I, Malaysian

I have friends who had been criticizing Malaysia non - stop.

They are actually criticizing Malaysian politics, with all the idiotic hullabaloo of 1Malaysia but still having the honest to God hypocritical 'Bumiputera' policy and also somehow throwing religious fatwas and 'opinions' on every small thing but the one that matters.

But... that is Malaysian politics. I love Malaysia. I love the country.

I love its' weather, although at times it gets humid and rains all day. I love the fact that our people have more heart than say... one 'neighbor' in particular. I love that Malaysians are not as plastic as the other small island which is filled with arrogant snobs.

One thing about me is that I criticize, but I never raise other countries on my head too. Some people do.

The only thing I can say is .. if you like it there so much... move over there lah.

Guess what... you will still be known as an ex-Malaysian. Malaysia will forever be plastered on your personal information section wherever...

Selamat Hari Merdeka everyone. Keep on criticizing the assholes who run the country, but give our country a break.

Eat... Pray... Love... Ummm????

No, I did not read the book. As a matter of fact, I am not even bothered to. ;)

But I DO love the title. Except that my best friend actually said that the only thing that I can relate to would be 'Eat'.

'I pray. I kind of... talk to God.'

'Ok. Given. You don't love though... do you?'

'I love. I love you who is my friend, I love cats, I love my family, I love yoga, I love Wiwa... heck... I'd even love NSA if I am allowed to, maybe not in that 'kind' of way.'

And.. yes... I love the title of the book, although the storyline is blah. I don't and can't do chick lit.

I love the fact that I can love but I won't love just anyone because I think I deserve more than something that I can just settle for because it/he/she is just there.

I can't be unpicky. I am picky... and I thank God for that.

And no,  I am not in love with anyone (except for myself). I want to be but no luck so what the hell. I'll leave it as it is. ;)

There are more

Things in life than work....

There is play, there is love... and there are dreams to chase.

It counts to be absofuckinglutely sure about how to do it too.

Why....

Do we want to be in a relationship if it is only .... going to make you feel tortured and miserable?

I forgot how it was to be in a relationship / in love so I am not going to say anything about those two... but I know I would rather get out (This happened when I was in a relationship with Racist Pig) then to stay...

Or am I wrong?

Ummm...

My 5 cents (2 cents cannot use already. Obsolete)

When I was small, I was taught that people who don't fast has a passport straight to hell.

For a 5 year old, this is pretty big. We were brought up with that very straightforward concept of heaven and hell.

That is -- every little kid who calls other little kids 'Bodoh' (Stupid) is going to hell, and everyone else who didn't, go to heaven.

Addressing self as 'Aku' (A more casual, somewhat rougher, version of I) and others as 'Kau' was frowned upon.

... And therefore is the language of those who is sooo going to hell.

I told you for a 5 year old, this was pretty heavy stuff.

I was wondering if I, as a 5 year old actually thought that with all these don'ts, well... what can we actually do? Or say? Or is my God really so petty that He wouldn't even forgive kids for saying all those bad things.

Granted that calling other kids 'Bodoh' are fun bad but the point of the matter is, why was it that adults had to drag in the concept of Heaven, hell and God into the equation.

Instead of loving God, we were taught to be fearful of God. Instead of God as the one entity who has so lovingly provided us, He became the punisher, who enjoys throwing kids around in hell.

I turned out fine of course. I learned that calling other people 'Bodoh' is okay provided that they deserve the title, I learned that it is just so odd addressing myself as 'saya' when you are already on a 'tepuk tampar' (fooling around) stage with friends.

I also learned that this whole concept of God, Heaven and Hell is really what we, as individuals make of it.

Take fasting as an example. There are people right now, in this modern times, who still fast because they are more concerned about what other people are saying if they don't. Others decided that it is ok for them to not fast in their own house but all of the sudden they refrain from drinking and eating outside of the house.

The question is Why? When I was not fasting, I didn't see the point of me hiding it. I could not fast because of a valid reason. And plus I don't care what other people think. What business do they have in my affairs or thoughts with MY God anyway?

I was overjoyed when I can fast at last. I fast because I want to, because I think it's the least I can do for my God. He did give me what I was hoping for, except maybe he is holding a bar on my personal life for now, only because I think He knows maybe I am not that ready for another person to ruin be in my life now.

Heaven and Hell is right here on earth. What you do is what you get. You do bad things, you get bad things. You do good things, you will end up with good things. Karma, the golden rule...

Whoever said that it is a must that everyone will be judged during the end of time? Why would God the Almighty, wait so long for you to accumulate your wrong doings and to only give what you deserve after you are dead. Isn't it better to smack you when you are still alive.

