Heroes and Icebox

I am sitting in front of my laptop, braless, in my black boyshorts (AKA underwear), with my hair in a bun and my face bare.

The greatest feeling in the world is to be your sexy sweet self and not having hang ups over crowfeet or any zit marks on your face. To smell of body gel and lotion and to have a pair of woolly socks with cartoon prints on your feet.

This is me about 30 minutes after I filled in on my Heroes shot for the night. One hour full of awe and exclamation to my Mother (Yes, my Mother) of how cool like ‘Gila Babi Punya Coolness’ to see a flying half naked politician, a good looking guy with a fringe having white eyeballs drawing on a pro canvas (With another intriguingly dashing(?) heroin addict who seemed to have made no effort whatsoever in looking just as delicious in a weird Kurt Cobain – ish kind of way), a creepy schizophrenic who just wants to be ‘a good person’ and a bumble headed Japanese Dude (Wait… was that a Samurai sword?) shouting ‘Save the cheerleader, Save the world!’

When was the last time a cheerleader save your life? Hah!! What do I tell you? Never in my Universe!

I am so totally hooked! Wednesdays are officially my favorite day of the week. I don’t care about ladies’ night’s free drinks. Gimme my remote!

--
I broke the golden rule and went over to Phil’s house yesterday.

I went out of concern. As I drove in to his apartment compound, the only thing that was on my head was to console him.

Something terrible happened back home in LDN, and he needed someone to be there. His cell keeps on ringing, until at last he puts it on silent.

I bought dinner yesterday. Some of the satay he loved when we went over to a Malay congested stall, a bid to cheer him up. When I arrived, I was smelling of satay fumes. We had those meat on sticks with beer, and we sat close to each other at the balcony, holding hands, for the entire evening, until I have to drive back home.

Earlier today, he got on a flight back to the UK for a week. I sent him over to the airport, and he kissed me assuring me that he will come back, and to not worry.

I was thinking, I won’t and he shouldn’t act that way. It scares the daylight out of me.

I can see my wall going all the way up, as far as infinity.

“Have a safe trip Phil.”

Yah, the greatest feeling in the world is to find out that I really care about him as a friend and is able to detach myself from all unnecessary shameless emotional funk…

… these and all in my cartoon prints woolly socks.

The forgotten and a Ho

Bloody hell…

I forgot my purse and my PDA.

I could not even notice how light my hobo bag was today. I was rushing and I grabbed my Somerset Bay dress which was about a size bigger than my actual size.

Why you may ask? Because I was several KGs heavier back then and this dress I don’t have to waste some more time ironing, that’s why.

I am so not attractive today. Mucho2 frumpo. Plus, I feel like one of my limbs is missing. My PDA is my life! I was thinking of doing some online banking today but I can’t because all my usernames and passwords are in the frikkin’ PDA.

PFFFBBBBBBBHHTTTT!!

Then as I was driving on the highway to Senai, a frikkin’ SUV overtook me in a tasteless wreckless driver kind of way. If I haven’t pumped my breaks just in time, nescaya mulut bertemu dengan punggung (The cars’ la).

I don’t have the habit of honking people, unlike some friends I knew, so I made vulgar slurs, well nevermind that nobody knew about it, it’s all about self satisfaction is it not.

Blardy wank fucks! You anal jackass! You monkey titty ho! (It was another woman driver)

No wonder everybody thought us women drive like that. Being good drivers are totally unjustifiable! (Okeh, so maybe my parallel parking still sucks pussy but I don’t have to park that way unless I want to right?)

So I overtook it, in the same way, got honked at and proud of it. The Makcik (Wearing a tudung and all, not the attractive kind of Makcik, driving a Honda ‘Steam’,) didn’t look so happy.

How’d you like it now huh bitch? This CLK driver kicks ass okay??? (Don’t be misled. CLK-Cute little kancil.)

Saya berasa (Or merasa? Ugh… never mind) sungguh Gangsta Paradise today.

1pm… time for lunch… friend’s paying for me today… and looks like all those who wants to contact me will have to settle for the boring standard CELCOM voice mail.

Have a Great Tuesday babes!

Loners Do This

My fling, Phil came to an arrangement with me, he wants to see me, still, which I find very peculiar.

I was so ready to play bodo when he called, but yet I didn’t have the heart to. One is because he is really a good man to begin with, two, he cooks and three, he speaks to me with respect and patience.

He called from Jakarta, he had a one week conference. He said he called me because he was thinking about me. We have been incommunicado for almost 2 weeks now. I was in a good mood so I picked his call this time. I must have surprised him as his first response was a startled ‘Oh?!’

“Thought I won’t pick it up?” I asked followed by a chuckle from him.

I got to know that he has been spending his weekends alone, reading my blog and was glad that I am doing well on my own. He no longer goes to the pub where he first met me as often as he did, plus he said when he last went, all he was thinking of was the day I spoke to him.

I thought that was a wee bit, pitiful. I want him to go back to his life before I met him, when I didn’t exist when he doesn’t have to care about anybody. The way things are supposed to be.

But here’s the deal, I will continue to see him because sometimes I could be pathetically alone and when that happens I would think about BF(ex) and beat myself up over the thing which failed. He puts it as play pretend.

But only on the weekends, I told him.

