P.A.R.A.N.O.I.D

A dear friend of mine told me that I am getting more and more paranoid of relationships.

And often, according to him, my paranoia is mostly, baseless.

Bear in mind that over the course of the 29 years that i’d been alive, I have gone through a lot of fucked up shit. So being paranoid of anything that has a man and the word ‘relationship’ in it is I guess, given.

My first love at the age of 16 was a dude who went to an elite military school. We drifted apart because I was studying in a boarding school in JB and he’s up north. We stopped talking to each other and sending out letters.

Yelah kan, dolu – dolu mana ada email and SMS.

My second love left me without word. I was in KL, and he disappeared. I went to the extend of going over to his workplace looking for him. Eventually, I got in contact with him and he told me that I am too smart for him, and that he didn’t deserve me.

I guess, now, I agree with him. I am waaay too good to be his girlfriend.

I can barely remember the couple (or several) rebound flings I had after that. I think there was some sort of a Malay only speaking bastard in between.

After that came a guy who was probably 5 years older than me, who loved me and who took care of me. Unfortunately, I didn’t love him as much as he did.

To that person, I am sorry. Just so you know, karma got me big time. So you can grin and be smug about it.

I was also involved with someone who was over 10 years older than me. A lot of shit happened, and I moved back to JB... scarred and hurt.

I met Fi and dated briefly, it didn’t work. He is too good for me I figured. He doesn’t drink, smoke and he ‘mengaji’ every Monday, which freaked me out a bit. But he remained one of my good friends I can rely on.

Later, I met up with two married guys who denied about their whole life, not just the fact that they were already married. I had anonymous phone calls, threats and a woman who called me and begged that I speak to the husband whom she said was in love with me.

I got sick with that, and I walked.

BFEx came and he screwed my life completely, and I let that slide.

TheDude came along and apparently he told me that he is no longer cool with me and we split.

BFEx came back and we fell in love for the second time and he screwed me YET again.

Shame on me to have that happened to me twice ay?

Tell me now how can I NOT be paranoid?

And then I kind of played around with a few people I dated. But instead of waiting for things to happen, I put them in perspective and focus on what I want. If it’s not gonna happen, then it ain’t gonna happen, why wait for it to go kaput? Might as well initiate the ‘Kaput – ing’.

Why am I still single? I guess, a part of me does not want to go out there again and do the whole thing over. I dread disappointments, I don't want to be hurt, and I don't like to feel inadequate, as if I am the one who fucked up.

Now, I don't want to do the work alone. If anyone think they could take me as the person that I have now came to be (stubborn, aloof, perfectionist, private, sarcastic, tired) together with my history, they better try hard.

And as a reminder, if you are having second thoughts, tell me the soonest possible, so we both could move on with our lives.

Not that there is anyone right now who seemed to have the guts to even want to be included in my (Not so little) black book.

Last but not least, WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) babeh. I am not going to change for anyone unless you are willing to make changes just to be with me. Savvy?

To my dear friend, I am not denying your paranoia allegations, I am admitting to it, so I guess next bucket of Tuborg is under your tab babe!