God is, the most powerful entity and he can turn back time if he thinks he want to.

That said, I would rather be the shorts wearing, tube dresses and heels adoring, sincere, God loving person than an all covered up, God fearing and reward expecting (With every so called 'ikhlas' deed) person.

Ni lagi bulan Ramadhan ni. Kata bersederhana, pergi Pasar Ramadhan beli makanan untuk 10 orang bagai padahal kat rumah ada dua orang je. Nak Raya ni, sofa yang belum setahun pun kau nak tukar semata-mata nak tunjuk kat jiran sebelah yang kau banyak fulus. Gelang emas beli tahun lepas belum puas pakai dah mintak suami beli yang baru. Motif?

About the exes

I have always been listening about nightmare tales from friends about their exes.

More often than not, those stories would make us think about how stupid we were in the first place to let ourselves be attracted to those assholes in the first place.

So in the end, we were the assholes.

Some of my friends eventually found their soulmates. Some are just bitter about still being stuck with someone who could be a splitting image of their exes (To this my response would usually be What the Flying Fuck?!).

Me... I am just ok with how things are going now. Loneliness aside, having no one to dictate you feels so... liberating.

But yes, the loneliness and no one to fall back to is kind of... taxing.

...And tiring... at times.

I have great friends, don't get me wrong... but they naturally have their own life to deal with that it would only make me feel guilty to even try to complain to them about my work personal life.

Some of them had found their happiness after so long that even to complain to them about a broken nail (Not that I have any) made me feel... guilty.

Honestly though, except for the ex who I caught sleeping with someone else and also the racist pig I was with for less than 3 months, all of my exes had been either wonderful and/or insignificant and forgetful.

 Last weekend I was having a pre- buka puasa session with some of my friends at a petrol kiosk (Long story la) and we started talking about exes.

And then I discovered with much 'awe' that I have forgotten the name of the racist pig ex.

I know he was a racist pig, and have called him as such, but I forgot his real name. It wasn't until an hour after that I finally managed to remember his name... even then I was not sure...

I was going,"It might have been.. or maybe... I am not sure I remembered..."

I guess, subconsciously, I managed to block that pig out of my head.

All the time during the conversation, there were only 2 people that I was thinking about, and all of them are still pretty much in glued in my brain.

Both of them are now expecting a baby from other women. I love them both dearly. And they are still pretty much involved in my life.

I have been told by good friends of mine that I have to move on, distant myself away from them and just ... find someone else who would be able to love me and appreciate me just the way I am.

I guess I should attempt that.

But unless you are in a fulfilling relationship with someone right now... you will end up just thinking, maybe it might have just worked, if I had changed something.

My life right now is pretty much all me. I think about what I would want to be in 5-10 years from now and strangely, there is only me in that picture up in my head.

UNLESS... someone comes along and proves me wrong.

** On a separate note, I think Hollywood should be banned or something for making all those love stories that are very unrealistic and too good to be true. Try making my life into a movie... it would be too stupid and sad in the beginning and then just... Blah towards the end.

Second week of Puasa... and I am still not fasting

... I think there might be people who would love to be in my position now. 

However, missing the first day of Puasa is like missing the first day of Raya. I can't help my body though right?

I have been taking it slow since it is fasting month. I believe many of us are. I am still very much into working out although I have turned down my exercise a notch. 

I have been following this lady on YouTube for her simple and easy Yoga instructions. FYI, Yoga is a great low impact exercise that can actually work on your core strength. 

I have people who still thinks that somehow, Yoga is wrong to do just because they are Muslims.

Let me tell you this, unless, you are at the same time chanting in sanskrit, that is bullshit.

Easy?

My flexibility is still in the works, but I am taking it slow and one at a time. 

It is large;y thanks to my work out, which is a combination of cardio, weight training and Yoga that I managed to look like this and stay that way for months. 

Never say never darlings. If I can do it, so can you... ALL it takes is a lot of discipline. :)

I think that people might have already gotten the idea. I have been trying to find a decent Yoga mat and had been told everywhere that it is SOLD OUT. Really? I have gone to close to 8 Nike shops (Yes I am a Nike freak) and was told that they ran out. Seriously? So I had to hold on to my cheapo Yoga mat for now... 

Last weekend was a fun one, first of all we have finally gotten around to going to SPCA Ampang. I have been thinking of adopting a cat, and SPCA had always been the first choice. I have friends who wanted to sell me rare breeds on discounted price (From RM 500 to 450... erm.. yeah.) but I want a cat not for breeding/selling, I want a cat because I want company. 