So I picked him from the airport and made up, and he cooked my favorite vegan pasta and had it in front of the TV on the couch, toes touching under the blanket, I learnt how to pop open a bottle of cheap champagne that he has lying around the house and we had a bottle bubbly while watching Heroes.

Things we agree to for companionship. Things singles do to not be alone.

The life of a twenty something...

It's another cloudy day, perfect weekend to pig out (Laudry is calling out to me... cheh!)

Nappy head

I went to sleep at 5 am this morning.

The first time in months.

The last time was when I went clubbing with Anna and had to drag her ass to the mamak shop to get her a limau panas because she was dead drunk. She threw up at the side of the road and I had to ward off ‘muka tak siap mat rempits’ with a very hostile “Piss off fuckers!”.

Come to think of it now, I didn’t think that those people understood what I said.

Well, I am not going to try to hurl abusive language in Malay. Make me look stupid (Not intended as an attack to Sharifah Armani yea. For the record, I think she is a talented actress and not many actresses in Malaysia could be compared to her.)

I slept at 5 am yesterday because I was, for the first time in years, surfing the net. For porn & Hentai, blog hopping and talking to my friends who just woke up on the other side of the earth.

I woke up (officially) at 9.30 am, and decided to spend my weekend at home for a change. I need to do my laundry, clean my room and get everything straighten up. And now, I am so totally woozy in need of sleep.

Blog entry first, then sleep. (I have crazy ass inner voice.)

Post break up, I have been abandoning everything and the room is a mess. My jeans are hung at the side of the bed, my trusty water bottle has been empty for the past 4 weeks, and my desk is filled with trash and some receipts not meant for any parental figures to see (Heineken 2 botol, one bottle of JD and a bottle of Tequila at some pub named Gemme Drunk).

I am so sprung for spring cleaning.
--

Chat heads

I am not made for online chatting with strangers anymore.

For some reason, when I was 17 and MIRC was still considered a novelty rather than a memory accommodating software pest, chatting was a part of my agenda after school and sometimes even before school.

I seemed to think entertaining sickos with nicks like ‘HotSchlong’ and ‘Whitetitties’ was… well… amusing.

It was like a drug. I needed at least a jab every day.

After the recent thing that happened to me, I have been on the net more often that I would like to and it was mostly out of boredom.

I chatted more with my friends overseas, I even get to piss off some lame Yahoo chatters who wants to know my a/s/l.

Sicko : asl please?

Me : old/With you? No thank u/not playboy mansion

Sicko : Kul (as in cool in netspeak)

People who goes on random chats (Not my friends) are annoyingly dumb. There was once this dude who IM me and said that he wants to cum all over my face.

I replied; direct that limp hose of yours to your own gob. Take a picture and let me send to my friends working in Malay Mail or Metro. Make for a good case of demoralized Malaysians.

And as usual, the reply would always be;

Gob idiot : Kewl.

Aaarghh???!!

Now, I only chat with my friends and some bloggy friends on YM. I tried to minimize intellectually challenged people on my YM list.

Then again, I can only try…

--

My KL trip – Planning in Progress

Have I mentioned this in the blog? I guess not.

My last breather trip was to Malacca, I took a lot of (3 rolls of film? U betcha) pictures with my SLR and didn’t have time to scan it.

For my second breather, I want to go up to where no one that’s related to me would bump into me every 10 minutes in any of the malls, where nobody look at me if I decide to wear my long boho skirt with my tank top, where no one would wonder about the afro wrap on my head or if I want to go and get a tattoo on my cleavy (Which I am REALLY thinking of gettingà not a potential marriage material eh?).

The last time I was in KL was for a one day trip and there was no me time in between. Me and a couple of old friends went to Mid Valley (A waste of time, actually, because I don’t like that place) and then dinner at Le Marche @ The Curve with some sexy girlfriends (and boytoys??? Hahaha!) of mine.

And then that horrendous movie we caught at TGV. Spoiler to the whole night… because it sucked.

Oh and I did have difficulty getting around in One Utama, between the old wing and the new wing. How many wings do they have anyway? Last I heard another wing was supposed to open. Why can’t a mall be just a mall la dey!?

Can’t wait, can’t wait… heh!

--

Quote from Heroes – Scene – Simone proposing a toast to Peter Petrelli;

“To love… may we stay away from it when it’s no good to us!”

Cheers!

It is a grim Wednesday indeed

Senyum buat - buat

I start work today.

I had to head the department because my boss was not around. All of the bloody inquiry emails gue kena layan. It was supposed to be split evenly between the manager and the seniors (Including me). But because my colleague and boss is on leave for the whole week, I have to entertain all of it.

Gue sungguh bosan tahap maksima.

In case you are wondering , I am at the moment in the middle of a speak Malay spree. One of my friends even asked me if there was something wrong with me as I actually spoke a 20 Malay word sentence yesterday.

Cintailah Bahasa kita. Bahasa melambangkan bangsa, bangsa Malaysia ye bukan Melayu sahaja. Tak kiralah kalau Ghani Othman tak setuju, saya setuju.

What did I tell you, I seriously have to look into retuning my linguistic preference now.

I still suck at speaking proper Malay though. You will know when I speak Malay to the customers at work.

“Macammana Encik boleh dapat tahu tentang kita ek?” (It was supposed to be how did you get to know about us?)

Like????

Forget about the ‘ek’ part as it is almost compulsory for a Johorean to have that lingo but after sometime I told myself that the sentence was supposed to be;

“Bagaimana Encik dapat tahu tentang syarikat kami ya?”

Eh… shoot me as the best I could get for my STPM Malay was a full pass B grade. I did a mock STPM English Lit. test and got a full pass with a flying colored A. Mind you, I didn’t even sign up nor did I study for the mock English Lit. test!

Darneth thee Shakespeare dudeth!

Like how my friends would call me, Melayu Murtad because my tongue always got twisted when I spoke in Malay. Melayu Americano, another would call me. Blasted faggots.

Bukan salah ibu mengandung. Salah baca buku orang putih banyak sangat I say!
--
A friend sms me in the morning and it just hit me that I am a friggin’ drunkard in the making.

‘Ladies Night tomorrow @ Lush Bar see you there 8 PM. Got a bottle have to finish.’

Like seriously. Potential AA member?
--
Yesterday, I came across my old Uni debate team point flash cards.

The topic was that of racial integration. I was on the opposition side. No wonder we lost. I remembered telling Drake (He was the team leader back then. Oih? I remembered???) that I want to pass on the session but he insisted for me to go upfront.

I’d rather call them points as lame excuses. Lesson that Drake learnt when we lost to some pathetic team from another unknown uni, was that NEVER PUT A LIBERAL ON THE OPPOSITION SIDE as it yields disasterous results. Besides, the audience seemed to be on the proposing side rather than ours.

See, I told Drake not to let the ill lucked C to flip the coin.

--

It is a grim wednesday indeed, but on the upside, today is Heroes night. I am a closet junkie of ordinary people with superpowers. Bite me.

CNY weekend

This year, CNY was a bit, empty.

My aunt or Ah – Yi did not come to JB this year. Being that, we received our red packets in the form of some cash directly banked into my Mother’s account. For the record, I have not met my Aunt’s family for about three years. When they came over last year, I had to work and I had to miss their arrival and also their departure during the day trip.

The long weekend was spent at home. I was still very much tired from all the partying the weekend before and was actually looking forward to the rest.

I had the opportunity (and was also due to my parents’ insistence) to go over to my Grandpa’s ‘Kampung’ in Segamat. The area was one of the flood zones a month ago and since it was a long weekend, we have decided to do a two car convoy and pay them a visit.

Everything was already cleaned up. Life it seemed was already back to normal. They were the lucky ones, as they have two extensions to the house and the water didn’t reach the second higher extension of the ‘kampung’ house.

We the city folks got so excited at the sight of ripe rambutans (A type of local fruit; see picture below) on the tree and decided to gather it.

The weather was humid and it rained when we were leaving, about 3 hours after. It was tiring, but it is a trip worth making especially so during the super boring weekend.

Post Rambutan Eating, hair also like rambutan. If you notice the cracks on the wall, that was the height of the flood water a month ago which took about 3 weeks to recede.

And I managed to go out with a couple of my good friends too. These are the people who gave me support during those hard times. They believe in me and would never stop telling me that I am worth a lot more than what I give myself credit for.

Fi for an example believes that I should not be in JB and instead should be working for one of the big shots in Dubai.

Kak Neesa believes that I will do fine to follow my heart, and when things screw up, she will be there to at least make me feel better. She poured her heart out to me and I did the same.

Fi's chef pose

Concentrating on her Soy Jelly drink

Me and Kak Neesa

When Drama Queen and Drama King + Joker meet, we be dramatic

I want him to strip (Gosh! That's gotta be the widest grin of mine that was ever photographed)

We're good friends really really

Thanks peeps. I luf u looooong taim!

Picture taking courtesy of Kak Neesa, the Mamarazzi

BLURRY...

If you look at this long enough, you will realize that somethings are just not worth it...

I was a bit disturbed yesterday.

Not only was I disturbed, I was also disgusted.

I guess if it is one thing that I cannot live with, that will be the fact that I actually know a guy who thinks that way.

I found it both degrading to myself and to be honest, I was disappointed, in him. Because I really thought that he was different. And as a friend, I found myself questioning this friendship I have with him.

*Sigh*

I guess it was also because I have been deprived of beer for the whole day and has come up with a mini resolution to not intoxicate myself with alcohol for the coming few weeks (IF I could – la)
--
A friend of mine was recently diagnosed as HIV positive.

He was so devastated that he was thinking of jumping of a roof to end his life.

His girlfriend tested and was thank God determined as HIV negative.

For the past few years, he has been going on frequent overseas business trips.

The girlfriend, even though she was disappointed and frustrated over the whole thing, decided that she should be by his side, at least for now, because she believes that he needs help and support. At this point, he seemed confused and even though he is a self made man, is a broken man.

For now, she told me.

She couldn’t help but to cry, anyway. To find out a man she is so in love with cheated on her was nevertheless a bitter pill to swallow.

This got me thinking.

Say, if it’s the girlfriend who fooled around and contracted the deadly disease, would the boyfriend be as sympathetic, empathic and supportive as how she is now.

I and another girlfriend talked about it, and she shook her head and said no.

Women will always relent in relationships. She is also always the first one who notices things. She will also always be the one who forgives.

