Sunday, December 30, 2012

Yes. I am picky that way

My sister, bless her heart, tried to hook me up with a guy, recently.

The guy is a widower, an engineer.

I casually told her that I am not interested.

"I am not interested in Malays. Or Malaysians. Only Mat Salehs."

I said, ever so crudely.

Coming from someone who had always been a rebel in the family, this shouldn't 'shock' my parents.

Hey, listen... I tried. I tried dating local men before. I failed, miserably.

I don't think a bikini donning, yoga mat toting 34 YO is the local men's idea of the 'ideal wife'. To add on, I am extremely opinionated and I don't give a damn about religion too.

Both of my 'almost relationships' weren't with local men. I admit, I like white guys. I like their mindset. I like that no stupid religious ideals are being shoved up my ass. I like to talk in English 24-7.

I am only holding myself off because I didn't want to be the stereotypical Sarong Party Girl. In the end, who am I kidding, I like white men. I can't deny it anymore.

Am I a Sarong Party Girl? Well, I don't dye my hair blonde, I don't have over tanned skin, I have my own money and I don't have frikkin' wet dreams of having a green card.

So... well... it's subjective really. I can say no, but people will disagree. I figure, if men can have preferences, women can too.

By the way, Happy New Year all.

Keep Calm and Carry Om!

Love,

Ayu


Friday, December 21, 2012

Spent

I am maybe screwed up in many ways than one.

However, there are some things that I have made my peace with.

For an example, no matter how sad I am inside about what happened a few months ago, I believe I am able to bounce back, with a clear head. It is hard, but I do want to go over that hurdle and start afresh.

So talking with someone who thinks he had everything figured out and thinks that he had paid his dues enough to justify his next action was kind of disconcerting.

Disconcerting just because, he believes that being divorced and having a pension plan of 900 AUD a month that will be paid out for 4 months is enough. He is then going to take a flight to Manila and hump younger Filipino women who is maybe 30 years younger than him.

He is against materialistic women and thinks it is superficial. He also thinks that they have low esteem issues and that independent women has agendas.

I casually said that it's ok, in my book, for a woman to be materialistic, if she can afford it on her own. It is wrong for a woman to be dependent on a man for anything, especially if she is dependent on a 55 YO who thinks 900 AUD a month in pension is going to do anything for him in the long run.

I told him that what he has and actually wishes for, is a sadder existence than what I am right now.

"If you are against being superficial so much, then you won't be as picky. Just get with a fat ass and fuck a thousand times. I mean, you are a pot, calling the kettle black."

Please. I. Am. Not. Born. Fucking. Yesterday.

I ended the conversation with 'Whatever, do anything you think is right.' and walked away asking myself why the fuck is it that I keep on meeting these miserable fucktards.


Courtesy of getgoinggirly.com



Sunday, December 16, 2012

... A brimful of sunshine...

Bali was breathtaking.


... it was groovy...


... it was just what I needed...


A couple more of these... and I am set. 

Love, 

Ayu

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

From Bali.... with Love



I have just decided that if I ever get to retire, I might retire in Bali.

Maybe somewhere in Ubud, where there are plenty of spiritually charged (somewhat pretentious) western yogis to mix around with.

The energy is different. Almost every house is a temple, and although they were really cashing out in tourism, the people still come across as genuine.

I was able to get out of the funk I was in a couple of days ago.

It was a good distraction.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, December 6, 2012

...

I started this entry with no title in mind.

I told one of my best friends once that recently I feel that my life is empty.

Even with the travel plans to Bali happening next week, I still feel as if I am walking in the dark, reaching out to shadows of things and people that used to be there.

It's hard to excite me with anything nowadays.

I feel empty. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled again.

I am not sure if it's because of what happened before this. I am not sure if I am feeling this way because I feel as if nothing I do will ever be enough. I am not even close to getting someone to share my life with, even if I want that person to be there without a future.

I even hid all those entries that never failed to pull me down.

I don't know if I can trust myself or other people I don't know who claimed to want to know and be with me.

How do you even start building all that with a stranger? I did that, twice. I failed, twice. Disappointed, oh thousands of times. I don't divulge these details to anyone because I don't want to be reminded of it because my God... it is just so tiring thinking about it.

I said to a close friend once that in 20 years, all I can see me be is dead, a seemingly strong woman with a broken heart. I cried twice today, and plastered a smile again  to get out of it.

I don't know if I am just depressed. Maybe I am. But maybe what I need is the realization that at least I loved and lost, which is better than to have never loved again, even if it is unrequited.

Just hoping that Bali can take this girl out of the dumps even if it's only for a couple of days.

Love,

Ayu






Friday, November 30, 2012

9 days

9 days from now, I will be here :


A friend got an awesome deal on The Ayu Kintamani that I just HAD to take it.

I think I deserve this after the last few months that I had.

This is to start off my travelling resolution. I have already purchased tickets to Beijing and Shanghai. On top of that, I am aiming to go to Cambodia and Vietnam before the first 6 months of 2013's over.

Don't worry, I will be blogging from Bali. And from everywhere else I will be at, IF we cross over to 2013.

Love,

Ayu

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Christmas wishes

I was talking with a good friend of mine one afternoon about how things are with the both of us.

He told me about his slight weight gain after he discovered a substance that he's been taking for his bodybuilding, and I told him about the weight I loss, not from exercise, but more from the eat once a day habit that unintentionally adopted over the last few weeks.

See, when I zone out at work, I get home drained out and tired. I go straight to sleep. I only eat 1 meal a day and that would usually last me the whole day.

Because of work, I would not have any time to feel hungry.

The subject goes to Christmas and Christmas presents and wishes.

He asked what would Santa be bringing me this year. I said... Nothing.

As for Christmas wishes, I have plenty. Most of which, requires a miracle.

"What would you want, as a Christmas pressie? I will be your Santa. And I loathed giving things people don't use or need. So you better tell me precisely what you want."

I asked for an interval timer, for my workouts.

There are stuff that I'd love someone to get for me. Louboutins, Blahniks, Gucci bags, Lululemon stuff.

But as fate has it, I will have to work my ass off to get those myself.

Recently, through careful logistics arrangement, I was able to get my first soul mat from Manduka.



I am ecstatic. Time to bring my practice to another level!

After much consideration (Well... 3-5 minutes worth of that on the phone).

"Buy me an interval timer, for my workout." I said.

Now it will great if he can get me this, which is something I have been thinking to get for myself for Christmas;

But I will take what I can get.

So what do you want from Santa this year?

Love,

Ayu

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Stressed

There's a reason why I do Yoga.

For one, at any one time, I will be stressed.

For whatever reason.

For now, it's because of lack of sleep.

And my dissatisfaction of not being able to go to gym  and do a proper headstand for two weeks.

I hate that. I wish I can be a cat.


Hmmphsss...

On another note :



I admit. The mat cheers me up.

Love,

Ayu

Monday, November 12, 2012

The rules of attraction

Human chemistry is tricky.

It goes beyond logic.

So it doesn't matter how nice a person is... if there's no chemistry, there is no way anything can go from there.

Sometimes I do think about the chemistry I have with the men I met. I have the tendency to date 'fit' men. I am not used to dating anyone who is not, anymore.

I have only dated one person who was obese overweight, and I think he still is.

I broke that up not because he was obese overweight, I ended it because he was never there when I needed him and plus... he was a racist pig.

In my case, I had always been, and I think I can speak on behalf of the women's population here, attracted to bad boys... aka... bastards.

And yes, I ignore the good ones, putting them into the friend zone, never to be considered as a person I can be with.

I am also highly attracted to men who knows what they want, who is athletic, who can at least.... make me feel as if I am ... well... controlled.

And I do still have a weakness for bad boys... but a friend once told me, the one good thing about bad boys, is that, when they love you, they truly will love you. A changed bad boy is the best man any woman can get.

I can vouch for that, after all, the one who who got away, who is now in the UK, who is now a lawyer, who is now married to a woman who shares my name, who now has a daughter, was the baddest ass, who by chance, met with a bad ass girl.

