A prayer

There are times when I run my fingers through my NSA's hair that I thought... what the flying fuck am I doing?

Like really, deep inside I knew that I need to end it, need to let it go, have a real option of having a real relationship.

Deep inside, I sort of know that, I have to let this man go!

But somehow I can't. I need to feel that longing, that wanting, coming from someone else, even if it's for less than 24 hours.

I don't know how many times last year alone that I was saying to myself that I need to end this, this is over... it should have been over a long time ago, but yet it is still ... here.

As much as I actually know that I am so wrong for him and he is sooo bloody wrong for me,I can't help myself.

I l...ike him. I sometimes thought that we might have the chance to be together, how nice it would be... but after that, I switch back to logic. Technically, I can't be with him, and we have very little in common. Although opposites are supposed to attract.

The only reason why I am praying for another man to distract me is because I want to stop looking at NSA that way. I want to start looking at him the way I used to look at him, not how I am looking at him right now.

Please God, just give me this one tiny wish.

When the clock strikes 12 am

This happened today :

Note : Please ignore the pink bra strap...

I turned 32 today.

As in TODAY.

I will start my 32nd year with a long impending one week off.

I have made a huge step in my career.

I made a step back as far as personal life is concerned. Unless a man can step forward and prove to me that not ALL men are idiots. I can do with 'some' of them being idiots.

I celebrated the first few minutes of my 32nd-hood with my best friend, the cake bearer Joyce Chong, my good friend and barefooted colleague, Thanhes, my ex - Boss, Nagen, my HR, Rizal and my current Boss, Balan, who snapped this picture of me faking a candle blow (He snapped the bb cam late... so fake it lor!)

How did I feel?

I felt blessed. I haven't gotten any presents, but I feel oh so blessed.

And of course all the wishes on my blackberry. How can I not feel more blessed. :)... and I got two cards this year. I never get birthday cards since a long time.

And I am officially, the youngest manager in the team, the only female manager in the night operations team and also, the oldest unmarried grandchild in my family.

I said it before, gonna say it again. I am blessed. I thank God for everything.

Happy Birthday, Me. :)

2011, Hear me BLEAT!!!!

First of all *Ehem* :

Gong Xi Fa Chai!!! Xin Nian Quai Le!!!!

Ok...

So in the spirit of the rabbit, I hopped to work just now. Had a restless sleep, kept on waking up every two hours for God knows why.

And then I spent the first part of my evening in conference calls, email replying and buying my team food.

I googled for a while (I am a fantastic multitasker -- -_-) and found this out :

Earth Goats – Years 1919 and 1979


Stable with feet firmly planted in the ground, Earth Goats are conservative, independent and practical, but not very confident in themselves. Most important in life is the family and they truly enjoy all that life has to offer.


Compatibility

Goats are compatible with Rabbits and Pigs and incompatible with the Rat and Ox.
--


I have to say that there are discrepancies in the statement.

For one, I am not a family oriented person. I love being on my own and although I love my family to bits, too much of family gives me hives. I have been living with my parents when I was in JB and there is not one day that went by without us picking on each other.

Living apart saw us being nicer to each other, we are even able to understand each other better. If that's not a positive progress, I don't know what is.

I will be there for them when they need me, and I will go back to my life when there is no need for me to be around.

Apart from that, I am a wee bit conservative especially when it comes to culture (Which is, in my opinion, the only slice of identity we have left) and I have two of them. I am independent and practical.

What I also didn't know is that there are 5 elements to a Goat, and because I was born in 1979, I am an Earth Goat.

Interesting? I even found how Goats are like in every specific element in life :

Chinese Zodiac - Goat


Personality

Occupying the 8th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Goat (or Sheep) symbolizes such character traits as creativity, intelligence, dependability, and calmness. Comfortable being alone to ponder the workings of their inner minds, Goats enjoy being part of a group, but prefer the sidelines rather than the center. Their nurturing personality makes Goats excellent care-givers. They’re quite and reserved because they spend much time absorbed in their thoughts.

