So ... how was your year? Really?

Work. Chaos. Education. Realization.

To sum up the whole of 2010 in a few words.

Life is not worth living without actual challenges, really. For me, this year, represented a bunch of obstacles. All of which, I would like to gladly say, I have gone through, successfully.

Career

Well... to be honest, I was thrown into the inevitable world of Call Center Management after my Boss left.

I went for the interview for the manager post mainly because... I do not want some unknowing twit to run the department, destructing the process as we know it.

At the same time, I was also keen on making some improvements within the project.

And umm... Yeah... to help people... the people who want to move forward.

Friendship

I have learned that I have to be extra cautious of who I decided to have in my circle of friends.

I have made the unfortunate glitch in judgment by allowing someone back into my circle of friends. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but this person waddled (literally) back into my so called 'good books' by playing the victim.

I should have known from the start that when she dropped me off just because someone else I knew played her, that she was just not worth the trouble.

I hate it when I offer my help or advise and then rudely declined. To be on the receiving end of stuff like 'If that's the best you can tell me then you might as well just keep it.' is degrading especially when you know you are trying to help.

And the degradation multiplied when this person who dropped me and my best friend as friends tried to re-waddle back into the circle through Yahoo! Messenger.

The fuck she's thinking? Apa kau ingat aku bodoh ke Biatch?

Friendship to me is the fact that you will still be able to be friends even when you are mad with each other. Joyce and I fought, but we settled it like adults. And she is one of my best friends. Mainly because we understand each other that much.

One thing for sure, if you don't want my friendship, I won't care to give it.

Relationships

UC - He is officially out of my life.

Trey - His son was born. I limit my communication with him.

NSA - I am over thinking that he could be the one.

As a matter of fact, I don't think there's anyone good enough to be in my life.

My body
I lost a total of 12 Kilos.

I went from this :

Bad Hair, Make-up and FAT

To this in 2009, already dropping weight:

And finally, to this in 2010...

And plus, I finally cut my hair the way I always wanted  :



And I get to make new good friends, and also retain the ones I love :

To top it off... I got myself a Sister in Law, and a niece in the works. 

All and all, not a bad year... ;)

I would like to make a toast of the best premium Moet Chandon to everyone. May we have a better year in 2011.

Que Sera Sera...

Is it me or did time just passed toooo damn fast?

It seemed like only yesterday I was writing out my 'Stupid and Short' resolution list.

This was the list that I came up with :

1) Be a better person
This is really not up to me judge, but I think I am a better person now. I know for sure I look better. :)

2) Get that CANON DSLR
I am guilty for not making an effort to buy a camera at all. And now, I am falling in love with a Sony DSLR. Is this bad?

3) Be happy
I am... ermmm... happier if I have enough time for myself.

4) Keep close friends
I managed to do this. But I also managed to weed out those I don't think should be on the list. So openly now, I am not someone who can pretend that I am a friend when people don't want me to be one and then all of the sudden, they want me back through Yahoo! Messenger.

5) Buy a Plasma TV
I didn't because seriously, I don't watch TV, or I didn't have the time to watch TV. Sad but true.

So should I come up with another list?

Envious? Me?

The last time I got envious was when a friend of mine got married. That was like maybe 2 years ago. I was 29 and I was still single.

I was involved with a myriad of men in my twenties. I was dumped and I was also very actively dumping.

I was 10 Kilos heavier and my emotional baggage contains the whole luggage line of LV. I had a lot.

My last post was on people getting married too fast. Was I envious?

Well... I 'am' envious of them having weddings. Not so much on the 'being married' part.

I have my own idea of how my solemnization outfit would be like, how my bersanding ceremony will be like and most importantly, what stuff I want my husband to be should put on those trays. (of course everything should be my favorite brands; e.g : Tod's, Jimmy Choo, Bobbi Brown cosmetics, T&Co jewelry... You know... the works).

Then I realized that what I want is really not so much about being married, it's the wedding.

I don't know how I am going to include my husband in bed sheets shopping, vacations and stuff. I don't have any idea at all on how to include my husband in anything.

I am not going to worry about that too much though. What are the odds of me getting someone now. So I am just going to chill and enjoy my freedom the best I can.

Envious? NONSENSE. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade my friend, can't expect a blueberry pie innit?

Sense and Sensibility

When my new boss asked me if I am married, I answered :

"No. I don't believe in marriage."

To which he replied with 'That's a pretty strong statement.'

It is a strong statement.

Recently one of the blogger in the upscale celebrity world of blogland got hitched. It came to me as a shock. Well, I know that they have been together for some time, but marriage after (I guess, a year?) is pretty... fast.

*Hyperventilating... fuh.. fuh...*

It's just fast.

And then a good friend of mine had recently started a relationship. Barely a month into the relationship, they are already making plans to be engaged in February 2011.

*Hyyy...perrrRRR...VentiLateeeessss*

Please understand first and foremostly that I have nothing against marriage, sure I don't believe in it, but I have nothing against it.

However, at 31, even the idea of starting a new relationship scares me to death. It is nuts to go through all that again. The infatuation, the wondering... and of course, the break - up...

And yes, I know that I am not pretty enough, skinny enough and also my parents are not rich enough for me to qualify as someone's significant other.

Plus... I am a cocky, sarcastic bitch. Kind, I would like to think, even though I have low tolerance towards incompetence.

And as reflected by one of my best friends, VERY high maintenance.

