Flashback and self reflection

I read my past posts today.

All the way from 2007.

I don't know if I have become a better person. Physically, yes, I changed... BIG TIME.

But deep down, I am pretty much the same fat girl who was struggling with esteem issues.

I cringed when I saw this :

This was me, 6 years ago. The one in white on the right.

Only 6 years ago, I was broke, I was living with my parents, and I was fat.

6 years later, this picture made me realize how much I have, changed.

I have grown more adept, spiritually, albeit, still with a slight self deprecatory, habit that I am still working on.

And... happier.. to an extent. Not to mention, a bit more flexible, I would like to believe, both physically, and mentally.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

I have my issues, but really, I am totally blessed.

Sometimes I pause in the middle of my hectic erratic schedule and look at my photos on FB. 

The photos never failed to make me smile. I am maybe not that maternal / family oriented, but I cherish my family, friends and all living beings. 

I believe if I give out positive karma, I will get just that in return. One can only hope. And one can't only think good thoughts and do kind acts expecting something in return. 

Sincerity is important. 

I hope I can be a spiritual gangster in time. ;)

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Respect

“If you're betrayed, release disappointment at once.
By that way, the bitterness has no time to take root.” 

― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

--

On my FB account, I follow a specific FB page called Bitter, Heartless Bitch.

Why? Well, I like reading the posters they make on their page. Some of them I can relate to. 

I am afterall, 20% bitter. 

However, sometimes I do feel... well, kind of disturbed by the posts. 

I am bitter, I am somewhat bitchy, but I am not that way all the time. I do think in order for me to get respect, I have to respect myself first. And vice versa. 

Announcing to people about your bitchiness is fine but not the extent of, putting people off, or putting them down. 

Everyone is unique. And due to different life experiences, we tend to grow bitter. 

We ARE human. 

But I would like to think that our bitterness has its'... downtime. 

The thing is, although acknowledging something that you are, is a good thing, I think, if it's a 'flaw', strutting it around 'proudly' is somehow... pointless. 

If you know that you have a fixable flaw, wouldn't it be better for it to be fixed?

Being bitter, is fine. It is human. But, we should also stop being bitter too long, because it's no way to live life. 

I can be wrong. But, I am all for living life peacefully rather than making me unbearable.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Thoughts

I would like to think that some day, I would be able to find someone just like Tom to spend the remainder of my life with.

Well, maybe a version of Tom who would fall in love with me, just like how I have fallen in love with him.

The hardest time in the day is when I would be at home, on my bed, looking at the ceiling, forcing myself to sleep.

This would be the time when I would be attacked by thoughts. Past thoughts. And be plagued by future concerns.

I believe that Karma is repaid on a daily basis. When I stopped all contact with a friend a few months ago, I know that it will come back to me. At that point, I figured, I don't want to do the thing that I did anymore. I don't want to keep on trying to grin and bear with something I can't actually stand. I gave up on that friendship.

The last thing I told him that he never quite understood was the fact that he was overzealous in the friendship. I just didn't and never really wanted to put too much effort in it.

Yes... that was mean of me.

However, I believe I was being kind to both myself and him by ending the friendship. He irritated me. I should not grin and bear with him if I can't stand him. I should not inflict myself with that mean pessimism.

I should not give out or reflect negative energy to anyone. I do not want to be with someone just because I needed someone to forget about Tom, which was why I hung out with him more than I would usually do with anyone I rarely know.

I released him from my wrath. I was angry... with Tom. And I didn't handle it that well.

I apologized, and I stopped any form of contact with the person.

It's better that way.

And I never look back. 

We excuse our sloth under the pretext of difficulty. ~Marcus Fabius Quintilian

SK Patthabi Jois once said anyone can practice yoga, except for lazy people.

Most of the people I have spoken to, who asked me about yoga, would shake their heads and said that Yoga is not for them.

... That they are not able to stretch that far, or will never be able to see themselves doing all those crazy 'stunts'.

I rarely take these excuses at face value.

For one, if I actually believe all the excuses I made for myself,  I would not be able to do all the 'crazy stunts' I am doing now.

Growing up, I was kind of athletic but I have never been able to do some of the things that are deemed too 'physical' for me.

I can't cartwheel, ever. I think I can now, but I have not tried... yet.

Yoga was alien to me. Yoga was... absurd... and weird.

I gave excuses, to myself, convincing myself that yoga is not for me.

And now look at me, attempting a deeper chakrasana.

Next... eka pada chakrasana.


Do away with excuses. I am sure we can all use positive attempts.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

It's been 7 months...

Since the last time I know love.

I'm still searching. 

Nirvana

I am a bit... confused. 

My 2nd Guruji told me that he would like to retract himself from all worldly relations that has been hindering him in obtaining the true meaning of the practice. 

What I know, is that Siddharta Ghautama Buddha tried to attain sense by getting away from it all. 

He was a hermit, with a bunch of yogis who chose to follow his lead, by ostracising himself from their surroundings. 

One day Buddha decided that everything should strike a balance, and Nirvana was obtained when he has acknowledge that he fears nothing, even himself. 

Now the concept of Nirvana is summed up in Wiki as :

Nirvāṇa (Sanskrit: निर्वाण; Pali: निब्बान nibbāna ; Prakrit: णिव्वाण) is an ancient Sanskrit term used in Indian religions to describe the profound peace of mind that is acquired with moksha (liberation). In shramanic thought, it is the state of being free from suffering. In Hindu philosophy, it is union with the Brahman (Supreme Being).

The word literally means "blown out" (as in a candle) and refers, in the Buddhist context, to the imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion, and delusion have been finally extinguished.^[1]

So, as you can see it has nothing to do with physical exclusion from human relations. 

Human relations here did not just mean, sexually. It includes everything else.

So, do we really have to make sure that all kinds of relationships are severed to attain nirvana?

I believe Nirvana is subjective. My type of desired Nirvana might not be the same with the person sitting next to me. 

I am really hoping for this to make sense. I just want to be in peace with myself, to love myself more than what I am doing now. And to extend whatever help I can to people who needs it and deserves it.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Savasana cry me a river

I admit, I have kind of... drifted off to sleep during savasana (Corpse pose - Closing/Restoration).

I have no idea if I snored (I sure hope not). I am not a snorer in nature but after a vigorous practice, who knows.

My Guruji never gave us corny self reflection meditational speech during savasana too. And we savasana in silence.

Which is great. I can't help myself from cringing or smiling sarcastically whenever I join a class where the teacher will start saying things like 'You are beautiful just the way you are.'

Mainly because, I know that... I don't really need anyone to remind me of that. I say that mantra in my meditation every day. I repeat that 108 times x 3 in a day.

Eversince Tom passed, I found that I have become much more of a crybaby than I was before.

However, I have never quite experienced that whole... savasana awakening. You know, where people 'wake up' from the dead and start bawling. It troubles me sometimes. I thought that maybe, I am not suitable for the practice, if my spirituality is unable to reach to that level.

But, hey... Yoga is never a competition. No one should ever compete for a 'Savasana Awakening' as well.

Maybe I am just too hard to break. Too emotionally unavailable.

Maybe I will some day change. But I can tell you that it's never going to be now.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu