ISSUES

It is my belief that everyone should have their own system in dealing with misery.

That system is that person's own. I will not try to change their own way of dealing with issues. I will not try to shove any shit, whether it's philosophical or religious, up their asses.

Most importantly, I will NEVER try to tell someone I don't know (I.e -->other bloggers or FB 'friends' I don't know in person.) what they should do.

For obvious reasons.

I am searching for peace, yes. But I find no peace in submitting to any religious notions. Been there, done that. Until I was more of a wreck trying to yank myself out of the whole hypocritical bullshit.

A blogger who is also on my FB, said that peace is subjective. My 'misery' is something I need to handle myself. The only people who has the right to help me, would be my friends.

Personally, as a blogger, I would never try to tell a fellow blogger I never know, what to do in their situation. Unless I am in contact with this person offline, that would render my opinions zilch.

I would not judge this person and tell them that they are miserable because they don't have faith in the Almighty etc. Faith is overrated.

My faith is universal. My faith is humanity.

Perhaps I am miserable, for NOW. It will take time for me to get out of it.

Until then, please get this in your head. My misery is my problem, alone.

No Preachers Allowed

Full Stop.

Stop

Many times, from September last year, I woke up crying.

I will be a sobbing mess. Sometimes I didn't even know why, most of the time, it was because of one particular reason. 

No I am not going to elaborate on the reason. 

After wiping my tears and gathering my sad self together, I unrolled my mat and started by sitting in a lotus position, donning the mudras and closed my eyes. 

It's a strange feeling, if I can ever come as close to describing it. It's a mixture of surrender, pain and joy all in one. I focus most of it on my breathing, and on that day itself. 

I have always acknowledged death as a natural cycle. It became more apparent since the incident. Death brings a strange kind of epiphany to the living. Unresolved questions don't help. 

I am as human and woman as I can get when it comes to dealing with death. 

There was resentment, anger and frustration. 

When my Yoga teacher recently asked how was it going with me, I pursed my lips, smiled and said 'Good.' and quickly changed the topic to his vacation. 

Of course, it was a lie. I seek refuge in Yoga, convinced myself that I am not good enough for anyone and resigned to getting the worst that life has to offer so far. 

Growing up, I didn't have much choice. Now that I am 'grown', to an extent, I became dismissive, slightly bitter and is strangely, accepting. 

I don't know how long I have left to live my life. I am not asking for much. 

With Love. 

Ayu

Bleah

Lately, I find it hard for me to know anyone new.

Actually, it's not hard, it's more 'I-Just-Can't-Be-Bothered' to know anyone new, to make friends, to start a 'spark', romantically or as acquaintance. 

I am happy with the people around me right now. My best friends and some of the friends I keep close. I distanced myself from people I can't stand or of opposing personalities. 

See, the thing about me is that, I like my private space. Unless you are any one of my best friends, hanging out with you every weekend is not something I'd like to do. My best friends are kind of like me. They like their space, and we are there for each other, whenever there is a need to. 

They know when I am quiet, I just am, there is no reason for you to ask why. They know when I am tired, I would rather be left alone. They know I don't like drama, I don't like unreasonable intensity, I don't like emotional fucking bullcrap. I don't like people who are dormant, I don't like reaffirmation. Asking for an advice from me is a one time thing. Only ask me for advice from me on things that matter, and pace yourself. 

Don't ask me every other time, 5 times a week. I am not there to tell you on how to live your life. You should be able to pull the trigger on your own. 

Life is your choice. No one and nothing else should determine how you would like to live your life. 

I was told that one of the mechanism of a relationship was 'reaffirmation'... or 'involving' the other individual in your affairs. 

Unless it's matters like moving to another country, having kids, financial organization, I don't think you should involve too much of the other person. You should retain who you are. I am not so sure about 100% honesty in any relationships. Nobody can actually say what's wrong and what works for them. Relationship advice is not 1 size fits all. 