She will never be forgiven, but will always be the one who is blamed.

I thought that was suffocating but grimaced at the truth of the whole thing.

We at the losing end?

Arrested Development

Sarcy’s not maternal, and that is it. Sarcy is not family oriented either and would rather spend her time alone than with her family.

That is a fact.

Subconsciously, when I told the many exes I had that all I wanted was a long term relationship with no promise of a marriage whatsoever was because I don’t want to be in any position to have a kid or a family.

And it’s not that the idea of someone who is willing to go down on their knees pleading with a diamond ring doesn’t appeal to me, but I am beginning to think that I will not have the chance of going through all that like how other women would.

As for my maternal instincts, I have had experiences whereby I happened to be in touch with it. Overwhelming hormonal imbalance made me think about having a baby, even getting married and be a housewife, sometimes. Thankfully, that selfish, arrogant and repulsive side of me comes knocking just in time to wake me up.

See, I grew up tending to my younger siblings. I cooked for them, iron their uniforms and during those times when they were still potty training, I will always be the one who my Mum would shout at to make sure that everything is taken care of. Since both of my parents were working, I was the one who had to make sure that everything was taken care of at home, lest I want a good scolding from my Mum for not getting things done. Though, I would get one even when everything was done.

At the age of 12, I begin to wonder why was my life different from my classmates who had it all easy and why didn’t I have the luxury to not be shouted at half of the time. I was never cuddled, was never hugged and was never kissed. When I did get that kind of attention from my aunts, I felt awkward and would usually move away.

As a result of that, I was aching to get out of the house. At the age of 15, I went away to a boarding school, much to my Mum’s disapproval and when I reached 19, I moved to KL and stayed there for 4 years. I came back because I decided on becoming a part of them.

It is not working.

I do love my family, but we are different. I don’t think like they do, and I like my privacy. Mine is not so much dysfunctional because I think I am actually the dysfunctional one in the family. I am unable to connect with them, my flesh and blood.

Sometimes I told myself that if I am ever going to have kids, (Or one), I will not treat them the way I was treated, in hopes that things would turn out to be different. I would not want to make another me.

Sometimes, I would just decide to not have any, save me the unnecessary pain.

Most times, I would just leave it to God. Whatever goes.

Post V-Day

*Conversation overheard during solo beer round*

Girl : Am I pretty?

Guy : Uhhuh *eyes looking at me*

Girl : Then where is my Valentine’s Day gift? *Whine… whine… gedik… gedik*

I was thinking… soooo… that’s how men like their women to be.

Honestly, I thought the main reason why I think my relationship went bust was because I was not whiney enough. That teamed together with the fact that I don’t own people well and also that I like being an individual and refused to be subdued to the whole idea of what a girlfriend should be, according to BF(ex).

The sex was good though, I must admit. Not like every time, but on the whole, generally, it was GOOD.

My Valentines was spent at home, with my two cats, watching TV from 6.30 PM till 10.00 PM. I retired to my room afterwards and read a book before I snoozed off to Lala land.

No presents, no roses, no dinner and no sex. Tried calling TheFling but he was out with some friends and I can’t help but to feel disgusted at myself and the rest of my girlfriends who preferred to stay at home because;

1) We were too tired from work.
2) It’s a work night and we are not up for flirting of any degree.

I know, lame excuses innit?

*Sarcy typing and bitching away… one day after VDay… furious and horny... STILL!!!*

FRAT SISTER

I know;

About a guy friend who keeps naked pictures in his digital camera of his ex (He also SHOWED it to me. Thank God I was woozy and loaded with alcohol then)

About a guy friend who hates it when his girlfriend moans in ecstasy because he knew for sure that the woman was faking it (and so proceeded to bite her c**t just to wake her up.)

I guess it comes with being the only woman friend that they could speak honestly and without inhibitions to.

I have been ‘one of the guys’ eversince I could remember. From being one of them, I found out that most men keeps the real ‘them’ to a selected few females whom they trust, and I just happened to be one of them. They confided in me about sex, told me of their hopes and fears and introduced me to their girlfriend just to know what I think about them.

Being that I am ‘one of the guys’, I was more than welcomed to join them in their fratboy rituals. Beer sessions at the cheapo Chinese Restaurant at some Ghetto area (Think Sentosa and Century Garden, Johoreans would get what I mean), pool, and the occasional fag hustling at Jalan Dhoby. Vulgar words are a regularity and life would not be life without at least ending a phrase with a nonchalant most charming ‘Fuck’.

Just because of this, I love to be ‘one of the guys’. They never said ‘Get that piece of meat, girl!’ and smack me on the bum when I make my move to talk to a guy I like at a bar, but they make me feel like I am someone, at least in their life, someone with whom they could let it out with, someone who they trust.

And no offense to all my girlfriends, but strangely when I am with my guy friends, I wasn’t feeling like anyone of them bitched about me behind my back.

(Though recently one of them slipped that they actually discussed about the kind of guy that would suit me when I was not around. He did say it was ‘totally coincidental’ and it was only because one of them was asking about how I was doing).

They also asked me if I want them to beat up BF(ex) for me. I said no, I mean, what good would it do to me, and besides, I only want the best for him, even though I won’t forgive him for what he’s done to me. Weird ay?

