Downtime thinking

My 'current situation' made me think about a lot of stuff. 

I have kept myself busy most of the time to prevent myself from thinking about things. 

I am unemotional at best, but I am vulnerable especially when I am on my own, left to my own devices, the worst being.. my mind. 

I kept myself busy with books and my Workforce Management Studies right now. I am trying to improve myself and also trying to keep myself occupied, now that I don't have to worry about attrition rates etc. 

On the job hunt front, I am trying to not think too much about  it. Things will come... at the right time. 

I will be ok. I think. :)

Namaste.

December 2013

Yes... it is now December, 2013.

Just  yesterday, I was thinking to myself... already?

I can hardly remember the things that  happened, to be honest. I felt that 2013 was kind of like a blur. I remembered the trips that I made, to Perhentian Island and of course the most recent, Hong Kong... but I can barely remember the rest of the things that  happened before or after that.

I have not been keeping track of things, although, I should.

I second guess myself a lot too.

Now, I am sitting in  a Starbucks, in the throes of the normal lunchtime crowd, trying to think of positive thoughts.

I still have no idea what I really want to do in life, of course. I don't think that  has anything to do with my professional training. I don't think I want to be an analyst all my life.

Oh well. Cheers to the rest of 2013. I will try to blog again if I can.

Namaste.

Black hole

A lot of things are happening in my life right now.

Well, not actually a lot. It just seems like a LOT because I over think stuff.

When I went for a short drive, through Jalan Duta and Parlimen, basically one big round to get home, yesterday, I realized what I was doing.

I was analyzing.

I was analyzing the things that happened to me, the people that were involved in them, and what was my reaction to it.

Was I acting accordingly, or not? Was I being over zealous, was I taking it for granted? Was I not protecting myself enough? Was I happy that my guard was down? Was I happy that I was about to be paid severance pay? Or was I bitter because I am now about to be dismissed and it seemed that I am either under or over qualified?

The truth is, there are currently 7.125 billion (And counting) people living on earth right now. There are 1.8 deaths per second and an estimated 370,000 babies are born worldwide everyday.

And where do I sit? I am one of those 7 billion people living their lives, struggling to survive their own battles, every damn day.

What makes my battle any worse or easier than my other fellow humans?

In a crowd of 7 billion? Nothing really. Probably, money, and who they have in their lives, but most of us, depends on who we are, what we choose, and what we do.

I find it amazing that as much as I would like to say that I have a black hole trying to suck me in its oblivion circumstances, there are 7 billion other types of black holes, hovering on top of each and every one of us.

Makes me feel small, and insignificant. On that note, I am trying to think about it in a bigger picture.

With Love, Namaste.

Freud's Requiem

In his book, Freud discussed impermanence and Transience.

I read his book, during my 'short but comprehensive' experience in the university, years ago. It was something that I borrowed from the university's library.

Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of things that pulled me down to a state of, depression.

The lay off was disheartening. Changes are coming, most of which I am most uncomfortable with. And the state of my personal life is not at all encouraging.

I have been having the urge to bawl like a baby from time to time. Sometimes I have no control over things I am crying over.

Suicidal thoughts run through my mind.

My friends, keep me grounded. My journal, keeps me sane. To a point. My practice, keeps me tethered to a part of myself.

Outlook for now... Bleak.

Namaste.

Realization

1) I realized when I was a kid, I was not able to touch the tip of my nose with my tongue. I lived with it. I am happy.

2) I realized I can't ever whistle any tune. However, I was blessed with a non - tone deaf sense of rhythm, and a nice voice. I lived with it. I am happy.

3) I realized that I can lose weight. I lost it. I lived with it. I am happy.

4) I realized that I am quite good at backbends in my Yoga practice, however, I suck at arm balances. I lived with it. I am happy.

5) I realized that no men will look at me and think 'she would be the ideal woman to wake up next to, to be in a relationship with, to go through thick and thin with, or to stay by when she is sick.'

I lived with it. I am not so happy, but life has to move on.

With love, Namaste.

Putting the Skinnies to Shame

Eversince I started yoga, many years ago, people asked me -- Why?

It's the same thing when I started having obsession for interval training -- Why?

The other golden question (Soalan Cepu Emas, in Malay) would be -- What motivates you to do all these self inducing torture?

Well, I started yoga because I love the challenge and interval training because of the rush. 

My motivation -- Duh. My fat ass of course. 