In a way, we domesticated each other. We learned the meaning of commitment and we learned that we can't stay bad forever, edgy... yes... but it's impossible to stay bad when you are in love.

Which sounds... cheesy... and corny.

No,  I am not in love, nor am I in a relationship now. I am in the process of being in one.... and hopefully, this can be the final one that I will ever need to do a trial and error on.

Well, one can wish and hope.

Love,

Ayu


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Life.... and everything about it

Usually, we will pause and lament on all the stuff that we have done when the year is about to come to an end.

We would like to think, that figuratively, the new year will bring a sense of renewal, even if the renewal comes in the smallest form.

I spent the last weekend alone, alcohol free and working my fat ass out in the gym. I am not sure what I want to do this weekend. I have received a few invitations from a couple of friends who knew that I have been feeling like crap for the last few weeks.

I don't know what will 2013 bring. I don't even know if I am going to be alive in 2013. Life is too short for me to make any kind of plans. Life can be taken away, just like that, in a matter of seconds.

I know travels seemed like the only way to go. I will be hitting 34 next year and that's a nice number and judging on how I look now, I dare say that I think I am good, for now.

If God is gracious enough to let me live the rest of my life by doing what I hope to do in 2013, I am thankful.

I am writing this not because I had to write. I write this because I feel just that.

I look forward to 2013.

Love,

Ayu


Monday, November 5, 2012

A yoga sense of mind

I was told by a friend that when he sees me doing Yoga, I sort of...

Zoned out.

It was like I am in a space-time continuum.

I'd be unapologetic about it most of the time. I believe any one who is a Yoga  nut would agree that that's exactly what we want. That's our ultimate objective... to zone out in our practice.

When I am on my mat, it's me.Myself.And. I... with the universe.

'It's some spiritual shit... man.'

I jokingly told my friend.

It's that one thing that I can lose (with one 'O') myself with, the realization that my practice is my own. When I am practicing, no one cheats and no one dies.

It's the perfect world for me.

Love,

A**

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

November

Technically, it is now only 60 days to 2013. 

Professionally, I have been managing operations for 3 years. If I am still here in April next year, I would have been with this company for a full 5 years. 

Personal life wise, I am still single, although I do have a lot more dosh then when I was starting out. I look a whole lot better and physically, I am stronger and fitter. I have fallen in love with a person who died, and a part of my heart died with him.

But that's another story. 

I just want this year to end. I just want to start a new year fresh with new possibilities. 

I am at a crossroad right now. I wish I have a bendy body so that I can take on my Yoga practice with ease. I wish I can have someone to go home to and to just talk about stupid stuff and lip syncing to crappy old cowboy movies. I wish I can have a totally new project to challenge me at work. 

I also wish I can take off and leave this country to find out what I can do out there in the big bad world. 

I am glad that I became the person that I am right now. I am glad that I decided to live my life under my own rule and not others'. There's nothing about me that I would change. 

Well... except for my bum and thighs. But I will soon get the pins I finally deserve. 

I have faith in myself on that. 

I will try to blog more often too. If it is indeed going to be the end of the world in 2012, let us go out with a bang.

Love and a Happy Belated Halloween to all,

A**


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Privatize me

A couple of years ago, my blogger persona was attacked by a crazy so called 'blue-blood' idiot and also a judgmental 'pot calling the kettle black' dumb ass.

Because of these two, the blog scene that I was a part of, changed. Even my private FB account was not spared.

I do not know if the 'Blue-Blood' schmuck is still blogging, but the dumb ass, after being bombarded by other bloggers, decided to shut the blog down.

These two played on other people's personal life, and made shallow attacks on other bloggers they deemed 'pretentious', without realizing that, in fact... they are the pretentious ones.

I put my blogging activity on a hiatus for about 6 months before I decided to start over.

But I never attempted to privatize my blog.

Why?

Amidst all of the online content control shit, I still believe that writing and telling people what I feel and what I have reluctantly gone through, is my God given right.

It was a shame. A lot of people whose blogs were worth a read, decided to shut down their blogs almost instantaneously.

Although I have to admit, I am not as emotional as I was a couple of years ago. My blog has no inkling of anger and frustration, although the last few entries were sombre and sad.

I am still opinionated, but I decided that caring too much about something that was not even worth my time was tiring. These people who has the narrowest perspective of things, and who barely knew the people they trashed on, never knew that what they have said about some of these bloggers (One of the blogger was a closet gay guy) had possibly scarred that person for life, are obviously unaware of one thing... who will always be a bitch...

Her name is Karma.

One way or another, she will hunt them down, and stuff her medicine down their throats.

It is a shame I would never know how.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I vs the rest of the world

I never understood the 'Muslim' women's psyche of being guided by the husband.

Seriously, I don't see why we should follow what the husband thinks. I do not think there is such a thing as a significant other or the other half.

I am my own person as far as I know. I think I make more sense than the other men I came across.

Men and women are equals. Men should respect and listen to women just like how he would, another fellow human being.

I also don't understand the need for me to have a husband who is religious.

The only thing I would hope from my next partner (I don't believe in the concept of marriage), is that he would be respectful and kind. I don't need him to be god fearing, as I don't think that God should be feared instead of loved, and I don't need him to be of any religion.

He should just be... him.

Of course, if he is into Yoga, with nice shoulders and ass, funny and sexy at the same time is a huge bonus.

 Namaste. :)

A**

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Social Networks Phunk.

I am a Facebooker and an occasional Tweeter.

Unless you have been living under a rock since 1979, I am not an author or a bird.

I am told that I am an interesting Facebooker. I have 140 over 'friends' on my list. I am only close to maybe 10 people from that list, and all the others are my ex schoolmates, college mates, cousins, aunts, sibling and my Mum.

Now, it's not my unimpressive friends list that makes me an interesting Facebooker. It is my status updates. I think about things constantly. I 'gobble' literature like I would low fat wheat bits. I read all kinds of stuff.

I even read a book written in Jawi (Malay language in arab alphabets) about a great religious man, who I only knew existed when I read about him in the book.

I read Karl Marx along side the Buddhist scripture, and excerpts of Torah along side the Bible.

Well anyway, back to my interesting Facebook persona.

Recently, I have come to love reading quotations of Buddha and the Dalai Lama. I find it a peaceful insight compared to all the other heavier stuff I have read.

As usual, I quoted interesting Buddha's sayings on Facebook.

My Mum called me up asking me if I am going to convert to a Buddhist.

'What?' I said.

'You do know that you have a religion?'

'So? Does that make me an idiot?'

Harsh I know, but I felt patronized. If you know me, I don't choose who I am sarcastic with.

Maybe the fact that I do Yoga and wear Mala beads on my left wrist triggered an 'oh-my-God-my-kid-is-going-to-be-a-frikkin-freethinker-and-I'm-a-bad-parent' alarm.

The fact that I am taking care of myself and having a good job and is not a serial killer is enough to justify the fact that my parents are good parents, despite them using me as a child laborer since I was 10 when I had to cook and clean the house because I was the eldest.


Being brought up in a traditional Malay Muslim settings did nothing for me. All I could learn from it was that, it was a form of invisible restrain on myself as an individual. My place as a woman was preconceived for me by a group people I never cared about. I learned that God is an entity to be feared, instead of loved, and at a  very young age... I truly believed that just by saying 'stupid', gives me a ticket to hell.

Understandably... I don't have a good impression of my birth religion.


What I did after the call was something that I should have done a LONG time ago.

I limit my profile visibility.

Moral of the story - Don't include your family in your FB.

.... and Oh... beware of lukewarm spots in the swimming pool.


Hippie

A friend of mine referred to me as the fashionable hippie.

I am perfectly happy wearing casual hippie stuff but I have a weakness for Karen Millen's dresses and beautiful heels and bags.

While I am not so much a make - up person, I wouldn't exactly stray away from buying MAC / Chanel stuff.

