Downtime thinking

My 'current situation' made me think about a lot of stuff. 

I have kept myself busy most of the time to prevent myself from thinking about things. 

I am unemotional at best, but I am vulnerable especially when I am on my own, left to my own devices, the worst being.. my mind. 

I kept myself busy with books and my Workforce Management Studies right now. I am trying to improve myself and also trying to keep myself occupied, now that I don't have to worry about attrition rates etc. 

On the job hunt front, I am trying to not think too much about  it. Things will come... at the right time. 

I will be ok. I think. :)

Namaste.

December 2013

Yes... it is now December, 2013.

Just  yesterday, I was thinking to myself... already?

I can hardly remember the things that  happened, to be honest. I felt that 2013 was kind of like a blur. I remembered the trips that I made, to Perhentian Island and of course the most recent, Hong Kong... but I can barely remember the rest of the things that  happened before or after that.

I have not been keeping track of things, although, I should.

I second guess myself a lot too.

Now, I am sitting in  a Starbucks, in the throes of the normal lunchtime crowd, trying to think of positive thoughts.

I still have no idea what I really want to do in life, of course. I don't think that  has anything to do with my professional training. I don't think I want to be an analyst all my life.

Oh well. Cheers to the rest of 2013. I will try to blog again if I can.

Namaste.

Black hole

A lot of things are happening in my life right now.

Well, not actually a lot. It just seems like a LOT because I over think stuff.

When I went for a short drive, through Jalan Duta and Parlimen, basically one big round to get home, yesterday, I realized what I was doing.

I was analyzing.

I was analyzing the things that happened to me, the people that were involved in them, and what was my reaction to it.

Was I acting accordingly, or not? Was I being over zealous, was I taking it for granted? Was I not protecting myself enough? Was I happy that my guard was down? Was I happy that I was about to be paid severance pay? Or was I bitter because I am now about to be dismissed and it seemed that I am either under or over qualified?

The truth is, there are currently 7.125 billion (And counting) people living on earth right now. There are 1.8 deaths per second and an estimated 370,000 babies are born worldwide everyday.

And where do I sit? I am one of those 7 billion people living their lives, struggling to survive their own battles, every damn day.

What makes my battle any worse or easier than my other fellow humans?

In a crowd of 7 billion? Nothing really. Probably, money, and who they have in their lives, but most of us, depends on who we are, what we choose, and what we do.

I find it amazing that as much as I would like to say that I have a black hole trying to suck me in its oblivion circumstances, there are 7 billion other types of black holes, hovering on top of each and every one of us.

Makes me feel small, and insignificant. On that note, I am trying to think about it in a bigger picture.

With Love, Namaste.

Freud's Requiem

In his book, Freud discussed impermanence and Transience.

I read his book, during my 'short but comprehensive' experience in the university, years ago. It was something that I borrowed from the university's library.

Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of things that pulled me down to a state of, depression.

The lay off was disheartening. Changes are coming, most of which I am most uncomfortable with. And the state of my personal life is not at all encouraging.

I have been having the urge to bawl like a baby from time to time. Sometimes I have no control over things I am crying over.

Suicidal thoughts run through my mind.

My friends, keep me grounded. My journal, keeps me sane. To a point. My practice, keeps me tethered to a part of myself.

Outlook for now... Bleak.

Namaste.

Realization

1) I realized when I was a kid, I was not able to touch the tip of my nose with my tongue. I lived with it. I am happy.

2) I realized I can't ever whistle any tune. However, I was blessed with a non - tone deaf sense of rhythm, and a nice voice. I lived with it. I am happy.

3) I realized that I can lose weight. I lost it. I lived with it. I am happy.

4) I realized that I am quite good at backbends in my Yoga practice, however, I suck at arm balances. I lived with it. I am happy.

5) I realized that no men will look at me and think 'she would be the ideal woman to wake up next to, to be in a relationship with, to go through thick and thin with, or to stay by when she is sick.'

I lived with it. I am not so happy, but life has to move on.

With love, Namaste.

Putting the Skinnies to Shame

Eversince I started yoga, many years ago, people asked me -- Why?

It's the same thing when I started having obsession for interval training -- Why?

The other golden question (Soalan Cepu Emas, in Malay) would be -- What motivates you to do all these self inducing torture?

Well, I started yoga because I love the challenge and interval training because of the rush. 

My motivation -- Duh. My fat ass of course. 

Most of the people who asked me questions on my 'fitness' regime, including my daily diet, are those who are skinnier than me. Some of them went the extra mile of scoffing my regiment. Most of them totally convinced themselves that they are not able to commit to exercise and churned out excuses. 

Things like ; 

1) I am not flexible enough for yoga 

Psst... THAT IS WHY WE DO YOGA. Duh.

2) I don't have enough stamina

Yeah, I have to make sure I GET my stamina.

3) I don't think I have the time

Don't think. Just do it.

4) I can't go one day without rice.

TRY.

5) Yoga is for infidels

Yeah. And unhealthy habits get you 40 virgins in heaven? I don't think so.

6) You will still die no matter what anyways

Well, think about your husband/wife/kids who will have to carry you to your grave. Being fat is not helpful. (Pardon the lack of sensitivity.)

The thing is, people say that we shouldn't use the F word. Some people really didn't have a choice. Obesity can be genetic. Okay. Fair enough.

But these can be otherwise translated to just making up excuses. I recently come across a group of big yoginis. Some of them can even do certain poses that I cannot do for nuts. (Well.. I can't do... yet).

At that moment, the wheels in my overactive mind is turning. I went ; 'Damn. All these excuses I have been giving myself when I was not able to nail that variation of Hanumanasana. I am ashamed.'

As a skinnier person, I was put to shame by these yoginis' commitment to Yoga. 

So, from now on, I will stop making excuses for myself, or the incessant frustration I get on my mat when I was not able to nail a pose. 

Like how my Guruji said, some people need more time. Yoga is not about other people's standards, the standards had always been individual. As long as your intentions are pure, the poses will come. 

With Love, Namaste

Ayu

Calling

So.. What's your calling?

Some people are happy living life without ever fulfilling or finding out what their true passion or calling is. They lived their whole life buried in other people's expectations without ever wondering about their existence in life.

Some said their passion is family, their calling is to take care of their children, their pride is their children.

No offense to this selfless notion and not that I have no respect for anyone who has that exact calling, I do think that sometimes, people put this as their calling, because deep inside, they lost their need for a calling, and went ahead for that thing in front of them. It's convenient. It's noble.