Both in material and intellectual expectations.
I only have high material expectations because I now can pretty much provide for myself. I expect the man I would end up with (Either in a long term relationship... or marriage) to have control on his own life.

A bonus if he is well groomed and cute... without me pushing him to be... I am done being the mother in a relationship.

But, I am well aware that I am not living in a fantasy world. Even my supposedly gay friend looks like a yeti, how can I expect any straight men to be otherwise...

Congratulations Ninie... and to my good friend... May the engagement plans go through. ;)
As for me, I will continue to hyperventilate, just like the way I did when I got proposed to and ran walked away in panic. Maybe I will stop when the time is right.

Still looking out for that silver lining.

Maybe, Mr. Skelly will turn to my independent dream stud?

Things I would not know unless I Youtubed

Supersizers eat the 70's.. I was born in the late 70's. I know how 70's were like through my parent's pictures.

Whoa, can you imagine the whole earth's population on stilts platforms?

Do you know that Americans don't teach their 5 and 6 year olds to eat with fork and knife? That British schools do?

I learn how to use fork and knife when I was 5. I was a pro at the fork at 4. What the hell?

How do I know this? I YouTubed for Jamie Oliver and watched two epis of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and found out.

When Jamie asked the 'lunch ladies' (School cook) whether they know what are the ingredients in chicken nuggets, the first thing they said was :

'Chicken breasts are the first ingredient.'

There were sodium and MSG among other preservatives in the list, and they don't care about these things. I doubt that there are even 20% real chicken in the nuggets.

I also got to know that Americans's do not know where KFC comes from, despite the fact that it stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

(Sarcy thinks Americans are bizarre) ---> OH YES... she is being nice.

But I also know that somehow, people tend to stereotype, a lot. I am just thankful that I am friends with Americans who know what the hell they are doing or saying.

Cook, woman... COOK!

Recently, I have been having too many things on my plate (Unfortunately, not of the edible kind) to exercise as much as I used to.

The only thing that I have the time (and energy) for would be Yoga. All you need is a yoga mat and peace and quiet (Not a difficult thing to get if you go home at 5 am in the morning).

In all honesty, I miss gym. I miss the huffing and swearing puffing on the stepper and treadmill, the awesome flex of your biceps, triceps and glutes during weight training.

Not to mention checking out every buff bod possible gay men in the gym sweating their orifices out (Oh dear... that's not quite attractive innit?)

But at the moment, until all of my projects are running and not in the middle of constructing, I will have to limit my gym time to once a week on Sundays. *Sigh*

Anyhoo... when it comes to sustaining my level of energy for both work and Yoga, I have added another rice day to my usual once a week rice intake.

It has tremendously improved my energy level. I don't feel as tired anymore.

Of course, everything is proportioned. I cook no more than 2 handful of Herbaponni rice (Which contained considerably lower fat and starch content, and taste just DIVINE).

Due to my uber busy schedule (actually, when you work at night, your time to indulge in 'real' cooking with 'real' ingredients prep time are essentially, virtual) I purchased canned goods like mackerel in tomato sauce and for this week, for the sake of reliving my childhood memories, cuttlefish in soy sauce.

For week 1, I cooked the canned mackerels in soy sauce. If I am to follow my Mum's recipe, the fish is not supposed to be fried. Growing up, I have always hated the fishy taste of the canned mackerels. So I decided to fry the fish first in shallow pool of olive oil (not extra virgin. Extra virgin is ideal for drizzling, but not for cooking) before saute-ing the onions, garlic and red chili. pour in about 1  or 1 and a half table spoon of salty soy sauce and voila!

Ideal to be eaten with rice/ bread.

The second week, I went for classic beef stew. Now, stews are always more divine with dry red wine or a drizzle of dry sherry. Being a health freak, I draw the line when it comes to compromising my beef stew. I go for the classic recipe of lean beef, potatoes, mixed peas and carrots, dry, wonderful red wine and stock.

Not exactly the healthiest of choices, but I believe in staying true to the recipe as far as beef stews are concerned.

I purchased a canned cuttlefish last couple of weeks. The reason why I bought the canned version instead of the fresh variety, aside from trying to evoke my childhood memories, was because I don't personally like to keep fresh meat too long in the fridge. Plus, I wouldn't know when I would actually want to eat the frikkin' thing.

I cooked the canned cuttlefish the only way I know how, braised in a mixture of tamarind and soy sauce.

I threw the soy sauce the cuttlefish came in as it was sweet and is a far cry from what soy sauce is supposed to look like.

 I crushed the garlic and saute it together with the onions and red chili before adding in the cuttlefish. mix the ingredients with the cuttlefish and then after about 2 mins, add in the tamarind juice and drizzle some soy sauce (To your taste) and wait for the gravy to reduce.

Add salt if needed.

Of course, I don't actually cook often. Usually I will settle for some oatmeal porridge and two slices of bread with peanut butter as that was the fastest most convenient power packed breakfast+lunch, which I take at my screwed up time of 7 pm - 9 pm with hot tea.

So whenever I do, I will make sure that I treat myself with the best. ;)

I love my life

Yes, I do. In all seriousness, I do.

Sure it might seemed like a drab at times. I wake up when everyone else is returning from work, I go to work when everyone else is going to sleep and I go home when everyone else is stuck in traffic jams racing to the office.

"How do you do it?"

Really? You want to know?

My blood pressure is lower simply because I don't battle incessant traffic jams to work. I have flexible working hours (Technically, it is fair as I am on duty even in my sleep). I work from home every Mondays and Fridays and I can even schedule my hours to be in the office for 12 hours in a row.

And then there is the matter of keeping fit. I am a Yoga convert, but that doesn't mean that I don't love doing hardcore weights and cardios. I love sweating, simply because I don't sweat much.

Of course, I love the fact that I don't have to wait in the sidelines for a man (Or anyone, really) to get me what I want. I want to cut my hair, I cut it. I want a leather Coach bag... heck... I go and get it. I want a yoga retreat Bali holiday, I plan one. I want to drink wine, I go and get a bottle of good red and guzzle it from the bottle or sip it like a lady, with my feet up on the couch...

Aside from waking up alone and the occasional breakdowns of unknown origins (imagine me waking up sobbing and at the same time saying; 'Why the fuck am I crying... I hate myself for crying... dammit Sarc... what the fuck is fucking wrong with you!!' (Yes... I do have a terrible case of a trucker's mouth)), I love my life.

You should too... *Winks.

I am in a phase

I was told that my blog entries are now getting shorter and shorter.

So much so that they told me that I am actually better off tweeting, which I will never do (1 ; I have difficulties understanding the concept, 2; I think Facebook already taken care of my narcissistic tendencies)

Truthfully, my writing skills (except when it comes to authoritarian style emails to my colleagues and staff) has deteriorated over the course of time.

To begin with, I am not even a good writer. I only 'seemed' to write good because I used to be passionate, about maybe heartbreaks and soppy life's misadventures. I can write back then because I also happen to mix around with eccentric people.

Middle aged men who still club and act like they are 21 and confusing ladies with somewhat degenerate preferences (case in note : my blonde streaked SPG with darker than tanned artificial skin).

Now, I rarely club and when I do, it is a once in a blue moon event, I go out mostly with my close friends and when I do go out with men, it all came out disastrous. I used to be interested in going on dates and now, I wouldn't even know what to talk about during dates. Is the whole 'I want to know you better' still work? Honestly, I am getting quite sick of getting to know people better at this point. Mediocre dates has thrown me off. Plus... I am officially no longer concerned if the men I went out with called me or not after a forgettable date (Or one that was interesting even.)

So I have somewhat almost zero bitching to do, and also zero concern about anything that I used to be so concerned with. At the moment, my concern revolves more on work, my career plans and other peoples' career plan because I believe it is my duty to do so.

Once in a while though I do think about certain subjects that would probably make a suitable blog entry. I remembered how I was so emotionally motivated with various relationship issues that really didn't make any kind of bloody sense at all.

It was dumb. What's dumber was that I was not really doing anything about it.

Now, I am in a better place. Actually I felt like a brand new person. I feel more alive alone than how I was when I 'had' someone. I look better and I am actually doing well.

If I can multitask at work, buy a handbag worth 1000 bucks at a snazzy designer label and run on the treadmill for 20 minutes straight (I can't even manage a 2 mins jog before this), there is no telling what I can accomplish in the future.

So maybe I will blog more and longer about stuff when something out of the ordinary happens to me. Like if I am going to fall in love again, when I would, again, try to make sense of being in a relationship and to actually have sarcasm free opinion on the institution of marriage.

Maybe...

I need...

A slow cooker... because at the moment, I am cooking stews the old fashioned way... that would be by making sure that the stew slowly cooks on low heat and stirring the stew every 10 minutes. 

And a microwave. 

Because Joyce doesn't fancy me eating the pies she cooked straight from the fridge. She would be asking me to heat it up in the oven / she would offer to do that for me. 

Me... I am ... not really the kind of person who is privy to heating things up using the oven. 

Today

Before my work officially starts at 10.30 pm (Damn daylight savings!).

I am feeling lethargic and a wee bit fed up.

I think I need at least a break. No?

One can wish... *sighs**

The day I ...

... came to term that things would just be the way that I actually think it is going to be.

I have always thought that my NSA and I would never have anything beyond what we have right now. When we snuggle with each other everytime we are together, yes... for a split second I was thinking how nice it would be like to do that with him everyday. To wake up with him, with a smile on my face.

Not gonna kid myself any longer, it just get too tiring. Harboring hope is tiring.

And then I just resolved that I don't actually want it. Like how I sabotaged my previous relationships, even making myself believe that I was NOT the cause of the break ups.

Same damn thing. I was breaking up the relationship because in actuality, I never really wanted it in the first place.

I guess the reason why I said that I will try it out with Mr. Probably -Would -Be - Boyfie - Husband-If -It-Works-That-Is was because somehow, I kind of KNOW that it would not actually... work?


I don't know, I might be wrong, and God knows how I have been wishing that I am wrong so many times. 


At the moment, I have always been oddly... right.


Haish!

Saturday

Snapshots

Uuuu... Phone call...

Joyce : Where are you? 

Me : Waiting at the workshop with Krishna for his car to be done.

Joyce : Why????

Me : Because... unfortunately, he is my friend... *sigh*** You know that he is hairy? And now sweaty.

Me : And now he is a Tamil movie hero.

Joyce : Really?

Me : Totally.

Me : And now, he is imitating a gorilla.

Me : Where are you?

Joyce : Warehouse sale. Zara at RM 10 bucks!!!