Home and alone is where Goats feel most comfortable. There they can express themselves artistically, whether it’s by painting, cooking or participating in whatever artistic endeavors they enjoy. Goats prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds. They don’t need elaborate furnishings; only items reflecting their desire for art.

When traveling or seeking entertainment, Goats prefer groups or venues that hold many people. Goats spend money on fashions that give them a first class appearance. Although Goats enjoy spending money on the finer things in life, they are not snobbish.

Health

Perhaps because Goats are basically serene, they tend to have fewer health problems. Their fragile exterior hides the fact they’re typically very healthy. When they’re happy, they’re healthy. When Goats become unhappy, especially as a result of romance, they quickly become sick.

Relationships

Goats tend to be private, so it can take effort to get to know one. The Goat is the one who will decide when and with whom it will share its personal life. As a result, most Goats have few “close” friends, yet they’ll work hard for those they love.

Career

Goats at work prefer being part of a flock. Power and status aren’t important. Goats will only assume leadership roles when asked directly. They’ll never volunteer. Good career choices for Goats include: florist, interior designer, daycare teacher, pediatrician(!!) actor, editor, hair stylist, illustrator, musician, and art history teacher (egad... what?), .

Except for the ones in orange... Spot on!

Go here if you want to know more about yours.

http://www.chinesezodiac.com/

You shall not... wear a bikini and not swim!

I wanted to confirm my booking for Bali just now.

Owh... to be in the sun, drenched in SPF 50 or more sun screen lotion, in my bikini and a cliched Pina Colada is just what my strained muscles and overstretched brain mass need. To have the sun and to waddle in the sea water.

Yes... the waddling part kind of, slapped me in the face.

I have bikinis. I love bikinis. I am a true advocate of hell-do-what-you-frikkin'-hell-want-while-you-are-still-'young' so I do not have anything against curvy women in fluorescent yellow bikinis.

All power to you, sistas.

But... but... to waddle when you are supposed to be... swimming in your bikini kind of defeated the purpose, y'know?

So I decided to hold off the trip and googled for swimming lessons instead.

(Today's my filing day so I do not have a lot of things to do)

I found one, it looks good and it's only RM 220 for about 12 lessons.

I am going to drag my best friend kicking and screaming on Saturday (He is my driver so what the hell, I hate driving in Sunway anyway).

Now to go and find a one piece swimsuit. Hopefully, after the lessons, I can for once, swim, and not waddle.

My ass would probably look like this. Shameless kan? But what the hell, you only live once (FYI, that is Jennifer Love Hewitt's ass you are looking at)

Ganbatte!!!

Questions that I would NEVER have the answer to

1) Most of my girlfriends are turned off by Malay men. They are not SPGs, they are just more welcoming of Malaysian men from other races. My experiences with Malay men had not been pleasant either. Why is that?

2) Why is it that Malaysians are obsessed with this whole race bullshit? Do I really have to spend 20 minutes at the race column EVERY time I have to fill in any form and end up putting Malay Chinese?

3) Why is it that people think they deserve to be paid big bucks when they are doing squat at work?

4) Why do people think it's always the management's fault when they don't perform at work?If you have been on more than 1 Performance plan, then shouldn't the fault just lie with YOU?

5) Why do people get offended when we inform them of their shortcomings, and angered when we don't?

6) Why do people get emotional when you leave them alone and get even MORE emotional when you ignore them?

7) Why do men hit women, and the women decided to stay with the these fucktards who will definitely go to fucking hell because the women love the fuckers?

8) Why do we settle?

9) Why would anyone think owning a beemer make any significant difference with me?

10) How can a guy own the same two pairs of shoes for 5 years?

11) Why would my Grandma be thinking that I actually 'need' a man to 'take care' of me? Have I not been doing exactly that for the past 20 odd years?

12) How can anyone who said that they are not racists, make a seemingly racist statement and still stress that they are not racist? 

13) Why would anyone say that being vindictive is not the same thing as being judgmental? Wouldn't that be something like telling people that porridge is really not rice. 

14) Why would people say that they know something about everything when they really know nothing about anything?