So this would be my so-called calling in life.

Earlier, I went for my 'lunch' (in brackets because it is at 12.15 am) with my bestie and he told me to look at what was in front of me.

I looked ahead, and I can see a plate of 'roti canai' (Paratha). With dhal curry.

So... my calling is.. to be.. an Indian bread. So I am to be kneaded?

Well, my point is, if you read my last entry, I have yet to know what I actually 'Want' to do. Even what am I actually good at. Sure, universe presented me with an opportunity for me to mull over it, but I can't be mulling over it forever. I am no trust fund kid and can't really go off to a foreign land, join an ashram and be an ascetic. (Although, believe me, if I have that chance, I would take it. This whole materialistic existence is bumming me out.)

My first job was as a waitress. I was waiting table, putting myself through my 'education'. And then I took on the Barista role at a local Starbucks. Dropped out, went back to JB, and took on a Customer Service Assistant job. The job was crappy, it was boring, it was... routine hell. I was at it for about 2 years plus, was given the opportunity to be a PR officer with the same company for about 3 years after.

Yes. I don't move jobs often, or, companies all that often. I am a loyalist. Sue me.

Public relations was interesting. Hypocritical, but interesting. I have all these different masks that I have to put on for different people. It was the first profession where I found out, with proper usage of sarcasm, I can get my way with my boss.

I landed in this company and in this job because 5 years ago, I decided that I need to move away from what my life was. I have just broken up with my ex, life was bleak, I hated living with my parents and I do think I need to... run away.

I ended up in this job.

I now run a call center, being all too familiar with all the crazy tech and telecoms jargons, and has a penchant for effective management, at least, I thought I do.

So.. is this my calling? Gosh.. if this is INDEED my calling, I would be thinking, how boring can my life be?

I see myself as a Jack (Jane?? Jill??) of all trades, but a master of none. If I do have one trait that I am a master of, it would be my ability to adapt, and to handle, whatever comes my way. Maybe not in the most perfect, university management theory way, but, in the most flawed, trial and error, honest self development way.

Which is better? I don't know.

Is this my calling? I don't know.

The bad news is, it might take a whole life for me to find my calling.

The good news is, I am already 34, I am almost halfway there.

So.. now... hurry on, Universe. Give me my calling.

With love, Namaste.

What if Money Was No Object? - Alan Watts

If money is no object, these are the things I want to do. Really.

I want to learn Yoga in India, I want to live it, to be immersed in it.

See, it's not all about lifting your entire body weight off the ground. It is not all about looking great in tight pants.

It is about what I want to do.

I have been asking myself exactly what I want to do. In life, do I want to continue motivating people who does not want to be motivated? Do I want to keep myself in a corporate culture where it is ok to kiss ass and talk bad about other people when your ethics are questionable still? Do I want to, milk this dog eat dog world and go on being a goon?

No, I wouldn't want to. Unfortunately, the spoon in my mouth is neither a silver or a gold one.

I have a wooden spoon. It is wedged in.

I want to move to Bali and teach Yoga. I want to own a bicycle (Or a motorcycle, provided, my fear of the death machine is shed first). I want to have my own vegetable garden, I want to cook the best veg curry EVER.

I want to grow old and doing that happily, and with grace.

If money is no object, I would love to do all that.

Unfortunately, it is an object, for now.

With Love, Namaste. 

Scare

A few days ago, I discovered a lump on my left breast.

It's small, like a raisin, but it's there.

Now, I am fiercely defensive about my independence. The last thing I want, would be to impose on my family and friends. I hate depending on someone else for anything.

I wouldn't know how I would react if I am ever going to be diagnosed with a terminal disease and would have to depend on someone else to take care of me. I would not know how I am going to cope with that.

I made an appointment with my gynae. All throughout the weekend, I can't stop wondering what if it is cancerous. I would be a statistic. How it would be like for my family. My friends. I will lose almost everything I have worked for. And die... Young.

I was weirdly calm. The check up was quick. An ultrasound was performed and the doctor said with a smile..

`Well, there's really nothing to be concerned with. Let's take a look at your cervix just to be sure.'

So, I have a healthy ovary and the doctor was happy to affirm that I am fertile.

The lump turned out to be a small cyst, that will usually disappear after my menstrual cycle. Accidentally I had my menses a day after I made the appointment.

Hey what do I know, I only know how to be paranoid.

But, I was grateful, that it wasn't what I thought. I am grateful that I still have a chance to perfect my Dhanurasana.

Even if it is, life moves on.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

posted from Bloggeroid

Determination

I have always personally thought that I am not good enough for Yoga..

Like really, like ass kicking yoga poses etc.

My muscles are much too tight and stiff.

Still struggling with jump throughs and jump backs. My limbs can't be straight enough.. etc.

So.. After 10 months of trying ... and pretty much convincing myself that I 'CANNOT' ever do it, this happened :

About 3 weeks ago, after working on my Hanumanasana for almost 4-5 months EVERY DAY, I did it. I frikkin' did a split aka the monkey pose.

This shot was taken last weekend, I was a bit more comfortable with the pose then. But that first time I was able to do this stance, I was psyched, I was so excited.

There is a glimmer of hope after all for us not so yogic non-vegan people!

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

"Positive people who drops negative people off in any way, are often lacking in empathy."

I want to share a sliver of my conversation with a good friend on--POSITIVITY. 

I know I am not alone when I say that positive people who are trying too hard to be positive ALL THE TIME... is annoying. 

I mean, there must be a human aspect to these teletubby wannabes. I mean, even teletubbies get ... sad .. over a broken tummy TV/antenna.. No?

All I am trying to say is that, everyone has their own battle, and to drop someone 'negative' off, is brutal. Keep it simple you say? Maybe... but it's not a bad thing to empathize on their situation either.

And there is a thin line between sharing your happiness and showing off. To hell with people you say? Maybe, but, hell, we all can use a bit of kindness, and empathy. 

Envy is an evil thing. I am trying to shield myself from it. I know I am able to, but I also know, not everyone can. 

With Love, Namaste. 

Be humble, bow to the ground and realize how feeble we are. 

The truth about Yoga practitioners

Whenever I tell new friends about my yoga practice, they seemed to look at me a in a whole different light.

They would expect me to be annoyingly cheerful, irritatingly enlightened, even impossibly spiritual.

My friends, the truth is far from it.

Yoga practitioners are, first of all, human. Man and woman. And we are flawed, in every screwed up way.