Me : Waah... Krishna's smiling now. I think it's the promo for a new Tamil movie.

Okay, so I am no bikini model but everyone should stop smoking. Yes.. given that all of us will die some day, smokers and non - smokers alike, but hey, at least non - smokers smell better.

By this time, I am so tired, I could sleep at the sidewalks if I can.

---

I have gone to many overpriced salon asking for this haircut. All of them had these things to say to me :

Salon at OU that charged me RM 61 bucks for a boring haircut, a wash and a blow ;

"... Your face is round and this cut won't look good on you. And your hair (Twirls my hair a few times) is not suitable for this cut. You will have to relax the hair. Relaxing cost 200 over. I don't want to cut your hair this short wor... you won't look nice."

Salon at the Curve ;

"... Miss ahh.. you must rebond your hair if you want to cut this short wor. Right now, we have offer, rebond and treatment at 250 ringgit."

Dumb asses.

Then one day, Heima brought me to a salon in Uptown DU and I just said :

"Lao Pan (Boss), I want a drastic change. Kasi potong!"

" CAN!"

I settled for something that was longer, but then I asked the boss if I can go shorter, and he said ;

"YESS. Of course. But not too short, but shorter than this... CAN..."

So in the end I ended up with this cut hairstyle.

It's liberating to know that I spent less than 3 minutes to towel dry, blow and style my hair after having spent almost half an hour everyday with my medium long hair.

And this hair cut, with shampoo (Ok, the next time I go there, I am definitely going to ask for another shampoo boy as the last shampoo boy I had was rather sloppy) and blow dry cost me :

RM 45

Amazing! 

(Should see my face when I heard the price! After been paying RM 100 over for hair cuts, this is a pleasant change!)

On All Hallow's eve

I watched a couple of Thai horror movies.

Actually, I sort of skimmed through the movie.

First movie has something to do with the number 666, which had nothing to with the prophetic child of satan or anything like that.

Actually I still didn't know what was the movie all about. I am kind of still confused... it's something about the central character who was played by an actress who could have seriously looked gorgeous if it was not because of her hair that looked as if it was styled by putting on a coconut shell on her head who was a private investigator or a reporter and her I guess, estranged father who tried to commit suicide and this strange dark shadow that made its' appearance like maybe 3-4 times in the movie.

Owh... I am guessing also that the events happened in a time span of maybe 48 hours because the actress was in the same T-shirt throughout the movie.

The reason why I couldn't figure out what the movie was all about was because, everything was in Thai and the subtitle was in chinese.

Yeah...

So instead of trying to figure out what the actors was saying, I clicked on the fwd button on the player until the end, and I still don't know what the movie was all about.

The second one was easier. It had something to do with a woman who killed people, stuffed spices and boil them as ingredients for her noodles.

Which taught me that one should NEVER eat the noodles on the streets while you are in Thailand.

Good horror movies are just soooo hard to get nowadays.

I would however recommend watching classic horror movies.

- Poltergeist I
- Exorcist I
- The Shutter (Thai)
- The Eye (Cantonese)

And... if you really want to freak yourself out :

ANYTHING with frikkin' Miley Cyrus in it.

Your brains will bleed out just wondering how she can ever get into show business in the first place.

I hope you guys had a spooky slamming Halloween!

Image courtesy of Sacramento Scoop

Sincerity : Keikhlasan

I have always believed in being sincere.

As a matter of fact, I believe that if you are insincere in anything that you do, nothing good will come out of it.

Like in work for an example. If one complains about every single thing that the manager/company is not doing, that person won't go forward.

I am not saying that one should not highlight their 'frustration'. I am a firm believer in transparency and honesty as well. But if your 'frustration' comes in the way of your performance, because you have become decidedly insincere in doing the job that you are paid for, that is wrong.

Let me be honest, at the moment, until further notice, I am kind of underpaid. But then again, who would say that they are overpaid? (Maybe the prime minister would but hey, that is between him and GOD, if he want to go on and spend the 'Rakyat's' money on another useless building that would probably cause us normal people a bomb to 'visit'---On another note, why should we the, people who had to pay taxes, had to pay for any admission for anything to these things when it is so clear that we frikkin' paid for the construction anyway???--- ignore me for being somewhat political).

But the fact remains that I enjoy my job. Of course, people going on MCs depresses me at times, but I don't expect everyone to have my immune system, right?

I am doing my job with all sincerity (I hope) and at times, when things get a bit rough, I will recite a few 'Kalimah' that was taught to me by my Grandpa, ending it with the 'Syahadah' and then a little prayer as I turn the steering wheel to the office building before work/ home after work.

Usually my prayer would go like this :

"God, please give me the patience and the strength to live life as it is, to handle challenges and to do all this with sincerity."

I am here doing what I am doing and things had been fine and dandy, because I believe in making it all happen, sincerely, not just for my own good but for the good of everyone that I have to take care of.

So, the next time you want to complain, you can, but make sure after that, you gather yourself up, and just, deal with it... sincerely. :)

Have a great midweek everyone. ;)

Searching

Sometimes, I would sit in my car for maybe 10 minutes after I am parked at my apartment's parking lot.

And for that short 10 minutes, I was empty... well sort of.

When I am doing Yoga, somehow, my mind focuses on the peaceful and the positive. My meditation after massive pretzeling my body to unknown limits was always, an awesome moment.

I don't meditate to corny inspirational music (Enya kind of... annoys me) or to white noise even.

