Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. ~ Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961)

I stumbled upon the quotation somewhere in a book.

I also remembered someone saying that people can be alone, even when they are surrounded by other people, talking to them, reacting to them.

There is always that 1-2 seconds of loneliness, if you are quick enough to notice, to catch.

I like to be on my own. My 'Me Time' is important. It's that space I zoned out to and it's the only time in the week where I would be able to sit, sip coffee, finish my book and enjoy.

However, I would love to have another person to be with, other than my 'Me Day'. Another person I can be at ease with, who thinks the same like I would of them.

Life had been weird eversince then. I was put off from flirting and dating. I find it extremely tiresome. The only good thing that came out of it was my yoga practice. I held on to it and started to go at it, daily. 6 days a week of 1 - 1 and half hours of namaskars and breathing helped.

I became withdrawn and even subdued at times.

I made friends from online dating sites. Something about me, put them off. It may have been the vibe I give out when I do meet these people. I was hesitant and reluctant. I still am.

When Aussie came into the picture, I was still that person. My walls are still up, and he knows that. When he came up to me about his India yoga retreat plan for a year, I encouraged him to go. I guess deep inside, I wished, I can do the same, to get away from everything.

We keep that window open. If the day comes, then we will get on that wagon, and we both can try. If not, all is well, and none will be lost.

At least, from a 'glass half full' perspective, I still have that chance to find that something great, worth dying for.


With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Yes.. I do have a fucking trucker's mouth... Do you mind?

During my recent Handstand (Ardha Mukho Vrksasana) practice, as usual, I thud down on my mat very gracelessly.

Under my breath, I said... *Fuck*.

Guruji was smiling as he passed by.

I know that he heard that.

When I first uttered the vulgar word in yoga, I felt a sense of shame. Guilt.. if you can call it that.

I am trying to live my life by the yoga principles of the 8 limbs.

Yes, the word being... 'Trying'.

And so, after some time, and a lot of meditation, I concluded that if I stop swearing, I would lose a part of me. The part that made me, the me I am in love with.

So far, I have met two paradox definition of how a yogi is supposed to be.

My 2nd Guruji used the word fuck in almost all of his sentences. Aussie was so glad that I can construct a full sentence using the F word, that he hugged me.

Aussie was just glad that I am not trying to be holy, divine. Yogic-ally speaking.

Besides, there is just something about the F word that is not quite explainable. It's the delight of being able to say that word without a single worry.

It's absofuckinglutely enlightening to be able to swear like a sailor.

So, please do not expect me, or if you have any friends who practices yoga, to be talking to you like we are the epitome of a Goddess in Lululemon yoga pants. Some of us are edgier than you expect.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

Monday, June 10, 2013

On Paranoia and Priority

Recently, I received a comment from an unknown reader who asked me 'stuff' about my lifestyle.

I requested for the reader to email me as the questions were a bit too personal for me to address on the blog.

My best friend then asked me how did I answer the email.

I said, vaguely.

He reminded me to be careful. It might be the moral police, searching for people who refused to be a part of the flock. People like me.

Or it may be people like the blogger whose one objective in life, once upon a time ago, was to talk bad about other bloggers who never actually gave a damn about him/her, but was so affected that they had to shut down their blog, just because some A- hole thinks it's their God Given Duty to become a virtual douche bag.

It's all good. I am aware of the illusion of 'freedom of speech' on the world wide web.

It would be inaccurate for us to assume that we have more freedom of speech elsewhere.

Again, freedom itself is a subtle illusion.

Even the state of anarchy itself is not exactly... freedom.

Well, I hope that the reader I advised was genuine. In all earnestness, in this age of paranoia, there are things that you will have to do to retain your sense of self.

In this case, I will have to walk the talk, to stay true to my own principles in life. Because without these, I am better off dead.

---

One time ago, I got to know this guy from the internet.

I did write about online dating, so this was one of those online 'dating recipients' that I came across.