I know of a yoga teacher who was too obsessed about being yogic. He was almost, arrogant, saying that he is, at this point, far better than his Guru. I am sure that is not for us to say. And I am sure, even if that is true, it should be said with humility and hope, not with arrogance.

I started Yoga, truthfully, 5 years ago, on and off. It wasn't until 2011 that I start to take Yoga more seriously, and managed to make Yoga a part of my daily life, when one part of my life took a hit last year.

I embraced Yoga more when Tom died. I depended on my time on my mat for peace and calm. Yoga was the ONLY thing that could get my mind off the loss.

Even now, as I type, I still think about that fateful morning. It feels different, but it is still painful.

No, Yoga practitioners are not perfect. In fact, Yoga teaches us to first of all, be human. It reminds us of our human limitations, both physically and mentally.

Most importantly, it teaches us about Humility. No matter what belief you hold on to, be humble.

On our 'expensive' mats, wrapped in our 'organic' garbs, we are all humbled and bow down to our feeble human limitations.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

And then there is 1

During my sister's wedding last week, I was sitting with my Mum and an Aunt at home while my Sister were busy putting on the finishing touches to the 'hantaran' stuff.

"And then there is one." My Aunt said in Malay, smiling at me. My Mum didn't say anything and just smiled along.

I remembered asking my Mum who would she think she would have ended up with if she didn't meet my Dad. My Mum said, probably noone, although she was a hot commodity at that time.

As a matter of fact, my Mum told me that she told my Late Ah-Poh (My maternal Grandmother) that she might not be married at all.

My Mum really don't have any kind of expectations on her children. To her, we will marry when we find the right person. She also is, I think, kind of ok with my very private life.

When the right one comes, I know I will probably reconsider marriage. Probably. If that person never comes, then, on my own I would be.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Us siblings after the Solemnization

My Mum and I

Me, Myself and Yoga

My nephew would do the Vrksasana everytime any one of my family members mention my name.

He associates me with my practice, and is not the only one.

I am the only one in the family who practices yoga. I am also the 'only one' in a lot of other things.

Like ... I am the only one who...

- Has a different view on religion, as in.. irreligiously different view.
- Lives life somewhat precariously.
- Loves bikinis and the sun, and does not want fair skin.

Anyway...

My practice brings me to that special place, where.. I can be anyone. A place where I can fuck it all and just be... whatever I want to be.

Of course, most of the times I would be struggling on my mat, even to perfect my hanumasana, or my chaturanga. But, there is that weird.. feeling of twisted, achievement and satisfaction of being able to ... inflict self torture on myself in a yoga class.

I know. Twisted.

Gluttony for punishment, sucker for pain.

Self inflicted ones.

T.W.I.S.T.E.D

I guess... being twisted yogically is .. ok?

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Eid 2013

I honestly have mixed feelings about this year's festive season.

Last year, I kind of celebrated Eid with that assurance that when I go back to KL, I can snuggle back to Tom. There was also a part of me that wondered if I ever would be alive to go back to Tom.

Yes. I was morbid. Everytime I go on a trip, I would be thinking to myself what if I met in an accident on the way to or from the destination.

I guess, this, reminds me that I am human. I can preach about how one should not fear death as much as fearing how you are going to die, but, it would be difficult to practice it.

There are things that never changes of course. The drama before Eid, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the entertaining. For the whole week, I was not able to sleep properly. My circadian rhythm did not sit well with regular hours. I will be awake until 5.30 am and then dozed off to sleep.

I am blessed, but I remembered myself talking to myself telling myself that I am tired, and it would be great if I can just... get a break. In life, at least. I am no longer crying myself to sleep, which is good. I am a lot more positive than I give myself credit for.

I am trying.

Well, Happy Eid'lfitri to everyone who is celebrating. Eat responsibly. I am on a 2 weeks liquid detox now. I need my strength and my weight back. ;)

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Sizeist

Warning : This post may be sensitive to some folks.

--

I read a news report of how a popular yoga apparel brand shuns plus sized women as one of its' business strategies.

An insider revealed that the larger sizes were placed at the back, as opposed to those whose sizes are 10 and below.

Women are shouting foul because of the company's size-ist attitude towards the plus sized women population.

I have mixed feelings about this.

This is my take on it :

Every company has an image and their own target demographics to cater to. It is an unfortunate reality that certain styles in the yoga world, can't really... flatter bigger sizes.

I was a plus size before, I know how frustrating it was when it comes to shopping for clothes. But, I know where to shop at. I doubt that I would be looking at or wearing any of the things that I am wearing right now back then.

I don't think the yoga pants and tops that I am wearing right now would flatter me, or the manufacturer much 5 years ago.

I have issues with fittings too when it comes to clothes. I have small breasts, and I have a shapely XS-S/sz 2-4 type top half of body. However, being a pear shape, I am an M or a size 6 for the bottom half.

Am I crying foul for the lack of attention to my size? NO. I will just learn to live with it. Find any other brands that work for me.

Really, imagine the pudgier me, going out in this :

I have nothing against plus sized women. When I was one, I took another way to resolve my body image. If there are plus sized women who came over to me saying that they love their body as it is, all the power to you. As for me, as much as I loved my body then, I love the fact that I am able to fit in better in clothes now.

I think, most people should try to see it from a bigger perspective. If we can make something as small as this as an issue, can you imagine how we would perceive bigger issues?

Well, these are my thoughts, and I am in no way trying to defend any corporation or brands out there. I honestly believe, how your ass looks, is not because of the pants, it's because of your body, and how you decide it should look like.

With Love, Namaste,

Ayu

Positivity Is As Positivity Does

I had a discussion with a friend last weekend on 'Positive People'.

We were discussing on those 'positive people' who shuns negative people, via social media. People who unfollow / unfriend 'Negative people'.

Well, I have my own view on this.

I unfollow or unfriend people on social media when they get disrespectful / boring.

As far as negativity is concerned, it is subjective to me.

I don't see cussing as being negative. I don't see bitching about the traffic or that complaining about the person whose signal lever mysteriously went missing driving in front of them negative.

That, Ladies and Gents, is called 'Expressing Frustration.' If I am really 'negative' about it, I would have written a long blog post focusing on how the driver is a dumbass.

I think people who instantly social media dissed 'negative people' because they indirectly think that they are 'positive people' are being judgmental. IE---> NEGATIVE.

I think if you think that you are more positive and you feel that the other person is negative, you should motivate the other person to be positive.

