Crossroads

We always want something that we couldn’t get.

I want ‘I’ to be my boyfriend, because we connect, but I can’t because he is my friend. We tried, we failed, I think, or maybe we just didn’t wait to find out.

I want Trey because he had been the only one who could handle my mood swings and seemed to have the skills of handling my eccentric personality while being a wonderfully sweet and thoughtful friend.

But I can’t because I don't want to be in between his career. I want him to have the best, and I am not the best.

I want to be normal, to have someone to go back to or someone to complaint with over the phone, not being the independent chick all the time.

Independence is tiring, and lonely.

But I am not made for things like that. I am far from conventional. What I want in a partner IE boyfriend is almost unrealistic. I was jealouse of my best friend because she had the kind of relationship I want for myself.

And the guy loves her, like really loves her.

Padan muka akak jugakla... I was the one who pushed Trey out of my life, believing he deserves better things, like that job over in the UK and that size 4 girl.

But at least, he sticks with me as a friend. He came down twice to make sure I was ok last year.

And there is ‘I’, who’s helped me in a whole lot of things. He is my shoulder to cry on, he is my punching bag and my good friend. We could talk for hours, and I think he would be the only one person who is able to accompany me if I would ever get to see a sunrise on some island with someone.

We connect in a mysterious way.

I guess God has a different blue print laid out for me. How I wish I could take a peek.

I am frikkin' pissed off

‘You have two things to decide on now’ I told her;

1) Whether you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, shunned by many, bring up the baby alone or abort it.
2) Whether to keep the fucker you call your boyfriend or to remove him from your life forever.

The fucker wanted no part of it, and now my girlfriend is left all alone.

This is the most daunting of all realization. To find out that your so called boyfriend is a narcissistic psycho freak is one, but to find out that a man who impregnated you would prefer to be out of the picture in times when you needed him the most is another.

I didn’t ask her whether she used contraceptives at all during sex; I think it is a redundant question to ask now.

I honestly told her that she should be expecting that kind of response to come from the boyfriend, because I know for sure if I am in that situation (which I don’t hope for it to happen ), I am going to be alone. I don’t rely on men, I don’t think it is right for me to do so. I could never believe there will be a guy who would face the consequences of their action, by this I meant, their action of making their girlfriends pregnant.

Any woman in their right mind should know that.

But unfortunately, women are also most likely to be the ones who would be ‘blinded by the foolishness this abstract thing called love’ brings.

So I told my girlfriend to think on it, hard. If he is not going to be there for her, I will. If she still wants to be with the fucker, go ahead. It is her choice afterall. Just don’t expect me to be in the same room with him, because I might just cut off his balls and feed it to the dogs.

Though I am not too sure if the dogs would eat them.

Stop & Stare

I am tired.

I am tired of explaining and defending myself for something I have never done.

So I am done.

--

I was feeling down yesterday night. So I called my confidante and picked him up for a talk and a whopper (Well, he didn’t have his dinner.). Something personal happened which I am not going to harp on and during times like these, The Confidante would usually come into the picture.

It was also because I owe him something and my conscience will forever nag me if I don’t settle it as soon as I can.

It always helps to talk about something unrelated. Plus, he always managed to cheer me up with his jokes and makes me sleep better at night.

Most importantly, he trusts me. He knows there are some things I would never do. He also knows that a blog is not a reflection of who we are. A blog is just a blog, a place where we write unimportant, probably stupid things that are not supposed to be taken seriously.

*Saya sangat marah dan kechiwa tapi itu semalam punya hal la.*

Thanks dude, I really needed the talk.

And this morning, with Jamie Cullum playing in the car, I felt relieved, and glad that I have good friends like Anna, Kak Neesa, The Confidante, the AJK Mamam at work and my drinking mates to complaint and talk to.

To plunge or not to plunge

One of my good friends asked my opinion on her current situation.

The situation is one where a guy whom she got to know from the club that she frequents likes her. The guy is older, a lawyer and According to her; ‘is easy on the eyes.’

Older guys, that is one thing in common I shared with her. Not that I like older men, really, it’s just that older men are attracted to me. The last time I accompanied her to our all girl night out, I was approached by a guy probably 20 years older than me.

