I started this entry with no title in mind.
I told one of my best friends once that recently I feel that my life is empty.
Even with the travel plans to Bali happening next week, I still feel as if I am walking in the dark, reaching out to shadows of things and people that used to be there.
It's hard to excite me with anything nowadays.
I feel empty. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled again.
I am not sure if it's because of what happened before this. I am not sure if I am feeling this way because I feel as if nothing I do will ever be enough. I am not even close to getting someone to share my life with, even if I want that person to be there without a future.
I even hid all those entries that never failed to pull me down.
I don't know if I can trust myself or other people I don't know who claimed to want to know and be with me.
How do you even start building all that with a stranger? I did that, twice. I failed, twice. Disappointed, oh thousands of times. I don't divulge these details to anyone because I don't want to be reminded of it because my God... it is just so tiring thinking about it.
I said to a close friend once that in 20 years, all I can see me be is dead, a seemingly strong woman with a broken heart. I cried twice today, and plastered a smile again to get out of it.
I don't know if I am just depressed. Maybe I am. But maybe what I need is the realization that at least I loved and lost, which is better than to have never loved again, even if it is unrequited.
Just hoping that Bali can take this girl out of the dumps even if it's only for a couple of days.