Bye blogger

I am pissed off. 

I was looking forward to updating this blog, on a laptop, with actual keyboards, when I was asked to sign up with a Google+ account. 

Let me get this straight and I guess it's that elephant in the room everyone was  so obviously irritated with. 

Google+ sucks. 

So that said, this is the end of the line for my blog here. 

I am moving. 

I moved. 

Come over to sarc58.wordpress. 

It's not annoying me, so it works. 

Moving to another domain -

No google, I will not sign up to google+. 

Why? Because it's lame. 

Will share once I have a new account somewhere that is not here. 

Sayonara blogspot. It's been emotional. 

Judgmental overtone of how 'SOME' Malaysians act

I live in my own cocoon. But once in a while I fall into the social trap and starts to pay attention to what everyone around me is talking about.

Like how some holier than thou Malay Muslims 'disapproved' of a national gymnast's outfit for showing 'the shape of the woman's genitals.'

I am not going to say vagina because it's anatomically incorrect. I believe that the real name for it was 'Vulva'.

It's the little minds that discusses little shit things like this that I am annoyed... nay... irritated with.

I think it's more of the double standardization of men and women in the eyes of the 'religious freaks' that matters in Malaysia.

Which is kind of sad.

On the international front, all 'real Muslims' come forth in defense of the gold medalist, the Malay Muslims refused to back down.

There is nothing heavenly about that behavior.

I shudder to think how their hell would be like.

But then again, I am not supposed to judge.

Namaste.

Hello World!

Yes, I have been absent.

Yes, I have been quiet.

Yes, life had been kind.

Yes, I am still fighting on to live.

Yes, Life can be a bitch.

No... I am not giving up on it yet.

Namaste... and live life.

Be what you want, be what you feel

It's a sign when everything was crazy, but you went on with the craziness that it embodies, not because you have to, but because you want to. 

And despite all the craziness, you love every single minute of the unpredictable insanity it brings. 

When we let go, things fall into place

A few months ago, I let go of every single control I have on my insignificant life, and give the Universe the wheel.

I am happy I did that. because I would never know I would be able to do so. I let go of my inhibitions and I made some lifestyle changes.

Less caffeine, less sugar, less complaining, less whining.

More gratitude and more hope. More planning, more thinking and more positive affirmations.

--

I moved a few weeks ago, and it is probably the best thing I have done. I am away from the negative vibe of last year, and all ready to face a new life with new challenges.

---

Let's do the camel everyone. Namaste.

--

And with that... this is me now, happier and healthier.

Dance

It's a dance. 

All the plumage, the labeled front, the cheap crystals, the masks of make up. 

It's a dance. 

All the cash flashing, the smart collared shirts and the leather shoes. 

It's a dance. 

All that evolution. And it's all for this. 

It's for this dance. 

Relationship? Moi?

I sometimes look at couples longingly, more often than not, I will casually remark to my best friend on how nice it would be to have a boyfriend, someone who would adore me, insisting on taking pictures of me (of my face that is), and noticing every single freckle, wrinkle and crease on my face.

The thing is, I had that. And the thing was, I ran.

See, it's been more than 15 years since my real relationship. When I met Trey, I was young, brash and kind of stupid. When he proposed to me before he went off to UK, I was 20, and so, I bailed. I wasn't ready for a marriage at that time. I was in love with him, we broke it off after trying long distance for a year. I felt it was unfair for him more than it was unfair for me. We stayed in touch before he finally got hitched to another woman, of the same name, and who celebrates the same birthday as mine.

After Trey, there had been no one.

In 2012, about two weeks after Tom died, I met a Dutch guy, who was decent and, well, caring. He cared about me in a way I cannot accept, because, well, I wasn't really feeling it. And he was emotional, too emotional, as a matter of fact. It was annoying me. When it becomes annoying, it is best for it to end.

So, not wanting to lead him on, I cut all contact with him. I even refused to reply his emails. I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore.

Which is a great thing really, because he ends up with another woman, and I end up with a guy who cooks for me, take my pictures for fun and was one of the few people who helped me out during my crap year in 2014. But, it is a casual relationship, with no promise of anything.

And, strangely, I prefer that. No promise, no pain.  No heartache.

I deduced that, while it is great to have a relationship, it might not be the 'thing' for me. Because, I know I will only run from it. There will never be another Trey in my life. And, yeah, it is ok for now. 