So cheers all you symphonic farting and burping mateys! I know you lot don’t do blogs but be known that you are at least mentioned in this one.

A drunk post

I didn’t realize it was the eve of Vday until an unknowing colleague asked me how would I be celebrating it.

“So you keluar dengan Boyfriend ke?” *Giggle… giggle*

For God sakes, is that the only objective that you have in life? To have someone as insignificant as your average speck to give you overpriced candies and flowers? --> Went my inner bitchings.

I would like to apologize in advance to all those who celebrates this pagan ritual but that was exactly how I felt about the whole thing. I grinned and shook my head and told this colleague of mine that I don’t have anyone to spend it with and that I don’t DO Vday.

As I am a quarter intoxicated now and that I am a good one hour behind my bedtime, I guess the right thing for you readers to do is to forgive me, you reckon? Hehe…

I’ll be back with something better to read about tomorrow, when I am sober. :P

The night I did I a big no – no

My birthday was celebrated quietly.

Days before, that was on Friday, I accompanied a press friend, let’s just call him by his official ‘Nama Timangan’ (Nickname) SissyPoo (just because he could not handle hot food) at Lush and had jugs of beers. He was sick, and I was overactive. We stayed out until 3.00 am and I had a sound sleep, the first in weeks.

The next morning, SissyPoo once again called me for lunch at an Indian restaurant in Perling, together with a friend of his, Bryan. For the record, despite the slow service and the non – smiling waiters, the food was fabulous and it was air – conditioned.

It was the eve of my birthday and strangely I did not feel like I want to do anything. I went to sleep around 8.30 PM (Yeap!) and it was 9.30 PM when Anna called asking me what my plans were like. I said I didn’t feel like doing anything so she asked me to drag my ass off the bed, get ready and that she will bring me out.

I had a great time, there were only 3 of us but we made the most of it. There was the whole Flaming Lamborghini drama and I realized even though I do not have many friends here in JB, I have those that I could count on.

The next day, I received a birthday text from a long time ex, one that I have not called for almost a year until the recent thing with me and BF(ex) happened. I called to ask him if I was arrogant during those days when we were together and now, we are in contact again.

I don’t think that it is good, but I need to know the truth, have I always been arrogant? Have I always been uncaring.

So on my birthday he took me out for a couple of beer treats and we talked, about everything. When he dropped me home, I kissed him.

I KISSED him, like really KISSED him. With the tongue and all.

Maybe it was the beer talking, maybe it was just that I have not kissed anyone for the longest time, maybe I was just horny, who knew, but I KISSED him.

It was a mistake.

One that I am NEVER going to repeat.

STUPID!

1 day before Birthday -- ahh DRATS!

Okla peeps. I’ll spare you the drama with my therapist and all today.

Today, 1 day before the dreaded Birthday.

The Peeps aka 'The We Are So Stressed, We Need Beer Clan' (Except Rin-la)

Yesterday, I went out with the rest of my beautiful friends, a table full of babes and one thorn among the roses. We were chilling out at Lush, the latest bar to hit town. They play the likes of Jamie Cullum, Diana Krall and Ray Charles (Can’t believe when I heard ‘Hit The Road Jack’ last night!). Everything was so new that even the beer tastes plasticky and new-ish. We did ask the waiter to change our funny tasting beer.

It is normal for the conversation on the table to go from things at work to dumb things like figuring out what ‘ikan kurau’ is called in English.

Rin talked about the latest major no – no her management has done to her, that is to give her short notice of giving up her office which she has been in for the past 3 years to a fresh graduate whose only experience in working has been an internship with 8TV.

Me and my Sista... Rin

I know what it’s like in 8TV. They are pretty much running around unorganized themselves, so to brag about having worked with them is a waste of time.

I was known, in this ex company of mine to be one of the bitches with a killing tongue. I am sarcastic, and that paired together with my ‘arrogant’ look, is enough to intimidate people. I told Rin, if I am the one who’s ‘teraniaya’ (Mistreated) like that, I would surely kick a fuss and make the so called ‘Executive’s’ life a living hell.

It is time, I thought, for Rin to move on. Like me… hehe…

It was great catching up with friends and just, talk. Anna knew about what has been going on with me lately, but she didn’t ask me a lot of things about that. Besides, she hated BF(ex) and was only too glad that we broke up. Awi too has been anticipating us to end it a long time ago. For some reason, I have ignored all the signs coming from my dear friends all along. See – la how blind we could get when we are in ‘so – called’ love.

Enough about that. Since my birthday is coming, I have made it a point to do a list of things for me to achieve from then onwards;

Final glass, final jug, and not drunk... but enough to knock my lights out in bed later hehe..

1) Save money for new car – Sarcy is a working girl, no funding whatsoever from parents or anyone else. She has been on her own eversince forever actually.

2) Move out from family house after buying new car – Sarcy treasures her privacy. She is very different from the rest of the people in that house and therefore would do better when not in their company.

3) Pursue degree (officially and seriously) in Journalism – Writing has always been in her blood eversince she was small and being that she was the only one in her 4th grade to read Tolstoy’s War & Peace-->am such a geek eh? <-- it is only something that she has to do.