Most of the people who asked me questions on my 'fitness' regime, including my daily diet, are those who are skinnier than me. Some of them went the extra mile of scoffing my regiment. Most of them totally convinced themselves that they are not able to commit to exercise and churned out excuses. 

Things like ; 

1) I am not flexible enough for yoga 

Psst... THAT IS WHY WE DO YOGA. Duh.

2) I don't have enough stamina

Yeah, I have to make sure I GET my stamina.

3) I don't think I have the time

Don't think. Just do it.

4) I can't go one day without rice.

TRY.

5) Yoga is for infidels

Yeah. And unhealthy habits get you 40 virgins in heaven? I don't think so.

6) You will still die no matter what anyways

Well, think about your husband/wife/kids who will have to carry you to your grave. Being fat is not helpful. (Pardon the lack of sensitivity.)

The thing is, people say that we shouldn't use the F word. Some people really didn't have a choice. Obesity can be genetic. Okay. Fair enough.

But these can be otherwise translated to just making up excuses. I recently come across a group of big yoginis. Some of them can even do certain poses that I cannot do for nuts. (Well.. I can't do... yet).

At that moment, the wheels in my overactive mind is turning. I went ; 'Damn. All these excuses I have been giving myself when I was not able to nail that variation of Hanumanasana. I am ashamed.'

As a skinnier person, I was put to shame by these yoginis' commitment to Yoga. 

So, from now on, I will stop making excuses for myself, or the incessant frustration I get on my mat when I was not able to nail a pose. 

Like how my Guruji said, some people need more time. Yoga is not about other people's standards, the standards had always been individual. As long as your intentions are pure, the poses will come. 

With Love, Namaste

Ayu

Calling

So.. What's your calling?

Some people are happy living life without ever fulfilling or finding out what their true passion or calling is. They lived their whole life buried in other people's expectations without ever wondering about their existence in life.

Some said their passion is family, their calling is to take care of their children, their pride is their children.

No offense to this selfless notion and not that I have no respect for anyone who has that exact calling, I do think that sometimes, people put this as their calling, because deep inside, they lost their need for a calling, and went ahead for that thing in front of them. It's convenient. It's noble.

So this would be my so-called calling in life.

Earlier, I went for my 'lunch' (in brackets because it is at 12.15 am) with my bestie and he told me to look at what was in front of me.

I looked ahead, and I can see a plate of 'roti canai' (Paratha). With dhal curry.

So... my calling is.. to be.. an Indian bread. So I am to be kneaded?

Well, my point is, if you read my last entry, I have yet to know what I actually 'Want' to do. Even what am I actually good at. Sure, universe presented me with an opportunity for me to mull over it, but I can't be mulling over it forever. I am no trust fund kid and can't really go off to a foreign land, join an ashram and be an ascetic. (Although, believe me, if I have that chance, I would take it. This whole materialistic existence is bumming me out.)

My first job was as a waitress. I was waiting table, putting myself through my 'education'. And then I took on the Barista role at a local Starbucks. Dropped out, went back to JB, and took on a Customer Service Assistant job. The job was crappy, it was boring, it was... routine hell. I was at it for about 2 years plus, was given the opportunity to be a PR officer with the same company for about 3 years after.

Yes. I don't move jobs often, or, companies all that often. I am a loyalist. Sue me.

Public relations was interesting. Hypocritical, but interesting. I have all these different masks that I have to put on for different people. It was the first profession where I found out, with proper usage of sarcasm, I can get my way with my boss.

I landed in this company and in this job because 5 years ago, I decided that I need to move away from what my life was. I have just broken up with my ex, life was bleak, I hated living with my parents and I do think I need to... run away.

I ended up in this job.

I now run a call center, being all too familiar with all the crazy tech and telecoms jargons, and has a penchant for effective management, at least, I thought I do.

So.. is this my calling? Gosh.. if this is INDEED my calling, I would be thinking, how boring can my life be?

I see myself as a Jack (Jane?? Jill??) of all trades, but a master of none. If I do have one trait that I am a master of, it would be my ability to adapt, and to handle, whatever comes my way. Maybe not in the most perfect, university management theory way, but, in the most flawed, trial and error, honest self development way.

Which is better? I don't know.

Is this my calling? I don't know.

The bad news is, it might take a whole life for me to find my calling.

The good news is, I am already 34, I am almost halfway there.

So.. now... hurry on, Universe. Give me my calling.

With love, Namaste.