Go with the flow

Things change according to the circumstances you are in.

Take my current  situation for an example. I am unemployed and have limited wage choices. I have money out, but meagre money in. I made adjustments, telling credit card companies that I will only be able to make the minimum payment and downgraded my broadband usage plan from 350/month to less than 200/month. I no longer drink Starbucks as often as I did, and I cooked my own food.

I am not saying that I won't be employed soon (It depends on whether I am brave enough to take another chance, after the whole 'Sucky Job' catastrophe), but, some things have to change.

Looking back, because I was depressed and unhappy, a big chunk of my salary went to impulsive buys. I once went all out and spent RM 1000 plus on clothes in ZARA.

Artificial happiness lasts anywhere between 1 second to about 60 seconds. After that, dragging those gorgeous heels to work was still a chore.

The only few good things about that experience was I now have nice dresses, shoes and lingerie, I know how the Disputes process works and I know that I need to be happy to be productive. If out of 10 months of work, and that was all the positives that you are getting out of a job, it's time for your to leave and move the fuck on.

I used to tell myself that my unhappiness was secondary. I kept on telling myself that, most people are not happy with their job, but they stay at it anyway. Why can't I do the same?

Well, the problem is, I know how a 'happy job' feels like. So when something sucks, it sucked.

My problem is juvenile at best, but on an individual level, it is a major achievement for me to use the balls I don't physically have and make the exit, and I am quite proud of myself that I stayed on until my last day.

I exited--- Properly.

And that alone showed that for a rebel, I am professional in every sense.

Namaste. 

Life is too important to be taken seriously ¬ Oscar Wilde

A friend lost his mother today.

I received a message saying that our Thursday meet up will have to be cancelled as he needs to go back to the UK. I wasn't thinking when I asked him if 'It's about Mum?'. He later told me that she passed in the morning and he had to go back to watch someone burn her.

That was dark humor on his end.
I have never lost anyone dear to me in my family. I know it is inevitable, everyone dies someday, but I would like to spend a little bit more time and positive energy with the people who matters in my life.

I lost Tom but that was beside the point. The point here is, how can we ever react to a loss of someone very very Important and close to us?

Tom was close to me, but at the same time, after thinking about it on many sleepless nights, he probably wouldn't be thinking about me the same way, if I happened to go before him. After all, he was the one who said that he didn't want to commit to anything.

So, I was taken for a somewhat short lived, but nice, ride.

It has been almost 3 years since he passed away, and I am slowly grasping much more reality than before.

I spent last weekend in Genting, not gambling but accompanying someone who wanted to experience the casino.

I am never a gambler, I told a friend.

He told me that I may not gamble with my money, but I gamble with my emotions and livelihood. I place my happiness first now, but I can be vulnerable to people who care about me and the things that are dear to me.

I felt somewhat, a little subdued today after I received the news of the passing of a person I have only said hi to over Skype, once. So I imagine how it would be like if it is my turn to experience that.

Objectives

When I was a kid :

- I wanted to grow up.
- I wanted to eat fast food everyday.
- I hated boys.
- I wanted to make money.

When I was a teenager :

- I wanted to grow up.
- I wanted to get into a university.
- I hated boys.
- I hated my body.
- I hated my face.
- I wanted to make money.

When I was in my early 20's :

- I wanted to make money.
- I love boys.
- I hated my body.
- I wanted a husband.
- I wanted children.

When I was in my late 20's :

- I wanted self awareness.
- I had a love - hate relationship with men.
- I was in awe of my body.
- I wanted a partner.
- I gave up on a lot of things.

When I hit 30 :

- I was... feeling a sense of underachievement, but in a way, I couldn't believe I made it that far.
- I lost almost 20 kg.
- I had been practicing yoga for about 2 years at that time.
- I realized that most of my exes are non - Malays, and that I was less hurt and less suffocated in those relationships compared to when I was in a relationship with Malays.
- I realized that, I wouldn't be able to get some of the domestic stuff in life even if I try.
- I had a love-hate relationship with men.

Now :

- I realized, that happiness is the key. I was a better person when I was happy. I was a mess when I am not.
- Money is immaterial in happiness. I was most happy when I was at my old job.
- I realized that, I would never be someone's girlfriend, never going to be proposed to, never going to have children.
- I realized that it is okay to never be any one of those things.

On lucky charms

I admit, I have been enjoying my time off, and at the same time, I was also worried and anxious. 

