Baggage

I have a strange... umm... opinion... about dating and relationships.

I tend to overanalyze when it comes to these things. I wanted to end things first if I have the first gut instinct that the person I date would like to... not date anymore.

It's this... ego thing.

After having my ego trampled and suppressed for years, it is something of an accomplishment... nay... victory... for me to get my ego back.

It's either I break it off first or my ego becomes the stamp on somebody's shoes.

Plus, I am not good at dating more than one person too.

I realized now that I have always been putting all my eggs in one basket, hence, the expectations.

I am supposed to go and date someone who was introduced to me by a friend. Well... I might be going on that date.

But because I am currently going out on dates with the Scotsman, I don't somehow think, it is appropriate for me to go off having coffee with another guy, making assessments and making them... like me.

I feel like I am ... cheating. On. Someone.

Bear in mind that the Scotsman, has his own reservations, and I have my own.

For a start, I don't feel that the Scotsman is all serious about me. I am not letting him tear down my wall... because I don't feel it is safe for me to do so.

Never mind that he would be the first person to tell me that I have sensual lips, dark eyes, a great smile and a smart ass  brain.

Well, great smile and a brain I have gotten before. Sensual lips and dark eyes, not so much.

I tend to look at the big picture.

Big picture : I want to feel comfortable with someone, and at the same time having no disturbing gut feelings about having to leave the bugger first before he leaves me/decides that he no longer wants to impress me.

I think, I am insane. No doubt. My insanity had been known to gain me both friends and lovers.

Trey for an example, loved me for my insane conviction to life.... way back when... I was fat by 10 kilos, can barely afford a bottle of Loreal foundation and the idea of putting on eye shadow is another way to instantly kill me slowly --- Oxymoronic... yeap.

Present picture :

I would be intentionally do an extra round of circuit training just so my mind wouldn't think of work/personal life. I would, at very dark times, drive around like a bat out of hell, sometimes stopping at the side of the road, at 4 am in the morning, crying with my hands holding the steering wheel.

I have a friend who has a loving a fiancee, been together for 7 years, who believes that things can go wrong for her anytime.

I am ashamed but at the moment, sometimes I feel that.

I am much too shattered to allow someone to make sense of myself.

I have been told that I am smart, I am sassy, I am sexy, independent, gutsy and all that bullshit.

And yes, I would definitely create an excuse / reason to dump someone or for someone to all of the sudden think that he willl have to dump me.

And then I will go back to my own life, burying myself with work and dumping judgment on men who tries to make sense of ... me...

I am a moron.