Go with the flow

Things change according to the circumstances you are in.

Take my current  situation for an example. I am unemployed and have limited wage choices. I have money out, but meagre money in. I made adjustments, telling credit card companies that I will only be able to make the minimum payment and downgraded my broadband usage plan from 350/month to less than 200/month. I no longer drink Starbucks as often as I did, and I cooked my own food.

I am not saying that I won't be employed soon (It depends on whether I am brave enough to take another chance, after the whole 'Sucky Job' catastrophe), but, some things have to change.

Looking back, because I was depressed and unhappy, a big chunk of my salary went to impulsive buys. I once went all out and spent RM 1000 plus on clothes in ZARA.

Artificial happiness lasts anywhere between 1 second to about 60 seconds. After that, dragging those gorgeous heels to work was still a chore.

The only few good things about that experience was I now have nice dresses, shoes and lingerie, I know how the Disputes process works and I know that I need to be happy to be productive. If out of 10 months of work, and that was all the positives that you are getting out of a job, it's time for your to leave and move the fuck on.

I used to tell myself that my unhappiness was secondary. I kept on telling myself that, most people are not happy with their job, but they stay at it anyway. Why can't I do the same?

Well, the problem is, I know how a 'happy job' feels like. So when something sucks, it sucked.

My problem is juvenile at best, but on an individual level, it is a major achievement for me to use the balls I don't physically have and make the exit, and I am quite proud of myself that I stayed on until my last day.

I exited--- Properly.

And that alone showed that for a rebel, I am professional in every sense.

Namaste. 

Life is too important to be taken seriously ¬ Oscar Wilde

A friend lost his mother today.

I received a message saying that our Thursday meet up will have to be cancelled as he needs to go back to the UK. I wasn't thinking when I asked him if 'It's about Mum?'. He later told me that she passed in the morning and he had to go back to watch someone burn her.

That was dark humor on his end.
I have never lost anyone dear to me in my family. I know it is inevitable, everyone dies someday, but I would like to spend a little bit more time and positive energy with the people who matters in my life.

I lost Tom but that was beside the point. The point here is, how can we ever react to a loss of someone very very Important and close to us?

Tom was close to me, but at the same time, after thinking about it on many sleepless nights, he probably wouldn't be thinking about me the same way, if I happened to go before him. After all, he was the one who said that he didn't want to commit to anything.

So, I was taken for a somewhat short lived, but nice, ride.

It has been almost 3 years since he passed away, and I am slowly grasping much more reality than before.

I spent last weekend in Genting, not gambling but accompanying someone who wanted to experience the casino.

I am never a gambler, I told a friend.

He told me that I may not gamble with my money, but I gamble with my emotions and livelihood. I place my happiness first now, but I can be vulnerable to people who care about me and the things that are dear to me.

I felt somewhat, a little subdued today after I received the news of the passing of a person I have only said hi to over Skype, once. So I imagine how it would be like if it is my turn to experience that.

Objectives

When I was a kid :

- I wanted to grow up.
- I wanted to eat fast food everyday.
- I hated boys.
- I wanted to make money.

When I was a teenager :

- I wanted to grow up.
- I wanted to get into a university.
- I hated boys.
- I hated my body.
- I hated my face.
- I wanted to make money.

When I was in my early 20's :

- I wanted to make money.
- I love boys.
- I hated my body.
- I wanted a husband.
- I wanted children.

When I was in my late 20's :

- I wanted self awareness.
- I had a love - hate relationship with men.
- I was in awe of my body.
- I wanted a partner.
- I gave up on a lot of things.

When I hit 30 :

- I was... feeling a sense of underachievement, but in a way, I couldn't believe I made it that far.
- I lost almost 20 kg.
- I had been practicing yoga for about 2 years at that time.
- I realized that most of my exes are non - Malays, and that I was less hurt and less suffocated in those relationships compared to when I was in a relationship with Malays.
- I realized that, I wouldn't be able to get some of the domestic stuff in life even if I try.
- I had a love-hate relationship with men.

Now :

- I realized, that happiness is the key. I was a better person when I was happy. I was a mess when I am not.
- Money is immaterial in happiness. I was most happy when I was at my old job.
- I realized that, I would never be someone's girlfriend, never going to be proposed to, never going to have children.
- I realized that it is okay to never be any one of those things.

On lucky charms

I admit, I have been enjoying my time off, and at the same time, I was also worried and anxious. 

The truth is, my confidence was shaken by my past failure of an experience. I have difficulties believing that I can indeed do the things I did, a year ago. 

I am afraid of the possibility of prolonged anxiety on job performance. 

I flicked a coin into a man-made river in Genting earlier. I wished that I would get an opportunity to have a job that I would enjoy giving my all without making me feel like killing myself everyday. 