But the occasional 10 minutes in the car was truly a moment when all I can feel is...

E.M.P.T.Y...

I did not even know what I was thinking about. It's always a mix of blah this and blah that...

In short, an empty recount of everything.

Mr. Probably -Would -Be - Boyfie - Husband-If -It-Works-That-Is told me that I might be exhausted.

Exhausted with work.

Also exhausted of being exhausted, constantly. The only workout that I have strength for nowadays would be Yoga. I only have time for cardio and weights on Sundays.

Not that it is much of a problem. I seemed to be losing weight anyway.

I think it is this empty... state of mind.

I need something to excite me, to make me more passionate towards life. My Life.

Why I am getting thinner and thinner...

1) I have a strict diet of NO rice 6 days a week. Sundays are the only exception

2) I can't stuff myself like I used to do. If I ever do, I will get stomach discomfort, and will AUTOMATICALLY feels like throwing up. No, FYI, I am not bulimic, just a small eater. 

I thought it was only minor discomfort, I tried taking Eno to soothe it, but it made me throw up still. So the only way to avoid this from happening would be to NOT stuff myself. 

3) I do Yoga at home everyday before I go to sleep and when I wake up. I resolve to be a pretzel by the time I am 35 (If panjang umur).

4) PLUS I work out at the gym for at least 5 days in a week. 

5) I work too much. Stress is stretching me thin. I just want to get through operations and hope the talk I had with my boss on my career plan gets through by next year. Sigh....

The truth is, I would rather be thinner than fatter. Plus I know that I am not doing this intentionally. So I am good. 

To Mr. Probably-Would-be-boyfie-husband-if-it-works-that-is, it is ok if I get thinner, at least you can keep on holding me with just one arm since I am puny. 

A hopeful traveler, whimsical fashionista, a wishful decorator and a hesitant Iphone enthusiast

Mr. Probably-Would-be-boyfie-husband-if-it-works-that-is remarked that next year would be the year we travel. 

With Bali and Osaka in the docks, we are hopeful that our busy schedule will permit us to at least make use of our dusty passports. 

Before Bali, of course, we are thinking of going somewhere local for a short weekend break. He insist that we do this so that I can get stress out of my system. 

FYI, I have been stressed out mainly because of the tow of projects within the current project which operations I am responsible for now.

On top of that, I also have to train the new hires in one of the modules that would take a whole week to complete. 

So, a trip is SO in order. 

It just so happened that two of our friends are planning a trip to Osaka, Japan next year. They extended their invite and we happily said --- 

YES please. *nod nod*

Although Japan had never been in my personal travel plans, I guess it would be a great trip to just chill with two of our good friends and discover new set of cultures. Maybe we would even go Harajuku... who knows!

At the same time, I was informed that I need to attend a somewhat formal do DURING NORMAL HOURS affair in the office. 

The invitation came as a surprise somewhat to me because I have only been a 'manager' for less than a year (Well.. one more month, it will be a year!) and already they are including me in this somewhat sort of interestingly major do. 

To my shock and horror, this also made me realize that I have no formal office clothes to wear at all. Those that I have can no longer fit. My work pants are so baggy, I can sew in a little pocket at the crotch to put my lipsticks in.

This sent me out on a frenzy. Mr. Probably-Would-be-boyfie-husband-if-it-works-that-is said that desperate times call for desperate measures. 

'Buy new stuff la.' He said. 

Of course because he IS Mr. Probably-Would-be-boyfie-husband-if-it-works-that-is,  unfortunately he wouldn't be footing the bill. ;)

So we  went to Dorothy Perkins in Bangsar Village. The reason why I love DP is that their pants come in two types. Regular and short. 

My height is at 163 CM. Most of the pants I got from Seed and even Edmund Ser had to spend the first few days of their wearability age at the tailor's because on most occasion, I had to trim the extra long seams. 

I forgot how I have enjoyed wearing these corporate togs. As I slipped on the tailored shirt, I reminisced on my PR days. Oh those high heeled pointy shoes, those sleek skirts and tucked in cotton/silk shirts. 

Cufflinks too. 

I ended up buying a nice fitting black pants at RM 79 bucks. 

Of course, I was also trying on some bohemian stuff they had lying around. Oversized tanks and flats. 

Next purchase, a Gap long and cropped pants. 

--

Ikea came out with their 2011 catalogue recently. 

Mr. Probably-Would-be-boyfie-husband-if-it-works-that-is and I went to the store to get the catalogues but was told that they put 100,000 books out daily and it's all out for the day. 

Some time on Monday (I think), I managed to go to Ikea on my own and snatched the last copy. 

Going through it while having my dinner of meat balls and soup, I wished silently that I would have enough time to decorate my pad. 

At the moment I am sharing the pad with a housemate and her husband. We have been staying with each other for 2 years now. 

I lust after a rug the same way I would a beautiful dress. 

Only to NOT buy it because I was thinking, Yeah... LIKE I have the time to go the whole mile. 

I have all kinds of decorating ideas for the house. I would love a plush homey couch, a nice rug and big cushions, frames of modern art set on  a burgundy painted wall and pictures of loved ones hung in one corner of the house.

Also, in my head, I would also want a nook for my growing collection of books. 

And the kitchen would be fully equipped with all the stuff a bachelorette would need. 

A microwave oven, a 'red' fridge and a stove with an oven. 

Maybe with little knick knacks, such as a chicken shaped fruit basket or maybe a dog shaped creamer pitcher, with a corkboard with confusing TNB bills on 'em. 

I can wish, can't I?


--

I was talking to a friend when to my dismay, one of the keypads on my 3 year old handphone, fell off. I have been using Sony Z610i (If I am not mistaken) for the longest time. I love the phone to death, but when the keypads are falling off, one has to do something! I tried to repair it, but that option had been thrown out the window because it is kind of impossible right now. 

I have been planning on buying a new phone for as long as I can remember and for a short time was briefly excited by I-Phones. 

I even went to my service provider to get the lowdown of I-phone plans from them. 

One of the reason why I didn't take the phone was because of the ridiculous phone price. For an I - phone, I can get two Sony Ericsson phones or a flat screen TV!

Although I thought the plans come with very reasonable rates. 

Any plan that comes with unlimited data usage is fine by me. 

I was sidetracked by Sony Xperia mini pro for a while after that. I simply love its' compact size and sleek designs (Functions too, I supposed).

But then, due to some unforeseen turn of events that has everything to do with my mode of transportation, the plan was put on hold. 

Until recently. I find that I have been using my blackberry too much. Of course 99% of my phone calls had been to my staff and my boss (I am pretty pathetic like that). I personally thought that this has to stop. 

So now with I-phone 4Gs out, I might turn my interest back to Apple. I was told that it has better functions than the 3Gs variety. I love the full touch screen functionality, although I have to admit that it is a bit too big for moi. But that doesn't mean I am put off totally from getting it. 

Until then, I am happy with my somewhat handicapped phone. I might just be waving a new Centa Hati that is I-Phone soon, who knows! 

The day I thank God for the different decisions I made...

... to change me to the person I have become now.

A friend remarked how I have changed in 2 years since I moved to KL.

At first, I was kind of worried that I might turn to the terrible party person that I was when I was in KL.

I was also concerned that I might be in stupid relationships that don't mean squat.

I have that tendency to make stupid choices when I am living on my own.

Little did I know that not only did I change how I look COMPLETELY just because I made a decision to snub the stub 2 years ago, got back into shape with gym and yoga :

     

              

Here's to all of you who thought that I can never do this on my own... wth?!

But am also in the process of making one of the most important decisions of my life.

We are feeling good about this. We are already looking at rings. (-_-'), but we are still trying it out. We give ourselves 4 more years.

I can't think of anyone else better who I can end up with. But this is not going to change until the fat lady sings... so until then.. I am still single.

Toodles!!!

Snapshots

There is nothing in the world that could irritate me more than skinny Chinese promoter girls coming to me with brochures from slimming spas.

To them, I am huge and abnormal and is in need of expensive slimming treatments. To them, being stick thin is the way to go.

I go to the gym, I do yoga, I eat healthily and I am not stick thin!

So if you are one of those promoters who are trying to hand me your godawful brochures and I give you the hand, I would like to apologize in advance. Let me be totally honest here, you irk me and I hate it. I wish I can pound you with a 10 KG barbell.

To all other women out there, you are already fabulous, don't have to stoop down to their skinny level. No need to be a frikkin' stick, and no need to be fairer than a baby's ass.

Love your (Healthy) curves and love yourself, no matter how you look. Tan and curvy is sexy, skinny and fair is not.

FYI, men do like a bit of flesh. I personally wouldn't want to have a stick as a girlfriend. ;)

We are women, hear us roar!

Writer's bloc

This cute dress is not helping the bloc I am having.

Goes the same for the cute shoes. Dammit!!!

Why can't they have extra brains in malls for purchase?

Realization

I am scared of being in a relationship because I am scared of feeling dejected when the other person decided that I am not the one.

I am feeling... breathless. And dizzy. I need therapy. Never thought I need one.

What The F**k?

I was watching the movie, Precious with my parents when this topic of discussion came up.

This was when I found out that my family knows next to nothing about me and principles.

Precious is a brilliant movie based on the novel by a prominent poet and writer, Sapphire.

It is about an obese young girl who lived with a dysfunctional mother, who despite being only 16, has had two babies.

The two babies are the poduct of rape, done by her own father.

My Dad, thinks that this is proof that westerners really don't have any sense of humanity and that their lack in religion is the product of all this, animal behaviors.

My Mum thinks that this happens more in black families. Because black people are apparently bad, bad people.

This ticked me off.

I think Muslims are not better off. I don't think blowing up a building full of people, hijacking people and exercising obvious discrimination on women is a representation of humanity. In this case, their false and moronic belief in religion that is actually peaceful, make them animals.

Humans do it because of blind spiritual race of supremacy.

But... I think even animals have more heart than them. At least animals had to do it because of survival.

And this applies to all wars that are caused by religious differences. The struggle between Palestinians and Israelis for one.

The way I see it, both are religions that believe in the end of days. So when it is the end of the world, what does it matter which religion won?

I did remark in FB that there are only the good and the bad in the world. Even God said that the only thing that would set you apart from the other on judgment day is the good that you have done, the things and ibadah that was done with sincerity.

I don't think God said that the fair skinned ones would win over the dark skinned ones.

God said nothing about having to be a specific race in a bid for his blessings.

What happen in the movie could happen to anyone, fair or dark, Malaysian or not, Muslim or Jewish.

Race or Religion does not dictate what a person is capable of doing.