NOT unfollow/unfriend them. All the more when You were the first one who wanted to social media follow/friend the person in the first place.

I personally do not care if anyone is going to do that to me. It is social media.

Not being negative is unrealistic. It is how some people escape from being human. That's not a way to live life.

I know some people who do this, heck, some people think that I am somewhat negative (I would personally want to be known more as realistic or cynical, but hey.. it is subjective) and I have been dropped /unfollowed before (Not that the latter counts really.. both don't).

Let's face it, people join social media not for positivity. It is for the drama that some people induce, the circus! It is entertainment. It is entertaining even to me, a person who practices yoga. It's like soap opera, only you can say for sure that you DO actually know the 'actors'.

I mean, I know everyone on my friends' list, I don't know about other people. I don't add people I don't know on my Facebook. Even my profile in FB is well hidden from public.

So... Let's be more realistic. Sure you can be positive, but remember that negativity plays a role in life too. It's all about the middleway. Strike that Balance. Trust me, you'll be kinder, more grounded, and definitely more human.

If you really believe however, that to control negativity is to do all the things that I mentioned above, my advice to you would be---> STOP PARTICIPATING IN SOCIAL MEDIA.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Ghosts

I have been thinking about Tom a lot lately.

It's been almost 11 months since his death.

I am not sure what this means really. Aussie was really understanding about it.

I don't really think it is fair to him though.

The thoughts that I have been having about Tom had been rather uncertain. It's not because I am still in love with him, I am not even sure if I was in love with him even...

Then again, what is EXACTLY love?

And soulmates. A friend jokingly mentioned that soulmates are those who share the same prejudice, to wear the same clothes.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe Tom. I don't believe in Aussie either. I have trust issues.

I need to sleep.

It's that time of the year again

I was sitting down at Starbucks for my daily caffeine fix , this time without my earphones on when the unmistakable sound of a 'Raya' song was playing on the mall's speakers.

Yes. It is that time of the year again.

It is a time where people go crazy with 'insightful, religious thoughts because it is Ramadhan', tweeting / Facebooking their break of fast dishes, announcing to people that they are about to / just came back from 'Tarawih' and Raya cookies agents start to promote their 'unique Raya cookies' to the masses. 

I don't fast too, although I do have a degree of respect for those who fast.

I am not really an Eid/Raya person. I think it is the same with how my friends abroad feel about Christmas/Thanksgiving.

I just don't... mark it on the calendar.

The novelty of celebrating Raya now is reduced to just being a chance for me to catch up with my cousins and family. Other than that, Raya is the most dreaded holiday of the year.

Last year, I didn't even bother to buy a new 'Baju Kurung' for Raya. My sister offered to buy me one, which I have only worn... once.

I suck at emotional Raya mornings where I would have to ask for forgiveness from my parents. I am not an emotional person. I am cold, and I have no real concern or feelings on anything or anyone.

I am wasted. In terms of emotions, I am detached.

Oh. I do like the food. I can't have enough of the ketupats and lemangs and stuff. One thing that I appreciated my mum of doing last year was to prepare the vegetarian kuah lodeh for me, which I loved. My allergies were still undetermined at that time, and so I avoided every meat dishes like a plague.

Now that I know the real culprit was chicken, I know which dishes to stuff my face with, and which to stay away from.

As the daughter, I am also responsible for buying new stuff for my family. It gives me joy, this part of Raya. I love giving people stuff that makes them happy. It is just a thing that is quite consistent with my character.

All the other things, like that usual argument on Raya night, my toiling to clean the what seemed like a house that waits to be cleaned only on Raya and ONLY by me, the waking up in the wee hours of the morning to cook the Raya dishes with my Mum while the men folk are still sleeping, it is all very tiring.

But, it's that thing in life that you will have to go through. It is family is it not? If you can't stop em', join 'em!

With love, Namaste,

Ayu

Silver lining, that small break among the clouds...

In a strange twist of fate, after many nights toiling over restless sleep on what I want to do and whether I should resign from my current position or not, I was suddenly given the opportunity to go ahead with what I want to do. 

I have been given a break to do what I have always been thinking of doing. The transition was made easier. 

If you have ever been in a BPO, you will know that process shutdowns are a given. They happen. 

I have been with this organization for 5 years and it paid off. There are mixed reactions within my team. Some of them are like me and some of them are concerned. 

I was asked how do I feel about this... change. I actually feel, after thinking about it for a couple of hours... relieved. 

As if a HUGE boulder was lifted off from my shoulders. 

In less than 6 months, I will officially leave the company I have been with for 5 years. 

And I am happy, that this happened. It is like a nudge, the universe just poked me, saying : 

"Go.. woman. Go and start on that thing you have always wanted to do. GO."

The universe works in strange ways. 

When life throws you a stone..

You can choose to use it for something big.

OR

You can choose to slam it on your forehead with it.

Choices.. choices...

Understanding myself

How many of us can honestly say that we really understand ourselves?

I have to say, even now, at 34, I hardly understand some of the day to day decision that I do.

How is it that I decided on eating Oreos and not my normal muesli + skimmed milk combo in the morning? How can I eat 2 pieces of fried chicken, despite trying to be a vegetarian + the fact that I will have allergy reaction to the meat 10 mins after consumption?

(Please note that Oreos and fried chicken are just SO yummy.)

I still cannot understand my affinity towards Scottish men. I seek them out, it seems like. It's ridiculous.

I kind of broke down over the weekend. I am sure the lack of yoga has something to do with it.

The haze forced me to cut my yoga time to a minimum. I was sick for a couple of days with Tonsillitis and a bout of flu and work was draining.

Without my yoga time, I became slightly deranged, disoriented. I was extremely moody and I was demotivated.

"If death was an option that I can take, I would take it."

That was what I said.

Yesterday, I decided, enough is enough. So I laid out my meditation cushion (It's actually just a pillow.) and meditate for about 1 hour. I am still not able to practice as it is my moon days and until the 4th day, I am not encouraged to practice.

I cannot, for the life of me, fathom my need to break down once in a while. I am now confused over what I want to do in life. Career wise, what I want personally and what I hope to achieve in the next 6 months.

Is that new job really what I want? or is that my menial human obligations screaming out to me.

So.. for the next couple of days, I will strive to understand myself.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Yoga Strength

Awesome campaign.

Please go to http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/yoga-strength-sierra-leone?c=home to contribute.

Sharing the love!

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. ~ Dag Hammarskjold (1905 - 1961)

I stumbled upon the quotation somewhere in a book.

