Sometimes...

I feel that the whole world is conspiring against me.

*sigh*...

I think I need more sleep.

Now and then

Somebody please make me remember why was it that I enjoyed abusing myself a couple of years ago?

I weighed at a horrendous maybe 68 KG and I was, well... just unhealthy. I was a smoker and I see cigarettes as a defense mechanism somehow.

When I am upset then I will either turn to nicotine or alcohol.

I wished chocolates were one of my options but that wasn't the case. I am not a fan of chocolates, which comes to a lot of my dates as strange.

Before

Now

I am so glad I am thinking straight now!

I no longer smoke (Well... just don't piss me off too much la! but it never go more than 3 sticks) and my last beer was in Malacca when we stopped by at a pub at Jonker Street.  

I lost about 10 KGs and have managed to put off the lost. Back then, the weight just kept on coming back.

This change doesn't just affect me physically. My mind become clearer, more, sober and I managed to think through a lot of things, mostly stupid things in the past.

So am I happy? Proud would be the correct word that I should use. I am proud that I have changed to a better person.

Now the only way to go is... UP!

Chinese New Year and Valentine's

On Chinese New Year's eve, I was scrubbing my toilet and cleaning my room, while having migraine leftover before I slept it off after swallowing valium.

My mum was supposed to come on that day and later on told me that they decided to go to Melaka instead for a day trip instead of the 3 -ish hours journey to KL.

I was secretly glad that they called off the trip. I don't know if I am able to stay awake if they did come over to KL.

It was a weird sleep though, that day. I dreamt that my ex text me, which he actually did. The text that I received in the dream was very different from what I received in reality.

This also happened with my ex-boss' text.

Now I don't know if I did actually received those texts, the ones I thought I might have received in my dreams. Maybe I did but I subconsciously deleted them in my valium laden slumber.

But it was weird.

CNY was also Valentine's Day.

To be honest with you, Valentine's day is only a way to spice up couples' sex life a bit.

On this day, they give you things like mushy cards, roses, teddy bears and strawberries dipped with chocolate.

All of these compensates for the sex they are going to get later on at night. Of course, the sex will be slightly different. Potpourris, scented candles, melon flavored lubes and raspberry flavored condoms.

It is a 'love making' session rather than the normal in your face literal sex you would usually get.

Well, for me, there are no chance for me to ever have valentine's make love session as I never actually celebrated Valentine's Day.

I mean, what's the point of celebrating it? I am not even feeling any kind of remorse from not having anyone to celebrate it with.

That has to mean something about who I have become nowadays innit?

And yes... a young good looking guy asked for my number. He said that I looked 'cute'. I was thinking :

"Dude... do you even know that I just turned 31 and have no regards for intimate relationships anymore?"

But... I am trying to widen my scope. I gave him my number and walked off.

Yes... I give people chances. I am trying to anyway!

The thing is...

I have mixed feelings on my birthday this year.

And it's not between being sad or happy.

It was between being indifferent or just plain... well... bored.

So I am 31. My priorities changed over the last year. Professionally I transitioned to another position, a position I never thought I am going to be in.

I have always thought that you could never really find out what you are capable of doing unless you are thrown in a situation whereby you will have to live up to what your position expects you to do.

That was what happened to me. I was thrown, and I am surviving.

Despite working more than 50 hours a week, I gain a strange kind of satisfaction from work. Work is the only thing that makes sense to me right now, even though people's behavior sometimes throws me back a few yards.

Working, I don't have the time to think about anything else. It puts me in an objective state. I am not emotional and I put my aloofness to good use.

At 31, I discovered there's a lot of other things that deserve my attention. Strangely, although sometimes I would be thinking about a lot of relationship shouldas, couldas and wouldas, I managed to shift my attention to something else, like my health, concentrating on my work out schedule so I will achieve the 'Nike Mannequin' body.

I want to be hot and I want to be satisfied thinking that this (my body) is all me.

Also, I received lots of well wishes on my FB page. This however makes me feel bad.

I am bad at remembering people's birthday, I even had difficulties remembering my parent's birthday.

I am that hopeless, yes.

So... my first mini birthday resolution I am going to make is to remember other people's birthdays. I need to pin it up on a calendar or something.

So... Last thursday I turned 31, a better person than the person who started this blog in 2007 (Wait has it been that long???)

Cheers!!!

Waaaah!!

Joyce and I was shopping for Bitch's birthday present when we saw some bra and panty sets going for a 50% sale.

Joyce was excited, most of the bras there were a cup B and was not my usual size. I thought I was a 36B.

Well... I found out that I was wrong.

I am now a staggering 34B!

The last time I blogged about this, this blog was trashed and I earned the nickname CupC from a loser of a blogger.

Well... here's this for your thought Knucka... *shows the L sign*.

Will I be called CupB after this? Well... here's the thing...

I don't frikkin' care.

--

When I was studying Socio psycho back in U (This out-fac subject was positively something that I flew through and make me realize that numbers are REALLY not my forte.), I used to ponder on people's behavior.

Now almost 10 years later *reminds me of my coming birthday next week!*, I thought, no wonder Jung and Nietzsche dedicated their whole life to make sense of humans.

This is my take on human beings...

It is insane to think of people as sane, because even those who thinks they are sane, are mostly insane.

It's like how that guy in the Matrix movie question why is it that chicken tastes like everything because the machines didn't really know how a chicken should taste like.

Maybe God gave up on figuring out what defines sanity, so he granted us insanity for survival.

Sanity is indeed subjective. Somebody else other than me might think that blowing RM 300 bucks for a pair of heels is insanity. To me, it's actually the sanest thing to do, especially when I am in my pissy mood.