4) Stop paying bald therapist – ay?:)

5) Treasure friends and family more – Saya sudah bertaubat. Saya tak akan buat lagi. (Iloosely translated; I have repented, I will never be a dumb ass anymore)

I am the Xanax generation-2 days till Feb 11th... :P

I got my prescription of ‘happy pills’ yesterday evening. No, it’s not E but more like Xanax.

Back then, it used to be packs of Prozac. That, according to my therapist, is like the great great grandma of anti depressants. Heh… I managed to do a sheepish smile.

“You are smiling. That is good, Sarcy!”

I felt like strangling the middle aged man who seemed to be so upsy all the time. He is anyway, a therapist, who banks in on people’s depression and abnormal emotional problems right? What more could be better than that?

“So tell me, what has been going on with you for the past couple of weeks?”

“Well, I dismissed a fling. And then there were all these dreams, of my ex sleeping with the other bitc… I mean… woman, of him crashing into another car and all those morbid stuff, I guess.”

“You are still unable to forgive him?”

(What is this, Dr. Phil’s session?)

“I guess so. Well he did leave me you know. He said I am not independent and all that yakabout when he knows that all I need is time. Just because I am 28 and I still live with parents (OMG, I am 28 and still living with parents!) does not mean I am not independent! I mean, I have you, a therapist right? How can anyone who is not independent do that? He split… just like that. Abandon, more like it.”

“Hmm… so what about this fling fellow?”

“Phil? He is nice in a fling – ish kind of way, but I would like to get rid of all things testosterone in my life now.”

“Do you hate your ex?”

“I would rather not talk about him right now.”

“Hate consumes you. It’s not good. Not to sound all biblical and all, but it does.”

As if I don’t know that.

“Your birthday is coming.”

Yeah… rub it in baldy.

“So what do you plan to do?”

“Get drunk.” (Didn’t I do that yesterday?)

The session gets stranger each time I stepped into that room, it will always start with the doctor telling you about clinical depression and why some times he would not want to give medication. After that he would start to stroll into your life story to ‘get to the root of the problem’.

Here is a complete stranger who knows more things about me than my closest buds. Get this, I am paying him by the hour to know more things about me.

I wished I could just ask for my prescription everytime I visit this therapist of mine so that I don’t have to have a session with the short Chinese guy who speaks with an accent. But it seemed that they will only give the meds after the session.

I must have been in really bad shape, because he gave me heavier dosage of Xanax than before. That and also 10 sleeping pills, because I told him I am having difficulties sleeping at night, especially when I am not drinking. Hallelujah!

“Noone likes an alcoholic.” He said, smiling.

Yeah… No one likes therapists and since this is my second time having one, I am still figuring out why do I need something that I don’t like.

Pre-Birthday Ramblings; 3 days until 'IT'

Hours spent in front of the lap top – 12 .

Hours spent sitting lotus style at one corner of the room – 5.

Having an article approved from the fickle minded editor friend without having to get laid (Goodness me, I AM NORMAL AFTERALL!!) – PRICELESS.

Sarcy was, for a brief moment, out of her brooding mood and came up with a fairly feminist, funny, and feel good motivational article. Not too bad considering Sarcy is overwhelmed with pessimism for the past few months.
--
Eh… I do have a life, okeh? Just that you guys don’t see it.

I just thought, it was about time I shared it with someone and that person screwed it up, therefore, I am seen as someone that doesn’t have one.

So, if to ;

SHARE YOUR LIFE = NOT HAVING A LIFE

I think I would be better off not sharing it with anyone.

This was my short and sweet email to Mabes, one of my great friends whom I don’t think I will get to see in a long time.

Sarc,

Then what about Phil Da Fling? He sounds nice?

This was her email this morning upon signing into my Gmail.

I replied;

Mabes,

He is a FLING. Geddit. Don’t call me. Sarc is gonna be inaccessible until Sunday morning 10.00 am.
--

I AM HAPPY

I AM NOT ANGRY

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM INTELLIGENT

I AM SMART

My Mantra that I stick on to my dresser to be chanted every morning.

Yeah… keep telling yourself that Sarc. It might drive you to hell one day.
--
On being driven…

The last time I felt really inspired to do something was during my KL days.

I was driven to find a job, I was driven to make RM9k at one kill, I was driven to do everything I wanted to do back then.

The only thing I wasn’t driven to do was to settle down. I rejected lots of nice guys, foiling their attempts to know me and ended up with an expat who seems to enjoy shredding my heart and pride to pieces.

I know some women who enjoy the company of people who hurt them. I dread to think that I could be one of them.

This expat called me sometime last year. All I said to him was go to fucking hell.

To have my drive back, I need to make a u-eey and speed off from the sorry state that I am currently in.

Regrets, plenty. Motivation, a bit. Hope, it’s not high, but it’s efficient enough to fuel me throughout what’s remaining of my life now.
--
Phil,

I know you are reading my blog now. I would have to consider changing my URL again then.

Thanks for your email. As sweet as it sounds, I don’t think it’s a go for the both of us, even as flings.
In this condition, I am more prone to hurting your feelings, to the extent of putting you down constantly because I see it as a chance for me to do what my ex has done to me.

Retributional acts, unfair ones, you might say.

That can’t be good to a man’s ego can it? I need to deflate yours to inflate mine.

Thank you for the book, The Pursuit of Happiness. I will always treasure it. Maybe our paths will cross each other’s again. Maybe not.