My knees go weak at a whiff of Chanel No. 5s or Thierry Muggler's perfumes.

I know that Yoga is supposed to be a practice that should be full of humility, however... I can't say no to a Manduka, or a Lululemon top/pants/jackets.

I am a terrible hippie.






Thursday, October 4, 2012

Bitterness and self righteousness

I am a bitch at work.

Yes. I know what I am doing, and I know what I want, and I stand by it.

I am also fairly reasonable. I base my opinions on facts and numbers. I am hard to deal with, no doubt about that, but my terms are negotiable.

I try to not bitch about other people I don't know. I am not righteous, I am not a saint.

I suck at pretending, I can't fake anything for fucks.

Therefore, at work, if I don't like something that was said, you can see it on my face.

That said, I don't understand why is it that people from other division think that I am a stuck up, that I slept my way up and that my staffs hate me.

Really?

Just because I look better than those other women and put on make up to work.... I slept my way up?

Really?

Bitches. Dumb asses.

Urghhhh!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Low Fat Veg Recipes Hunt

It's not easy being a vegetarian.

All the more, if you are a reluctant vegetarian.

I still can't go through a whole week without meat, so every sunday, I will 'meat out' on selected meats. I have a particularly high sensitivity to white meat, so I avoid chicken and fish at all times.

I am grateful that I don't have to nick mutton off my platter completely for now.

Now the challenge is to find veg recipes that is low calorie and healthy. Mind you, not all vegetarian recipes are healthy. Imagine cooking all veg with coconut oil, just the way Malaysians would love. I think, I would not be able to fit into any of my pants anymore by now.

My 'sub-challenge' would be to find time for me to prepare my meal. Before this, I was a bit errant on my meal planning. I would even eat tuna from the can because I simply wouldn't have the time to prepare a decent meal.

Now that I can no longer eat tuna, I have to pay more attention on what I put on my plate. Having rice is not an option either. Rice is my vice, regardless the type of rice I would choose to cook.

The easiest veg meal to do would be a simple boiled potato salad. I love the pre-packed rocket salad they have in supermarkets (RM 5.99). I will just serve it with some boiled potatoes and I am done.

Other Veg options that I have attempted so far would be :

- Braised Tofu, red capsicum and potatoes in oyster sauce.-served with brown rice
- Capsicum and feta cheese baked pasta
- Spicy couscous with asparagus
- Vegetarian curry (Potatoes, eggplants, carrots and celery)-served with brown rice
- My version of roasted mushroom and rocket sandwich.

But on most days, I live on a diet of raw veg (salad), wholewheat slice with peanut butter (pre-gym food) and nuts (cashews, pistachios etc.), and milk.



It is really hard to go Veg when you know that some animals are really created to provide food for us omnivorous humans. Yes, animals should be treated better, but some animals should be --- eaten. Get?

I am not to trying to justify my carnivorous history, it's just that some vegetarians really gets on my nerves. And now, I am becoming them! Well... reluctantly. I guess, Karma is one BIG bitch.

Love,

Veg Girl

Monday, September 10, 2012

So ... You are like .... 25??????

I dated a 25 YO British guy just now.

Yes... say it with me.... a 25 YO man (Umm... boy?)

To be fair, when it comes to men, all men are boys.

Boys will be boys. When a man reaches his thirties, they will be --- old boys.

You get what I mean?

But let's get back to my *'anak ikan' adventure.

He was a lovely London boy --- That's what I called him. We went for a lovely late lunch, had a lovely meal and because Starfucksbucks coffee wasn't enough, I dragged him to my caffeine haunt in Bangsar.

I had a great time, despite the 8 years age difference. He looked almost my age and he definitely does not talk like any other 25 YO I know.

It was only a date in the first place, and it was really something that I would probably forget by the time the day is over. The most important thing here is the fact that I.... am broadening my options.

Giving people chances.... Opportunities... what-have-yous.

Well, I have one extra friend on top of everyone I have now.

That's... something... innit?

* A lingo for a younger man with an older woman. Can also be compared to the 'Cougar' phenom.





Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I - Vegetarian

For real.

Like... it is no more a speculation. It is confirmed.

Meat, makes my eczema worst.

Well, maybe there had been no confirmation from the specialist yet, but from what I can see, my skin is no longer itchy now that I have decided to get off meat completely for the past week.

Last Wednesday, I went for a farewell lunch for my now ex-boss at a Nyonya restaurant in Kota Damansara. The food was great. Of course I have been on a veg diet since Friday. (Jaeger bombs, Tequilas and buckets of beers included- Don't ask)

Of course, the menu will be non - vegetarian.

So we had 3 types of fish cooked in Asam pedas, 2 types of prawns, squid, Pandan chicken and sambal belacan.

My nightmare came to life that day.

The only veg dish was fried eggplant (no belacan) and kangkung stirfry in garlic.

It is kind of impolite for me to not eat most of the dishes there, although they know that I am a veg-eater, because I insisted that I was okay with it.

The truth is, I didn't want to be a stick in the mud and make everyone else roll their eyes at my picky eating habits.

Not like I have a choice.

So... I ate a bit of the fish, which was a pomfret and I know I can eat it. But of course, everything else has belacan in it.

My irritation starts about 2 hours after that. I went out with a friend in the evening for some drinks at KLCC and it started to get worst. I went back to my friend's house for some quick remedy of ice packs and a bit of vodka and had to work remotely from my friend's house. (Everything's possible with a tablet. :D)

So during the weekend, I resolved.... fine... I am going to go full veg. Having an irritating skin condition where it itches is not cool.

I have managed to find a few nice Veg selection when I was out actually :

1) Roasted mushroom ciabatta sandwich with Rocket Salad in Plan B MidValley Megamall.



2) Baby Spinach Fattayeh in Al-Amar Express, Bukit Bintang.




And despite not having any meat for the whole weekend (until now)... I am still a happy camper :


Glass is half full always... even if it's with Vegetables.

Love.... Veg Girl.


Thursday, August 30, 2012

And I wonder...

Self - deprecation.

There are a lot of questions that I would love to get answers to.

a) If we are not supposed to eat junk, then why do we have to come up with junk food?
b) If I don't eat much, why am I still fat?
c) Why skinny women still think they are fat?
d) Why is it that chocolate/Nasi Lemak/Burger goes straight to your hips?
e) WHY do healthy crap tastes like crap and unhealthy crap taste like heaven?
f) Why do women in relationships hate sex?
g) Why are sex - loving women single?
h) Why are women, complicated?
i) Why do needy women turn men on?

WHY?

and of course :

j) Why do I have to be vegetarian when I do not want to?

I don't have the answers and will probably never get the answer to it.

At this point, all I am doing is meeting more people. Making more friends. No expectations. No obligations.

I love good insightful conversation. It helps me to get into men's / women's psyche. What they want, what they thought they want.

I thought I wanted a few things in my twenties :

1) Someone who 'Loves' me. (Ugh)
2) Someone who 'Loves' me for what I am. (Ughx2)
3) Marriage
4) Kids

Now that I am nearing my mid 30's, these are what I want :

1) Someone who Likes me (At least)
2) Good sex
3) Great career and a 50k a month paycheck is not too bad.

Experience and life's bitter journey is a bitch.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Curb your enthusiasm

... Or.... the lack of it.

So I am right now at my hometown.

I was locked out of my car for the second time this year, at a petrol kiosk. Thankfully, I was still 5 minutes away from my house and office.

So my best friend came to the rescue.

My handbag, my blackberry and also my car keys were in the car at that time.

I was totally immobile at that time. The guys at the petrol kiosk was kind enough to let me use the phone.

I head off home at about 10.30, and arrive at Ayer Keroh at about 11.30 pm.

So. Right now, the only thing that I was excited about is to clean the kitchen.

I am somewhat... OCD about these kinds of things. The only one in my family who is, as a matter of fact.

I am trying to be enthusiastic about Raya... really... Trying really hard.

