1 day before Birthday -- ahh DRATS!

Okla peeps. I’ll spare you the drama with my therapist and all today.

Today, 1 day before the dreaded Birthday.

The Peeps aka 'The We Are So Stressed, We Need Beer Clan' (Except Rin-la)

Yesterday, I went out with the rest of my beautiful friends, a table full of babes and one thorn among the roses. We were chilling out at Lush, the latest bar to hit town. They play the likes of Jamie Cullum, Diana Krall and Ray Charles (Can’t believe when I heard ‘Hit The Road Jack’ last night!). Everything was so new that even the beer tastes plasticky and new-ish. We did ask the waiter to change our funny tasting beer.

It is normal for the conversation on the table to go from things at work to dumb things like figuring out what ‘ikan kurau’ is called in English.

Rin talked about the latest major no – no her management has done to her, that is to give her short notice of giving up her office which she has been in for the past 3 years to a fresh graduate whose only experience in working has been an internship with 8TV.

Me and my Sista... Rin

I know what it’s like in 8TV. They are pretty much running around unorganized themselves, so to brag about having worked with them is a waste of time.

I was known, in this ex company of mine to be one of the bitches with a killing tongue. I am sarcastic, and that paired together with my ‘arrogant’ look, is enough to intimidate people. I told Rin, if I am the one who’s ‘teraniaya’ (Mistreated) like that, I would surely kick a fuss and make the so called ‘Executive’s’ life a living hell.

It is time, I thought, for Rin to move on. Like me… hehe…

It was great catching up with friends and just, talk. Anna knew about what has been going on with me lately, but she didn’t ask me a lot of things about that. Besides, she hated BF(ex) and was only too glad that we broke up. Awi too has been anticipating us to end it a long time ago. For some reason, I have ignored all the signs coming from my dear friends all along. See – la how blind we could get when we are in ‘so – called’ love.

Enough about that. Since my birthday is coming, I have made it a point to do a list of things for me to achieve from then onwards;

Final glass, final jug, and not drunk... but enough to knock my lights out in bed later hehe..

1) Save money for new car – Sarcy is a working girl, no funding whatsoever from parents or anyone else. She has been on her own eversince forever actually.

2) Move out from family house after buying new car – Sarcy treasures her privacy. She is very different from the rest of the people in that house and therefore would do better when not in their company.

3) Pursue degree (officially and seriously) in Journalism – Writing has always been in her blood eversince she was small and being that she was the only one in her 4th grade to read Tolstoy’s War & Peace-->am such a geek eh? <-- it is only something that she has to do.

4) Stop paying bald therapist – ay?:)

5) Treasure friends and family more – Saya sudah bertaubat. Saya tak akan buat lagi. (Iloosely translated; I have repented, I will never be a dumb ass anymore)

I am the Xanax generation-2 days till Feb 11th... :P

I got my prescription of ‘happy pills’ yesterday evening. No, it’s not E but more like Xanax.

Back then, it used to be packs of Prozac. That, according to my therapist, is like the great great grandma of anti depressants. Heh… I managed to do a sheepish smile.

“You are smiling. That is good, Sarcy!”

I felt like strangling the middle aged man who seemed to be so upsy all the time. He is anyway, a therapist, who banks in on people’s depression and abnormal emotional problems right? What more could be better than that?

“So tell me, what has been going on with you for the past couple of weeks?”

“Well, I dismissed a fling. And then there were all these dreams, of my ex sleeping with the other bitc… I mean… woman, of him crashing into another car and all those morbid stuff, I guess.”

“You are still unable to forgive him?”

(What is this, Dr. Phil’s session?)

“I guess so. Well he did leave me you know. He said I am not independent and all that yakabout when he knows that all I need is time. Just because I am 28 and I still live with parents (OMG, I am 28 and still living with parents!) does not mean I am not independent! I mean, I have you, a therapist right? How can anyone who is not independent do that? He split… just like that. Abandon, more like it.”

“Hmm… so what about this fling fellow?”

“Phil? He is nice in a fling – ish kind of way, but I would like to get rid of all things testosterone in my life now.”

“Do you hate your ex?”

“I would rather not talk about him right now.”

“Hate consumes you. It’s not good. Not to sound all biblical and all, but it does.”

As if I don’t know that.

“Your birthday is coming.”

Yeah… rub it in baldy.

“So what do you plan to do?”

“Get drunk.” (Didn’t I do that yesterday?)

The session gets stranger each time I stepped into that room, it will always start with the doctor telling you about clinical depression and why some times he would not want to give medication. After that he would start to stroll into your life story to ‘get to the root of the problem’.

Here is a complete stranger who knows more things about me than my closest buds. Get this, I am paying him by the hour to know more things about me.

I wished I could just ask for my prescription everytime I visit this therapist of mine so that I don’t have to have a session with the short Chinese guy who speaks with an accent. But it seemed that they will only give the meds after the session.

I must have been in really bad shape, because he gave me heavier dosage of Xanax than before. That and also 10 sleeping pills, because I told him I am having difficulties sleeping at night, especially when I am not drinking. Hallelujah!

“Noone likes an alcoholic.” He said, smiling.

Yeah… No one likes therapists and since this is my second time having one, I am still figuring out why do I need something that I don’t like.

Pre-Birthday Ramblings; 3 days until 'IT'

Hours spent in front of the lap top – 12 .

Hours spent sitting lotus style at one corner of the room – 5.

Having an article approved from the fickle minded editor friend without having to get laid (Goodness me, I AM NORMAL AFTERALL!!) – PRICELESS.

Sarcy was, for a brief moment, out of her brooding mood and came up with a fairly feminist, funny, and feel good motivational article. Not too bad considering Sarcy is overwhelmed with pessimism for the past few months.
--
Eh… I do have a life, okeh? Just that you guys don’t see it.

I just thought, it was about time I shared it with someone and that person screwed it up, therefore, I am seen as someone that doesn’t have one.

So, if to ;

SHARE YOUR LIFE = NOT HAVING A LIFE

I think I would be better off not sharing it with anyone.

This was my short and sweet email to Mabes, one of my great friends whom I don’t think I will get to see in a long time.

Sarc,

Then what about Phil Da Fling? He sounds nice?

This was her email this morning upon signing into my Gmail.

I replied;

Mabes,

He is a FLING. Geddit. Don’t call me. Sarc is gonna be inaccessible until Sunday morning 10.00 am.
--

I AM HAPPY

I AM NOT ANGRY

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM INTELLIGENT

I AM SMART

My Mantra that I stick on to my dresser to be chanted every morning.

Yeah… keep telling yourself that Sarc. It might drive you to hell one day.
--
On being driven…

The last time I felt really inspired to do something was during my KL days.

I was driven to find a job, I was driven to make RM9k at one kill, I was driven to do everything I wanted to do back then.

The only thing I wasn’t driven to do was to settle down. I rejected lots of nice guys, foiling their attempts to know me and ended up with an expat who seems to enjoy shredding my heart and pride to pieces.

I know some women who enjoy the company of people who hurt them. I dread to think that I could be one of them.

This expat called me sometime last year. All I said to him was go to fucking hell.

To have my drive back, I need to make a u-eey and speed off from the sorry state that I am currently in.

Regrets, plenty. Motivation, a bit. Hope, it’s not high, but it’s efficient enough to fuel me throughout what’s remaining of my life now.
--
Phil,

I know you are reading my blog now. I would have to consider changing my URL again then.

Thanks for your email. As sweet as it sounds, I don’t think it’s a go for the both of us, even as flings.
In this condition, I am more prone to hurting your feelings, to the extent of putting you down constantly because I see it as a chance for me to do what my ex has done to me.

Retributional acts, unfair ones, you might say.

That can’t be good to a man’s ego can it? I need to deflate yours to inflate mine.

Thank you for the book, The Pursuit of Happiness. I will always treasure it. Maybe our paths will cross each other’s again. Maybe not.

Either way, I am fine with it.

You can call me a Drama Queen, you can call me whatever. I know there’s someone out there who fits you better. Someone taller, someone prettier, someone who is not so fucked up.

Cheers!

Your EX Fling, Sarcy.

A peculiar email

Dearest Sarc,

I found your blog, by chance.

I was told by someone that you have one, some kid at that café we went to.

I know why you don’t want to let me into your life that much. I know why you snapped when I went over to you to hold you, I know why you shrug me off when I want to have a conversation with you.

Believe me, if I could turn back that bloody clock for you so that you will never meet the man who broke your heart, I would.

But a broken heart calls for healing. You should give way to that.

And for now, I hope that you would answer your phone. I have been trying to get you from yesterday.

I would be your bastard, if you want it that way. Take it out on me, if you want it that way. :P

Kisses and Hugs,

‘Phil the Fling’

--

2124 hours, and my phone is still on flight mode. I am sorry Phil.

Random thoughts-4 days before the birthday.

I came up with a conclusion last evening while having my alcohol fix at Coffee Trap yesterday.

That I am happier single. That I am happier when I don’t care.

So that said, I am going to be happier, single and uncaring.
--

I lost a whopping 3 kg for last week alone!

It could be due to me not having breakfast and dinner nowadays. I would prefer to go straight to sleep after my shower at night not before chatting with friends on my laptop. My friend sent me a job vacancy with one of the huge organizations in KL.

Dear Babe,

You might want to give this a try. We need someone like you here in KL.

Consider it please.

Hugs and Kisses, Cher.

I would have applied, except that my contract tenure here has not expired yet.
--
Yesterday was not one of my good ones. One of my articles was rejected because it was too ‘politically’ controversial that it might give space for a lawsuit. I told the editor of the magazine I am currently free lancing for that I am in no state of mind to come up with a ‘happy’ article right now. I am brooding and I am emotionally a mess.

“Go get laid and then come up with something good.” She said, jokingly.

Am I so slutty that I would need a good fuck to come up with a ditzy happy feel good article?

I feel so dirty and perverted all of the sudden.
--
Phil, my fling, called me up during my solo beer session. He was in Singapore for a meeting for the whole week, and according to him, he was thinking of me, and the things I said during our weekend rendezvous.

“Like not calling me all the time? Let me warn you that if you don’t stop all this calling me on weekdays I am going to stop taking your phone calls altogether.”

“Don’t take it out on me just because your last relationship was fucked up Sarc. I am just trying to be there for you. You don’t want to keep on thinking about the bugger right? I bet he is not even thinking of you right now. He will not be concerned even if you decided to jump down a roof because of him. He’s got a new bitch, and you have got yourself a new bastard, if that’s what you would like me to be. Just face that fact.”

… or something like that rather… there was a whole lot more words than I remembered to put up there but I thought that the words that I used pretty much summed up everything he meant to say.

I guessed, I must have sounded harsh. I did feel that tinge of guilt having put him down like that, but I don’t want to think about it further. A man, or a bastard is not on my agenda right now. He would be better off without me, and I would be better off without him.

He didn’t call me back, and I didn’t call him.

Time to either go celibate or go find another weekend fling.

Jinxed January, Fucked February

Sometime end of January;

I had brushes with cancer a lot.

Most of the time I decided to keep it to myself. This includes those many times during my bimonthly check up when my gynae told me that they have found a lump in my breast. I went back with a heavy heart. I would be kept in suspense for about 18 hours or so before I am told that it was benign.

I went for my usual check up yesterday. I took a longer lunch break. My gynae, Dr. Lim as usual greets me with her smiling eyes and we proceed to do some standard tests.

One would recognize the look on their gynae’s face when something is amiss.

“I need to run some tests. I can feel a lump here (Pressed the area just slightly beneath my left breast).

I looked at her, silently alarmed. I did not say anything. It was a look the gynae must have recognized as the ‘I am gonna die.’ look.

“Don’t worry. I’ll have the test confirmed tomorrow.”

I took off from work early and decided to drive all the way to Permas Jaya to have a bottle of beer. It was one those nooks me and BF (ex) used to frequent. But I was thinking about my condition more than I was thinking about my recent flop of a relationship.

A couple of expats were giving me the eye, but I gave them the ‘piss off, I am not interested’ look. I am always up for a conversation but yesterday was not one of them days.

After that, I went on driving rampage, all the way to Stulang and contemplated on going to TGIF but I was scared that I might bump into BF(ex) with the new bitc… I mean… woman and so I took the long way home, going through Dhoby Street and Waterworks.

I was alone, and I was scared, and there was nobody close enough for me to turn to (Like usual). It was times like these that I truly wish that I am in KL.

I have changed a lot in the past few weeks. The experience has been harrowing and traumatic, between being totally alone to discovering that I might have breast cancer at a young age. I wish I was someone else, and somewhere else.

My Gynae called me this morning around 11.45 am. I couldn’t stop shaking from the moment I woke up, probably in anticipation of worst things to come.

It was not cancerous.

I heaved a sigh of relief when I heard of the result. It was one of those tricks my body decided to pull on me.

Maybe after this, even though I am still struggling to cope with all the things that happened throughout the jinxed month of January 2007 (and I am guessing it will remain that way in February as well) I would be able to see things in a different light.

I can’t stop myself from crying still, and every so often I would just sit at some bar looking at couples who looked as though they are in love with each other.

I must have looked like that. WE must have looked like that.
--
I cut my thumb today, by accident, and as I sucked the blood from it quietly at the bathroom sink, it dawned to me that if Trey was around, he would kick a big fuss over it.

I wondered how it would be like had I stayed with him still.
--
February, 7 days before my birthday;

I made a list of things that I don’t like about BF (ex) when I was at my new fling’s house (Yes, Sarcy’s got a new fling… someone who is fuckable with no strings attached.)

My Fling, let me just call him Phil, looked at the list and asked me as he stroke my hair and kissed my forehead;

“Then why were you with this bugger in the first place?”

And I went, Ha’ah eh? Why-la? Aloud. For one, the ‘Orang putih’ next to me is never going to understand my very local exclamation.

I should have gotten rid of him a long time ago. But as usual, as corny and depressing as it might have sounded, I was blind to everything to notice it. But I have to admit, he did spoil me to bits. That was why I fell in love with him. And as stupid as it sounds now, I am STILL in love with him.

I turned to Phil and asked, jokingly;

“YOU… Mr. Big Shot Engineer is not gonna do anything stupid and call me like, all the time will you? I will only have time for you on the weekends.”

It was that look that he had on his face that scared me, to the extent of giving a lame excuse that I had to go and drive home at that very moment.

As a matter of fact, It wasn’t just that look.

It was the kiss on my forehead and on my eyes, the way he hugged me from behind and how he smiled when he turned up with the brunch he cooked on a tray especially for me who was still lying on the bed on that Saturday morning.

For someone with whom I have recently just got to know for two weeks, it was starting to feel as if another 'relationship' was already in the works.

And, I can't let that happen.

Phil called me that night, I was getting ready to go out with friends for a beer session.

“Are we meeting up tomorrow? It is still the weekend.”

“I’ll keep you updated on that. I might have to go out with some old friends tomorrow. Bye.”

He must have thought that I am some cold hearted bitch to lay him off like that.

Don’t get me wrong. He is sweet, and I would not say that he is not my type either. He is made, he is humble, he respects people, he reads and it was partly his huge (…) collection of books that turned me on in the first place, he looks good and he smells nice (Yeah, I am just shallow like that) but It’s just that it has been too dramatic for me to even start over.

Never in hell or heaven would I repeat my mistakes of being too involved with a man anymore. I am not going to let anyone have the chance to walk all over my limp heart ever again.

Why would I want to be accused of having some kind of pride that I never knew I had, to be told very rudely that I don’t own him just because I asked where he was at that moment, and that I am repulsive, again, when I had nothing but love and support for him?

The scars run deep. I can’t quite get over it yet. It will take a fucking long time for it to heal.
--
5th February, 2007, 5 days until my birthday;

One thing that I still had to laugh off was how BF(ex) told me that he never meant to hurt me. Right… as if.

I laughed about it this morning, on my drive to work.

The guy next to my car must have thought I was crazy for laughing alone.

Walk with us

I blog because I want to let everything out in the open in the most discreet way possible.

Hence, the nickname that proved to be redundant as my face is sometimes plastered all over the site.

Like everyone else in blog Lala-land, I follow the NST VS Bloggers lawsuit, almost, religiously, if you can put it that way.

Its funny how one time ago, blogging is considered to be one of those activities that only the geeks and teens with a lot of time on their hands fastidiously do, and now, a couple of bloggers are actually sued for having (And also writing – la) one.

On Rocky, the first time I met him was way back in year 2004 (Or was it 2005?) we were introduced formally, and after that because I am one of those ‘tiny anchovies’ that the big fishes would not make an effort to even prey on, I think it’s safe to assume that I was pretty much non – existent to the big shot editor. I met him during the launch of Malay Mail’s Southern edition, which one year later was ‘defunct’, in a lack of a proper word.

We now receive backdated issues. Actually, I am now wondering if we still do actually receive it.

I never knew what Rocky or his namesake, Ahiruddin Atan is really like in person, but I personally loved his then weekly column, ‘Rocky’s Bru’.

I kept in touch with one of the people I got to know from the function and after our last phone conversation which took an entire 24 months to materialize, I wondered why didn’t I even ask him about the case.

I remembered (vaguely) reading about an article in NST about how the Chinese Government is looking to ban certain bloggers who were daring enough to criticize the country’s policies and leaders one time ago. I remembered (Also very vaguely) thinking how lucky we bloggers are in Malaysia because never in my dreams, then, anyway, would I expect a defamation lawsuit to be filed against one of us.

Hey, I have been wrong about a lot of things. My life, my capabilities, men, love, so what makes me right in politics?

I am not into politics, I am as political as a ‘Kambing’ (goat) is to bathing. But I do make an effort to know some of the controversies happening in the country. My press correspondences who shall forever be unnamed make sure that I get my daily dosage of national juicy gosses.

As ‘unpolitical’ as I am, I still do very much believe in the freedom of speech. I still lack the courage, to blog under my own name (which is largely reasoned towards me having a fairly long and old fashioned name) and to write about things that for once, matters, but nevertheless, Bloggers Unite, Walk With Us. :)