On being brave

I was told that I did a pretty brave thing of leaving a job that made me miserable. 

I am also considered brave to be 'open' about what I think in social media. My thoughts on religion and the likes can be, almost blasphemous. 

However, because I am Malaysian, of both Malay and Chinese heritage, I understand the meaning of tolerance deeper than most.

I am also brave on wearing yoga leggings and sports bra for yoga selfies. 

Well, consider this, if my body had not changed over the years, I don't think I would be brave to do this now. 

Even now, I still have issues with my body. At 35, I am slowly defeated by gravity. 

And at 35, I still do wonder what the hell is it that I am actually good at. Most of the things I did, had been more of a 'throw me in and see if I come out in one piece' kind of thing. 

The free time that I am reluctantly having, gave me a lot of time to think. 

The conclusion is this, I am pretty good at insisting on doing what makes me happy. 

Considering that so many people are defeated by the needs that they abandon their happiness, that is a skill on its own. 

I will (hopefully) be blogging come new year's (haven't you heard, blogging is kind of... Dead). Until then, keep afloat and someday you will fly. 

Namaste. 

How'd you like me now?

That was the question I asked N the last time he was here. It had been a week after the last day of my job. I have been off the schedule and was feeling... for the first time in a long time, free.

Sure, I will have to go back to working soon, but, I am just glad that I am no longer with the company I am with anymore.

I don't know what was it about the job, something was off. I can't put my finger on what. I have been analyzing it. Perhaps it was the owner, perhaps it was my scorecard, perhaps I was not made to depend on another team run by other people but myself.

Perhaps I am just not good enough.

N told me that there will be times when the job just will not suit a person. When that happens, there will just be a couple of things one can do. Stay or leave.

"And when you leave, it is either you want to take a break, and then find a job, or you want to start another job right away. Don't over complicate how you see things. It will drive you crazy if you do."

I was able to do a lot of things since I quit my job. Even though I have to think twice about buying anything now, I feel happier than before.

So what does that mean?

Somehow I made the right decision.

I am taking on several proof reading projects for now, also seeking working from home part time positions from some people I know around.

I won't keep on being in between jobs, that's for sure, and to be honest, I don't know what's in the stars for me after this.

But the only way to go is up, no?

Namaste. 

Release...

My last day at work was good.

For a moment, I was kind of choked up. If there is one thing that I know I would miss, would be my team.

I have always had the luck of having a good team. My previous team was as awesome as the team I have had with my recent job.

I do feel kind of guilty, somehow. But, I don't think my feeling miserable would contribute to their well being.

I feel a sense of release when I stepped out of the office. One of my long time ex staff followed me to the lift and we hugged before I left for the HR office.

A colleague of mine treated me to drinks and dinner right after and I joined the usual suspects after that for the obligatory Friday night.

I arrived home feeling unburdened, and went straight into doing my laundry that has been delayed for three weeks. I hardly have the time to have a proper life for the last 9 months. I never enjoyed Sundays. I dread Sundays, and Saturdays were too short.

Right after laundry, I replaced the sheets for my bed and mopped the floor. The chores made me happy. At last, I am able to do the things that I have not been able to do for the past 9 months.

I have always been moody, and withdrawn, and mostly tired on weekends. Mentally tired. I would be sitting and meditating, begging for peace. After that I would sit on the reading chair with a mug of coffee, trying to read, usually failing to do so. I would be thinking about Monday, on Saturday evening.

Yes, it was that bad. It's strange that I have never felt that way before.

Things will be better, I have always gone with the flow of things that the Universe decide for me.

I just hope my dilapidated self esteem will heal quickly.

--

N, a dear friend I have been seeing, told me that the mole on my back was growing.

'It also feels kind of, floppy.' He said. Concerned, he urged me to go to a skin clinic near my office.

So in that one hour appointment with the doctor, he told me that I shouldn't be alarmed.

Although he said, he will be sending it for a biopsy, as he can see some discoloration at the middle of the mole.

So this happened (Warning : This might be 'gross')

Procedure was fast. Almost no pain, except for the anaesthetist  jab. It was numb.