Wish me lots of luck.

Ayu

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Peeved

I hate hypocrites.

I know of a woman who complains when her expat husband eats bacon. She thinks it's foul and kept on saying that he shouldn't do it because he has converted to Islam and is not supposed to be eating that 'haram meat'.

All this, despite the fact that they have been having sex before their marriage, and also that she drinks alcohol, which is 'haram' every other time.

She justifies her act of drinking beer in Ramadhan by drinking it discreetly. She asked her husband to buy fastfood for her because she is unabke to do so, because she is supposed to be fasting.

Seriously.

I don't hide my religious 'petulance'.

I drink beer, and I eat and drink outside. I believe it is a bigger insult to the religion if I fast without sincerity and doing it just because everybody else is doing it.

Of course, I don't really have a strong belief in the religion. And I think one of the reasons why I am still single is my inability to stomach my other half converting to the religion just to be with me.

I am all for a civil marriage. And I do want my children to have options. I don't believe anyone has to be born as anything. Just like how we do not fancy being stuffed with things that we don't like, it is also wrong to 'stuff' an ideology up your kids' assess.

One of the first things I posted on FB at the start of Ramadhan is for everyone who wants do it, to do it... because they want to, because it is better for them to not do it, if all they are doing , is to pretend ... thinking pretention is better than not being normal.

Which will never be right...

So.... selamat Hari Raya, and have sincerity in celebrating it. Because if you don't have that, all the prayers in the world won't save you from your impending karma.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

What I've learnt...

:: There will be that one person who will alter your opinions on everyone else. E.g. : Opinions towards men.

:: I was 20 when I realized that my life is as insignificant as chopped liver.

:: I was 30 when I found out that my life is still insignificant...

:: Yoga gives me an avenue to be alone with my thoughts and my body. I don't give a damn about what other people think of me. My Yoga practice, no matter how unimpressive, will always whisk me to that special place I never knew I had.

:: Men who said they are concerned about you but have made it clear that they don't want you to be in their future is bluffing. Their concern are necessary pretence, with sex as an exchange.

:: Women like to be with the above type.

:: Good people almost always never end up with someone they deserve. They would always end up with people who abuses them.

:: When I was 27, I realized that my personal life is something of a mess, and so, I decided to pack up and move to KL. I have been single eversince.

:: When I moved on to managerial position, I realized that I am pretty good at this. Not quite my calling, but I enjoy the ups and downs of the job.

:: I think my calling is really to become a celibate tree hugging Yogi.

:: My disconnect with my family could be because  I was a loner when I was younger and have always been given heavy responsibilities starting from the age of 8. My fear of having a family might be due to the fact that I never had the opportunity to grow up as a kid but rather someone who has to take care of what she did and said.

:: ...That, there is no point in thinking about what happened and what will happen, concentrate on the now, or lose it when you die.

:: Love is over rated. But not when you had two occasions whereby you knew that you were actually in love... even if the other is unrequited. And what love really is, was to let go of it.

:: The human heart is resilient. Mine had been stomped on, roasted, baked, deep fried, chewed and hurled out. Yet, despite my cynical take on life, I still believe in the simplest basics of life, and love.

Monday, July 30, 2012

This is a post without a specific title...

Yeah.

After 10 sun salutations a day followed by a 45 minutes practice every day....

I should be at peace... No?

The truth is, there are just too many things that are racing through my mind now.

This year would be my 5th year spending Raya alone. I dread going back for the holidays because I know people would be asking :

1) Who's The Scotsman?
2) Don't you ever want to get married ever?
3) Bila lagi turn kau???? (When is your turn????)

Fuck.

I would be having my annual long holiday of about 8 (Business) days and to be totally honest, I would prefer spending it next to a pool under the sun in my bikini, with a beer and a good book!

Rather than waking up at 6 am to cook, driving in convoy for the whole day, drinking cordials and stuffing my face with biscuits and cakes all day.

Not to mention the pre-Eid family drama that would happen just because it will.

*Pulls hair*

And then, I am in the middle of a big PBX location shift project and with the whole extension list revamped, I would now have a different set of systems to implement and maintain.

Oh yeah, all this when I have to complete the monthly bonus and also the incentive payout...

And of course, the monthly team award as well.

Oh, and the Reward and Recognition program too.

AAAARGH!

You know what, I am taking off. Heck.. I am on standby almost 24 hours anyway. I deserve an early departure!

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Reluctant Vegetarian

To be honest, I have no problem whatsoever on being vegetarian.

If there are no meat, I have no issues on eating vegies. I grew up eating a lot of them. I don't understand those who have an ongoing enmity with broccolis and spinach.

I am vegie friendly, although I do love meat.

Recently I have contracted a mild form of eczema affecting only my left ear. Yeah! My left ear!! ONLY!

So because of this, I decided to not eat too much of eggs, seafood and poultry. The outcome was almost instantaneous. I itch less, and my eczema condition improved.

And because I don't eat red meat too often, this renders my meat intake to almost zero.

How do I feel about it? I feel strangely, for now, restricted. I feel that I have imposed this needless limitations on myself.

And I have always been pro Anthony Bourdain when it comes to vegetarianism. He does not believe that one should be one unless your religion calls for it. He also said that vegetarians make terrible travellers.

Now I have seen this first hand. When I was in Bali, a couple of backpackers were making the waiter's life hell asking for vegetarian options, when the restaurant is clearly more of a barbecued meat place.

The woman was making a fuss over her grilled vegies which she said "Tastes of beef." and insisted for it to be replaced. The guy was grumbling "Jeez how hard is it to have vegetables here!"

I could only shake my head in disbelief, like COME THE FUCK ON! The whole world does not share your belief.

Isn't it a fact that if you want someone to respect your beliefm you should respect theirs?

Well anyways, the rudeness was totally expected from the two German backpackers.

If you have been around, you would know that they are the worst.

Back to me, the reluctant vegetarian Yoga practicing person (I don't call myself a Yogi unless I can do a decent headstand)... I do believe that being a vegetarian is a choice. Being one should not mean being a pain to everyone else who are not.

That said, Happy Saturday everyone! EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!!!!


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I walk the thin line of being adventurous, a glutton for punishment and laziness...

Other people do stuff that we would usually tell ourselves 'We can do that, we just don't have enough time and do not want to publicize it'.

Seriously, let me tell you guys right now that we are all narcissists.

We love to tell people that we do stuff, what we think, how we think and how we would act. It's the consequences of being humans. Humans are shamelessly... showy.

I flicked through my past posts and found that I was an attention whore. I talked crap and I wrote shit.

It wasn't until the hiatus in 2010 that my posts become, much relaxed... and in a way, less pretentious.

I admit to the fact that I was pretentious. I might even still be pretentious. I don't know.

What I was, and what I am not now would be that I just can't be bothered to care anymore. The attention whore retired.

I consider myself to be considerably adventurous, slightly deranged when it comes to adrenaline packed stuff and the only reason why I love circuit training would be that I LOVE pushing myself over and over and over again.

But I get lazy at times. When my laundry basket is too full, or I can't be bothered to make my bed, then I would know that I am lazy.

That happens every two months or so.

If I am the person I was years ago, I might just take pictures of the things that I do / did and post it on this blog. I gues the other reason why I have not been doing that is simply because I have FB to entertain my endless need to camwhore or be showy.

Now, I do things not to tell people that I did it and I am showing it, I do things because I want to do. I am going to lay off advertising these things to people in my blog.

But then again, with readership of less than 20 in a week, who the hell cares anyway.

Have a great Thursday everyone!

*Listening to Major Minor by Coldplay, on repeat.*

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

PBX, VDN, IVR, WTF???

So. I am right now in the middle of a conference call.

We are discussing VDNs and PBX routing for a transition to another location and our transition to Verint system within the next 3 months or so.

To my surprise, our onshore counterparts are not using the latest VOIPs required to accommodate the system.

Maybe it is just an Asian mindset to think that our system might be lagging behind in terms of technology.

On another note, who would have known that a few years down the road from 2008, I would have been familiar with all these telecoms acronyms and terminologies.

We are dropping it like it's hot on all kinds of acronyms possible, other people would think we are people from another planet.

Call's over, changing mode to payroll trainer now. Toodles!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Perception

There are some people out there who think that you won't live your life, unless you do the following :

1) Marry someone
2) Have a kid
3) Be a grandparent

I have people who don't like me, telling people in a sarcastic tone that one should not be single and live with cats. One must get married and have kids, not cats.

Seriously, I guess one will be living their life if :

a) They have kids and will have to scrimp on stuff because they have kids.
b) They ended up having a divorce after 10-15 years.
c) They have dumb ass kids because they inherited their dumb ass genes.

SO I have 5 cats. I love all of them dearly.

I have always been a loner since I was a kid. Being the eldest, a lot of things were put on my shoulders.

So much so, that I didn't want another person to go through what I have.

It taught me character, which was fair enough. But I don't want anyone else to go through that.

I am in my 30s and I have only had 1 serious relationship. I am with The Scotsman in an open relationship, but is struggling to decide whether I want more or not. It doesn't matter because he can't and would not give me what I want should I want it anyway.

I will just live the remainings of my life and let my stubbornness and my opinions die with me. 

Not that it is a bad thing.
---

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Txt

I am a prolifically bad texter.

To be more specific, I am really bad in texting abbreviation.

I just can't text abbreviations.

Apparently you don't have to have a sense of grammar when you text. The Scotsman is older than me, but he texts like a teenager. It's weird because when he speaks and writes, it is all good. He said texting bad grammar is great. It's like you don't have a care in the world.

"So how do you text your clients?"

"Hon, I don't text my clients. Unprofessional."

I tried, once in a while, to text, badly. The thing is, when you have a qwerty phone, it is really hard to be grammatically incompetent. Plus, I use the phone to also email my bosses when I am not in the office. My phone is my mobile office!

So my excuse for not texting badly? It's unprofessional and not so smart when you are using a smartphone.




Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Yoga - ta attempt this...



To know if you are going anywhere with your practice...

I am, to be honest... still not able to do this properly.

My form still needs work and I still do not want to be photographed attempting the stance.

But I am getting there.

Ugh... Wednesday... Hating it.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Inner Peace Pt. 2


I am looking for another way to achieve inner peace.

Found out that my type of inner peace comes in a form of a bag, a pair of shoes and clothes.

I am good with those things but I was told that 'inner peace' is more than Coach bags and Zara sale.

But... is it really?

The last time I felt totally in peace with myself was during my Penang vacation.


It was fun and I had a new found respect for 'vacations'. I have never thought that I can actually get away from work for more than 12 hours and be totally ok with it. 

Also the fact that I have never felt more liberated, prancing in bikinis on the beach with no care in the world. 

And the sea helped as well, although I was waddling more than I was swimming.

But THAT was inner peace.

Let's now find other possible inner peace... and let's help her! :)

Happy Monday everyone.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Blog Rockstar

Now... I am no Perez Hilton. I am bad at gossips and frankly speaking, I don't really give a damn.

I was just thinking that my blog would be much more interesting if I had a different profession...

Say... a bikini waxer.

I can actually start my daily entry with something along the lines of :

"... Today I waxed a woman who is slightly pudgy and smells like roses."

Hmm....

"... who really doesn't really have a lot to wax off, to be honest. The woman is into yoga and has NO boobs..."

Umm... Yeah...

So... instead of blogging about people drama and management dead ends, I can bitch about people's hair and pain tolerance, in-grown hair... and the likes...

Maybe... not.

but hey, that's something to think about.


Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Contentment

People would usually ask me why did I not get an I-Pad instead of a Samsung.

I have never really been much of a Apple fan. The only thing that I like about it would be the design.

But the function, not so much.

I believe in function first before brand. :-) (and of course the price).

And if I can get the same function with a lesser ridiculous price...

Why the hell not then?

I am simple person in the end. I am content with what I have right now, something that is not extended to my many bags and shoes, but with everything else, I am very much contented.

So far I have no complain with my samsung 8.9 tab. I get all the function of a tablet, at a fraction of a price. So why the fuck not?

I would like to take this opportunity to wish all friends who are Americans, a great 4th of July celebration.

God Bless.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, June 29, 2012

Friday note

In a way, I am positive.

About things.

For one, I am positive that if I am not meeting anyone in this lifetime, then something else will definitely happen to me. Something else will be a substitute to that search of a lifetime for a soulmate (Although I personally do not believe in that concept).

There will be something else.

Besides, I am not conventional enough for the whole husband, baby and married life concept.

But people say never say never because you might just to stick your mouth up your ass if that really does happen.

On another note, congratulations to Celeblogger Ninie Ahmad! She is now pregnant with her first child and I wish her nothing but all the world's happiness.

;)

--

I bruise like a peach in my adulthood.

When I was a kid, I love playing in the sand, catching tadpoles in the then very clean drains (Parit) near my grandparent's house, climbing trees and 'drifting' on my red BMX.

I did not bruise like a frikkin' peach back then (Duh).

So it is strange when I can't as much as scratch myself now because if I do, I will be having 'hickies' that never happened on my neck.
(Just for the record, I don't understand hickies and why is it enjoyable???)

So I bumped my index finger at the side of a very heavy door last weekend.

The bruise is still there and it's still painful.

I bruise like a peach and it takes twice as long for anything to heal for me now. See all of this is really new to me because I am someone who does not really think of myself as someone who is subjected to all of this.

I am pretty healthy for someone who is going to be in her mid 30's. I am healthier than some of my staff who are in their 20's right now, that's for sure, despite the abnormal sleeping pattern and caffeine intake.

The last time I went to the doctor, I was told that I just need to rest, there's nothing wrong with me but a bit of flu.

I was also diagnosed with a minor case of eczema, which strangely affected only my left ear.

The Scotsman always offered to apply cream on it although I am terrified when he even tried to check it out.

Actually, I am terrified when anyone tried to touch my ear.

A staff asked me for a quick remedy to diarrhea and all I can say was :

"Oh... I don't know, never had one before."

Which made me think that, boy... I am weirdly healthy.

However, I think, it is all in my head, really. If you have a healthy outlook on life (Granted that my self loathing persona is not really that.... healthy), your body will follow what your mind says.

Mind over matter logic. The brain is an extraordinary organ. It can make you feel or think things that you really are not... personifying. Get?

Anyway... Happy weekends everyone. I am going to kick back with a Neil Gaiman book, sipping iced cappuccino at my favorite cafe and check out white men with Asian chicks with very badly dyed blonde highlights. Probably chilling with The Scotsman by the pool after.

Hope your weekend is going to be as spankingly relaxed as mine would be!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Appreciation dinner and all the other things that's...

... in my head now.

First of all, there was the appreciation dinner last Saturday. I know.. late.. Doh.

The theme was 'Around The World'.

So... I was totally FML-ed when the only table my team was able to get was named after this country :

Reaction to it... not very positive.

I have a sneaky feeling that it was the reason why only one of us got lucky (as in lucky draw) that night. Damn IT.

Kiasu-ism... fail.

I am a Johorean, so my enmity is related to the fact that we are just genetically inclined to not ... prefer that island.

It was a night I was supposed to introduce Scotsman to my ex and current bosses. However, because I was yawning and one of the peeps had a curfew until 2 (Don't ask), I decided to cancel it.

They wanted to go to a pub in PJ, so I just couldn't be assed to drive back and forth.

In case you are wondering, although I am putting up a barrier with The Scotsman, we can't deny that we only had each other for the past few years personal life wise (YES YES.... I also have you guys --- my besties... Drama...). Him being away from home, and me enjoying mature + fun company.

Anyway, earlier today, I took a trivia from this book :


... and gave it to my team promising to reward the first person who came forth with the right answer, a tub of Baskin Robbins, which was later changed to Vieniatta (or whatever) because the guy said he has never had Baskin Robbins before.

