KISS

I am tagged by En. Iszo, on listing out my resos, and to keep it as stupid and simple as I can.

For year 2010, here goes:

1) Be a better person.
2) Get that CANON DSLR
3) Be happy
4) Keep close friends close
5) Buy a plasma TV.

Whoah... that's simply stupid and short. :P

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A dear friend, one of my best friends actually was told by another friend to lose weight so that there would be a bigger selection of men for her to choose from, that would not include heartbreakers, jerks and assholes.

During our weekly banana rice session on sunday nights at Nirwana (check for two babes and a guy who would be laughing our asses off for hours!), we talked bout it for hours. This is a weekly ritual that we come to have. Something that we do to, I guess, keep ourselves sane.

Now this friend of mine is one of the most interesting person I know. She speaks impeccable English, being that she is an English lecturer with one of the local Us, her ideas are possibly more radical than mine and she has what I call, gumption.

I have always looked beyond the fact that she is big. The only thing that mattered to me I guess, is that she is a good friend and a phenomenal woman, who has managed to pull through a few ordeals that I have not had the bad luck of having.

When I heard what the other friend told her, my jaws literally dropped.

"Sapa cakap dengan ko macam ni noks (Who told you this?)?" I went.

She said when her friend told her that, she immediately thought about me. I have worked my ass off to get the body I am in right now, but guess what, I am still alone and basically incapable of getting a man / partner who is worthy of my attention.

No doubt, there had been a few infatuations and stuff involving particular men, but I dismissed them as there had been no chemistry there whatsoever.

I don't know what to put it as. Insecurity/ paranoia.

Maybe both.

But as far as I can figure out right now is... paranoia trumps insecurity.

I have been in quite a few relationships. My paranoia is not just on what if the relationship didn't work, it is more on 'what if the man I am in a relationship with proved to have major flaws?', like him being a male chauvinist pig, woman beater, unconditional sarcastic ass?

So, I dumped that man and look for more creeps and look forward to be proven right?

In this hot body I am on my way of getting?

Conclusion : No matter what kind of body you have, the selection stays small.

We only have men who are narcissists, egoistics, chauvinists, racist bigots, liars, cheaters, asses, fuckers and all combined to choose from.

I don't want to die alone, but the prospect of that happening is there and I have no strength to fight it.

Am up at 3.30 am ET going what the fuck? (short blogger's notes)

Me in my bikini

Lately, I have been waking up at crazy hours.

My clock had been totally the opposite from all normal Malaysians. My 9.00 am MYS is considered 8.00 PM ET. So when everyone else is driving to work, I am driving home, looking forward to my bed and blanket.

Nowadays, I have been wearing my bikinis in the house. My last vacation was last Raya, when I took one whole week off, leaving me more exhausted, than rested. Whoever said raya was ever relaxing anyway?

I long for the beach, waking up at 10 am (which is considered waay late for me), lying on the towel in my bikini, doing nothing but sipping my cocktail and finishing the books I bought the last couple of months.

At the moment, that somehow seemed so.. out of reach.

I think my breaking point was last couple of days, when I broke down and cried in my car for maybe a good 5 minutes, for no reason. Work, even though I enjoy the pressure and all, had been kind of, taxing.

I am very sure that all I need is a long extended weekend on my PTO. After that, I should be right as rain, with more energy and motivation.

I just want to wear my bikinis out on the beach. That would be total bliss. For now, walking around the apartment in bikinis in my almost bikini-ready bod is kind of depressing. I am doing it to feel somewhat vacation-ey. Still waiting for the effects, as I type.

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Emotional Pussy

I can be wreckless with other people's emotions sometimes.

I have never understood why my exes told me that I am kind of detached from my emotions and somewhat careless with theirs. I know that I am aloof but I never knew that it actually mattered.

I guess in a way I was only like that because I was protecting myself.

When I was a kid in school, I would sometimes get a bit carried away with trying to please my friends, just so that they would stay friends with me. After that, I thought, what the heck, all this is crap.

I realized that when I was 12.

So although I do love my friends and family, I can sometimes be seen as being detached.

I don't think that I should  change this about myself because it would just be weird (ironically) for my friends if I start to be emotional about everything. Even showing excitement is a challenge to me.

Is is disturbing though that I think to start being emotional is like losing a part of me?

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Random stuff

A couple of days ago, I went to a gas station to withdraw money.

I was next in line and in front of me was this woman who was trying to be fashionable in a baju kurung moden.