And so, my mark was gone, and if I am going to believe the superstition surrounding a back mole, I should be feeling unburdened.

This was two days before my last day... so I thought... Fair enough.

--

Last year's Halloween, my ex team did this --

This year, Halloween was my last day at work. And the office decided that they should be celebrating Diwali, on October 31st.

That said, I am pretty glad I am no longer affiliated to that organization.

And to celebrate the day after Halloween, I practiced my asanas, like this -

Happy Halloween Yogis. Namaste witches! 

Better Days

Ever since I made that decision to leave the current job, I have been different... in a good way.

Sundays are less snappier, I have lesser lines on my face, I don't look as tired as I had been for the past 9 ish months, and my relationships are improving.

All relationships.

My mother told me that ever since I started working in the new position, I have become tiresome to deal with. I am almost always bitchy and I was pessimistic.

Okay, I am not the most optimistic person in the whole world... as a matter of fact, I am more sarcastic and realistic than most people. However, my pessimism was... bearable.

Until 2014 came and push it on overdrive.

I got to know that one of my friends actually was contemplating on avoiding me. But then he thought, that this woman (Ehem.. ME) needed help. I Needed Reinforcement.

I have never thought that something as small as a job can bring about a significant change in my personality and the way I treat the people around me.

Of course, I have never been the picture of positivity, but I am not exactly negative either. I would like to say that I am a healthy balance of the two, before this.

Sure, quitting a job is scary as hell. But I have always thought that there is a reason for everything.

Although it may sound kind of ... disturbing, some of us are just designed to work better at night.

How else would I be able to come up with a wordy (ish) entry 10 mins before midnight.

I was sucked into the pretense of a better normal life, dealing with normal people schedule, going through normal HELL of traffic jams and to be completely destroyed, mind, body and soul, every day, after 5.30 pm.

The workaholic now figured that while she wishes she can be flexible, She will not be able to, for the longest time.

Things will be better. It always had been, if it doesn't, well... there are always cliffs to jump off  other options.

Pardon my overactive mind.

Prelude on - Oh what a wonderful year 2014 had been.

One of the way that you can cultivate happiness in your life is to, actually, love your job.

Somehow, this always correlates back to the environment and all other contributing factors that went into the job.

My mistake, one that I think will plague me for a long time coming, would be that, I ignored my guts. I managed a team, taken on a few projects before in my previous employment, surely I can take on anything without checking in with my gut feel right?

WRONG.

I should have known that if there is one thing  that I should trust, it would be my instinct. 

For 10 months, I was questioning my cause of unhappiness. 

And I came to a few realization : 

1) I had been in the graveyard shift, and was technically a vampire for 5 and a half years. What made me think that my circadian rhythm can adjust to prolonged normal shift, astounded me. My brain went fuzzy and consequently, I have not been sleeping well, no rest, equals to slow responses and very bad decisions.

Very bad decisions led to depression and self deprecation.

Self deprecation, leads to.... zero productivity and frustration.

Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this is BAD.

2) My line of directions came from two people, both knew the lines of direction flow (One was offshore, one was onshore). None overlaps the other, and if there had been, clarification was brief and to the point.

Now my previous employment was not perfect. Actually, it is flawed in many ways. However, I was fortunate to have a good director (Who later also left the company).

He trusted my judgment, and I was productive, and passionate, a far cry from what I am right  now (Don't ask me why, because I do not have an answer.)

He didn't change his mind every quarter about strategies laid out--- And he didn't have an assistant to contradict the direction given.

Simple things like these would be a huge deterrent to good process management.

Directions were everywhere, from everyone, and this in turn, frustrated me. 

3) Hell is here on earth itself

You don’t have to die to know the wrath of hell. It is easy to know and feel what hell feels like just by living my life for 10 months.

First, I am in no way trying to belittle / exaggerate my minuscule definition of hell. I know to a certain degree, I have no right to complaint if put side by side with a Palestinian.

But, every person’s universe is that person's own heaven or hell. And this is my hell.

One of the major thing that I hate about the last 10 months, was the commute and the traffic, to and from my home to the work place.