Who said I am a dull manager? I do fun things.... :D

Monday, June 25, 2012

Fire head

I do have a temper.

I know what you are thinking. I am into Yoga right, I 'can't' have a temper. That's....

.... counter productive.

Haha Yeah FML.

I don't lash out. That's not cool. --> Ahaha.. yeah.

I start to attack, with sarcasm. I can be so blunt that I can make people cry.

That's one of the reasons I hate talking to call center representatives. They would usually get me riled up to a point of no return.

I try to not use the F word on phone calls, but Malaysian customer service seemed to call for it to have something done.

I prefer to hang up when things get a bit too dumb and frustrating. I don't want to subject the unknowing and in need of more training Malaysian representative to my sarcasm.

I am maybe... 2 levels away from being the caller from hell.

It is ironic that I manage a call center. And I try my best to maintain the level of professionalism and knowledge in the center by always making sure that my reps know what to say and how to say it.

I do acknowledge that there are things that can't be avoided in terms of process. The thing about the call center I run is, because it is tagged after one of the fortune 500 companies, the service has to live up to that expectation.

This is also because we run a global operation and that we are going head to head with our onshore counterparts, we can't get lazy and be Malaysian.

You do realize that when you take away the 'Y' in MalaYsian, it becomes - Malas-ians.

'Malas' in Malay, means lazy.

It is typical and we have accepted the fact that Malaysian customer service are :

1) Unprofessional

2) Lacklustre

3) Robotic

4) Lacking in common analytical skills

I run the call center and so is very involved in terms of info and knowledge dissemination and also quality maintenance.

It is not easy, but somebody has to do it.

Aside from serving Malaysians, we serve the whole world.

So how do I do it? How do I contain my temper/sarcasm?

I would usually see things as it is, it usually works from that perspective you know.

I have more to say, but I think it's time for me to fix my circadian rhythm, and  I am starting by....

Going off for the day.

Daaaaaa!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Judgmental

One of the reasons The Scotsman and I get along so well together is because both of us have strong views.

Strong views, both of us can make jokes out of and it's okay. We are both nationalists and both of us acknowledges that everyone is judgmental in their own little way, more so when they are actually saying they are not.

In Yoga, good thoughts harness great practice. Somehow I feel as if all this crap about not judging is just that. Crap.

We can't say that we don't judge, because the moment we say that we don't, it means we do because we are judging ourselves, and hence... judgmental.

So I can't, for the life of me, think good thoughts about people who tried so hard to not be something, but it is easy for them, to me, to be the thing that they say they aren't.

So I am judgmental, I am someone who believes in kindness that doesn't scream pretentious. Being honest to yourself is a kindness. Recognize that you are no messenger of God to be perfectly non-judgmental.

We are human...

And as a human... I think one of the best joy in life, is briyani.... and I can't help but to do this when I found a star anise, with a stem in my briyani rice.

Happy Monday!!!




Friday, June 22, 2012

Feeling

For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to go back to my pre-Scotsman days.

Of being on my own and not looking forward to anything but a cup of coffee.

I realized, from my of stream thoughts, that this has to stop.

You know how you always have that small gut feeling that tells you that all the things you were suspecting to be true, was true. That little feeling at the back of your throat, that makes you want to throw up.

Yeah... 'that'.

That we are only in a 'thing' because it's convenient. A one sided open relationship.

That one sided thing always happens to me, obviously. He made it clear that he is over the hill.

I made it clear that I just don't care.

I just want to love someone, whether that person loves me back, is not an issue. I can give myself love. I have money, and if noone can give me what I want, I will buy what I want.

My shoes always fit, my clothes always make me feel good, and coffee always managed to make my day.

Picking up the pieces again. And shutting down myself to others. I have a feeling, I won't come out of it for a very long time.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Still on Yoga....

I dreamt that I was able to do this... in perfect form!

Pic Courtesy of  lovelifepeace.com

Yes... I sometimes dream of Yoga.

Chaturanga, that's another one that I have not quite nailed yet.

After 5 years? Well.. after an on and off practice of 5 years, yes, I have not been able to do these poses yet.

I have huge thunder thighs, and stubborn limbs, which are only good for back bends but I am crap at all the others.

So earlier I received this from a friend :


Yoga is all about natural emulation.



See what I mean?

It's little things like these that makes my day nowadays. We can't live life if we are not able to appreciate the small stuff.

Live LIFE!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Yoga....shots?

Now... there's a reason why I don't take pictures of me doing the chakra pose and post it in social networks or here....

I am no Ninie Ahmad. I love yoga but I do know that I pretty much still suck at it.

I still stumble at headstands... although.. my shoulder stand is pretty standard... not perfect, but hey... it looks like a shoulder stand.

And my forward folds... ooh... only behind closed doors.

My lotus, well ... it's more of a lily pad now.

Still have extra flabs to elimknate. Still want to be in peace my self. Still learning to love self and not criticize self too much.

Still learning how to live without being told how.

Maybe one day I will post my yoga moves here... when that day comes... I might be 50% in peace with myself.

Ommm... and moving on dudes.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, June 8, 2012

The little things in life...

Matters.

I used to be... impatient. I wanted to get somewhere and it's always in a hurry.

Now that I am in a comfortable position, I found out that it's the little things in life that I look forward to.

Like my daily coffee dose, my quiet time with my MP3, my conversation with my cats, my weekend meeting with The Partner, and my time on my (yoga) mat.

I don't live for the future, I try to not dwell on the past, and just strive to live in the present.

Come what may... even the littlest ones. I learn to breathe more.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Do you want baby?

In all seriousness, having a kid had never been in my agenda.

I am 33, again in all seriousness.

I love playing with my cousins' kids. I adore my nephew, I love fooling around with my best friend's kid too.

But do I want to have kids?

I.... don't know.

Maybe as a woman, I might want to. But as a person, I have my reservations.

I have seen how people change just by being in a relationship. Now... having a kid... is... I guess...

Life changing would be an understatement... no?

I still don't know why people want to have children. You 'grow' them... and then what?

The motive of having kids are different, I got to know.

Westerners have kids because... they just do. Asians breed because they want the kids to live in guilt and never ending gratitude that they were bred. Africans reproduce because... well they can't get condoms.

So... you changed for the sake of a change in your marital status and you changed some more when you have kids... so what happen to 'you' then?

Crude much?

posted from Bloggeroid

1st world issues

1) when you try to tap / swipe on a normal screened cell phone.
2) when you tap on a notebook's screen.
3) when the prospect of not having wifi sends chills down your spine.
4) when you think your partner does not love you because they don't install an adroid app you are using
5) when you lie awake all night thinking if you did shut down your laptop properly in the office.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A lighter, gushing entry...

On...

Instagram.

I am obsessed!

Although I do believe that photograpy is not something you should be 'shortcut-ting' on, It is hard to ignore the fact that the android app is just sooo ...

Addictive!

I know that photography is a passion that should not be aided by any application. But in the end, I swallowed my painful smart assness and surrendered to this!

Sure, there are tricks in the DSLR book to teach you on how to achieve this look using the rules of exposures and shutter speeds and stuff.

I did this in less than 2 minutes. And I like it!

Well anyway... I was told that my last entry was sort of ... morbid. So I decided to pen a lighter, more candid entry on the simple things in life.

Like android applications... and the joy it brings.

Cheers! It's a midweek people!

Thoughts on a hot day

Something occurred to me while I was driving.

That... life is short... very short (and believe me the android keypad misspelt the word short to 'shit'...)

*pause to digest self error*

So... what have you done really in this very... short life span.

I have successfully lived my life... making a fool of myself 75% of the time. Learned from pure trials and errors, and realized that any different decision making would have meant that my life would have been totally different.

Or that I might even be dead.

What was it that pushes us forward, even in the darkest place in our life... what made us stop and ... I guess recalibrate our steps?

I can only say 1 thing...