Maybe I am somewhat conventional in a way because I never thought a baju kurung should ever be modified to anything else. I am fine with adding on beads or embroidery on a basic baju kurung, but never fine with anything else. I think baju kurung moden is faux pas.

But I don't want to bitch about this woman's baju kurung moden. I want to bitch about how some people would hog the only ATM machine available to draw money out of a few accounts, knowing very well that there is a person waiting in the line, who might only want to take some RM 500 out for the whole week.

Sure, you have a lot of accounts, but seriously, it doesn't hurt to tell the person waiting that you have more than frikkin' 10 different withdrawals to do and the person who wanted to do one transaction should go first.

Hon, the world does NOT revolve around you and your 20 ATM withdrawals.

Extremely annoyed.

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Peculiar

Ever wonder what's with the seriously obstructing metal whatchamacallits that makes your body tilt forward when you pee?

Carpe Diem - My Mum would ask - What is that a fish?

I just woke up from a 4 hour sleep. Aside from now fibbing over my broadband (... jalur LEBAR la konon... my ass), I am now itching to put in an entry... even though I am not exactly sure on what.

I am feeling sickeningly nostalgic but I am going to put that aside for now.
Nowadays my emphasis would be on the new house that we are going to move into in about one week. Compared to my present pad, the new house is located on the 2nd floor, and it is a townhouse, that means, no elevators. The area is quiet and very private. I am living with my housemates who are also my staff in the office, who are also two of my best friends.

I guess a new year beckons new beginnings.

And also a year where I would be concentrating on straightening a few things out, take on new hobbies, get a better body than the one I have right now, more energy, make new friends.

On my personal life... well... I would prefer to put that aside. I really don't want to think about it. Don't want to waste my life waiting on something uncertain. I mean, if I am only going to be happy being alone and spending time with good friends, then I would stick with that.

I just am looking to seize the day... everyday, as it comes.

*sigh... nostalgic song now playing on my MP3... give me a moment...*

Anti-Sosh...

I am guilty of not updating since the first day of 2010.

But then, given my schedule (I work a combined maybe 50 hours a week...), I don't think that I should be.

I have challenges trying to settle in my new position. For one, being a manager also needs you to have exceptional level of patience. Well, we have this saying in the office that in the end, patience is ultimately virtual... as opposed to being a virtue.

*Pfft!*

I am currently in my anti - sosh mood (Short for Anti - Social). Until everything is figured out and I find light, peace and tranquility again, this anti-sosh condition will prolong. Light, Peace and Tranquility here is directly linked to the whole access mess that I am in charge of right now.

Something not so 'SMART' should not be named 'SMART'. It is just sooooo inappropriate for it to be named that when it is seriously deducing my common sense to liquid.

But.. still... I'll go through it. Although cliched, yes.... the tough will go through it all when the goings get frikkin' tougher.

*Cries and sobbing uncontrollably...*

The people in my shift right now is trying to be strong. We haven't been taking our leaves for the past week few months and is understanbly burnt out of our brains. I constantly  think about a few things in the office, facing my laptop, at the same time trying to fight the urge of jumping down 16 floors :

1) I save pictures of white sandy beaches, of people in bikinis, lying down on their towel, sipping cocktails, in my laptop... right now it seemed like a faraway dream that I could not quite reach out to... but again... one can hope... secretly, I wish I can beam myself somehow out of the office without anybody noticing.

2) My PTO (paid time off, or in Malaysia, we just call it Annual leaves) have officially reached about a month. I wish I can take all of it at one time.

3) Constantly thinking am I more burnt out because I am single? Yes? No? Maybe?

4) Should I be more grateful that I don't have to be more burnt out because I don't have emotional men to deal with?

5) Should I stop by at Ikea to have that sinfully and surprisingly delicious RM 1 vanilla ice cream cone?

6) Am I like bummed now that I am about to turn 31 in less than a month starting from now?

During my weekly banana leaf rice fuelling session in Bangsar last weekend, I was positively not myself. After that we drove around KL and I was yabbing.... incessantly about stuff that I can't even figure out. I was also yawning trying very hard to not fall asleep in the car. At the same time, I was also kind of grateful that I wasn't driving, to this, I thank Bitch who actually had the strength and gumption to 'layan' an anti-sosh woman.

Questions... questions... questions... I think I need a big bottle of sauvignon to drown my thoughts.

2010 and resolutions

It is now 01/01/10.

Being that I work US hours, needless to say, I was working when the clock strikes 12 am.