Am I becoming a cat lady? No... I have always love cats. I can identify myself in them. I admire the way they live. They live life to the fullest, totally in control of what they want (Except maybe their bathing schedule) and they would love you but would never show it. 

In short, they are not dogs... they don't act the doormat way, they don't beg, they ... insist.

SPCA

This is the cat that I totally have chemistry with. I have decided to call it Mocha Minah. I would only be going back this weekend to officially adopt it. Krishna asked what if somebody adopted her first. I think it's fine. If it's meant to be mine, then it might still be there waiting for me. :)

Also, last weekend was the first time that I actually modeled for something. Hidayah, one of our friends asked us to model for her sister's clothing line which is selling online. We agreed because we are cheap excited that we get to have some of the clothes that were on sale as umm.. payment. 

To be honest, the dresses are ok. The price is affordable and pretty. It is catering mostly to tudung wearing women who wants to look hot at the same time. 

During the shoot... :D

However they also have some mini dresses for those who like to show a little bit of flesh. I rate it decent and pretty... great for casual outings with friends or maybe a date... but not for crubbing yea....

I love this dress, fought over it with Joyce who also modeled that day. :)... well... I reserved it first so it is now just waiting for me to put on again. Still waiting for my other two dresses. :D

In case you readers want to check the line out, visit www.hijabiboutique.net. 

Woohaaa!!

On the first day of Puasa, I rushed back from work at 5 am to prepare sahur.

My sahur? Cheese omelette with milk.

I went to sleep around 6.30 am and woke up at 12 pm and was unable to get back to sleep.

So I put on my jeans and tank and went out. Decided to buy a yoga mat and was walking around aimlessly in Curve since I am not able to eat anything.

And then I decided to drop by at Giant Kota Damansara to buy some stuff. I felt like cooking my favorite break fast dish since I was a kid, beef cooked in soy sauce.

I guess I was walking around thinking of things that were all mixed up between personal and work stuff. I took the elevator and while walking towards the car park... I slipped and fell on my bum.

You know those slopes on the pavement made for shopping carts? Dammit, that was the cause of my fall.

Actually, it was more because of my cheap RM 10 Bata slippers.

See, I am not a screamer. I didn't have the voice for it. I have always been the quiet type.

I have always joked that if I am to be one of the characters in those slash and gore flicks, I would be the first person to die. ;p

Thankfully, my ass still have some cushioning left so I didn't really feel sore when I fell. There were not many people around too (Thank God!). However an auntie did kind of scream squealed and the middle eastern guy who runs the carpet shop came out to check out the din.

Only to find a flat chested, ample bummed woman sitting on the pavement with a sheepish grin plastered on her face.

And I find it was funny that I was more concerned about the bottle of soy sauce that was in my shopping bag.

Imagine if that was to break! I would be soy-ed...

So after a drive back which I was not able to remember at all, I walked up to the apartment and changed to something more comfortable to start preparing the ingredients.

And then I discovered that I am not able to fast. My 'red russia' visited me... no wonder I was moody. I thought the pain that I felt down the bottom half of my body was because of the fall, when it was actually because of the monthly affair.

But I prepared the ingredients anyway. It was a very easy dish to prepare.

You will just have to mince a couple of garlic cloves with half a bell of onion, saute them in olive oil. Wait until the onions and garlic caramelize before pouring in half a glass of water, and then maybe around a quarter to half a cup of soy sauce (salty variety), let it simmer for 5 minutes before putting in the beef.

I like to put chillis in mine. Some love putting in cinnamon sticks and star anise. I am not really into spices that much.

I remembered having this dish either for sahur or break fast when I was small. It was one of the dishes that was taught to me by my Mum because it was so simple!

I was taught to cook since I was 8. By 12 YO, I am able to 'conjure' a meal for the whole family.

So yes... that was my first day of puasa for you. For the next 5 days, I would not be able to fast. That means, I can go and have breakfast like usual and my coffee bean fix.

And how crazy was it that in August 2008, I was 12 KG heavier and emotionally driven?

I can actually still feel that numbing emotional pain when I was going through the old entries. I can still smell the air when it happened.

And now... I am just emotionally... anaesthesized. Boy, reading old blog entries sure are... strange.

Wooohaaaa!

Apakah?

I realized that I might be slacking these past couple of weeks.

One day I sort of dropped everything I was in the middle of doing (reading, internet, gym, yoga... whatever) and just started to reflect on life.

a) Some people might think that I am successful, this fiercely independent 31 year old woman whose faith in being an individual never falters.

b) Some might think that I am just a confused, miserable, pathetic single woman who has been unable to actually snatch a guy.