Collectively, I spent up to 3-4 hours in my car, depending on how bad the traffic is for the day. I will spend up to 8 hours in the office. I would usually skip lunch but still work the full 7.50 plus the 0.50 break that I am supposed to take.

That didn’t actually make much of a difference.

My right calf is smaller than my left. So… you get the idea.

I have mentioned before about my unfortunate abnormal circadian rhythm situation. My insomnia, something that I have learned to live with quite harmoniously for the past 5 years before 2014 was on overdrive for the past 10 months.

I have tried every single thing that I can think of, that will not have any kind of severe side effects to my health.

Warm milk, simple carbs, natural sleep remedies, going to sleep earlier on the hour everyday, melatonin and even… Valium.

I was so close to using marijuana to treat my insomnia, but I figured that reporting to work, stoned, is not ethical. (You don’t say.). I have ‘people’ to make that possible for me. But , I looked the other way.

Pairing my sleep disorder with the hell, which is the horrendous traffic, meaning that I will have to wake up at 4/5 am everyday. Which means I have to be home by 7 pm and go to sleep at 9.30 pm.

But my body never allowed me to sleep at 9.30 pm. I would usually toss and turn on my bed, until it was well over 2 am. In the dark.  

The worst thing about all this was that, I would actually be conscious about the time I went to sleep, I will know that I will wake up groggy and unrested 2/3 hours later.

So tell me, is this a way to live in the long run?

Someone told me to stop what was doing and go and find another job. This was when it was still 3 months into the 'gig'. But knowing me, I told this person that I will adapt to it. Without a doubt, I will. I have always had a healthy and strong willpower.

However, on this, I came out battered and bruised, and it was my good luck that I managed to avoid a few road accidents that may have been the end of my life, as I know it.

Sometimes, we have to surrender to the one thing that we just can’t do. Soldiering on will not have any meaning.

I doubt my tombstone would dictate :

‘Here lies Ayu, she was a person who tried to convince herself that this job is worth being miserable for. Eventually, she died in a car accident due to lack of sleep and constant nonsense from her job.

However, she SOLDIERED ON UNTIL HER DEATH.’

Now what kind of fucking logic is that?

My entry on 31^st December will not include any kind of good words on 2014. When T passed away in 2012, it was a sad thing, but it didn’t affect me in a big way. When I got retrenched in 2013, I was anxious, but I was still reasonably—hopeful.

2014 made me re-evaluate myself in the worst way possible. At one point, I was irrational and that rendered me with a feeling of hopelessness.

I know it is still too early, but I hope 2015 will be better.

It fucking better be, because I am going to make it!

On a Quest For Happiness

Right now, I am devouring everything that I can to make myself happy.

At 35, I realized that all the money in the world is not going to actually make me happy.

I also realized that my perfect working hours are not the hours that would have been perfect for everyone else. I hate waking up in the morning. I can feel energized at 7 pm and I would hate myself, at 7 am.

To fix that, would take a LONG time.

I came across a Facebook Meme that quoted 'I am a daydreamer and night thinker.'

I became wildly obsessed with thinking at night.

And also, I cannot see myself giving my heart and soul to my work anymore. That much 'revered' corporate loyalty is no longer there.

I feel as if I am wasting my time in meetings and amateur decision making based on weak data and assumptions of second guessing what customers want.

So I have thrown in the towel on living life conservatively, based on how everyone is surviving.

Sure I still need money, maybe someday, I would even make more money, but the time is not now, and I would rather be a minimalist, then an unhappy, bitchy yogi.

Namaste...

Decision

I think I have been really pushing myself to the limits of what I cannot do.

I did a lot of thinking during the weekend. And I think this would be the best decision that I can ever take. So...

Quit I will. There are times, that perseverance and just taking the hit one after another is just not going to work.

I need to back up and take things slowly. I can't keep on waking up and think that I am never going to be able to do this. 

Of work. Part 2

I have a painful experience this year with work. I realized that I don't like my job. I actually had to admit that from the very beginning, I wasn't quite sure why I accepted the offer. 3 months in, I was technically suffering, and now almost a year in, I still am. 

I yearn for those times when I would be looking forward to work. Those times when I know coming in to work produce meaningful contribution. 