The truth is, my confidence was shaken by my past failure of an experience. I have difficulties believing that I can indeed do the things I did, a year ago. 

I am afraid of the possibility of prolonged anxiety on job performance. 

I flicked a coin into a man-made river in Genting earlier. I wished that I would get an opportunity to have a job that I would enjoy giving my all without making me feel like killing myself everyday. 

I have a semi precious stone that was said to lighten my burden and to aid in getting what I want, if you believe in that kind of thing. 

Lucky charms, we all can do with a bit of mystical help, no?

On being brave

I was told that I did a pretty brave thing of leaving a job that made me miserable. 

I am also considered brave to be 'open' about what I think in social media. My thoughts on religion and the likes can be, almost blasphemous. 

However, because I am Malaysian, of both Malay and Chinese heritage, I understand the meaning of tolerance deeper than most.

I am also brave on wearing yoga leggings and sports bra for yoga selfies. 

Well, consider this, if my body had not changed over the years, I don't think I would be brave to do this now. 

Even now, I still have issues with my body. At 35, I am slowly defeated by gravity. 

And at 35, I still do wonder what the hell is it that I am actually good at. Most of the things I did, had been more of a 'throw me in and see if I come out in one piece' kind of thing. 

The free time that I am reluctantly having, gave me a lot of time to think. 

The conclusion is this, I am pretty good at insisting on doing what makes me happy. 

Considering that so many people are defeated by the needs that they abandon their happiness, that is a skill on its own. 

I will (hopefully) be blogging come new year's (haven't you heard, blogging is kind of... Dead). Until then, keep afloat and someday you will fly. 

Namaste. 

How'd you like me now?

That was the question I asked N the last time he was here. It had been a week after the last day of my job. I have been off the schedule and was feeling... for the first time in a long time, free.

Sure, I will have to go back to working soon, but, I am just glad that I am no longer with the company I am with anymore.

I don't know what was it about the job, something was off. I can't put my finger on what. I have been analyzing it. Perhaps it was the owner, perhaps it was my scorecard, perhaps I was not made to depend on another team run by other people but myself.

Perhaps I am just not good enough.

N told me that there will be times when the job just will not suit a person. When that happens, there will just be a couple of things one can do. Stay or leave.

"And when you leave, it is either you want to take a break, and then find a job, or you want to start another job right away. Don't over complicate how you see things. It will drive you crazy if you do."

I was able to do a lot of things since I quit my job. Even though I have to think twice about buying anything now, I feel happier than before.

So what does that mean?

Somehow I made the right decision.

I am taking on several proof reading projects for now, also seeking working from home part time positions from some people I know around.

I won't keep on being in between jobs, that's for sure, and to be honest, I don't know what's in the stars for me after this.

But the only way to go is up, no?

Namaste. 

Release...

My last day at work was good.

For a moment, I was kind of choked up. If there is one thing that I know I would miss, would be my team.

I have always had the luck of having a good team. My previous team was as awesome as the team I have had with my recent job.

I do feel kind of guilty, somehow. But, I don't think my feeling miserable would contribute to their well being.

I feel a sense of release when I stepped out of the office. One of my long time ex staff followed me to the lift and we hugged before I left for the HR office.

A colleague of mine treated me to drinks and dinner right after and I joined the usual suspects after that for the obligatory Friday night.

I arrived home feeling unburdened, and went straight into doing my laundry that has been delayed for three weeks. I hardly have the time to have a proper life for the last 9 months. I never enjoyed Sundays. I dread Sundays, and Saturdays were too short.

Right after laundry, I replaced the sheets for my bed and mopped the floor. The chores made me happy. At last, I am able to do the things that I have not been able to do for the past 9 months.

I have always been moody, and withdrawn, and mostly tired on weekends. Mentally tired. I would be sitting and meditating, begging for peace. After that I would sit on the reading chair with a mug of coffee, trying to read, usually failing to do so. I would be thinking about Monday, on Saturday evening.

Yes, it was that bad. It's strange that I have never felt that way before.

Things will be better, I have always gone with the flow of things that the Universe decide for me.

I just hope my dilapidated self esteem will heal quickly.

--

N, a dear friend I have been seeing, told me that the mole on my back was growing.

'It also feels kind of, floppy.' He said. Concerned, he urged me to go to a skin clinic near my office.

So in that one hour appointment with the doctor, he told me that I shouldn't be alarmed.