Anyway… it seemed like her whole entourage of friends gave him the thumbs up. she wouldn’t mind either, saying that she is tired of having uncertain relationships with men whom she will never get to be with and is at the point of wanting to just settle down with a man who will take care of her.

“Being this independent woman is tiring, at least, I don’t have to if I am with him.” she told me.

I agree with her on the independence thingie. Being too much of a survivor and someone who pays for their own bills and whatnots is extremely exhausting. We don’t have anyone else to vent on but ourselves.

I told her to not rush it. Afterall, she did meet the guy in a club where most heads are ruled by an unhealthy dose of alcohol.

“Go out on a proper date, talk proper things, things that are not induced by Mr. Jack Daniels or a bottle of Black Label… take your time and trust your guts.”

According to her, she intended to make me the final run through point. He may have passed the entourage, but he hadn’t gotten my approval yet.

Which, to her mattered the most because I know her better than anyone else.

“The most important thing is to be happy. I want to be happy babe, I don’t want to lie down in bed every night staring at the ceiling thinking about how empty life is.”

Sigh… you and me both sister, you and me both.

Anyway, I told her to arrange for a lunch date with the guy first. However the next day when I called her, she said she changed her mind. Somehow her gut instinct told her that he is only in it for the sex, and nothing more.

Besides, like what I told her, we know for sure that we could never actually trust any men who told women that ‘They only want companionship, people to travel with,’ and all that crap right? But more often that not, we gave men the benefit of the doubt.

Why? Because we believe (…) that not all men are bastards. (At least we hope so la).

And surely us so called independent women are allowed to have a shot at being happy in a relationship kan?

Mr. Prihatin

I always wear either my cheap solitaire diamond ring or the cubic zirconium ring when I go out.

Men who want to pick me up take that as a good reason for them to walk the other way.

Not that I am trying to tell the world that I am taken or anything of that nature, it’s just that most of the time, I could never be bothered to ‘layan’ these buggers.

So the last few days, I went for a daytrip to KL to collect my offer letter and decided to have lunch at KL Sentral’s McD. I was famished and the last thing I want is for someone to come over and ask if I am interested in a conversation.

I want to be alone, with my cholesterol laden Medium Quarter Pounder meal.

One, I was damn tired as I have been up from 6.30 in the morning, sat on a grueling 5 hours trip on the bus (because the driver was damn slow!), and two, I walked up and down stairs at the LRT station and my knees were actually giving way.

So this guy came over to me and asked if he could join me, I said No because I kind of want to be alone at that time and there are other available seats around. I flashed my cheap solitaire diamond ring and I guess it caught his eye. He went to the other table and sat there.

The guy came over to my table again after finishing his meal, he dropped a note that said;

“The ring is on the wrong finger darling. So I guess you are still single. See you around and hope you might just allow me to sit with you the next time.”

Waah… sangat prihatin.

Of course, there will not be a next time, and I know Mr. Prihatin knows that.

Kay Hell, Kay Hell

Now that I am a couple of weeks away from moving to KL, I was suddenly sad of leaving JB.

Even though I don't have many friends in JB, I have to admit, those that sticks with me until now had been totally supportive and had been nothing but great people.

My Hwa Mui weekend date Fi was lamenting on my future absence and that empty hole in his calendar now that I am no longer around to pass on stupid jokes to. There will be nomore final run through of potential boyfriends by me courtesy of my many equally paranoid girlfriends, my photoraphy freak of a friend who also happened to be one of my closest confidante who also told me that he was proud of my achievement, my sporadic and infectious journalist friend who drives like a bee high on coke (and whom I will forever feel indebted to for letting me use his car when I had to send my car to the workshop) , my drinking buddies in Banyan and Mirage, Fahrin and Farhana who were among the coolest brother and sister team I have ever known, Kak Neesa who has yet to know about my moving on to greener pastures in PJ and everyone else who have proved to be reliable and trustworthy.

Because of you guys, I am definitely a better person from who I was 8 years ago.

Now to find a different set of buddies to hang out with at the Ibunegara.

