Baggage

I have a strange... umm... opinion... about dating and relationships.

I tend to overanalyze when it comes to these things. I wanted to end things first if I have the first gut instinct that the person I date would like to... not date anymore.

It's this... ego thing.

After having my ego trampled and suppressed for years, it is something of an accomplishment... nay... victory... for me to get my ego back.

It's either I break it off first or my ego becomes the stamp on somebody's shoes.

Plus, I am not good at dating more than one person too.

I realized now that I have always been putting all my eggs in one basket, hence, the expectations.

I am supposed to go and date someone who was introduced to me by a friend. Well... I might be going on that date.

But because I am currently going out on dates with the Scotsman, I don't somehow think, it is appropriate for me to go off having coffee with another guy, making assessments and making them... like me.

I feel like I am ... cheating. On. Someone.

Bear in mind that the Scotsman, has his own reservations, and I have my own.

For a start, I don't feel that the Scotsman is all serious about me. I am not letting him tear down my wall... because I don't feel it is safe for me to do so.

Never mind that he would be the first person to tell me that I have sensual lips, dark eyes, a great smile and a smart ass  brain.

Well, great smile and a brain I have gotten before. Sensual lips and dark eyes, not so much.

I tend to look at the big picture.

Big picture : I want to feel comfortable with someone, and at the same time having no disturbing gut feelings about having to leave the bugger first before he leaves me/decides that he no longer wants to impress me.

I think, I am insane. No doubt. My insanity had been known to gain me both friends and lovers.

Trey for an example, loved me for my insane conviction to life.... way back when... I was fat by 10 kilos, can barely afford a bottle of Loreal foundation and the idea of putting on eye shadow is another way to instantly kill me slowly --- Oxymoronic... yeap.

Present picture :

I would be intentionally do an extra round of circuit training just so my mind wouldn't think of work/personal life. I would, at very dark times, drive around like a bat out of hell, sometimes stopping at the side of the road, at 4 am in the morning, crying with my hands holding the steering wheel.

I have a friend who has a loving a fiancee, been together for 7 years, who believes that things can go wrong for her anytime.

I am ashamed but at the moment, sometimes I feel that.

I am much too shattered to allow someone to make sense of myself.

I have been told that I am smart, I am sassy, I am sexy, independent, gutsy and all that bullshit.

And yes, I would definitely create an excuse / reason to dump someone or for someone to all of the sudden think that he willl have to dump me.

And then I will go back to my own life, burying myself with work and dumping judgment on men who tries to make sense of ... me...

I am a moron.

Thoughts #2

Maybe ... I should just... sleep it off.

Yes. That's what I am going to do.

You know that feeling of uncertainty, irritating bullshit, analytical crap that gets to you.

Work, personal, whatever.

It is getting to me.

I still need to get used to this.

Can't help it. I have trust issues.

A thought?

Does age really matter?

Like... does it really matter?

So if you happen to connect with someone who is, like... 16 years older than you, divorced. Should you let that be in the way?

Divorce is common nowadays. Irreconcilable differences, etc.

People get divorced at the age of 25 and no one would give a flying fuck anymore.

But the question is, and remains, does it still matter?

Should we assume that once you are divorced, time stops, and nothing will ever happen in your life anymore?

I have come to terms that even if I get married someday, it might not be happily ever after. Maybe I would be one of the high divorce percentage stats in Malaysia.

So should we avoid marriage altogether, or give it a go?

The Date brought that up.

'Our age difference, do you think it would be a problem?'

I answered that age is just that, age. It doesn't mean anything. At least to me.

I know 50 year olds who still hang out at bars and clubs downing beer every night, looking for game.

I know 20 year olds who are responsible and whose lives are more organized than most 30 year olds.

So what is age, really? I have witnessed first hand, having girlfriends my age who bail out from work just because they are frustrated with the system at work and/or the management after only 6 months.

I recognized the importance of having at least a commendable resume with at least 2 years on a job, even IF the management were racist bastards.

And I was 25 at that time.

So does age, really... matter? Really?

Not that The Date and I are going anywhere, for now... but it just got me thinking.

The Date

How do I start...

First of all, the date took place at Pavilion.