Some might also think that aside from being (a) and / (b), I am also a woman who is totally sacreligious. The fact that I wear all those stuff a Muslim (or a Malay? Wah... even writing this made me feel stupid.) should NEVER wear is enough to make people think that the road I am on is paved towards hell.

My reflection got me thinking about my career options.

I am a workaholic. I guess by now you guys should have known that.

The equation is this :

1) I have 60% control of my body. I changed my body in less than a year and managed to maintain my weight as it is for more than a year.

2) I have 10% control of my personal life. Most of the time I am annoyingly afraid, confused and unwilling to take that step.

3)  I have 90% control over my work. My career buys me all the stuff that I have. I am hiding behind my credit card(s), shoes, bags, dresses and make up. I can buy them when I want them, stop using them when I feel like I don't want to and get rid of them when I get sick of them.

I have an ego the size of the universe.

Well... when it comes to work.

And then come my personal life and my ego shrunk to the size of a speck.

So... I buy stuff that makes me look hot. I wear an attitude that no man can actually take and I make friends with people who understands me.

What can I say... I am an acquired taste.

Things

I did something rather naughty today.

It is for me to know, my best friends to find out, and for others to never find out.

>_<

--

I had another conversation with God earlier while I was driving to the office around two hours ago.

There comes a time when all you want is another person to share things with... as in a man, to fall back to, to do 'stuff' with and to fight and make up with.

I do somewhat wish that the chemistry I have with an NSA could be more than it is right now.

And then I was always stumped at how I have always missed him as a friend... and also how I am not good enough for him.

I don't really know why I use the 'I am not good enough' excuse more recently.

Recently meaning... for the past couple of years.

Always, when it comes to my personal life... I always think I am not good enough.

Finding out that one of my ex who I keep in touch with is having a baby with another woman is kind of... disturbing...

So I was not good enough to be the mother of his child. That kind of hurts me.

Having a child aside... what I want is a companionship that goes further than a sleepover or a fortnight breakfast.

I am a good woman, I am independent, I am kind (I think), I read books, I know the hell I am talking about, I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I take care of my body, I am perverted fun and I have my own life.

I have turned a complete 360 degrees from what I was back then... and ...

The good men still go for the stupid, bitchy ones who don't seem to know what they have and hence, take the good men for granted.

Quoting what my home girl, Ms. Mary J. Blige would say- I can love you better than she can

So I told God to just stop discriminating and throw some of those men my way. I would gladly accept NSA as my boyfriend. We think the same, I am ok with his habits and I am willing to try...

Maybe God just want me to get over my whole inferiority complex before he is good to give me a good one.

I'll take that.

Thank You, God.

PS : Sarcy is never religious but she is highly spiritual and she does believe that there is a higher, bigger and much more significant entity looking over us.

---

The so called one week 'chilling' session...

I always think of long holidays as deceiving.

It is deceiving that one is to think that a long holiday could in anyway make you 'relax'.

I am still trying to figure out just on which day of last week was I really... relaxed...

Sure I have a lot of time to kill (Which killed me!). The fact that I have a lot of time made me anxious. I don't know what to do with it.

So I spring cleaned my room, made a floor plan of my house and think of the best way to decorate it with, Yoga and worked until 2 am in the morning while watching movies on my laptop, downing water and dried apricots.

I went back to JB on Wednesday.

I mentioned that my bro was getting solemnized last week. Everything went on considerably ok.

He is now safely married.

The solemnization took place in Jabatan Agama Islam Johor because his wife is a Muslim convert. There were 5 other couples there waiting for their turn. We had to wait for the Tok Kadi for about 20 minutes.

At night, we held a feast for friends and family. The menu (although I didn't take a picture of the food) was Biryani rice, lamb curry and fried spicy chicken.

Needless to say, I OD'd on my rice intake this week. The rice was too good that I can just eat it without anything else...

And of course, being that it was my family's do, we had a Ghazal band entertaining the guests;

And... of course, Joget Zapin!!!

There is a speculation that my wedding (HAHAHAHA) will be bigger.

I want a small wedding... close friends and family. But of course, that would NEVER be the case.

You see, as far as weddings are concerned in Malaysia, and this is applied to all the races in Malaysia, almost everyone will be invited. 70% of the people attending will not be the bride and groom's friends, it will be the many relatives (twice or thrice removed) who you didn't even know existed and the parent's friends.

This is a family portrait, without my Dad because my Dad was outside with the guests and we didn't know where he was at the time.

And another one with my cousins and my aunties;

And I must put this picture in... I love this little darling!!