So Kay Hell, you guys game?

Let's get lifted!

I am making that move after almost 8 years.

Again, I’ll be making KL my home. Don't know until when this time. :P
--
It’s been a tiring weekend.

Went up to KL for my Chinese cousin’s wedding. I haven’t met her for almost 4 years (I think). As I had another appointment the day before, I caught up with my parents at my A-Yi’s place the next day.

I was uppity (refer opening paragraph). I was also tired and my feet was covered with blisters. (Turun naik tangga LRT in heels... challenging I tell you, tapi padan muka I jugak la yang mengada-ngada pakai heels kan?) took LRT from the station at AMCORP all the way to KLCC for lunch with friends and then took the LRT all the way to KJ station. Dahla ramai la pulak people in the bleeding LRT. I was close to getting down on all fours and crawl into the taxi.

I got nostalgic for a while during the LRT ride. Yela... Sedangkan tempat jatuh lagi terkenang, apatah pulak tempat bermain ye? I was a KL-lite (Sort of... with a Johorean mentality but of course) for a short while.

Looking at the traffic also got me thinking... like how am I supposed to get the hang of all the various highway links and shit, the blocked here blocked there roads and to know where exactly am I with all the really confusing signages.

Heh... nampaknya makin kesesatan-la saya ini... literally, in the safety and comfort of my car.

And oh... I will have to go and get those steering wheel, accelerator pads and whatchamacallit locks to further protect my car.

Owh anyway... back to the main story, the wedding.

I have not always been close to my Chinese cousin. I remembered the tantrums she threw when we were smaller. I was not allowed to act like that as I am the eldest daughter in the family and I am supposed to act ‘composed and elderly’ those times.

So seeing her as a bride was especially weird for me.

But I am happy for her and A-yi, and Uncle.

Tian tian mi mi bak kata A-yi. Ihiks!

And I have been meaning to write about our family’s latest addition, Baby Najlah.

Uhuhuhu... I want one!

A post full of sillies...

I have not exactly been myself the past few days.

Actually, to be exact, for the past week.

Not that my work had anything to do with.

And it's definitely not like what my colleague cum friend said; 'Yelah... orang berchenta.'

Chet! What chenta. I don't even know if this is how chenta supposed to be like. Lambat la... Gut feeling doesn't say that yet.

I also realized that I have not been utilising my camera phone much since I bought it a couple of months ago. So I took these one rainy afternoon;

I looked confused in all the pictures I know...

And OMG... more pictures!

Ye... saya tau tulisan saya buruk

And then I decided, hey... this is kind of funnn.. so I ended up chronicling my whole entire afternoon right until I finished work. (Yeah.. I am that bored... Haha!).

This was what my kotak kubikel looks like when I left for home

Dan ini rupa punch card saya yang sangat primitif. Dulu my old company used scan.

This is my Wiwa from the side. It was raining

This is my driving companion. It's no Denzel Washington, but it's there.

This is the station I choose to listen to on my way home. Kamu2 orang KL tak dapat la this station.

And this the shit I have to go through every single day.

I told you I am a bit different this past few days.

Potpetpotpet....

My last blog post is sooo serious… I don’t do serious today. The mood is more like ‘I – am – so – lazy’ mood.

I changed my status on Fesbuk to ‘it’s complicated’.

Long distance relationship is a complicated subject to me. It’s fragile because you can never know what will happen in the next 48 hours, fun because I am so digging teasing men on the phone and totally suspicious because he could think that I am snuggling up with some hot macho guy with a nice neck and I sometimes had the image of him swilling a bottle of beer with two babes on each arm.

Ridiculous? I know. Damn hyperactive imagination… I know oso.

Sometimes I would kind of hesitate in telling people about my status. I am not really with someone, but I am with someone, you get what I mean?

So as it is in my Fesbuk, my answer to kaypohchees who asked me about my relationship status would be ‘It’s complicated babeh.’

Oh ye… somebody told me that she reminds him/her of me. I'd be much happier if I have the botak fella who she is snuggling with. So does Tisha Campbell of My Wife & Kids fame remind you guys of me?? (Oh... The Botak fella is one of the cute Wayan brothers... delish eh?)