I also remembered someone saying that people can be alone, even when they are surrounded by other people, talking to them, reacting to them.

There is always that 1-2 seconds of loneliness, if you are quick enough to notice, to catch.

I like to be on my own. My 'Me Time' is important. It's that space I zoned out to and it's the only time in the week where I would be able to sit, sip coffee, finish my book and enjoy.

However, I would love to have another person to be with, other than my 'Me Day'. Another person I can be at ease with, who thinks the same like I would of them.

Life had been weird eversince then. I was put off from flirting and dating. I find it extremely tiresome. The only good thing that came out of it was my yoga practice. I held on to it and started to go at it, daily. 6 days a week of 1 - 1 and half hours of namaskars and breathing helped.

I became withdrawn and even subdued at times.

I made friends from online dating sites. Something about me, put them off. It may have been the vibe I give out when I do meet these people. I was hesitant and reluctant. I still am.

When Aussie came into the picture, I was still that person. My walls are still up, and he knows that. When he came up to me about his India yoga retreat plan for a year, I encouraged him to go. I guess deep inside, I wished, I can do the same, to get away from everything.

We keep that window open. If the day comes, then we will get on that wagon, and we both can try. If not, all is well, and none will be lost.

At least, from a 'glass half full' perspective, I still have that chance to find that something great, worth dying for.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Yes.. I do have a fucking trucker's mouth... Do you mind?

During my recent Handstand (Ardha Mukho Vrksasana) practice, as usual, I thud down on my mat very gracelessly.

Under my breath, I said... *Fuck*.

Guruji was smiling as he passed by.

I know that he heard that.

When I first uttered the vulgar word in yoga, I felt a sense of shame. Guilt.. if you can call it that.

I am trying to live my life by the yoga principles of the 8 limbs.

Yes, the word being... 'Trying'.

And so, after some time, and a lot of meditation, I concluded that if I stop swearing, I would lose a part of me. The part that made me, the me I am in love with.

So far, I have met two paradox definition of how a yogi is supposed to be.

My 2nd Guruji used the word fuck in almost all of his sentences. Aussie was so glad that I can construct a full sentence using the F word, that he hugged me.

Aussie was just glad that I am not trying to be holy, divine. Yogic-ally speaking.

Besides, there is just something about the F word that is not quite explainable. It's the delight of being able to say that word without a single worry.

It's absofuckinglutely enlightening to be able to swear like a sailor.

So, please do not expect me, or if you have any friends who practices yoga, to be talking to you like we are the epitome of a Goddess in Lululemon yoga pants. Some of us are edgier than you expect.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

On Paranoia and Priority

Recently, I received a comment from an unknown reader who asked me 'stuff' about my lifestyle.

I requested for the reader to email me as the questions were a bit too personal for me to address on the blog.

My best friend then asked me how did I answer the email.

I said, vaguely.

He reminded me to be careful. It might be the moral police, searching for people who refused to be a part of the flock. People like me.

Or it may be people like the blogger whose one objective in life, once upon a time ago, was to talk bad about other bloggers who never actually gave a damn about him/her, but was so affected that they had to shut down their blog, just because some A- hole thinks it's their God Given Duty to become a virtual douche bag.

It's all good. I am aware of the illusion of 'freedom of speech' on the world wide web.

It would be inaccurate for us to assume that we have more freedom of speech elsewhere.

Again, freedom itself is a subtle illusion.

Even the state of anarchy itself is not exactly... freedom.

Well, I hope that the reader I advised was genuine. In all earnestness, in this age of paranoia, there are things that you will have to do to retain your sense of self.

In this case, I will have to walk the talk, to stay true to my own principles in life. Because without these, I am better off dead.

---

One time ago, I got to know this guy from the internet.

I did write about online dating, so this was one of those online 'dating recipients' that I came across.

Let me reiterate that not all people who chose online dating, is desperate. They might just want to have some virtual fun, to throw caution to the wind and just... see what can happen from there.

I don't really do it that often nowadays but let me get back to this one guy I corresponded with but is unlikely ever going to physically meet.

He is an Australian, who was here to expand his business from Indonesia to KL.

Out of boredom, I told him that if he wants to meet up for coffee, I will be available for a period of time.

He never replied and so I assumed that he was busy, which he did reply 2-3 hours after saying that he was knackered.

The next day, he messaged me with  a single hi. I said hi back. I received no response for over 4 hours.

I casually messaged him saying that, he didn't have to maintain contact to be polite, that it is ok for him to just drop me off.

And then he started messaging me, suggesting that we meet for coffee. It was a Sunday, which is my 'rice day' with my best friend, which I never will reschedule. Not for someone I don't even know.

And then, he accused me of not being straight, of being the one who makes excuses.

I decided, there and then, I don't have time for this shit. And cut him off.

As you know, I am kind of on a long distance thing with Aussie, who decided to pursue his yoga lessons in India for a year. We decided to let go of commitment to each other, but is still in contact with each other nevertheless, bearing in mind that if we are still in contact a year from now, then maybe, we can take it to the next level.

Aussie respects my schedule and my routine. It helps that we kind of share the same routine. In a way, yoga helps us both to have that sense of balance.

And respect.

If this 'thing' goes to the next level, I will be happy. However, I am already happy to be given an opportunity to meet him in this life time.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Satanic Posession

Being a Malay who does Yoga, I have had all kinds of comments and backlash about my Yoga practice.

The only thing that spared me from a whole lot of bullshit, is the fact that I don't really look like a Malay. For one, I am not really a Malay, technically. My mixed heritage kind of shielded me from all the unnecessary hassle.

I am very open with my practice. My family, including my extended family know that I am Yoga-centric. I wear my Mala beads even when I visit my grandparents and they have been pretty open with my beliefs, as far as yoga is concerned.

I focused on yoga more when Tom died late last year. I held on to my practice and was glad that I can shift my mind off the death by being on the mat.

Yoga was a channel for me to communicate with myself, to be in peace. It helped me a LOT. I got back a part of what I have lost through yoga.

So imagine my annoyance when I was informed by a mutual friend of this :

So what now... I am a satan possessed person in my chakrasana just because I am practicing compassion and patience on my mat???

And do you know what I say to that? I won't show the finger, I won't say the F word.

But I will say this to everyone who thinks like him :

You can bend and kiss your own non-yogi arse.

PS : Yoga in skinny jeans... The hardest thing aside from any arm balances.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

O my new generation...