Here's the thing, I was not even making as much as I am making now. 

So maybe there is a little bit of regret, to this. I am still making sense of it. 

But, it's good to know just how far I can bend. And I am nearing the breaking point. 

It is ok to know what you can and cannot do. This would be one of those things that I can't. 

Namaste. 

Chandeliers .... And others

I was looking at a blank canvas when this struck me. 

How minuscule life really is. 

There are 7 billion people on earth now, and it's climbing as I sit here, sipping with my allegedly Israeli supporting coffee brand at the location of my new job... Well, if you consider 8 months... New. 

Global growth rate is at 1.8%, approximately. I can't even visualise 1 billion let alone 7. 

My existence is just really.... Small. 

I. Am. A. Speck.

So I seriously don't know why I am taking life so fucking seriously. I am dispensable and my existence pretty much questionable, as far as purpose is concerned. 

But I am going to hold on to the notion that, every single organism has a purpose. 

Even if it's only... As a speck. 

Goals

I have, since my retrenchment last year, become sort of, indifferent towards corporate loyalty. 

Instead of being dedicated and committed, I have become.... Sarcastic. And cynical. 

The thing is, I have goals, and I want, nay, neeeed to have that achieved. 

So now, I am figuring out how I can realize the goal, without thinking about the dispensable nature of our professional ethics. 

Work towards that goal Ayu, you won't be here forever. 

Something's got to give

I was looking at a Lego structure at Bangsar Village mall when I was asked by my best friend if I would rather be building that than to do what I am currently doing as a job.

Without missing a beat I said :

'I'd fucking choose the legos.'

See, something has to give. Is this the universe's way of telling me something about my current situation?

Ahh Madame Universe you tease....

Of work...

Have you ever thought to yourself what is it that you have always wanted to do? And why is it that you are doing what you are doing now? 

And so, with me, it has always been on happiness.. What makes me happy, whether it's the pursuit of it, or the attainment of happiness. Whether it's relative or material. 

I know I want to do something that is worth doing.. Not entirely sure if adding on a to corporate CEO bonus is what I want to contribute towards. 

How can we justify our importance, by doing something important? What are the things that we will have to sacrifice in order for us to go forth and achiever that possibility? 

I have too many questions that are in need of an answer now, I have no answers for any of those. 

On civility

Today, I am going to touch on the way things are. 

Right now, around me, things are not going so hot. 

I live in a place that's comparable to a ghetto. I started carrying a pepper spray when I moved here. My mum and my aunts worry about me all the time. As a single woman, I am vulnerable to every bad thing that can ever happen to one. 

But the thing is, it shouldn't be that way, should it? 

When I was in Hong Kong, a few things caught my eye. I am someone who is so paranoid, that I will never put my handbag on the table or the seat beside me, unless I am in a closed area. But the women over there are free to do so. And chances are, it will be ok. 

It's not that I am saying snatch cases don't happen in that part of the world, it's just that, it rarely happens, and it is something out of the ordinary. They don't have street signs warning pedestrians of purse snatchers. It is not a norm. 

The thing is, it shouldn't be. 

I have read about a few very disturbing stories about gang rapes and child murders these past couple of weeks. The 15 yo who was gang raped by 30 men, some blood related, in a state where the government are run by 'Islamists', for an example. 

There is an uproar on the case, from the NGOs, from politicians, from human and women rights advocates, but NONE from the governing 'Islamists'. 

The only noise I heard from one of them, is that this case is the reason why Hudud, is all the more justified. 

I say... Fuck that shit. Women's position in any religion is put on a lower threshold. We must have 4 witnesses to claim to being rape, what the hell kind of rule is that? Why is it that the 4 witnesses witnessing to an act of crime without doing anything about it? And how often can any kind of sexual assault be committed in public? 

Brainless. Pure stupidity and idiocy. One that I can't comprehend coming from grown men!

I got angrier when it comes to the children murders. The decapitated homeless girl took the cake. How is it, that a bunch of adults, who one claimed to be friends, lost sight of a 2 yo? I dont have kids but I will never let my nephew or niece alone anywhere! 