I don't usually go to Pavilion  a lot, for a couple of reasons :

a) The traffic. It can kill... me.

b) I get distracted by the designer labels there. I tend to buy stuff. Although I like the whiff of new leather smell, I would prefer to not use my credit card. Not when I have joyfully spent almost RM 800 worth of make up (and a dress).

+c) Plus... I always get lost when it comes to finding my car in Pavilion. And I am almost always made fun of this.

But, I guess, I am being both gracious and ... adventurous. I was taking a chance.

The Date was (is) a Scottish man. It had been maybe, 6 years since I said yes to dating a white guy.

The last white guy  I dated was a cocky English bastard. I guess, that turned me off from dating white guys from then onwards.

I am taking my chance with a Scotsman. What do I have to lose?

He is older than me, with a charming Scottish accent, a generous hug and kiss on the cheeks.

The first thing that I noticed was his perfume. I am not kidding when I said I have a 'thing' with good smelling men. Plus point numero uno.

And you know how it's like when you are genuinely comfortable in each other's company? That was what happened. It was a two way conversation between the two of us. He has greyish blue ish eyes and sense of humor.

He stood up when I excused myself to the ladies. On this, he said, it is good manners, one that he had been taught from when he was a boy.

I find that... nice. I know deep inside, women are bullshitting when we are saying that we don't need our men to be chivalrous. We are cupcakes, we will forever be cupcakes.

I was expecting the date to go badly, so I was ready to have dinner with Krishna afterwards. But we forgot the time and suddenly the date and I were on our way to dinner at Bangsar.

To have passed the first phase, basically the whole one hour and a half without me coming up with sarcastic remarks were incredible enough, to have advanced to dinner, was... miraculous!

We talked about everything, even religion, and thankfully, he didn't yak about his exes or what he has.

What I found out to date : He goes to the gym, he smokes (Not heavily), he smells good, and he, like me, is painfully honest... straight up sarcastic when he needs to be, at work.

Owh... and he is a workaholic as well. This means that if we 'work', he won't be pissed off mad at me for spending the amount of time I am spending right now on work, and vice versa.

But we are both agreeing on taking it slow. Go with the flow. See where it will take us.

I said yes to a third date (I met up with him again on Monday ... long story.).

I think I should date more. ;)

??????!

The last time I was out on dates was, 2 and a half years ago.

I am not fucking kidding.

Needless to say, those dates didn't go well. From the pretentious yuppy to the lawyer who had a death grip on his exes, I was doomed to endure 2 hours of mental torture.

6 times. With different yuppies, lawyers and overpaid executives.

The result? I would rather torture myself physically by undertaking circuit training at the gym. At least, I get skinnier.

I sort of found someone online. (This would be the perfect time for me to dig a hole in the ground and start burying my entire head in). Needless to say, he is not local.

Funny but somehow, I can actually take his approach. When it comes to online dating (Egad!), there are a few things that, tick me off.

1) When someone messaged me and said 'Hi. You are beautiful'. How stupid can someone be? No Idea. Me beautiful? Sure. I know people get horny but heck no need to LIE!

2) When someone messaged me using multiple abbreviations  in a sentence.

3) When someone messaged me with 'a/s/l?'... what are we? In kindergarten?

4) When someone messaged me and even from the message, the person seemed to come on too strong. WTF?

5) When the picture on the profile shows too much skin (be it tight pecs or saggy busoms).

6) When the picture on the profile shows anything else other than a human being.

So this guy, seemed decent enough to not make stupid jokes, to not make horrendous typos, to not sound like a juvenile adult. We exchanged numbers and we talked for over 1 hour on the phone. I actually 'liked' talking to him. He was funny and ... interesting. At the end of the conversation, he requested that if I decided that I didn't like him on the phone, to text him with an honest statement indicating my lack of interest in him.

So that we would be able to not waste time.

For a minute there, I thought I was going soft!

We then set up a date.

That was last weekend.

But I was flabbergasted, I was fidgeting. I was... in a word :

SCARED.

Consider this for a second.

I have been single for almost 3 years. All my past relationships were nightmares, almost all of the relationships I had, ruined me.

I have so far, succeeded in gathering what's left of my dignity, and move on.