Anyway, I was told that Mataking Island is gorgeous. Judging by the picture, begitulah nampaknya.

I am making calls, planning my schedule and saving money for the solo trip. Akak tak reti berenang but heck… I can wade ‘dipersisiran pantai’ can’t I? Plus, I must wear my tankinis and whatnots sometime kan?

It was supposed to be Redang, but I did that once before, so I guess, it’s about time I take a flight and discover somewhere else.

Akak see taking solo trips as rejuvenating. Maybe it’d be better going with someone, but I want to save that for when I am in a real relationship. memories are hard to deal with. there are tonnes of places that reminded me of my exes… killjoy tell you having thoughts like; ‘uh… that is where I used to have ice cream with those wittle payungs and stuff with X’ or ‘bloody hell, that balcony was where we kissed for the first time with Y’ or ‘Z loved the grilled salmon here!’.

La Tortura gitu!

That’s why if I am going to have a good time, I am going to have it on my own. So the only thought that will cross my head when I revisit the place would be;

“Oh yeah… the last time I went here pun kena gigit kerengga jugak… tak sangka pulak skang pun kena sekali lagi.”

This smells like politicshhh!

Politic’s maybe my favorite subject in Uni (once upon a long time ago), but it doesn’t mean that I like poliltics.

I am in love with the ideology of politics. In a way, I think, it was the historical aspect of it that attracted me in the first place. Reading the works of great political thinkers like Rosseau, Hobbes and those as legendary as Socrates appeals to me because of the vocabulary flair and the theories that they represent.

On paper, politics is a clean affair (except for maybe, Machiavelli). It is straightforward and comprehendable. In practice, it’s another thing altogether.

As a Johorean, I am well aware of what people from other states think of us. Most names who started UMNO hailed from Johor, we have one of the most intimidating royal family in the country and we have an illustrious history and culture.

Some people might have thought that Johoreans are totally in love with ourselves, our colonial legacy and our way of life.

Our political standing is very predictable. We have always been an avid supporter of the ruling party. It almost came to the point of definite accuracy. It is a trick question to ask anyone on who will win the ruling helm come general elections.

To me, it is simple, with progress, there comes the inevitable responsibilty of charity. Without either one of these, a country could not strive.

I don't fancy Johor becoming like Kelantan. I have heard enough from people who talk about these people’s entrepreneurial skills and whatnots. The irony is that, even with all that ‘positive repo’, the people from that state kept on pouring into other states to find ‘opportunities’. The question is, if they are all that good, why can’t they stay where they are? Why is it that when we go over to their state, it seemed like we are not welcomed and why is it that we don't mind them making Johor their home? (Oh yeah... bring on the hatemails).

Anyway, on a more local front, although I was hoping for the MB to step down, it doesn’t mean that I have given my support to the opposition. I have always thought the opposition still lacks in running a state, let alone a government. I am not big on Malaysia being a charity driven country nor do I want unnecessary development to shroom all over Malaysia.

This doesn’t mean that I agree with what the ruling government is doing. So with the reality sinking in, now that they have failed to secure 2/3 of the seats, they better buck up and get their game on.

I think I want to Membebel nonsense

How ironic.

In the midst of all the kiss ass advertisements leading to the elections talking about how the country is more safe and secure and all the ‘CCTV installation upgrades crap, my friend’s purse was snatched at one of the most prominent banks in JB at Bukit Timbalan. Get this, it was located VERY near to the state government’s administration office.

‘Saya rasa keselamatan saya terjamin.’

Yup… what a load of bull.

--

I have a friend who seemed to be absolutely sure that a certain mark on anyone’s forehead (ala yang lebam2 macam terantuk tu.) is an indication that the person is a god fearing, religious person.

I remembered there was once during my DIY adventure of putting together a computer table, I accidentally knocked my head to one of the corners and there was an ugly dark mark on my forehead for days after.

So what’s the story? does it also mean that I am religious now that I sport the mark? Even in my short skirt and high heels?