I was once told that we shouldn't say anything about things that happened, there are maybe circumstances that we can't understand. For an example, the leaving kids in the car to be discovered dead. I can't bloody fathom how a parent, whose heart and soul goes into loving and caring for a child you gave birth to, can actually let that happen? Maybe there are a few offs along the way... But even when you know things like these happened? To have more of these incidents happen within a span of two- three months? 

I don't understand. I guess they have never heard of the 'once bitten, twice shy' philosophy. 

If there is any one politician who is going all the way to fix this, without involving religious bullshit in their policies, I can tell you this, we, the observers and who believe in secular rights, will give our support to the cause. For now, that chance is slim. Very slim. And I will continue to sit on the fence with my pepper spray. 

Logic

I made two of my staff cry yesterday. 

One happened in front of my boss and one happened later on in the evening. 

One thing that I noticed in this team was that, the workload was too much for one person to take. It wasn't until I took over that I managed to bring my boss' attention to it. 

There was a lot of things that went unnoticed until I took over and went up mountains to tell it to everyone. 

Both of them was so overwhelmed with work that that broke down in during our 1:1s, one of them made me swear to not tell people that she actually cried in front of my boss, which is her second level boss. 

It was a triangular coaching session and my boss was assessing me. 

I have good people in my team, however I can understand the stress and pressure that they would feel with all the ridiculous volume and requests going back and fro from one team to another. 

In a very manual process, this is a very tricky thing to do. 

What I can do was to ask them to give me time for changes. Changes are inevitable. But it is coming. I have many things on my plate, balancing them had been a challenge last couple of months, but now I am becoming more of what was expected of me in this organisation. 

But, I refuse to change to the negative facade I can see some team leads emit. 

It's not healthy to be those people, and in block every unhealthy things from my system. 

Namaste. 

Negativity

I have to admit, with certain people, I tend to ... avoid them.

I know of a person who can get downright whiny that he drove me up the wall. I am a patient person.

I am a VERY patient person. So, there is a special place in hell for people who can drive me up the wall.

My parting gift to him was a coffee press for Christmas in 2012. I can never even imagine myself to be sitting at the same table. Again.

To an extent, this may sound mean, selfish... not a good thing for anyone to do.

But I am  doing myself a favor. I don't want to say bad things about this person anymore. I want to spare my best friend the pain of listening to me complaining about this person. I want to spare myself the negativity.

No point living with bitter observation of a person who is not good for you. And I am sure, that person would be glad to be rid of me too.

I wish him nothing but the best in his life. I am not the least sorry for not being there for or with him. I know he has a lot more friends who can handle his emotional outbursts better than I have.

Choices

Do you find yourself telling people that you have no choice but to do something at a specific point of time? 

Nowadays, I try to not say 'I don't have a choice.' 

Because, seriously, we always have choices. 

Ever read something on something as flimsy as Facebook to get an epiphany? Or.. Ok.. A realisation at the most. I read what an FB friend wrote on choices... And it urges my gray matter to respond to it. In a sense of agreement, I concur to the notion. 

Even in life and death situations, there are always choices. Your choices depend on what you place as your life priorities, and your priorities depend on who you are.

There are always at least two choices to a situation. There's never none. 

With that, make your choice if either positivity or negativity. Remember, the consequences will always be yours to bear. 

A moment of certainty...

I realized that all these while, I have been hanging in the balance between my sanity and my need to have a full life. 

A few years ago, I may have that need to be a corporate success. I want to have all the glory, to have that bitch stamp on my forehead. Then, I thought that would be a showcase of my achievement. 

But really, now, I think what I need to place more emphasis on would be my life, my non corporate endeavors, one that surpasses all sorts of material gain. 

I want to be happy. So fucking happy, that when it's all over, I can smile and leave this world knowing that I have done one thing right about life, and that is, living it the way it should have been. 

Namaste. 

Here goes

1) If you had all the money in the world, how would you choose to spend your life.

I have had different kind of perspectives when it comes to having money.

When I was a kid, I had very limited cash. My parents were not well to do folks. Everything we had was budgeted.