Am I alone in thinking that the new generation is... not that that intelligent?

It's ironic to think that the more advanced we get, the more backwards we are getting. 

I have a wonderful nephew and niece.  

The thing that gets me down every time I look at them is how sad their whole early education is going to get. How screwed up their life perspective is going to be what with the education and the influence they are getting from the family. 

I am not like all the other people in the family. I don't share the same beliefs and my opinions on stuff, especially religion and culture is different. 

My friends are a bit disappointed with my decision on not having kids. They were pretty eager to find out how my kids would turn out like. 

I am sure my kids would have been awesome, because the first thing I want them to have would be the things that I was not able to get. The freedom to choose, and the luxury to pursue things that I wanted to pursue when I was a kid. 

I am not placing any kind of blame on my parents. I am sure they were just trying to make ends meet. However, I would like to be financially prepared if I am ever going to have kids. Of course, these were my hopes when I still wanted to have kids. 

Now, I would be happy to just be with someone who can complement me. 

For now, I can only hope that my darling nephew and niece would turn out well, and would be able to live their life according to how they want, not how others want them to. 

Nephie attempting a near perfect Vrksasana after I showed him how. He immediately went to the cabinet so that he could balance himself on one leg. I didn't tell him to!!                                             \ ^_^ /!!

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

6 months...

So 6 months ago, I was doing this...

Up to now, it has been a mix of bittersweet experiences.

Even before January, I was reacquainted with someone with whom I have strangely developed a pretty... unique relationship, one that still surprised me until now.

I am surprised because, it doesn't involve love, not in the real sense. It's complicated.

And I am strangely ok with that.

Ugh..

Have a blessed and beautiful remaining half of the year everyone.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

Dating (Part 2)

I will try online dating once in a while, when I need a bit of a self - esteem boost.

At my age, and given that I rarely go out and meet people, limits my social circle even further. I am hopeless when it comes to mingling now. I can no longer fake interest in meeting people. 

I may be one of the few who maintained my identity on line. Other than my love for Yoga, I keep everything shrouded in a cloak of vague data. 

As a self acclaimed narcissist, posting photos are one of my favorite things to do on these sites. Yes, I am well aware of the risks. But hell, what's life without a sprinkle of this and that, eh?

So, did I 'score' dates from these online dating sites?

Hmm... well... I would love to say yes, but no, not really. 

I have my own preference, personally. Most of those who messaged me can't seem to even at least, punctuate properly, and those who can, are chauvinistic pricks. 

I need to be interested in order for an online communication to develop. Without that sense of interest, everything else will just go down the gutter in most cases. 

I did respond to a few messages. I responded to a writer, a fellow Yogi, an eccentric musician and a free spirited 'educator'. 

Did I meet any of them? 

I met the Yogi and educator. 

Did anything spark from the meet? 

NO. 

I think there is still a part of me that is still holding on to Tom. My dead ex seemed to be ruining everything for me nowadays. LOL. 

I am not going to be the one who is going to initiate anything. I am not willing to do that anymore. Or, to be more accurate, I no longer have the strength to do that anymore.

It is unfortunate, but the next guy who comes along after this is going to have a HARD time convincing me. He can blame on all the other pricks I dated before... 

And yeah.. he can blame my dead ex too for this wall I put up in front of me. 

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Do or Do Not, There is NO Try

In yoga, you will have to condition and discipline yourself to a pretty... strict schedule. 

My schedule is to have at least an hour practice every morning / afternoon, whenever my body decides to wake up on. 

I was pretty impatient before this. But after that talk with Guruji, I told myself that it takes time. 

But the one thing that I must not shortchange myself in, would be my discipline, my schedule. 

So my practice would start at about 4/5 am in the morning consisting of 6 rounds of traditional Suryas, 5 rounds of Surya A and 5 rounds of Surya B. (Yeah.. what do you expect? 108 rounds at my level... 2 more months please. \^_^/...)

That would be followed with pretty basic stuff like back bends, standing poses, forward folds, seated twists, inversions. 

My recent favorite, which came to me as a surprise because I am not really fond of standing positions, is the Dancer pose. 

Below is me doing a less than impressive Dancer pose about 5 months before. I can manage a deeper bend now, but haven't had the chance to photograph it yet. 

I take pictures of me in different poses to see how far I have progressed. It's not always for vanity.

To improve, you will just have to diligently do it, until you are satisfied with yourself. Standards in Yoga, had always been your own. 

That's what I like about the practice. It puts me head on with my own self. 

Well, if you are new to the practice like me... welcome to a journey of self discovery and challenge folks!

With Love, Namaste. 

Ayu

My thoughts on Dating and relationships.

I am not someone who is approachable.

For some reason, I look as if I think too much, or are just way too serious, or maybe I look like I may just bash someone in the head if they even speak to me.

(And no, I have never bash someone in the head because they approach me with a friendly gesture.)

But most of the time, I put it down to my unattractive facade.

I am strangely okay with it. I have all the me time I want every Saturday when I go out for my coffee dose after yoga, just myself, a good book and a cup of cappuccino.

Would I like people to approach me, say hi and tell me that I look interesting, or perhaps.. pretty? Which woman wouldn't? But I have grown accustomed to my own solo routine, I have grown accustomed to being on my own.

On dates, I have no interest to be in one, for now.  I will go if I get a date, but because I don't, I am not interested. I believe in living my life in the moment now rather than hoping. Have I given up? Well.. not ... quite. I am just being open to the possibilities.

It's all about perspectives, no?

However, I am strangely open to having a healthy relationship. I haven't had a healthy relationship in a long time, where feelings, respect and affections are mutual.

Am I looking for marriage and kids?

Not exactly. I know I will be happy just having someone to hug at night, to fall back to, someone who will make me smile. Someone who will cook me breakfast on a lazy Saturday morning, and someone that I maybe can salute the sun together, who values fitness, like me.

I would be lying if I said I don't have physical preferences. EVERYONE does. People say that one should not be too choosy.

At this age, settling would be a waste of time on top of a waste of time. You can call it pride, ego, whatever that fits the situation, but I call it, a good thing.

No one should lower their expectations and settle for something, just because they have to go along with what other people expects of them (people includes your parents'). Nobody should be living a lie.

I am lucky I am able to pull myself together, to dig myself out of the mess that I was 5 years ago, and then again several months before. I still smile at Tom's portrait everyday when I start work and before I go home, without fail. I will get out of this, but I need time.


Namaste and with Love,

Ayu

Bad Yogi?