I have a semi precious stone that was said to lighten my burden and to aid in getting what I want, if you believe in that kind of thing. 

Lucky charms, we all can do with a bit of mystical help, no?

On being brave

I was told that I did a pretty brave thing of leaving a job that made me miserable. 

I am also considered brave to be 'open' about what I think in social media. My thoughts on religion and the likes can be, almost blasphemous. 

However, because I am Malaysian, of both Malay and Chinese heritage, I understand the meaning of tolerance deeper than most.

I am also brave on wearing yoga leggings and sports bra for yoga selfies. 

Well, consider this, if my body had not changed over the years, I don't think I would be brave to do this now. 

Even now, I still have issues with my body. At 35, I am slowly defeated by gravity. 

And at 35, I still do wonder what the hell is it that I am actually good at. Most of the things I did, had been more of a 'throw me in and see if I come out in one piece' kind of thing. 

The free time that I am reluctantly having, gave me a lot of time to think. 

The conclusion is this, I am pretty good at insisting on doing what makes me happy. 

Considering that so many people are defeated by the needs that they abandon their happiness, that is a skill on its own. 

I will (hopefully) be blogging come new year's (haven't you heard, blogging is kind of... Dead). Until then, keep afloat and someday you will fly. 

Namaste. 

How'd you like me now?

That was the question I asked N the last time he was here. It had been a week after the last day of my job. I have been off the schedule and was feeling... for the first time in a long time, free.

Sure, I will have to go back to working soon, but, I am just glad that I am no longer with the company I am with anymore.

I don't know what was it about the job, something was off. I can't put my finger on what. I have been analyzing it. Perhaps it was the owner, perhaps it was my scorecard, perhaps I was not made to depend on another team run by other people but myself.

Perhaps I am just not good enough.

N told me that there will be times when the job just will not suit a person. When that happens, there will just be a couple of things one can do. Stay or leave.

"And when you leave, it is either you want to take a break, and then find a job, or you want to start another job right away. Don't over complicate how you see things. It will drive you crazy if you do."

I was able to do a lot of things since I quit my job. Even though I have to think twice about buying anything now, I feel happier than before.

So what does that mean?

Somehow I made the right decision.

I am taking on several proof reading projects for now, also seeking working from home part time positions from some people I know around.

I won't keep on being in between jobs, that's for sure, and to be honest, I don't know what's in the stars for me after this.

But the only way to go is up, no?

Namaste. 

Release...

My last day at work was good.

For a moment, I was kind of choked up. If there is one thing that I know I would miss, would be my team.

I have always had the luck of having a good team. My previous team was as awesome as the team I have had with my recent job.

I do feel kind of guilty, somehow. But, I don't think my feeling miserable would contribute to their well being.

I feel a sense of release when I stepped out of the office. One of my long time ex staff followed me to the lift and we hugged before I left for the HR office.

A colleague of mine treated me to drinks and dinner right after and I joined the usual suspects after that for the obligatory Friday night.

I arrived home feeling unburdened, and went straight into doing my laundry that has been delayed for three weeks. I hardly have the time to have a proper life for the last 9 months. I never enjoyed Sundays. I dread Sundays, and Saturdays were too short.

Right after laundry, I replaced the sheets for my bed and mopped the floor. The chores made me happy. At last, I am able to do the things that I have not been able to do for the past 9 months.

I have always been moody, and withdrawn, and mostly tired on weekends. Mentally tired. I would be sitting and meditating, begging for peace. After that I would sit on the reading chair with a mug of coffee, trying to read, usually failing to do so. I would be thinking about Monday, on Saturday evening.

Yes, it was that bad. It's strange that I have never felt that way before.

Things will be better, I have always gone with the flow of things that the Universe decide for me.

I just hope my dilapidated self esteem will heal quickly.

--

N, a dear friend I have been seeing, told me that the mole on my back was growing.

'It also feels kind of, floppy.' He said. Concerned, he urged me to go to a skin clinic near my office.

So in that one hour appointment with the doctor, he told me that I shouldn't be alarmed.

Although he said, he will be sending it for a biopsy, as he can see some discoloration at the middle of the mole.

So this happened (Warning : This might be 'gross')

Procedure was fast. Almost no pain, except for the anaesthetist  jab. It was numb.

And so, my mark was gone, and if I am going to believe the superstition surrounding a back mole, I should be feeling unburdened.

This was two days before my last day... so I thought... Fair enough.

--

Last year's Halloween, my ex team did this --

This year, Halloween was my last day at work. And the office decided that they should be celebrating Diwali, on October 31st.

That said, I am pretty glad I am no longer affiliated to that organization.

And to celebrate the day after Halloween, I practiced my asanas, like this -

Happy Halloween Yogis. Namaste witches!