Either way, I am fine with it.

You can call me a Drama Queen, you can call me whatever. I know there’s someone out there who fits you better. Someone taller, someone prettier, someone who is not so fucked up.

Cheers!

Your EX Fling, Sarcy.

A peculiar email

Dearest Sarc,

I found your blog, by chance.

I was told by someone that you have one, some kid at that café we went to.

I know why you don’t want to let me into your life that much. I know why you snapped when I went over to you to hold you, I know why you shrug me off when I want to have a conversation with you.

Believe me, if I could turn back that bloody clock for you so that you will never meet the man who broke your heart, I would.

But a broken heart calls for healing. You should give way to that.

And for now, I hope that you would answer your phone. I have been trying to get you from yesterday.

I would be your bastard, if you want it that way. Take it out on me, if you want it that way. :P

Kisses and Hugs,

‘Phil the Fling’

--

2124 hours, and my phone is still on flight mode. I am sorry Phil.

Random thoughts-4 days before the birthday.

I came up with a conclusion last evening while having my alcohol fix at Coffee Trap yesterday.

That I am happier single. That I am happier when I don’t care.

So that said, I am going to be happier, single and uncaring.
--

I lost a whopping 3 kg for last week alone!

It could be due to me not having breakfast and dinner nowadays. I would prefer to go straight to sleep after my shower at night not before chatting with friends on my laptop. My friend sent me a job vacancy with one of the huge organizations in KL.

Dear Babe,

You might want to give this a try. We need someone like you here in KL.

Consider it please.

Hugs and Kisses, Cher.

I would have applied, except that my contract tenure here has not expired yet.
--
Yesterday was not one of my good ones. One of my articles was rejected because it was too ‘politically’ controversial that it might give space for a lawsuit. I told the editor of the magazine I am currently free lancing for that I am in no state of mind to come up with a ‘happy’ article right now. I am brooding and I am emotionally a mess.

“Go get laid and then come up with something good.” She said, jokingly.

Am I so slutty that I would need a good fuck to come up with a ditzy happy feel good article?

I feel so dirty and perverted all of the sudden.
--
Phil, my fling, called me up during my solo beer session. He was in Singapore for a meeting for the whole week, and according to him, he was thinking of me, and the things I said during our weekend rendezvous.

“Like not calling me all the time? Let me warn you that if you don’t stop all this calling me on weekdays I am going to stop taking your phone calls altogether.”

“Don’t take it out on me just because your last relationship was fucked up Sarc. I am just trying to be there for you. You don’t want to keep on thinking about the bugger right? I bet he is not even thinking of you right now. He will not be concerned even if you decided to jump down a roof because of him. He’s got a new bitch, and you have got yourself a new bastard, if that’s what you would like me to be. Just face that fact.”

… or something like that rather… there was a whole lot more words than I remembered to put up there but I thought that the words that I used pretty much summed up everything he meant to say.

I guessed, I must have sounded harsh. I did feel that tinge of guilt having put him down like that, but I don’t want to think about it further. A man, or a bastard is not on my agenda right now. He would be better off without me, and I would be better off without him.

He didn’t call me back, and I didn’t call him.

Time to either go celibate or go find another weekend fling.

Jinxed January, Fucked February

Sometime end of January;

I had brushes with cancer a lot.

Most of the time I decided to keep it to myself. This includes those many times during my bimonthly check up when my gynae told me that they have found a lump in my breast. I went back with a heavy heart. I would be kept in suspense for about 18 hours or so before I am told that it was benign.

I went for my usual check up yesterday. I took a longer lunch break. My gynae, Dr. Lim as usual greets me with her smiling eyes and we proceed to do some standard tests.

One would recognize the look on their gynae’s face when something is amiss.

“I need to run some tests. I can feel a lump here (Pressed the area just slightly beneath my left breast).

I looked at her, silently alarmed. I did not say anything. It was a look the gynae must have recognized as the ‘I am gonna die.’ look.

“Don’t worry. I’ll have the test confirmed tomorrow.”

I took off from work early and decided to drive all the way to Permas Jaya to have a bottle of beer. It was one those nooks me and BF (ex) used to frequent. But I was thinking about my condition more than I was thinking about my recent flop of a relationship.

A couple of expats were giving me the eye, but I gave them the ‘piss off, I am not interested’ look. I am always up for a conversation but yesterday was not one of them days.

After that, I went on driving rampage, all the way to Stulang and contemplated on going to TGIF but I was scared that I might bump into BF(ex) with the new bitc… I mean… woman and so I took the long way home, going through Dhoby Street and Waterworks.

I was alone, and I was scared, and there was nobody close enough for me to turn to (Like usual). It was times like these that I truly wish that I am in KL.

I have changed a lot in the past few weeks. The experience has been harrowing and traumatic, between being totally alone to discovering that I might have breast cancer at a young age. I wish I was someone else, and somewhere else.

My Gynae called me this morning around 11.45 am. I couldn’t stop shaking from the moment I woke up, probably in anticipation of worst things to come.

It was not cancerous.

I heaved a sigh of relief when I heard of the result. It was one of those tricks my body decided to pull on me.

Maybe after this, even though I am still struggling to cope with all the things that happened throughout the jinxed month of January 2007 (and I am guessing it will remain that way in February as well) I would be able to see things in a different light.