It's fear.

We have a fear of dying. Not just the whole dramatic act of dying... or the pain that preceeds it, it's just the fear that we will no longer be a part of the living.

The possibility of us entering the after life, of submitting ourselves to the whole probability of hell... or heaven.... or reincarnation (if you believe that kind of thing.)

Or even of becoming a speck.

It's the fear of not able to be a part of anyone else's lives.

That's what pushes us to LIVE.

And of course you can say love... but then again... the L word is just too overrated.

This is just of course... ladies and gents... a useless trail of thoughts on a hot day.

I am only but a fool... who tries incessantly to make a difference.

So... life is short... it's fueled by fear.... and we should shove fear up our asses and just .... live.... the best we know how.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Wonders

No... I am not about to blog about the wonders of the world.

I am now maybe half pissed from the three beers I had been consuming, happily of course (totally aware of the repercussion of such action) thinking that life is pretty much half lived as if this moment.

Insta-fucking-gram is not working.

Yeah.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Meditation... and why I am crap at it

The last time I tried meditation, was maybe last year.

I was trying out a Kundalini Yoga class and to explore our 'spiritual side', meditation was one of the agendas of the class.

I am one of those who cannot sit still. I am in constant need of doing something. Anything... just... something.

I get frustrated when I have to go for my facial. I will only go for facials when I am really... tired. That's the only way I could actually stand 60 minutes of NOT MOVING.

I am not trying to put meditation on the same plane as getting a facial. I am sure on a spiritual side, getting a facial holds less significance then meditation.

Anyway, back to my last meditation 'session'.

We were asked to 'shut our worldly desires and focus on our inner peace'.

What went on in my head, and still does to this day was (is) that :

' Why should we shut our worldly desires to find inner peace?'

I mean, who is to say that we are not able to achieve inner peace by responding to our worldly desires?

And what exactly are worldly desires?

Sex, I guess is one of them, but I thought, there is this Tantric sex terminology. It is believed that sex, however unorthodox it could be, leads to the final revelation of nirvana.

Unless of course I got that wrong.

But, in all essence, sex is basically, still a worldly desire, is it not?

The other thing that went through my head was why is it that we have to pull ourselves from the world, to achieve inner peace? Does this mean that we can't achieve peace unless we are out of this world?

So... there I was, in my imperfect lotus position, trying to meditate, trying to focus on my 'inner peace', and found out that the only thing I achieved during that session was a heightened sense of sound and smell (can't say sight because we have to close our eyes to find our inner peace.). I am suddenly aware of every sound, every movement around me.

I am pretty sure someone snored but I can't open my eyes to risk losing that 'inner peace'.

I am still not sure if the heightened senses were me getting closer to having 'inner peace' (You can say this with a degree of contempt and sarcasm, I would understand if you do.) but I was sure as hell that I will never meditate ever.

I take the corpse position at the end of every yoga class as an avenue for me to rest my body after all that twisting and bending. I still feel... awkward listening to the Yoga instructor telling us to 'let go......' But still, it's better than to shut my worldly desires to find inner peace. At least, the Yoga teacher I had only asked us to recognize our potential.

I mean, I respect people who believes in meditation. One of my friends said that she saw an astral projection of herself during one of her meditation sessions, which I thought, was totally cool!

I wish I can do that.

But I can't, and I am strangely ok with not being able to. I am perfectly happy with focusing my physical energy to find just peace.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

That's a downer...

I don't know how is it that me and my best friends can do this.

I only have two best friends so far, and we share the same opinion and ethics on work.

Our whole entire livelihood depends on our job. The only reason why we are able to do all these things that we are doing in life is because we have a job. The only reason why we are at this particular point in life, is because we have a job to depend on.

A job we enjoy doing.

Well, sometimes, my job is not that enjoyable. Sometimes it's a chore.

Managerial is hugely misunderstood by most people.

A good manager do not order people around without knowing the essence of the 'order'. As a matter of fact, it's the total opposite.

A manager should know, on a high level, what the order is all about, how should it be delivered, how to track it and how to assess it.

It's not difficult to manage a team of agents (individual agendas, aside), but to manage a team that consists of Leads and analysts, that's something else.

Personally for me, Work must NEVER mix with your personal life. Whatever personal shit that happens in your life must be pushed aside when you are at work. I guess I am lucky that I have a degree of flexibility and options to work from home, when I don't feel like coming to work.

Yes, sometimes I mull over the fact that I am single, the one person I like is going to leave soon and all that crap. On these days, I function better at home. I function better working via emails and messaging.

I foresee that to happen a lot over the next couple of months.

But, I guess, I put it down on my personal work ethics, and possibly my ego.

I cannot, will not, NEVER compromise my work with my personal fuck ups.

Shit happens, leave it behind, and move the fuck on.

And as a rule of thumb... attrition will happen in operations. There is no such thing as 0 attrition, ever. Operations or not.

So, here I am, crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Peace.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Me myself and I

I am somewhat disappointed with myself.

Before this, I swore to myself that I will never allow myself to be vulnerable, again.

Never again.

I find I get extremely upset when I am. I thought during my long 2 years single streak that I am over all this vulnerable bullcrap but NO...

Of course not.

OF COURSE God has more in store for me.

Like throwing me a man who wouldn't want to be committed to me.

A man who is the kind of person I would like to be with.

Someone I would love to be with, to live my life with.

And it's not about the money, cause we have none but enough.

It's not about the sex either, I guess both of us are over that.

It's about the companionship.

And it's about the care that the both of us show, at the same time, trying to refrain ourselves from showing to much of...

All I actually hoped from all this is that I'd mean something to him, and I can die a happy woman just knowing I mean something to someone who means a lot to me.

Get what I mean?

Or maybe not.

Why I am single

People seemed to have their own perception as to why I am single.

1) High Standards.
2) The need for me to correct everyone and everything
3) High Standards
4) Inability to commit
5) High Standards

Do I have high standards?

At 33, I don't know if I do have standards at all!

The only person I can see myself with, if I can ever have anyone like him come my way again would be The Scotsman.

I need someone I can actually talk to, who enjoys life, who is willing to share his life and who would listen and take me seriously as a person.

Unfortunately, The Scotsman and me is a no go. I guess, we are just born in different eras, wrong timing.

I am insignificant to him, and although I might even be in love with him, I am contented just knowing I am still able to love.

And no, The Scotsman didn't think I have the need to correct everyone and everything. He appreciated me for everything that I am, as am I with him.

So, I cried like a pathetic fuck yesterday, and today and probably will cry in the next few months, just thinking about this, and him.

But I am happy to at least have had the pleasure to be with him, in this short life span.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Power to 'some' of the people and of the justification of money takers in denial

I have openly admitted that I am apolitical.

Malaysian politics frustrates me. I know the moment I start talking about politics, I will keep on going on about how DUMB it is.

As for Bersih, I am not fond of it. And so... I don't care.

As one of the silent majority, we think it is stupid, a waste of time and a waste of intellect.

One of the things that they tried to bring up through this rally (Yeah... aside from a 'clean' election) were the abolishment of education loans.

To quote what my sister said about this whole schmuck, too many people have used the loans, too many people got the opportunity to study in universities, and so... too many smart asses were brought into the fabric of Malaysians' society.

These smart asses decided to call for the abolishment of the education loan because they can't get jobs that pay them enough as fresh graduates.

Let's do the math shall we. You graduated, got paid, and the agreement said pay about RM 119 - 250 a month.

Standard fresh graduate wages can go up to RM 1600 - 2300, depending on the company.

Why is it so difficult to cough up an unsubstantial amount from your pay to settle the money you had so joyfully signed a contract for?

Just because you are a graduate (who can't even be bothered to learn how to speak English properly), you are expecting a 3k pay package to cover a less than rm 500 loan payment?

Seriously? Like... seriously?

My sister and I agreed that these whacks are dumb asses who for any random reason, forgot how they would beg and cry for the loan to be approved, to be given the chance to study, to go into university, to be intellects... etc.