Although he said, he will be sending it for a biopsy, as he can see some discoloration at the middle of the mole.

So this happened (Warning : This might be 'gross')

Procedure was fast. Almost no pain, except for the anaesthetist  jab. It was numb.

And so, my mark was gone, and if I am going to believe the superstition surrounding a back mole, I should be feeling unburdened.

This was two days before my last day... so I thought... Fair enough.

--

Last year's Halloween, my ex team did this --

This year, Halloween was my last day at work. And the office decided that they should be celebrating Diwali, on October 31st.

That said, I am pretty glad I am no longer affiliated to that organization.

And to celebrate the day after Halloween, I practiced my asanas, like this -

Happy Halloween Yogis. Namaste witches! 

Better Days

Ever since I made that decision to leave the current job, I have been different... in a good way.

Sundays are less snappier, I have lesser lines on my face, I don't look as tired as I had been for the past 9 ish months, and my relationships are improving.

All relationships.

My mother told me that ever since I started working in the new position, I have become tiresome to deal with. I am almost always bitchy and I was pessimistic.

Okay, I am not the most optimistic person in the whole world... as a matter of fact, I am more sarcastic and realistic than most people. However, my pessimism was... bearable.

Until 2014 came and push it on overdrive.

I got to know that one of my friends actually was contemplating on avoiding me. But then he thought, that this woman (Ehem.. ME) needed help. I Needed Reinforcement.

I have never thought that something as small as a job can bring about a significant change in my personality and the way I treat the people around me.

Of course, I have never been the picture of positivity, but I am not exactly negative either. I would like to say that I am a healthy balance of the two, before this.

Sure, quitting a job is scary as hell. But I have always thought that there is a reason for everything.

Although it may sound kind of ... disturbing, some of us are just designed to work better at night.

How else would I be able to come up with a wordy (ish) entry 10 mins before midnight.

I was sucked into the pretense of a better normal life, dealing with normal people schedule, going through normal HELL of traffic jams and to be completely destroyed, mind, body and soul, every day, after 5.30 pm.

The workaholic now figured that while she wishes she can be flexible, She will not be able to, for the longest time.

Things will be better. It always had been, if it doesn't, well... there are always cliffs to jump off  other options.

Pardon my overactive mind.

Prelude on - Oh what a wonderful year 2014 had been.

One of the way that you can cultivate happiness in your life is to, actually, love your job.

Somehow, this always correlates back to the environment and all other contributing factors that went into the job.

My mistake, one that I think will plague me for a long time coming, would be that, I ignored my guts. I managed a team, taken on a few projects before in my previous employment, surely I can take on anything without checking in with my gut feel right?

WRONG.

I should have known that if there is one thing  that I should trust, it would be my instinct. 

For 10 months, I was questioning my cause of unhappiness. 

And I came to a few realization : 

1) I had been in the graveyard shift, and was technically a vampire for 5 and a half years. What made me think that my circadian rhythm can adjust to prolonged normal shift, astounded me. My brain went fuzzy and consequently, I have not been sleeping well, no rest, equals to slow responses and very bad decisions.

Very bad decisions led to depression and self deprecation.

Self deprecation, leads to.... zero productivity and frustration.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is BAD.

2) My line of directions came from two people, both knew the lines of direction flow (One was offshore, one was onshore). None overlaps the other, and if there had been, clarification was brief and to the point.

Now my previous employment was not perfect. Actually, it is flawed in many ways. However, I was fortunate to have a good director (Who later also left the company).

He trusted my judgment, and I was productive, and passionate, a far cry from what I am right  now (Don't ask me why, because I do not have an answer.)

He didn't change his mind every quarter about strategies laid out--- And he didn't have an assistant to contradict the direction given.

Simple things like these would be a huge deterrent to good process management.

Directions were everywhere, from everyone, and this in turn, frustrated me. 

3) Hell is here on earth itself

You don’t have to die to know the wrath of hell. It is easy to know and feel what hell feels like just by living my life for 10 months.

First, I am in no way trying to belittle / exaggerate my minuscule definition of hell. I know to a certain degree, I have no right to complaint if put side by side with a Palestinian.

But, every person’s universe is that person's own heaven or hell. And this is my hell.

One of the major thing that I hate about the last 10 months, was the commute and the traffic, to and from my home to the work place.