Let me reiterate that not all people who chose online dating, is desperate. They might just want to have some virtual fun, to throw caution to the wind and just... see what can happen from there.

I don't really do it that often nowadays but let me get back to this one guy I corresponded with but is unlikely ever going to physically meet.

He is an Australian, who was here to expand his business from Indonesia to KL.

Out of boredom, I told him that if he wants to meet up for coffee, I will be available for a period of time.

He never replied and so I assumed that he was busy, which he did reply 2-3 hours after saying that he was knackered.

The next day, he messaged me with  a single hi. I said hi back. I received no response for over 4 hours.

I casually messaged him saying that, he didn't have to maintain contact to be polite, that it is ok for him to just drop me off.

And then he started messaging me, suggesting that we meet for coffee. It was a Sunday, which is my 'rice day' with my best friend, which I never will reschedule. Not for someone I don't even know.

And then, he accused me of not being straight, of being the one who makes excuses.

I decided, there and then, I don't have time for this shit. And cut him off.

As you know, I am kind of on a long distance thing with Aussie, who decided to pursue his yoga lessons in India for a year. We decided to let go of commitment to each other, but is still in contact with each other nevertheless, bearing in mind that if we are still in contact a year from now, then maybe, we can take it to the next level.

Aussie respects my schedule and my routine. It helps that we kind of share the same routine. In a way, yoga helps us both to have that sense of balance.

And respect.

If this 'thing' goes to the next level, I will be happy. However, I am already happy to be given an opportunity to meet him in this life time.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu




Friday, June 7, 2013

Satanic Posession

Being a Malay who does Yoga, I have had all kinds of comments and backlash about my Yoga practice.

The only thing that spared me from a whole lot of bullshit, is the fact that I don't really look like a Malay. For one, I am not really a Malay, technically. My mixed heritage kind of shielded me from all the unnecessary hassle.

I am very open with my practice. My family, including my extended family know that I am Yoga-centric. I wear my Mala beads even when I visit my grandparents and they have been pretty open with my beliefs, as far as yoga is concerned.

I focused on yoga more when Tom died late last year. I held on to my practice and was glad that I can shift my mind off the death by being on the mat.

Yoga was a channel for me to communicate with myself, to be in peace. It helped me a LOT. I got back a part of what I have lost through yoga.

So imagine my annoyance when I was informed by a mutual friend of this :


So what now... I am a satan possessed person in my chakrasana just because I am practicing compassion and patience on my mat???

And do you know what I say to that? I won't show the finger, I won't say the F word.

But I will say this to everyone who thinks like him :


You can bend and kiss your own non-yogi arse.

PS : Yoga in skinny jeans... The hardest thing aside from any arm balances.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Monday, June 3, 2013

O my new generation...

Am I alone in thinking that the new generation is... not that that intelligent?

It's ironic to think that the more advanced we get, the more backwards we are getting. 

I have a wonderful nephew and niece.  

The thing that gets me down every time I look at them is how sad their whole early education is going to get. How screwed up their life perspective is going to be what with the education and the influence they are getting from the family. 

I am not like all the other people in the family. I don't share the same beliefs and my opinions on stuff, especially religion and culture is different. 

My friends are a bit disappointed with my decision on not having kids. They were pretty eager to find out how my kids would turn out like. 

I am sure my kids would have been awesome, because the first thing I want them to have would be the things that I was not able to get. The freedom to choose, and the luxury to pursue things that I wanted to pursue when I was a kid. 

I am not placing any kind of blame on my parents. I am sure they were just trying to make ends meet. However, I would like to be financially prepared if I am ever going to have kids. Of course, these were my hopes when I still wanted to have kids. 

Now, I would be happy to just be with someone who can complement me. 

For now, I can only hope that my darling nephew and niece would turn out well, and would be able to live their life according to how they want, not how others want them to. 


Nephie attempting a near perfect Vrksasana after I showed him how. He immediately went to the cabinet so that he could balance himself on one leg. I didn't tell him to!!                                             \ ^_^ /!!


With love, Namaste.

Ayu