I recently came across a somewhat disturbing article.

It details 8 signs that you are a bad yogi.

I can't seem to have any positive opinion about the article. I tried, but in the end I think the angst displayed by the author itself is... unyogic.

The article was very judgmental. Not something I would expect from a yoga related article at all.

Sure we want our articles to be fun and quirky, but the article is just downright... wrong.

What constitutes a bad yogi is much more than mentally cursing the teacher for having us holding our poses a a breath or two longer than 5.

I was horrified when an acquaintance told me about a yoga instructor in one of the gym yoga sessions he went to who told a student that she should be able to strike the pose better if she lost a bit more weight.

Now 'THAT'S' a bad yogi. All of us know that weight has nothing to do with your ability to lift yourself. And hurting the feelings of a student is a no-no to me.

My Guruji will never give up on any of his students. He never said anything about any of his students, of any size, to not be able to work on any pose. He pushes them, and works with them to help them.

A lighthearted article is fine by me, but defining a practitioner as a bad yogi based on some tongue in cheek very human errors is just an unfair assessment of a bad yogi.

I feel that yoga is supposed to enhance your humanity and your connection to yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. That, and with everyone around you. So if being a human means being a bad yogi, if you are a practitioner, will that not dampen your spirits and deter you from the practice completely?.

Now I understand why non-yoga practitioners look at us differently. Sadly, we only have ourselves to blame for that inaccurate evaluation.

I can be wrong. I stand corrected all the time. But this is what I feel. And I have to get it off my chest.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Thoughts

I have  a framed photo of Tom on my desk at work.

It reminds me of the happy times the two of us had when he was alive.

It has been 7 months since his passing.

I miss him everyday.

Granted that he won't feel the same about me. If I die, would he be doing the same?

Probably not.

But hey, it's my heart. I have the right to trash it any way I want.

Namaste, With Love.

Ayu

I am doing okay.

One of the things that seemed to puzzle some of my friends out there is my solitude.

They are puzzled as to how I can be so comfortable with being on my own.

I mean, as far as I am concerned, I am a-okay with being on my own. I never felt awkward eating, or just travelling alone.

It will be great if I have company, but if all else fails and I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, I will have to learn on being on my own and be comfortable with my own company.

I think as far as having expectations on having a relationship is way out of my agenda right now. I tried, but I just... am not willing to put in effort into it anymore.

It is not just because of Tom... mind you. It is also because, I am just....I just gave up.

Giving up seems to be the most relevant option for me to take.

Once in a while, I like to imagine how my life would be like if I am in a relationship. It may be awesome, if I can get the same kind of commitment from the person I end up with.

But in what world is that ever going to happen. Maybe I had already been in a fulfilling relationship in my past life, maybe I did have that with Tom, and because that happened in my past life, and because it seemed like I have a standing karma with Tom, I am now going to end up on my own.

You will notice that I try not to say that I will end up alone... just on my own.

I am surviving, and I am living.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Wandering Limbs

I'm gonna dangle my feet over the wire
Despite your despair, I'm going over to the other side
There's a break in the clouds where the crimson collects
I got a bird's eye view, We're all just dots in the sky.

Am I caught in the background, a part of the scene
Misery in the come down, when I come down from here
Are we tangled in each other or placed in between
Like a stone or a stone's throw away from falling

Am I just a sketch in the landscape
Or arranged close to you
I think I fell into a strange fate of wandering limbs
And eager hands

-Kimbra Feat. Sam Lawrence

Beach Bummery

I spent about 3 days in Perhentian Island last weekend. We took a 7 hour roadtrip up to east coast, because we wanted to make stops along the way. I went with my best friend and my two close friends.

It was my first trip with friends and also my first to Perhentian Islands. Once we reached to the island, I fell in love with the place.

I love beaches. I don't know why, it evokes some kind of nostalgic sentiment, together with that feeling of peace and calm.

When the view is this beautiful, you tend to marvel at the universe more than anything. 

I found myself looking at these picturesque scenes during my 30 mins yoga morning practice, with a weird sense of revelation and reverence.

For some reason, I was thinking more about Tom than I ever did before. The beach and the sun always reminds me of him. He loved it, just as much as I do. I wished I was able to bring Tom here, to see how beautiful this part of the world really is.

I know that I didn't mean much to him, something that I can never get a definite answer on. No closure.

But that is something I will just have to learn to let go and live with.

I had fun nevertheless, with friends. I had a few hours of me time in between, especially when I was on my mat.

And of course, yoga pose attempts that I want to perfect in the coming 6 months.

I intend to perfect my beach bum skills by learning how to swim.

Unless you plan to join all the 5 year olds in a pool, the fees to learn how to swim is outrageously expensive. Maybe I can finally do some swimming during my next beach getaway.

And also to really be in peace with myself.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

Teaching yoga, really?

I teach my best friend yoga. I also give advise on yoga to my friends who asked.

Of course, if I don't know, I would say that I don't, and I would find out.

Recently, a friend remarked that maybe I should consider becoming a teacher. My reaction at first was to chuckle.

I responded with :

'Naah. Maybe not now. I don't know a lot of things about it.'

The thing is, I enjoy teaching yoga. Of course, I can teach beginner's poses only but I actually... enjoy teaching.

Bear in mind, I have never liked teaching. Anything. I tried teaching English to my siblings. I was impatient. I could not understand why people can't understand what I understand, why they were not able to see what I see.

This was of course, when I was younger, when I was more rash, when I was more hard headed.

But, that was English. This is yoga.

You have to demonstrate the move, you have to correct the alignment, and you have to push them to do more.

My short term resolution for now as far as this is concerned, would be to maybe go for a teacher's retreat.

I will have to wait until I can successfully do an unsupported headstand impromptu anywhere first.

Wish me luck.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Flashback and self reflection

I read my past posts today.

All the way from 2007.

I don't know if I have become a better person. Physically, yes, I changed... BIG TIME.

But deep down, I am pretty much the same fat girl who was struggling with esteem issues.

I cringed when I saw this :

This was me, 6 years ago. The one in white on the right.

Only 6 years ago, I was broke, I was living with my parents, and I was fat.

6 years later, this picture made me realize how much I have, changed.

I have grown more adept, spiritually, albeit, still with a slight self deprecatory, habit that I am still working on.

And... happier.. to an extent. Not to mention, a bit more flexible, I would like to believe, both physically, and mentally.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

I have my issues, but really, I am totally blessed.