So I grew up wanting to have a lot of  money. I wanted to earn to be able to afford the things that I thought I needed.

So I thought about this for a long time yesterday.

If I have all the money in the world, I would like to have a normal life, low key. I would like to be able to teach yoga. I would like to be able to be an unassuming person. Of course, if I have all the money in the world, I think I will be able to have the chance to do a lot of things that I am not able to do now.

And I guess, a designer handbag wouldn't hurt.

That, and travel. To all the places I would like to go to.

And charity. I want to feed the starving and educate the poor.

And still be a normal person, with a normal life.

Again, a designer bag wouldn't hurt.

I am a human being afterall.

Life altering questions?

So, I was going throughout twitter when I came across this :

Now, if you are like me, who is constantly trying to figure out her purpose in life and especially on what she wants to do in life (like, for real.), this might be able to help. 

I mean, right about now, I think I would be need all the help that I can get in trying to figure out my life. 

Earlier on, I remarked casually on my Facebook, that, I would like to first achieve a 5 digit pay check. When that happens, I will hang up my greasy corporate ladder climbing gloves, and do what I want. 

Give and take, that may take me around.. Oh I don't know, another 10 years before I can earn that much. 

It is funny that no matter how, I would always think of my future as a single person. 

Don't get me wrong, I would love to meet someone and probably build an (alternate?) future with him (or her, let's keep an open mind on this.. Haha!).. But for now, I can't include someone else in. 

But yeah... I intend to post my future blog post based on these questions. I would like to make a big deal out of it. Watch this space. 

Now anyone can...

Write.

Yes.

Anyone who can afford to buy a decent laptop can write.

As in, write, published and the works.

I found out how easy it was to have your works published as an e-Book. Now the only thing that you will have to think about is whether you want to earn revenue from it, or not.

When I was younger, I was given my youngest Aunt's typewriter. She studied office management in high school so when she graduated, she no longer needed the typewriter and decided to 'bestow' it upon me. I gleefully accepted.

It is just a matter of whether you have enough confidence and enough creativity to have your work published or not. A friend remarked that I might want to consider writing fiction and try to have it published online, or better, published as a book.

'Who knows, you may be the next JK Rowling.'

'I don't know if I would buy MY own book.' I said, with a smirk.

I smirk, a lot, when people tell me that I should record YouTube videos of me singing, because turned out (To them) that I can sing... decently.

Anything that requires me to be in that creative process, I will smirk. Should I resign to a lifetime of paper pushing and the endless hours of making raw meaningless data, meaningful? Should I cultivate an ambition of staying with a company for more than 5 years in the hope of being cross bordered overseas?

I really don't know. As a matter of fact, I don't actually know what I want to do, or end up as. All I know is that I am happy on my yoga mat, or meditating on a weekend for more than 20 minutes.

But who knows eh? I may just have a book published ... well.. about something... some time... in the future. Afterall, I have the typing speed of over 70-80 wpm. Should get that into profitable use, at least. :P

Congratulations on being selected as a STUDENT

I signed up for a degree program recently.

Taking into account my overall strength in writing, even though what I am currently doing as a profession has nothing to do with writing, I took Communications as my major.

I love writing. I have always had more talent with words than I do with numbers and statistics, although in a cruel twist of irony, I ended up in a job where I have to know how to calculate FTEs in my head.

I figured, I have to take that step now, and just work on a scroll. Afterall, I was told many times that I would have gone a lot further than I have now, if it is not because of the fact that I am lacking in the degree department.

I am a firm believer in life experience credibility rather than a cred printed out in ink on a piece of paper. A degree is just a really expensive way of telling the world that you have successfully spent a genormous amount of money on theoretical skills.

It is easier for me now that I can apply my professional management experience into my studies. I am much more level headed (I would like to think that I am) and much more mature in handling time challenges. Having the cash to study the way I want to is a big plus. I can never see myself studying with a flask of designer coffee, with a laptop, iPad and a Moleskine notebook, if I was still a 'student, student'.

Taking on the degree program also means that I have a lot to cut back on in terms of costs in my expenditures. Somehow it is easier to do now that I am living on my own in a land 'far far away' from all types of worldly temptations. (Yeap).