Right now, I have two people who I met in the last 3 weeks. But I am not sure if I want to take it to another level, even as friends. 

It's a tiring thing to know people, especially men. I am not so sure if there is a relevance to the 'be friends then lovers' theory.

Why can't we just go ahead and just.... do. And Be. 

I can't be bothered to ... right now. I would rather be on my mat and practice my trikonasanas and Chaturangas than going out on dates. 

I is intermediate

I have been toying with the idea of taking up intermediate Hatha class lately.

I am not sure, I am a bit intimidated. But I know that the class would be the only means for me to learn Sirsasana (Headstand).

People asked me if this 'yoga thing' I have been doing (For the last 2 years, on and off, nevertheless) is a phase.

The definition of a phase, I think, is something that is shortlived. I think 2 years is not exactly short.

I was asking myself too if what I am doing right now is indeed a phase.

I can safely say, that, it is not a phase. I have tried to enjoy physical exercises in many forms. Although I lost weight through gym workouts and kind of like self punishment through circuit training, I was searching for one I actually love, and gives me the same kind of challenge without it becoming a burden.

Yoga does that.

Aside from the RM 300+ yoga mats, and having to set aside RM 600 for nice chic yoga attire (it is important for me to stress that you don't need all those things to practice Yoga, but if you are like me, who is vain, I think it is also important for me to stress that, that is how much you are looking to fork out to sweat and still look glamorous) the only thing you will have to pay is the class fees that you can choose to pay by drop-in sessions or if you like, commit to a specific number of classes that you can attend a week and pay monthly fees for that.

I like that rather than paying RM 198/ month for gym and an extra RM 1500 for 8 sessions of personal training.

And get this, I lost weight, and is more toned, just by practicing Yoga.

On top of that, I also get 1 hour of 'Spiritual Me Time' for 60 mins every day.

You don't get that by lifting a 15 pounder barbell.

As for the intermediate class, I am still thinking about it, maybe one day, I will be able to do a headstand and post it in here.

Hair Evolution

I was going through my photos. Over the last 3 years, I changed.

Long hair era. Yes in this photo I looked extremely sleepy, because I was. At this point I think I have not slept for almost 24 hours.

SNIP SNIP... Mid length hair. My hair was really difficult to deal with at this point.

My current style.

The short haired wench failed in trying to grow her hair after that.

My best friend said that I look better with short hair. I look, more together, more content.

What do you think?

Be still my broken heart

I can say that I am a bit of a morbid person.

A bit unsettling and dark...

And... negative.

I have always thought what if  I die when I go on a long distance trip. What would happen to my belongings, and if it's going to be better for the people who knows/knew me.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing thinking about death and its' aftermath. All I know is that I always thought that I haven't live life enough. I want to keep on living life the way I am supposed to be. Obstacles however, make it easy for me to give up, 96% of the time.

I seriously do not know what I want to do in life. I don't know what I can do career-wise though I think it's high time for me to move on and do something else. I am not sure if I want to be in another relationship although my resolution did list 'finding a boyfriend' as one of the objective for 2013.

I am not sure about anything now. Even life itself is as fragile as egg shells.

My life is in the hands of the universe. I am an insignificant speck. Do as you will with me.

Ayu

In Yoga I trust

Courtesy of www.mugsforcoffee.com

It keeps my heart in check, it keeps my bum hot and sexy, keeps my pounds off, keeps my conscience clear and keeps me.... zoned out. 

Inhale... and keep OM. 

Ayu

First entry in 2013

So... we survived the apocalypse.

No zombies, just us... and a few degenerates, mostly politicians and holier than thou religious psychos.

If there would be a zombie apocalypse ala 'Walking Dead', I would want them to go and gnaw the faces off those people first. Just throw those bitches to the 'herd'!

Anyway... have a great New Year everybody.

I am still crawling through depression, but at least, I have my yoga to hold on to.

Love, post Mayan apocalypse,

Ayu

posted from Bloggeroid