I can’t stop myself from crying still, and every so often I would just sit at some bar looking at couples who looked as though they are in love with each other.

I must have looked like that. WE must have looked like that.
--
I cut my thumb today, by accident, and as I sucked the blood from it quietly at the bathroom sink, it dawned to me that if Trey was around, he would kick a big fuss over it.

I wondered how it would be like had I stayed with him still.
--
February, 7 days before my birthday;

I made a list of things that I don’t like about BF (ex) when I was at my new fling’s house (Yes, Sarcy’s got a new fling… someone who is fuckable with no strings attached.)

My Fling, let me just call him Phil, looked at the list and asked me as he stroke my hair and kissed my forehead;

“Then why were you with this bugger in the first place?”

And I went, Ha’ah eh? Why-la? Aloud. For one, the ‘Orang putih’ next to me is never going to understand my very local exclamation.

I should have gotten rid of him a long time ago. But as usual, as corny and depressing as it might have sounded, I was blind to everything to notice it. But I have to admit, he did spoil me to bits. That was why I fell in love with him. And as stupid as it sounds now, I am STILL in love with him.

I turned to Phil and asked, jokingly;

“YOU… Mr. Big Shot Engineer is not gonna do anything stupid and call me like, all the time will you? I will only have time for you on the weekends.”

It was that look that he had on his face that scared me, to the extent of giving a lame excuse that I had to go and drive home at that very moment.

As a matter of fact, It wasn’t just that look.

It was the kiss on my forehead and on my eyes, the way he hugged me from behind and how he smiled when he turned up with the brunch he cooked on a tray especially for me who was still lying on the bed on that Saturday morning.

For someone with whom I have recently just got to know for two weeks, it was starting to feel as if another 'relationship' was already in the works.

And, I can't let that happen.

Phil called me that night, I was getting ready to go out with friends for a beer session.

“Are we meeting up tomorrow? It is still the weekend.”

“I’ll keep you updated on that. I might have to go out with some old friends tomorrow. Bye.”

He must have thought that I am some cold hearted bitch to lay him off like that.

Don’t get me wrong. He is sweet, and I would not say that he is not my type either. He is made, he is humble, he respects people, he reads and it was partly his huge (…) collection of books that turned me on in the first place, he looks good and he smells nice (Yeah, I am just shallow like that) but It’s just that it has been too dramatic for me to even start over.

Never in hell or heaven would I repeat my mistakes of being too involved with a man anymore. I am not going to let anyone have the chance to walk all over my limp heart ever again.

Why would I want to be accused of having some kind of pride that I never knew I had, to be told very rudely that I don’t own him just because I asked where he was at that moment, and that I am repulsive, again, when I had nothing but love and support for him?

The scars run deep. I can’t quite get over it yet. It will take a fucking long time for it to heal.
--
5th February, 2007, 5 days until my birthday;

One thing that I still had to laugh off was how BF(ex) told me that he never meant to hurt me. Right… as if.

I laughed about it this morning, on my drive to work.

The guy next to my car must have thought I was crazy for laughing alone.

Walk with us

I blog because I want to let everything out in the open in the most discreet way possible.

Hence, the nickname that proved to be redundant as my face is sometimes plastered all over the site.

Like everyone else in blog Lala-land, I follow the NST VS Bloggers lawsuit, almost, religiously, if you can put it that way.

Its funny how one time ago, blogging is considered to be one of those activities that only the geeks and teens with a lot of time on their hands fastidiously do, and now, a couple of bloggers are actually sued for having (And also writing – la) one.

On Rocky, the first time I met him was way back in year 2004 (Or was it 2005?) we were introduced formally, and after that because I am one of those ‘tiny anchovies’ that the big fishes would not make an effort to even prey on, I think it’s safe to assume that I was pretty much non – existent to the big shot editor. I met him during the launch of Malay Mail’s Southern edition, which one year later was ‘defunct’, in a lack of a proper word.

We now receive backdated issues. Actually, I am now wondering if we still do actually receive it.

I never knew what Rocky or his namesake, Ahiruddin Atan is really like in person, but I personally loved his then weekly column, ‘Rocky’s Bru’.

I kept in touch with one of the people I got to know from the function and after our last phone conversation which took an entire 24 months to materialize, I wondered why didn’t I even ask him about the case.

I remembered (vaguely) reading about an article in NST about how the Chinese Government is looking to ban certain bloggers who were daring enough to criticize the country’s policies and leaders one time ago. I remembered (Also very vaguely) thinking how lucky we bloggers are in Malaysia because never in my dreams, then, anyway, would I expect a defamation lawsuit to be filed against one of us.

Hey, I have been wrong about a lot of things. My life, my capabilities, men, love, so what makes me right in politics?

I am not into politics, I am as political as a ‘Kambing’ (goat) is to bathing. But I do make an effort to know some of the controversies happening in the country. My press correspondences who shall forever be unnamed make sure that I get my daily dosage of national juicy gosses.

As ‘unpolitical’ as I am, I still do very much believe in the freedom of speech. I still lack the courage, to blog under my own name (which is largely reasoned towards me having a fairly long and old fashioned name) and to write about things that for once, matters, but nevertheless, Bloggers Unite, Walk With Us. :)