I came up with a couple of pretty sarcastic remarks to my parents, which actually kind of shut them up.

I mean, I love them, and I know as a young person, I ought to respect my parents.

But I also know that it is my duty as a human to make other humans know it when their opinions are questionable. I don't and never will condone discrimination, or double standards. I have strong thoughts on this and so I am not going to shut the f**k up.

I think I might just be something else altogether...

Unlike other people, I don't blast raya songs in my car.

I guess, the shopping complexes all around made Raya songs overkill for me.

Unlike other people, I also don't buy gold for Raya.

I don't wear gold. I am more interested in buying things that has character. I bought a RM 150 silver necklace because it was made in India.

Unlike other people, I don't cry when I ask for forgiveness from my parents or grandparents.

My heart is now made of stone. It takes a lot to bring me down or to tick me off (Although I don't know if that is an advantage or a dis-advantage?)

But despite all that, I have a family who is like everyone else. :)

Selamat Hari Raya

A few days when I thought that it really did not feel like a frikkin' vacation at all...

Because...

1) I am still on my Blackberry. The next time I am going on a vacation, I am giving the bb to my boss and have my TA trained to the max.

2) I am still doing reports about my project, somehow feeling the out-of-office notification I set did no justice whatsoever!

3) I am tired... like how I am feeling when I was working.

4) I am second hand smoking. Cancer sticks galore... I have three smokers in the house and getting away to get my own clean air is near to impossible.

5) Raya reminds me of the love of my life... :(

Well... I am hanging in there...

One leg up, and the other standing strong.

Selamat Hari Raya Everyone...

Have a Blessed one!

I should have never ...

1) Give friendship a second chance. Yes... better just unfriend me in FB. Apparently, I can just sock it to myself. No more.

2) Get to know an NSA more than I should. Now I have this whole shitty thing of trying to not have feelings la pulak... sangat bodoh.

3) I should have never been involved in so many effing relationships. It was tiring and now I am just paranoid!!

4) I should have never think too little of myself

5) BUT.... I should have never think too highly of myself too.

6) I should have never taken my body for granted... I am like an overstretched balloon that is now all shrunken up... Oihh... all that overstretching takes a toll on the body... and all those clothes I couldn't wear back then... Boy...

But then again....

No regrets eh!!!

Will blog on Raya with loads of pikchas!!!

:P

Friend : I think I am in love

Me : .....

Friend : Have you ever had that feeling that you know... you are just in love ... and this guy is.... (Lovey dovey, possible eyelash batting mode)

Me : I don't remember.

Friend : Huh?

Me : I don't remember. All I remembered were the fights, the crying... buckets of it, the confusion, the break ups, the alcohol, the rebounds.

Friend : ....

Me : I remembered questioning myself and the relationship. But if you said that it feels(Bats eyelashes), I'll take that.

Friend : Umm...

Me : Come on. Feel better that I am actually envious of you. But don't let amnesiac me get in the way of whatever you are feeling with your beau. I am me, Sarc... what do you expect? Buttercups and pink balloons?

Friend : You don't remember or you didn't want to remember.

Me : Ooh... I have options?

I love my friends for still being able to be friends with me. :P

I, Malaysian

I have friends who had been criticizing Malaysia non - stop.

They are actually criticizing Malaysian politics, with all the idiotic hullabaloo of 1Malaysia but still having the honest to God hypocritical 'Bumiputera' policy and also somehow throwing religious fatwas and 'opinions' on every small thing but the one that matters.

But... that is Malaysian politics. I love Malaysia. I love the country.

I love its' weather, although at times it gets humid and rains all day. I love the fact that our people have more heart than say... one 'neighbor' in particular. I love that Malaysians are not as plastic as the other small island which is filled with arrogant snobs.

One thing about me is that I criticize, but I never raise other countries on my head too. Some people do.

The only thing I can say is .. if you like it there so much... move over there lah.

Guess what... you will still be known as an ex-Malaysian. Malaysia will forever be plastered on your personal information section wherever...

Selamat Hari Merdeka everyone. Keep on criticizing the assholes who run the country, but give our country a break.

Eat... Pray... Love... Ummm????

No, I did not read the book. As a matter of fact, I am not even bothered to. ;)

But I DO love the title. Except that my best friend actually said that the only thing that I can relate to would be 'Eat'.

'I pray. I kind of... talk to God.'

'Ok. Given. You don't love though... do you?'

'I love. I love you who is my friend, I love cats, I love my family, I love yoga, I love Wiwa... heck... I'd even love NSA if I am allowed to, maybe not in that 'kind' of way.'

And.. yes... I love the title of the book, although the storyline is blah. I don't and can't do chick lit.

I love the fact that I can love but I won't love just anyone because I think I deserve more than something that I can just settle for because it/he/she is just there.

I can't be unpicky. I am picky... and I thank God for that.

And no,  I am not in love with anyone (except for myself). I want to be but no luck so what the hell. I'll leave it as it is. ;)

There are more

Things in life than work....

There is play, there is love... and there are dreams to chase.

It counts to be absofuckinglutely sure about how to do it too.

Why....

Do we want to be in a relationship if it is only .... going to make you feel tortured and miserable?

I forgot how it was to be in a relationship / in love so I am not going to say anything about those two... but I know I would rather get out (This happened when I was in a relationship with Racist Pig) then to stay...

Or am I wrong?

Ummm...

