anyways

Well, think about your husband/wife/kids who will have to carry you to your grave. Being fat is not helpful. (Pardon the lack of sensitivity.)

The thing is, people say that we shouldn't use the F word. Some people really didn't have a choice. Obesity can be genetic. Okay. Fair enough.

But these can be otherwise translated to just making up excuses. I recently come across a group of big yoginis. Some of them can even do certain poses that I cannot do for nuts. (Well.. I can't do... yet).

At that moment, the wheels in my overactive mind is turning. I went ; 'Damn. All these excuses I have been giving myself when I was not able to nail that variation of Hanumanasana. I am ashamed.'

As a skinnier person, I was put to shame by these yoginis' commitment to Yoga. 

So, from now on, I will stop making excuses for myself, or the incessant frustration I get on my mat when I was not able to nail a pose. 

Like how my Guruji said, some people need more time. Yoga is not about other people's standards, the standards had always been individual. As long as your intentions are pure, the poses will come. 

With Love, Namaste


Monday, October 14, 2013


So.. What's your calling?

Some people are happy living life without ever fulfilling or finding out what their true passion or calling is. They lived their whole life buried in other people's expectations without ever wondering about their existence in life.

Some said their passion is family, their calling is to take care of their children, their pride is their children.

No offense to this selfless notion and not that I have no respect for anyone who has that exact calling, I do think that sometimes, people put this as their calling, because deep inside, they lost their need for a calling, and went ahead for that thing in front of them. It's convenient. It's noble.

So this would be my so-called calling in life.

Earlier, I went for my 'lunch' (in brackets because it is at 12.15 am) with my bestie and he told me to look at what was in front of me.

I looked ahead, and I can see a plate of 'roti canai' (Paratha). With dhal curry.

So... my calling is.. to be.. an Indian bread. So I am to be kneaded?

Well, my point is, if you read my last entry, I have yet to know what I actually 'Want' to do. Even what am I actually good at. Sure, universe presented me with an opportunity for me to mull over it, but I can't be mulling over it forever. I am no trust fund kid and can't really go off to a foreign land, join an ashram and be an ascetic. (Although, believe me, if I have that chance, I would take it. This whole materialistic existence is bumming me out.)

My first job was as a waitress. I was waiting table, putting myself through my 'education'. And then I took on the Barista role at a local Starbucks. Dropped out, went back to JB, and took on a Customer Service Assistant job. The job was crappy, it was boring, it was... routine hell. I was at it for about 2 years plus, was given the opportunity to be a PR officer with the same company for about 3 years after.

Yes. I don't move jobs often, or, companies all that often. I am a loyalist. Sue me.

Public relations was interesting. Hypocritical, but interesting. I have all these different masks that I have to put on for different people. It was the first profession where I found out, with proper usage of sarcasm, I can get my way with my boss.

I landed in this company and in this job because 5 years ago, I decided that I need to move away from what my life was. I have just broken up with my ex, life was bleak, I hated living with my parents and I do think I need to... run away.

I ended up in this job.

I now run a call center, being all too familiar with all the crazy tech and telecoms jargons, and has a penchant for effective management, at least, I thought I do.

So.. is this my calling? Gosh.. if this is INDEED my calling, I would be thinking, how boring can my life be?

I see myself as a Jack (Jane?? Jill??) of all trades, but a master of none. If I do have one trait that I am a master of, it would be my ability to adapt, and to handle, whatever comes my way. Maybe not in the most perfect, university management theory way, but, in the most flawed, trial and error, honest self development way.

Which is better? I don't know.

Is this my calling? I don't know.

The bad news is, it might take a whole life for me to find my calling.

The good news is, I am already 34, I am almost halfway there.

So.. now... hurry on, Universe. Give me my calling.

With love, Namaste.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

What if Money Was No Object? - Alan Watts

If money is no object, these are the things I want to do. Really.

I want to learn Yoga in India, I want to live it, to be immersed in it.

See, it's not all about lifting your entire body weight off the ground. It is not all about looking great in tight pants.

It is about what I want to do.

I have been asking myself exactly what I want to do. In life, do I want to continue motivating people who does not want to be motivated? Do I want to keep myself in a corporate culture where it is ok to kiss ass and talk bad about other people when your ethics are questionable still? Do I want to, milk this dog eat dog world and go on being a goon?

No, I wouldn't want to. Unfortunately, the spoon in my mouth is neither a silver or a gold one.

I have a wooden spoon. It is wedged in.

I want to move to Bali and teach Yoga. I want to own a bicycle (Or a motorcycle, provided, my fear of the death machine is shed first). I want to have my own vegetable garden, I want to cook the best veg curry EVER.

I want to grow old and doing that happily, and with grace.

If money is no object, I would love to do all that.

Unfortunately, it is an object, for now.

With Love, Namaste. 

Monday, October 7, 2013


A few days ago, I discovered a lump on my left breast.

It's small, like a raisin, but it's there.

Now, I am fiercely defensive about my independence. The last thing I want, would be to impose on my family and friends. I hate depending on someone else for anything.

I wouldn't know how I would react if I am ever going to be diagnosed with a terminal disease and would have to depend on someone else to take care of me. I would not know how I am going to cope with that.

I made an appointment with my gynae. All throughout the weekend, I can't stop wondering what if it is cancerous. I would be a statistic. How it would be like for my family. My friends. I will lose almost everything I have worked for. And die... Young.

I was weirdly calm. The check up was quick. An ultrasound was performed and the doctor said with a smile..

`Well, there's really nothing to be concerned with. Let's take a look at your cervix just to be sure.'

So, I have a healthy ovary and the doctor was happy to affirm that I am fertile.

The lump turned out to be a small cyst, that will usually disappear after my menstrual cycle. Accidentally I had my menses a day after I made the appointment.

Hey what do I know, I only know how to be paranoid.

But, I was grateful, that it wasn't what I thought. I am grateful that I still have a chance to perfect my Dhanurasana.

Even if it is, life moves on.

With Love, Namaste.


posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


I have always personally thought that I am not good enough for Yoga..

Like really, like ass kicking yoga poses etc.

My muscles are much too tight and stiff.

Still struggling with jump throughs and jump backs. My limbs can't be straight enough.. etc.

So.. After 10 months of trying ... and pretty much convincing myself that I 'CANNOT' ever do it, this happened :

About 3 weeks ago, after working on my Hanumanasana for almost 4-5 months EVERY DAY, I did it. I frikkin' did a split aka the monkey pose.

This shot was taken last weekend, I was a bit more comfortable with the pose then. But that first time I was able to do this stance, I was psyched, I was so excited.

There is a glimmer of hope after all for us not so yogic non-vegan people!

With Love, Namaste.