Sometimes I pause in the middle of my hectic erratic schedule and look at my photos on FB. 

The photos never failed to make me smile. I am maybe not that maternal / family oriented, but I cherish my family, friends and all living beings. 

I believe if I give out positive karma, I will get just that in return. One can only hope. And one can't only think good thoughts and do kind acts expecting something in return. 

Sincerity is important. 

I hope I can be a spiritual gangster in time. ;)

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Respect

“If you're betrayed, release disappointment at once.
By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.” 

― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

--

On my FB account, I follow a specific FB page called Bitter, Heartless Bitch.

Why? Well, I like reading the posters they make on their page. Some of them I can relate to. 

I am afterall, 20% bitter. 

However, sometimes I do feel... well, kind of disturbed by the posts. 

I am bitter, I am somewhat bitchy, but I am not that way all the time. I do think in order for me to get respect, I have to respect myself first. And vice versa. 

Announcing to people about your bitchiness is fine but not the extent of, putting people off, or putting them down. 

Everyone is unique. And due to different life experiences, we tend to grow bitter. 

We ARE human. 

But I would like to think that our bitterness has its'... downtime. 

The thing is, although acknowledging something that you are, is a good thing, I think, if it's a 'flaw', strutting it around 'proudly' is somehow... pointless. 

If you know that you have a fixable flaw, wouldn't it be better for it to be fixed?

Being bitter, is fine. It is human. But, we should also stop being bitter too long, because it's no way to live life. 

I can be wrong. But, I am all for living life peacefully rather than making me unbearable.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Thoughts

I would like to think that some day, I would be able to find someone just like Tom to spend the remainder of my life with.

Well, maybe a version of Tom who would fall in love with me, just like how I have fallen in love with him.

The hardest time in the day is when I would be at home, on my bed, looking at the ceiling, forcing myself to sleep.

This would be the time when I would be attacked by thoughts. Past thoughts. And be plagued by future concerns.

I believe that Karma is repaid on a daily basis. When I stopped all contact with a friend a few months ago, I know that it will come back to me. At that point, I figured, I don't want to do the thing that I did anymore. I don't want to keep on trying to grin and bear with something I can't actually stand. I gave up on that friendship.

The last thing I told him that he never quite understood was the fact that he was overzealous in the friendship. I just didn't and never really wanted to put too much effort in it.

Yes... that was mean of me.

However, I believe I was being kind to both myself and him by ending the friendship. He irritated me. I should not grin and bear with him if I can't stand him. I should not inflict myself with that mean pessimism.

I should not give out or reflect negative energy to anyone. I do not want to be with someone just because I needed someone to forget about Tom, which was why I hung out with him more than I would usually do with anyone I rarely know.

I released him from my wrath. I was angry... with Tom. And I didn't handle it that well.

I apologized, and I stopped any form of contact with the person.

It's better that way.

And I never look back. 

We excuse our sloth under the pretext of difficulty. ~Marcus Fabius Quintilian

SK Patthabi Jois once said anyone can practice yoga, except for lazy people.

Most of the people I have spoken to, who asked me about yoga, would shake their heads and said that Yoga is not for them.

... That they are not able to stretch that far, or will never be able to see themselves doing all those crazy 'stunts'.

I rarely take these excuses at face value.

For one, if I actually believe all the excuses I made for myself,  I would not be able to do all the 'crazy stunts' I am doing now.

Growing up, I was kind of athletic but I have never been able to do some of the things that are deemed too 'physical' for me.

I can't cartwheel, ever. I think I can now, but I have not tried... yet.

Yoga was alien to me. Yoga was... absurd... and weird.

I gave excuses, to myself, convincing myself that yoga is not for me.

And now look at me, attempting a deeper chakrasana.

Next... eka pada chakrasana.


Do away with excuses. I am sure we can all use positive attempts.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

It's been 7 months...

Since the last time I know love.

I'm still searching. 

Nirvana

I am a bit... confused. 

My 2nd Guruji told me that he would like to retract himself from all worldly relations that has been hindering him in obtaining the true meaning of the practice. 

What I know, is that Siddharta Ghautama Buddha tried to attain sense by getting away from it all. 

He was a hermit, with a bunch of yogis who chose to follow his lead, by ostracising himself from their surroundings. 

One day Buddha decided that everything should strike a balance, and Nirvana was obtained when he has acknowledge that he fears nothing, even himself. 

Now the concept of Nirvana is summed up in Wiki as :

Nirvāṇa (Sanskrit: निर्वाण; Pali: निब्बान nibbāna ; Prakrit: णिव्वाण) is an ancient Sanskrit term used in Indian religions to describe the profound peace of mind that is acquired with moksha (liberation). In shramanic thought, it is the state of being free from suffering. In Hindu philosophy, it is union with the Brahman (Supreme Being).

The word literally means "blown out" (as in a candle) and refers, in the Buddhist context, to the imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion, and delusion have been finally extinguished.^[1]

So, as you can see it has nothing to do with physical exclusion from human relations. 

Human relations here did not just mean, sexually. It includes everything else.

So, do we really have to make sure that all kinds of relationships are severed to attain nirvana?

I believe Nirvana is subjective. My type of desired Nirvana might not be the same with the person sitting next to me. 

I am really hoping for this to make sense. I just want to be in peace with myself, to love myself more than what I am doing now. And to extend whatever help I can to people who needs it and deserves it.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Savasana cry me a river

I admit, I have kind of... drifted off to sleep during savasana (Corpse pose - Closing/Restoration).

I have no idea if I snored (I sure hope not). I am not a snorer in nature but after a vigorous practice, who knows.

My Guruji never gave us corny self reflection meditational speech during savasana too. And we savasana in silence.

Which is great. I can't help myself from cringing or smiling sarcastically whenever I join a class where the teacher will start saying things like 'You are beautiful just the way you are.'

Mainly because, I know that... I don't really need anyone to remind me of that. I say that mantra in my meditation every day. I repeat that 108 times x 3 in a day.

Eversince Tom passed, I found that I have become much more of a crybaby than I was before.

However, I have never quite experienced that whole... savasana awakening. You know, where people 'wake up' from the dead and start bawling. It troubles me sometimes. I thought that maybe, I am not suitable for the practice, if my spirituality is unable to reach to that level.

But, hey... Yoga is never a competition. No one should ever compete for a 'Savasana Awakening' as well.

Maybe I am just too hard to break. Too emotionally unavailable.

Maybe I will some day change. But I can tell you that it's never going to be now.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu