Meditation... and why I am crap at it

The last time I tried meditation, was maybe last year.

I was trying out a Kundalini Yoga class and to explore our 'spiritual side', meditation was one of the agendas of the class.

I am one of those who cannot sit still. I am in constant need of doing something. Anything... just... something.

I get frustrated when I have to go for my facial. I will only go for facials when I am really... tired. That's the only way I could actually stand 60 minutes of NOT MOVING.

I am not trying to put meditation on the same plane as getting a facial. I am sure on a spiritual side, getting a facial holds less significance then meditation.

Anyway, back to my last meditation 'session'.

We were asked to 'shut our worldly desires and focus on our inner peace'.

What went on in my head, and still does to this day was (is) that :

' Why should we shut our worldly desires to find inner peace?'

I mean, who is to say that we are not able to achieve inner peace by responding to our worldly desires?

And what exactly are worldly desires?

Sex, I guess is one of them, but I thought, there is this Tantric sex terminology. It is believed that sex, however unorthodox it could be, leads to the final revelation of nirvana.

Unless of course I got that wrong.

But, in all essence, sex is basically, still a worldly desire, is it not?

The other thing that went through my head was why is it that we have to pull ourselves from the world, to achieve inner peace? Does this mean that we can't achieve peace unless we are out of this world?

So... there I was, in my imperfect lotus position, trying to meditate, trying to focus on my 'inner peace', and found out that the only thing I achieved during that session was a heightened sense of sound and smell (can't say sight because we have to close our eyes to find our inner peace.). I am suddenly aware of every sound, every movement around me.

I am pretty sure someone snored but I can't open my eyes to risk losing that 'inner peace'.

I am still not sure if the heightened senses were me getting closer to having 'inner peace' (You can say this with a degree of contempt and sarcasm, I would understand if you do.) but I was sure as hell that I will never meditate ever.

I take the corpse position at the end of every yoga class as an avenue for me to rest my body after all that twisting and bending. I still feel... awkward listening to the Yoga instructor telling us to 'let go......' But still, it's better than to shut my worldly desires to find inner peace. At least, the Yoga teacher I had only asked us to recognize our potential.

I mean, I respect people who believes in meditation. One of my friends said that she saw an astral projection of herself during one of her meditation sessions, which I thought, was totally cool!

I wish I can do that.

But I can't, and I am strangely ok with not being able to. I am perfectly happy with focusing my physical energy to find just peace.