I was happy to reject those I dated before because I didn't actually 'like' them.

And here I am, 'liking' this person. This person who I never actually met in real life!

I don't like it. I have a problem with it. I feel like life is screwing around with me again.

Fuck.

So I was putting it off. The date asked me if I am able to meet him at Pavilion. I told him that I had gym and might not have the time.

Krishna was nagging me to oblivion when I told him about it. And so, wanting to get it over and done with, I told The date that I am ok to meet him afterall.

And then I had to send my car to the workshop when the engine light came on.

We rescheduled. But really, I was relieved. I was glad that it didn't happen.

Thousands of things went riot in my head. As you can make out by now, I don't like people easily, much less men I don't know. So when something weird like this happened, I don't know how to handle it.

The only way I know how is to run the fuck away.

I am no stranger to unrequited interest. I know how it feels like to care / like / worst, love someone who doesn't see me the way I see him. Case in point, NSA.

It was not fun. It pulled my pride and ego and sucked me into the black hole that was depression.

And then God, of all things pulled me back standing on my two feet last Sunday and told me, after he spiritually slap me at the back of my head :

"IT IS JUST A DATE, STUPID. I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO MARRY HIM."

I went, ok. Just a date.

So let's see what happen then. It is, just a stupid date.

Do you want that hot body? Do ya? Do ya?


Then one will have to know that there would be no gain without fucking pain.

The first day I did this circuit military training at the gym, I felt like dying.

The second day, it wasn't so bad. The third day, I was well into the advanced stage.

People asked me sometimes why am I so into all this work out shit. Why do I advocate healthy living and why do I tolerate the risk of twisting my wrist in attempting arm balance yoga moves.

It used to be because I want to be able to make my ex boyfriends bite their own fingers and do the 'Hubba hubba hubba.... I am a fucking idiot... hubBA'

And then it was just because I actually enjoyed it. I love the adrenaline rush and the fact that my body suddenly just decided to behave itself and shrink.

Now, I am just trying to prove to myself that even if I am diagnosed with an irreversible disease, I know that I have done all I can to take care of myself.

At 32 and single, the probability of me dying without getting married is there. I may look hot, I may have smaller hips, but those ain't going to get me a man even if I put on a sandwich board saying 'Will wash car/pay your bills/wear tacky lingerie with crotchless panties for a relationship.'

But who am I kidding. Deep inside, I really am just this egotistical bitch who would rather bite her lips, cross her legs at the sight of a gorgeous guy.

Take that guy in One Utama earlier for an example. He is someone I would definitely go for. As a matter of fact, I used to fraternize mingle with the likes of him. I used to go out with the likes of him when my weight was 70 KG.

For some reason, now that I am 56 KG, all of the sudden, I feel it is better for me to look away.

I think my personal life gumption shrivelled to a prune when I shrunk to a size S/6 dress.

Ah heck, at least my arms look nice-r.

Makan Free Story

Was at a sushi place, ordered grilled beef and Soba Udon. Had a few plates of sushi too. At the end of the meal, I saw a bug on the last piece of beef. What does one do in that kind of situation?

To those who know me, I am not really the violent oral projectile material. I have a pretty high tolerance to everything that everyone else don't seem to have the stomach for. One of the things I want to do is to eat bugs on sticks in Bangkok. Of course, I do want to eat bugs as a main dish rather than an accidental side dish.

So, calmly, I called for the manager, showed her the bug. The manager was shocked and immediately said that I didn't have to pay and picked up my bill and the bug infested (I was exaggerating) beef dish.

I waited for the manager to come back because I wanted my bill for the sushis I had before the grilled beef. Then I was told that my whole meal was free. I said I was referring to the sushis, but she shook her head and said that I didn't have to pay. She apologized profusely. I said it's ok and I thank her for her efforts.

I will not disclose the name of the outlet because it is my favorite sushi place. And the fact that they really do own up to their mistake saved them a whole lot of trouble facing me, as in 'Me'. Trust me... you DO NOT want Me as a dissatisfied customer. I can be mean and make you cry a challenge.

This just goes to show that good things can only happen when you have gone through bug-sy times. I take comfort in knowing that.