Thursday, December 6, 2012


I started this entry with no title in mind.

I told one of my best friends once that recently I feel that my life is empty.

Even with the travel plans to Bali happening next week, I still feel as if I am walking in the dark, reaching out to shadows of things and people that used to be there.

It's hard to excite me with anything nowadays.

I feel empty. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled again.

I am not sure if it's because of what happened before this. I am not sure if I am feeling this way because I feel as if nothing I do will ever be enough. I am not even close to getting someone to share my life with, even if I want that person to be there without a future.

I even hid all those entries that never failed to pull me down.

I don't know if I can trust myself or other people I don't know who claimed to want to know and be with me.

How do you even start building all that with a stranger? I did that, twice. I failed, twice. Disappointed, oh thousands of times. I don't divulge these details to anyone because I don't want to be reminded of it because my God... it is just so tiring thinking about it.

I said to a close friend once that in 20 years, all I can see me be is dead, a seemingly strong woman with a broken heart. I cried twice today, and plastered a smile again  to get out of it.

I don't know if I am just depressed. Maybe I am. But maybe what I need is the realization that at least I loved and lost, which is better than to have never loved again, even if it is unrequited.

Just hoping that Bali can take this girl out of the dumps even if it's only for a couple of days.



1 comment:

  1. What you are feeling is not something that just happen. Its a culmination of days and nights of small things. Then one day a little thing like death comes knocking and the burden becomes heavy enough and it breaks your back.

    I went through it enough times to know that its not a bad thing. It might seem bad and hurts a lot but fundamentally we are better because of it. Only people who are able to self reflect properly will get these type of issue. Those whom I casually term as "OverThinkers"

    We over think ourselves into these abysss.
    And we "think" we can "think" ourselves out of it.
    The truth is, we don't.
    We come out of it when we embrace the pain and learn from it. Not think on it, but really learn from it. Starting a journal about how you feel and what you see is a good way to start the process of healing and learning.

    I can go on and on.
    But the fact is, your already doing it.
    Though slowly and not realizing it yourself.
    This blog is that journal, if you allow it to be.
    Just put it there.
    Face it.
    Embrace it.
    And you will come out of it different.
    Better? Not sure.
    But definitely different.