15) Why do people assume that all Johoreans are racists? 

16) So people who assume other people are racists, are not racists?

17) How does Anthony Bourdain get to go exciting places and do exciting stuff?

18) And... I don't?

19) Do I really have to look like Angelina frikkin' Jolie to do all that?

20) Why would anyone think that listening to 50 Cent is the epitome of all coolness? 

Enlighten me would you? 

Dahlink... why wouldn't I be serious?

Darlene, the home office Goddess thinks that I was kidding when I said I was knitting to put myself to sleep (Which is not something you should do if you want to sleep at all).

The thing is, this broad ---

Crochets :

And knits :

What's the difference? Oh well, pretty much the whole, 1 stick versus 2 sticks. I want to make sure I have both sticks covered (This sounds dirty... :P)

Sure I am still on the scarves and hats and snow caps phase. But I will get better. I will, one day be the person who will resort to knitting cool scarves and stuff when I do not know what to buy for someone's birthday.

I have never been a handicrafty kind of person. So to find out that I am actually kind of good at this, was a pleasant surprise.

My first papier mache plate was a disaster. Comparing my weird 'masterpiece' that looked like it was just excavated from some neanderthal dig site with my classmates' colorful tea set (I suspect the parents have something to do with that. Unfair that my mother was also a handicraft retard like me... or should it be the other way around? Egg and the chicken theory.. No?), nobody would ever suspect me to knit/crochet.

Or to be 10 feet close to anything that resembles thread, or needles.

Sure I know how to sew a button, cave woman style. You put the thread in, you sew the bloody button on, and you are done. There is no art there. That's more like a .... life skill.

But to maneuver a ball of yarn (it's called a skein, and there is more than one type of knitting / crochet) and to actually understand what a single crochet stitch means...

For me, it is... unthinkable.

Why did I start?

I have a stressful job. Somehow, I find joy in crochet and knitting. You can see my level of stress on my projects too. The row that was stitched tightly? That was because I was pissed off with my Boss probably, maybe...

Some say that it's a way to abstinence too. Somehow... I don't really think so. :P

So... why would I be kidding if I said I knit? Never say never... :)

A thought to while on while being sick...

I didn't mention it before but I thought I saw my ex best friend when I went to the clinic in Bangsar yesterday.

I decided to have some chicken soup at Plan B at Bangsar Village after seeing the doctor as I doubt that I would be able to cook anything for myself when I reached home. Afterall, I need to take some food before I eat my meds anyway.

I was already seated (And the service at that place sucked!) when I turned and saw her.

What came out of our so called 'friendship' was nothing but a mistake. I am sure she would have a lot to say about me, but I have my side of the story and I hold to it stubbornly.

It was kind of a shame as we were friends since we were 9, but she grew up to be an ignoramus. An arrogant bitch who maybe thought I was an idiot.

I will neither forgive nor forget. I won't forgive or seek forgiveness because I am indifferent towards her existence and I will never forget because she sets the standard of what kind of people I will religiously STAY AWAY from.  

I have had the bad luck of knowing people I shouldn't involve in my life at all recently. Started with this one, and then a certain cow and goat (nicknames that I gave to two ex so called office mates cum ex friends I know), the hippo with self image and priority issues and the soapbox stand-up.

There are just not enough decent people to make friends with nowadays. So much so that my best friend said in desperation;

"Let's just... NOT meet anyone new anymore. Let's just settle with the three of us. At least when we fight, we fight like adults and not stab each other in the back."

I used to like meeting new people, make new friends, but my best friend was kind of right... people are just unpredictable, and there's a limit to my patience (I don't actually have a lot of patience to go around with).

I am not stopping myself from meeting new people, I hope the people I am going to meet after this are able to excuse my stand off-ish attitude.

There is a reason for everything anyway. And somehow, the saying 'Don't judge a book by its' cover' just doesn't work anymore. Maybe we should take into account what the surface is trying to tell us before diving in deeper.

PS : I hate being sick... I hate coughing. Blearghhh!!!!