This ‘theory’ is totally unfounded. So guys, if you want to hitch some pitiful gullible girl from the kampong (who believed that the mark is totally a sign that a man is *warak* (god fearing) but is totally okay to be hugged) please eh, jangan lupa hantukkan kepala ke dinding sebelum pi dating.

--

I have been in a few long distance relationships before.

I still have not come to a conclusion if such relationships could work for me.

You see the thing about me is that I like being alone at times. There are times when you would find me going over to the zoo (Johor zoo… yeah…) or driving over to Kota Tinggi waterfalls to take pictures.

Of course there were times when I wished I could do all that with someone, who means something to me. But I got over wishing for that as soon as I started to think about it.

I am in a long distance relationship now. Half of the time I don’t know what he does. We SMS each other a lot and he barely has time to call me up due to his work. I honestly don’t know what he feels about me and most of the time I wouldn’t know if he actually thinks about me at all.

But when he did call, I like talking to him, and I give him the benefit of the doubt when he said he’s been thinking about me. Whether it is the truth or otherwise, heck, I guess, even if it’s not, that’s something to hold on to I figured.

P.A.R.A.N.O.I.D

A dear friend of mine told me that I am getting more and more paranoid of relationships.

And often, according to him, my paranoia is mostly, baseless.

Bear in mind that over the course of the 29 years that i’d been alive, I have gone through a lot of fucked up shit. So being paranoid of anything that has a man and the word ‘relationship’ in it is I guess, given.

My first love at the age of 16 was a dude who went to an elite military school. We drifted apart because I was studying in a boarding school in JB and he’s up north. We stopped talking to each other and sending out letters.

Yelah kan, dolu – dolu mana ada email and SMS.

My second love left me without word. I was in KL, and he disappeared. I went to the extend of going over to his workplace looking for him. Eventually, I got in contact with him and he told me that I am too smart for him, and that he didn’t deserve me.

I guess, now, I agree with him. I am waaay too good to be his girlfriend.

I can barely remember the couple (or several) rebound flings I had after that. I think there was some sort of a Malay only speaking bastard in between.

After that came a guy who was probably 5 years older than me, who loved me and who took care of me. Unfortunately, I didn’t love him as much as he did.

To that person, I am sorry. Just so you know, karma got me big time. So you can grin and be smug about it.

I was also involved with someone who was over 10 years older than me. A lot of shit happened, and I moved back to JB... scarred and hurt.

I met Fi and dated briefly, it didn’t work. He is too good for me I figured. He doesn’t drink, smoke and he ‘mengaji’ every Monday, which freaked me out a bit. But he remained one of my good friends I can rely on.

Later, I met up with two married guys who denied about their whole life, not just the fact that they were already married. I had anonymous phone calls, threats and a woman who called me and begged that I speak to the husband whom she said was in love with me.

I got sick with that, and I walked.

BFEx came and he screwed my life completely, and I let that slide.

TheDude came along and apparently he told me that he is no longer cool with me and we split.

BFEx came back and we fell in love for the second time and he screwed me YET again.

Shame on me to have that happened to me twice ay?

Tell me now how can I NOT be paranoid?

And then I kind of played around with a few people I dated. But instead of waiting for things to happen, I put them in perspective and focus on what I want. If it’s not gonna happen, then it ain’t gonna happen, why wait for it to go kaput? Might as well initiate the ‘Kaput – ing’.

Why am I still single? I guess, a part of me does not want to go out there again and do the whole thing over. I dread disappointments, I don't want to be hurt, and I don't like to feel inadequate, as if I am the one who fucked up.

Now, I don't want to do the work alone. If anyone think they could take me as the person that I have now came to be (stubborn, aloof, perfectionist, private, sarcastic, tired) together with my history, they better try hard.

And as a reminder, if you are having second thoughts, tell me the soonest possible, so we both could move on with our lives.

Not that there is anyone right now who seemed to have the guts to even want to be included in my (Not so little) black book.

Last but not least, WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) babeh. I am not going to change for anyone unless you are willing to make changes just to be with me. Savvy?

To my dear friend, I am not denying your paranoia allegations, I am admitting to it, so I guess next bucket of Tuborg is under your tab babe!