I always try to inject a certain amount of comical quality in my endeavors. I have the ability to laugh at myself and also be judgmental at myself.

Work is still, well... a bit frustrating. But I have good support from my peers, although sometimes I think that they are more sympathetic more than anything else.

Well, I will just need to have this work.

Namaste. 

Into the third month

I am having acute migraines. 

Why am I having acute migraines?

Umm

I think the other reason why I haven't been blogging recently is because of my, unhappiness.

Sooner or later, I will have to decide on what I need to do to figure this out, because it is confusing me, and it is stressing me out.

I remembered when I was a team lead at the former company, I make less by half of what I make now... but... guess what? I was happy.

I was arguing with the onshore on processes and had to also take care of the quality for the whole team, AT THE SAME TIME, but I was happy.

I WAS HAPPY.

I couldn't afford most of the stuff I have right now...

But...

I WAS HAPPY.

I might come across as whiny, but I miss those days...

I miss being.. happy.. like really. Like looking forward to work, because I meant something. I have no need to deal with the drama from other people, because I was focusing more on my own work.

And I was happy.

So what does that, tell me?

I really don't know. 

Recently...

I have not had any time for the blog.

I am almost on the verge of stopping the blog.

But the thought of not writing, even if it is for my own self's sanity, seems... insane.

So in the midst of all that's frustrating and sad, MH370 being one of it, I will try to soldier on.

Soldiering... ON.

Erk

I have yet to settle down in my new job. To be honest, I understand, kind of, how the corporate culture like in this company that I am now attached with.

But I also have my concerns. A few things tick me off. Incompetence somehow, frustrates me.

I have yet to get my own laptop (Yes) and I am extremely, upset over that. I feel as if I am not, well, welcomed. I guess that was one of the reason why as a Manager, I always make sure that my new hires are given every single support they need from me. and that's also part of the reason why I am known as someone who is, defensive of my people. Now the table has been turned on me, and I am wondering what is it that I have done wrong to deserve this.

Ha ha, kind of trivial I know, but when it involves your livelihood, it is normal for anyone to feel the way I feel.

The traffic is still killing me softly, although I have found another less frustrating no less slower than the other route. I guess I will just have to get used to this. Make myself used to this.

I am still trying to find out if I am actually happy in this new position. I have yet to feel that... properly. I don't know when.

But I think it should take more than 2 weeks on the job to give me a clear answer.

Be blessed, Namaste.

Ayu

You either do, or you don't

I feel that I must apologize for my lack of commitment to updating this blog.

Things had been, different. I guess it comes with the new job and role that I am taking over.

Anyway.

Because of the ridiculous KL traffic that puts me in a tricky situation when it comes to going home after work, I have decided to join the gym located in my new office's building.

My first workout was yesterday. I was not really surprised to find that it was... Crap.

I had no stamina and I was weak. I was thinking and running at the same time and it was not great.

My left leg had a mild cramp and I was floored after 45 minutes.

Mind you that before this, I would usually work out for more than 2 hours... Daily.

On the way home, I was doing an RCA (Root Cause Analysis.. ;p) on my crappy workout.

First thing's first, my diet was absolutely irregular. Since I started work, lunch was non - existent. I am very new in the office. I have no friends, and everybody seemed to work on lunch. I was.. well... lost. which is quite normal if you are new.

So, obviously, I didn't have anything for lunch. I had a grande size mocha for breakfast and for my lunch (-ish) I had a grande size mocha and a piece of bread.

The rest of the day was spent in one meeting after another.

So by 6 pm, I was spent. My energy was depleted. But I soldiered on to gym.

OBVIOUSLY, I had a crappy workout.

Okay, so, my Goal plan for now is to...

Eat more, have a better workout.

And oh. Happy January everyone.

With Love, Namaste.

2014!!! *Waves*

So, January so far had been full of things.

Good things mostly, but it is tiring me out. Right now I am just glad for my coffee and my me time, that seemed to still be undisturbed, at the moment.

On the job front, let's say.. I am on the right track. I am blessed.. truly.

Happy New Year everyone!

With Love, Namaste.