Being in Management makes you rethink sanity. I wonder why people strolls in one hour late, why they called out sick more than 3 times in a quarter and how I and three of the management folks here are able to pull a 12 hour shift without being calculative (Which I am so grateful for).

I think, my objectivity is somehow perceived as insanity. I think the others see me as insane when I bombarded my compadres who are also among my good friends outside of work. When we stepped out of the office, we forget about what happened in the office and call each other bimbos.

I'll end this note with this Quote... which I found funny... simply because ... it actually makes sense.

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)

KISS

I am tagged by En. Iszo, on listing out my resos, and to keep it as stupid and simple as I can.

For year 2010, here goes:

1) Be a better person.
2) Get that CANON DSLR
3) Be happy
4) Keep close friends close
5) Buy a plasma TV.

Whoah... that's simply stupid and short. :P

--
A dear friend, one of my best friends actually was told by another friend to lose weight so that there would be a bigger selection of men for her to choose from, that would not include heartbreakers, jerks and assholes.

During our weekly banana rice session on sunday nights at Nirwana (check for two babes and a guy who would be laughing our asses off for hours!), we talked bout it for hours. This is a weekly ritual that we come to have. Something that we do to, I guess, keep ourselves sane.

Now this friend of mine is one of the most interesting person I know. She speaks impeccable English, being that she is an English lecturer with one of the local Us, her ideas are possibly more radical than mine and she has what I call, gumption.

I have always looked beyond the fact that she is big. The only thing that mattered to me I guess, is that she is a good friend and a phenomenal woman, who has managed to pull through a few ordeals that I have not had the bad luck of having.

When I heard what the other friend told her, my jaws literally dropped.

"Sapa cakap dengan ko macam ni noks (Who told you this?)?" I went.

She said when her friend told her that, she immediately thought about me. I have worked my ass off to get the body I am in right now, but guess what, I am still alone and basically incapable of getting a man / partner who is worthy of my attention.

No doubt, there had been a few infatuations and stuff involving particular men, but I dismissed them as there had been no chemistry there whatsoever.

I don't know what to put it as. Insecurity/ paranoia.

Maybe both.

But as far as I can figure out right now is... paranoia trumps insecurity.

I have been in quite a few relationships. My paranoia is not just on what if the relationship didn't work, it is more on 'what if the man I am in a relationship with proved to have major flaws?', like him being a male chauvinist pig, woman beater, unconditional sarcastic ass?

So, I dumped that man and look for more creeps and look forward to be proven right?

In this hot body I am on my way of getting?

Conclusion : No matter what kind of body you have, the selection stays small.

We only have men who are narcissists, egoistics, chauvinists, racist bigots, liars, cheaters, asses, fuckers and all combined to choose from.

I don't want to die alone, but the prospect of that happening is there and I have no strength to fight it.

Am up at 3.30 am ET going what the fuck? (short blogger's notes)

Me in my bikini

Lately, I have been waking up at crazy hours.

My clock had been totally the opposite from all normal Malaysians. My 9.00 am MYS is considered 8.00 PM ET. So when everyone else is driving to work, I am driving home, looking forward to my bed and blanket.

Nowadays, I have been wearing my bikinis in the house. My last vacation was last Raya, when I took one whole week off, leaving me more exhausted, than rested. Whoever said raya was ever relaxing anyway?

I long for the beach, waking up at 10 am (which is considered waay late for me), lying on the towel in my bikini, doing nothing but sipping my cocktail and finishing the books I bought the last couple of months.

At the moment, that somehow seemed so.. out of reach.

I think my breaking point was last couple of days, when I broke down and cried in my car for maybe a good 5 minutes, for no reason. Work, even though I enjoy the pressure and all, had been kind of, taxing.

I am very sure that all I need is a long extended weekend on my PTO. After that, I should be right as rain, with more energy and motivation.

I just want to wear my bikinis out on the beach. That would be total bliss. For now, walking around the apartment in bikinis in my almost bikini-ready bod is kind of depressing. I am doing it to feel somewhat vacation-ey. Still waiting for the effects, as I type.

--
Emotional Pussy

I can be wreckless with other people's emotions sometimes.

I have never understood why my exes told me that I am kind of detached from my emotions and somewhat careless with theirs. I know that I am aloof but I never knew that it actually mattered.

I guess in a way I was only like that because I was protecting myself.

When I was a kid in school, I would sometimes get a bit carried away with trying to please my friends, just so that they would stay friends with me. After that, I thought, what the heck, all this is crap.

I realized that when I was 12.

So although I do love my friends and family, I can sometimes be seen as being detached.

I don't think that I should  change this about myself because it would just be weird (ironically) for my friends if I start to be emotional about everything. Even showing excitement is a challenge to me.

Is is disturbing though that I think to start being emotional is like losing a part of me?

--

Random stuff

A couple of days ago, I went to a gas station to withdraw money.

I was next in line and in front of me was this woman who was trying to be fashionable in a baju kurung moden.

Maybe I am somewhat conventional in a way because I never thought a baju kurung should ever be modified to anything else. I am fine with adding on beads or embroidery on a basic baju kurung, but never fine with anything else. I think baju kurung moden is faux pas.

But I don't want to bitch about this woman's baju kurung moden. I want to bitch about how some people would hog the only ATM machine available to draw money out of a few accounts, knowing very well that there is a person waiting in the line, who might only want to take some RM 500 out for the whole week.

Sure, you have a lot of accounts, but seriously, it doesn't hurt to tell the person waiting that you have more than frikkin' 10 different withdrawals to do and the person who wanted to do one transaction should go first.

Hon, the world does NOT revolve around you and your 20 ATM withdrawals.

Extremely annoyed.

--

Peculiar

Ever wonder what's with the seriously obstructing metal whatchamacallits that makes your body tilt forward when you pee?