My 5 cents (2 cents cannot use already. Obsolete)

When I was small, I was taught that people who don't fast has a passport straight to hell.

For a 5 year old, this is pretty big. We were brought up with that very straightforward concept of heaven and hell.

That is -- every little kid who calls other little kids 'Bodoh' (Stupid) is going to hell, and everyone else who didn't, go to heaven.

Addressing self as 'Aku' (A more casual, somewhat rougher, version of I) and others as 'Kau' was frowned upon.

... And therefore is the language of those who is sooo going to hell.

I told you for a 5 year old, this was pretty heavy stuff.

I was wondering if I, as a 5 year old actually thought that with all these don'ts, well... what can we actually do? Or say? Or is my God really so petty that He wouldn't even forgive kids for saying all those bad things.

Granted that calling other kids 'Bodoh' are fun bad but the point of the matter is, why was it that adults had to drag in the concept of Heaven, hell and God into the equation.

Instead of loving God, we were taught to be fearful of God. Instead of God as the one entity who has so lovingly provided us, He became the punisher, who enjoys throwing kids around in hell.

I turned out fine of course. I learned that calling other people 'Bodoh' is okay provided that they deserve the title, I learned that it is just so odd addressing myself as 'saya' when you are already on a 'tepuk tampar' (fooling around) stage with friends.

I also learned that this whole concept of God, Heaven and Hell is really what we, as individuals make of it.

Take fasting as an example. There are people right now, in this modern times, who still fast because they are more concerned about what other people are saying if they don't. Others decided that it is ok for them to not fast in their own house but all of the sudden they refrain from drinking and eating outside of the house.

The question is Why? When I was not fasting, I didn't see the point of me hiding it. I could not fast because of a valid reason. And plus I don't care what other people think. What business do they have in my affairs or thoughts with MY God anyway?

I was overjoyed when I can fast at last. I fast because I want to, because I think it's the least I can do for my God. He did give me what I was hoping for, except maybe he is holding a bar on my personal life for now, only because I think He knows maybe I am not that ready for another person to ruin be in my life now.

Heaven and Hell is right here on earth. What you do is what you get. You do bad things, you get bad things. You do good things, you will end up with good things. Karma, the golden rule...

Whoever said that it is a must that everyone will be judged during the end of time? Why would God the Almighty, wait so long for you to accumulate your wrong doings and to only give what you deserve after you are dead. Isn't it better to smack you when you are still alive.

God is, the most powerful entity and he can turn back time if he thinks he want to.

That said, I would rather be the shorts wearing, tube dresses and heels adoring, sincere, God loving person than an all covered up, God fearing and reward expecting (With every so called 'ikhlas' deed) person.

Ni lagi bulan Ramadhan ni. Kata bersederhana, pergi Pasar Ramadhan beli makanan untuk 10 orang bagai padahal kat rumah ada dua orang je. Nak Raya ni, sofa yang belum setahun pun kau nak tukar semata-mata nak tunjuk kat jiran sebelah yang kau banyak fulus. Gelang emas beli tahun lepas belum puas pakai dah mintak suami beli yang baru. Motif?

About the exes

I have always been listening about nightmare tales from friends about their exes.

More often than not, those stories would make us think about how stupid we were in the first place to let ourselves be attracted to those assholes in the first place.

So in the end, we were the assholes.

Some of my friends eventually found their soulmates. Some are just bitter about still being stuck with someone who could be a splitting image of their exes (To this my response would usually be What the Flying Fuck?!).

Me... I am just ok with how things are going now. Loneliness aside, having no one to dictate you feels so... liberating.

But yes, the loneliness and no one to fall back to is kind of... taxing.

...And tiring... at times.

I have great friends, don't get me wrong... but they naturally have their own life to deal with that it would only make me feel guilty to even try to complain to them about my work personal life.

Some of them had found their happiness after so long that even to complain to them about a broken nail (Not that I have any) made me feel... guilty.

Honestly though, except for the ex who I caught sleeping with someone else and also the racist pig I was with for less than 3 months, all of my exes had been either wonderful and/or insignificant and forgetful.

 Last weekend I was having a pre- buka puasa session with some of my friends at a petrol kiosk (Long story la) and we started talking about exes.

And then I discovered with much 'awe' that I have forgotten the name of the racist pig ex.

I know he was a racist pig, and have called him as such, but I forgot his real name. It wasn't until an hour after that I finally managed to remember his name... even then I was not sure...

I was going,"It might have been.. or maybe... I am not sure I remembered..."

I guess, subconsciously, I managed to block that pig out of my head.

All the time during the conversation, there were only 2 people that I was thinking about, and all of them are still pretty much in glued in my brain.

Both of them are now expecting a baby from other women. I love them both dearly. And they are still pretty much involved in my life.

I have been told by good friends of mine that I have to move on, distant myself away from them and just ... find someone else who would be able to love me and appreciate me just the way I am.

I guess I should attempt that.

But unless you are in a fulfilling relationship with someone right now... you will end up just thinking, maybe it might have just worked, if I had changed something.

My life right now is pretty much all me. I think about what I would want to be in 5-10 years from now and strangely, there is only me in that picture up in my head.

UNLESS... someone comes along and proves me wrong.

** On a separate note, I think Hollywood should be banned or something for making all those love stories that are very unrealistic and too good to be true. Try making my life into a movie... it would be too stupid and sad in the beginning and then just... Blah towards the end.