Collectively, I spent up to 3-4 hours in my car, depending on how bad the traffic is for the day. I will spend up to 8 hours in the office. I would usually skip lunch but still work the full 7.50 plus the 0.50 break that I am supposed to take.

That didn’t actually make much of a difference.

My right calf is smaller than my left. So… you get the idea.

I have mentioned before about my unfortunate abnormal circadian rhythm situation. My insomnia, something that I have learned to live with quite harmoniously for the past 5 years before 2014 was on overdrive for the past 10 months.

I have tried every single thing that I can think of, that will not have any kind of severe side effects to my health.

Warm milk, simple carbs, natural sleep remedies, going to sleep earlier on the hour everyday, melatonin and even… Valium.

I was so close to using marijuana to treat my insomnia, but I figured that reporting to work, stoned, is not ethical. (You don’t say.). I have ‘people’ to make that possible for me. But , I looked the other way.

Pairing my sleep disorder with the hell, which is the horrendous traffic, meaning that I will have to wake up at 4/5 am everyday. Which means I have to be home by 7 pm and go to sleep at 9.30 pm.

But my body never allowed me to sleep at 9.30 pm. I would usually toss and turn on my bed, until it was well over 2 am. In the dark.  

The worst thing about all this was that, I would actually be conscious about the time I went to sleep, I will know that I will wake up groggy and unrested 2/3 hours later.

So tell me, is this a way to live in the long run?

Someone told me to stop what was doing and go and find another job. This was when it was still 3 months into the 'gig'. But knowing me, I told this person that I will adapt to it. Without a doubt, I will. I have always had a healthy and strong willpower.

However, on this, I came out battered and bruised, and it was my good luck that I managed to avoid a few road accidents that may have been the end of my life, as I know it.

Sometimes, we have to surrender to the one thing that we just can’t do. Soldiering on will not have any meaning.

I doubt my tombstone would dictate :

‘Here lies Ayu, she was a person who tried to convince herself that this job is worth being miserable for. Eventually, she died in a car accident due to lack of sleep and constant nonsense from her job.

However, she SOLDIERED ON UNTIL HER DEATH.’

Now what kind of fucking logic is that?

My entry on 31^st December will not include any kind of good words on 2014. When T passed away in 2012, it was a sad thing, but it didn’t affect me in a big way. When I got retrenched in 2013, I was anxious, but I was still reasonably—hopeful.

2014 made me re-evaluate myself in the worst way possible. At one point, I was irrational and that rendered me with a feeling of hopelessness.

I know it is still too early, but I hope 2015 will be better.

It fucking better be, because I am going to make it!

On a Quest For Happiness

Right now, I am devouring everything that I can to make myself happy.

At 35, I realized that all the money in the world is not going to actually make me happy.

I also realized that my perfect working hours are not the hours that would have been perfect for everyone else. I hate waking up in the morning. I can feel energized at 7 pm and I would hate myself, at 7 am.

To fix that, would take a LONG time.

I came across a Facebook Meme that quoted 'I am a daydreamer and night thinker.'

I became wildly obsessed with thinking at night.

And also, I cannot see myself giving my heart and soul to my work anymore. That much 'revered' corporate loyalty is no longer there.

I feel as if I am wasting my time in meetings and amateur decision making based on weak data and assumptions of second guessing what customers want.

So I have thrown in the towel on living life conservatively, based on how everyone is surviving.

Sure I still need money, maybe someday, I would even make more money, but the time is not now, and I would rather be a minimalist, then an unhappy, bitchy yogi.

Namaste...

Decision

I think I have been really pushing myself to the limits of what I cannot do.

I did a lot of thinking during the weekend. And I think this would be the best decision that I can ever take. So...

Quit I will. There are times, that perseverance and just taking the hit one after another is just not going to work.

I need to back up and take things slowly. I can't keep on waking up and think that I am never going to be able to do this. 

Of work. Part 2

I have a painful experience this year with work. I realized that I don't like my job. I actually had to admit that from the very beginning, I wasn't quite sure why I accepted the offer. 3 months in, I was technically suffering, and now almost a year in, I still am. 

I yearn for those times when I would be looking forward to work. Those times when I know coming in to work produce meaningful contribution. 

Here's the thing, I was not even making as much as I am making now. 

So maybe there is a little bit of regret, to this. I am still making sense of it. 

But, it's good to know just how far I can bend. And I am nearing the breaking point. 

It is ok to know what you can and cannot do. This would be one of those things that I can't. 

Namaste.