Shame, now all they have become are hooligans, street thugs.

Let this be a lesson to PTPTN to be more selective when it comes to approving future loans.

Although I am still paying off my loan, I don't wish for it to be waived. It's principal. Nobody else made me take the frikkin' money, I did, so I am going to pay for it.

It's that rare thing most young Malaysians seemed to have forgotten...

It's called---Responsibility.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Frugal Report #3

Here goes :

Fuel : RM 30

Beverages : RM 52

Food : RM 40 (lunch at Ben's); RM 60 (Antipodean coffees and cakes);

Water bills : RM 32 (for three months)

Parking fees : RM 25 (For all venues)

Total : RM 179

Hmm ... At least I have completely stopped buying all manners of trinkets and stuff for my wardrobe. No?

--

So The Scotsman, being told that I am going to be frugal for the next few months are going to make sure that I stay away from shops and boutiques in Pavilion.

Or whenever we go out.

Which is a pain because I love window shopping in Pavilion.

We have resolved that we will only spend for vacations (very rare ones) that we would usually have once every two months or so.

And I will try to (Nay.. do?) to make sure that by the end of this year, I am able to to roll my expenses with wise credit help that my plastic should provide.

So for now, the only swiping I do will be the snot off my kitten's face (should there be any...)



Friday, April 13, 2012

Frugal Report #2

1 week expenses :

Petrol : RM 40

Food : RM 55

Coffee : Haven't had coffee this week. :(

'Beverage' : RM 55

Others : Groceries, Parking charges etc : RM 30+8+4 : 42

Total : RM 202 (mind calculation)

It is mind boggling thinking that I spent almost 1K for a month on small expenses.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Frugal attempt report #1

Over the weekend, I spent about RM 250 - ish.

Yes... remember what I said about frugality? I am obviously not someone who can live under its' rule.

So, this was what I spent the RM 250-ish on ...

Saturday

RM 20.08 - 4 Cappuccinos
RM 58 - 2 pairs of Jelly Ballerina flats ie shoes
RM 70 - Petrol, full tank RON 97
RM 36 - Petrol, halfway marker at Machap, Shell Racing fuel (Because, I am a speed demon)
RM 41.50 - Toll at Senai, JB

Total  : RM 225.58

Sunday

RM 19.50 (ish) - Lunch with Mum and Sister
RM 98 - Hand tote for Mum (Credit card)
RM 40 - Petrol, Shell Racing Fuel
RM 45 (Ish) - Toll, Kota Damansara exit.

Total : RM 202.50

Okay.. so I miscalculated. I spent :
RM 428.08

Now normally, I would not be thinking too much about this. Afterall, my trip back to JB would usually be more than this. But since I am trying to save, it concerns me a bit why was it that I have never thought of how much this really is.

However, I should pat myself on the back because aside from the 2 pairs of flats and the handbag (For Mum), I have successfully refrained myself from buying any other stuff to clog my closet with.

Owh... and I forgot 1 itsy bitsy thing :

RM 15 : Dinner at Nirwana's. (Banana leaf rice, 1 chicken and 1 Iced tea)

So that makes the total : RM 443.08 (If I mind calculated that properly).

And yes, I now have about RM 100 in my purse for the whole week.

Wish me luck!

And oh yeah, I do not feel any pain spending the moollah to see this little munchkin :


Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I look you in the eye... oh frugality

Ok...

I think I have established before this that 'frugality' is definitely NOT one of my personal strengths.

Perhaps I should tell you guys that I am a real terror when it comes to 'overspending'.

Sure I will always have money but... really.. on a serious note... I should control what I spend my money on.

I am constantly reminded of my lack of self control every time I look at my clothes...

Sometimes I would dig through my 'collection', holding up a top that I never knew I had. I once found out (Nay... discovered...) that I bought a top from Gap, that was still in the Gap paper bag, hanging on my room's door knob, three weeks after I purchased it.

And the shoes... yes the shoes... Joyce, my housemate thinks that I would need more than 2 ten tier shoe rack to store all of my shoes, now, she meant to say... without the prospect of any other shoes coming in any time soon.

So yes... I am a prolific spender, although I am not as worst as the 'shopaholic' (The movie I only bothered to watch once, because I so HATE Sophie Kinsella's books. Sure not everyone can write, but I just can't swallow... chick lit)

So this is what I am going to do to have some sense of financial control. I am going to test myself by doing this for 3 months and see if it's going to take me somewhere preferably away from this situation of 'knowing but ignoring' the seriousness of the situation.

I am not going to spend on clothes and shoes and bags for myself.

Yes...

I am not going to go around malls, and two same tops in different color.

Talk is cheap... you say...

Yeah.. this is what I am going to do.

I am going to write here on my progress... like every day... every cent I save... every cent I spent on... what I think of buying and if I surrender to the temptation of having money and not spend it.

Also, it is my resolution to pay off some of my loans so that I can be debt free.. at least 50% debt free.

Wish me luck!

Ugh

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The not so interesting life of moi

I find people's observation interesting.

Mainly because they thought my life is uber cool and interesting. Some of them even thought that my life is allll about non stop parties and dating one guy after another.

The truth is, my life is rather plain and... uninteresting.

Of course they would beg to differ. They think that just because I have a set of beliefs that is not relatable to religion, the fact that I believe in God more than I believe in the man made notion of religion, my life MUST be interesting.

After all... I am a rebel, no?

I work almost 24 hours every day (which sounds rather ... sad) and I am never apologetic about it. I spend my money on Yoga magazines, books and stuff (shoes, bags, dresses, tops, bottoms, Antipodean coffee... you know, s t u f f) and I have two adult cats, 4 kittens and eat boring healthy food.

I am into low fat yoghurt veg curries, quinoa and wholemeal breads.

Mayo makes me puke and too much meat makes me an instant grouch.

The only thing that I guess I am making waves with is the fact that I love bikinis, the sun, the beach and I am dating (until further notice) a Scottish guy who will not buy me anything in fear of insulting me.

I am actually proud to announce that I have a boring life... at least I am on top of my game and is still able to rock life the way God intended.

Rock life people!

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Thinking Thursday

I have to admit that I don't have a specific topic in mind when I was typing this.

I just felt like writing an entry.

I just felt like thanking God for my blessed life.

And hoping that I will be given more strength to live my life, to try to turn lemon to apple cider.

Sounds impossible but hey, someone has to try.

Happy Thursday everyone. One more day before Friday.

We should be ... jubilant.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I should feel grateful and thankful...

... That my challenges are not like the ones I have read or was informed on.

I am thankful that the only things I am griping about are things like how I can't practice Yoga for two weeks because of a swollen ligament and my snatched Iconia tablet.

Yes... last week was bad. But it's not the worst thing I have experienced.

As a matter of fact, apart from a harrowing personal shit that I have gotten myself into many many years ago, this snatch case might be the worst since then.

So I shall forget the minor stuff, like coming back to an empty apartment, broken hearts and disappointments.

The truth is, I have been blessed, so far, and I will continue to take care of my karma from now onwards.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

2 androids, 1 month

In 1 month, I bought 2 android tablets. Yes you heard that right.

The first one I bought was an Acer Iconia. It was snatched at Bangsar one night, while I was using it... in public.

It happened so swiftly, that even the public was not able to help me out because they were also beside themselves that something like that was happening ... like there... like at that public place.

I was shocked, but I was accepting of it. I felt stupid, dumb... but I can't be in denial that it happened.

I am now the owner of a Samsung Galaxy tab, I have crossed over to the dark side... yes I have.

Although, it is lighter than my iconia, I miss it. It is my first tablet.

Oh well... shit happens... we can only move on and stop thinking about it.

I have done my due diligence in reporting and making sure that the management of the complex are aware of such bad bad people doing those bad, bad things.

That said, ladies who cherish your independence and love your alone time. Take care when you are out and is using hour android gadge in public. You can never be too careful.

posted from Bloggeroid