I went from one staff to another wishing them a happy new year. I gave them a huge new year hug (Which I was told, if my US counterparts were to do, would result in a definite sexual harassment case).

A colleague from another project came up to our floor to give Joyce and I new year hugs and wishes, which I found very sweet and thoughtful of him.

Well, another year flew by. 2009 was... well interesting.

I decided to go back to my resolution list that was made for 2008. I found out that I have achieved most of the things that I want to do in that year as of 31st Dec. 2009.

I have managed to secure a better position, with better prospects. I know now what I can do if I push myself hard enough. I have people who believes in me which makes me feel all... fluffy and cottony inside (Ignore if this just does not quite sound right... :P)

Ok... on the hobby side (Photography, digital SLR and stuff), I didn't quite have the time to act on that, but hey, that can always wait. What matters is that, I achieved the number one thing on my list.

I didn't really resolute on anything as far as my 'relationship status' is concerned. I have resigned to the fact that if I am going to be single for now and continue to be unimpressed with each and every one of the men that I came across with, then BE IT! I am not doing anything about it, mainly because... well... it is just tiring to jump back on the wagon and start another pointless thingy with strange men with more hair than I can handle.

Newly wed Jade said that she should spend more time with me so that her positive aura can somewhat 'infect' me. Well, Babe... we can try! Betul ke takde yummy ones to recommend? Hahahaha...

Anyway, as far as this year's resolution goes, I aim to be a better person. I guess what I need now is not a specific target to achieve. The subjectivity of this reso makes it more interesting. Anything can come out from aiming to be a better person, innit?

I will however continue to strive and learn the ropes in this Management stuff that I have gotten into. I have nothing but sincere hopes in making my team members a better person than they already are, so that they can spread their wings... and fly (properly, not stupidly).

Happy New Year Everybody....

Merry Christmas!

Last year's Christmas, I was working.

This year's Christmas, I was working, but I was decked out... and I was laughing it out.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Gluttony For Punishment?

I was watching reruns of Friends when someone YM me. It was a rainy afternoon and I just finished doing my laundry and it was a Sunday, so I was surprised when I saw an acquaintance that I have not heard from for quite a while on my screen.

I knew this woman when I was dating one of my many exes, once upon a time ago. I was on and off in contact with her and though I 'tried' to keep in touch, we eventually lost touch again.

The last time we got through to each other was when she called me.This was a long time ago.

Everytime we got in touch with each other, the discussion always got to discussing about her relationships. The last time she was in one with a foreigner, she informed me that the man physically abused her. I told her to get out of it. She told me that for some reason, she could not and that it was difficult for her to do that because she was in love with the shameless man.

I backed down because I have never been in that kind of situation. I wouldn't know how I would react if I am in one. I have been lucky thus far, the men that I have been with never raised a hand on me. I don't know if it was because I was not worth that much for them to do so.

I have never cared about them anyway.

So we got to chatting a bit. I asked how she was doing and vice versa. She asked if I am married. I said 'HELL NO' and told her that I am much happier single and not thinking about problematic men. I am also concentrating on my career and I don't give a rat's ass about dating.

I asked her how she was doing. She said that she is now in a relationship, with another foreigner, who is cheating on her. She said she found out a lot of things she shouldn't have found out and although she is so called in a relationship, it didn't feel like it.

I asked her why is she in the relationship if it is fucked up and worthless. I told her to just stop being in it and just hang out more with friends. It is better that way, and leave things to its' course.

To me, I told her, things will happen when it does. No point staying in a relationship that won't work. I was talking from experience.

She, in turn told me that she doesn't have friends who would help her, and I honestly don't know how is that possible.

I don't have many friends, but I am lucky enough to have a few that I really treasure and whom I know would have my back whenever I need help.

She also asked me if I club nowadays, I said no, and promptly elaborated my answer saying that 'I grew out of that phase.'

I think she is older than I am, but I couldn't remember and we have never been close enough for me to know any kind of details about her.

Sometimes I do think that it might be true that most women are gluttons for punishment.

Why do most of us get stuck in the same ol' shit over and over again without making a change is for now, beyond me. I hope I would never get to find out, or be in those kinds of situations ever.

I found myself, irritated and annoyed by this woman's explanation. The excuses that she gave me that never seemed to change. She still sounds needy like the first time I met her. I guess this feeling also comes up from the fact that she only pops up once in a while, and instantly takes me as her punching bag, telling me the same kind of things, only the people in it seemed to change.

I ended the conversation. The question has been lingering in my head for a few hours since then.

If most women are indeed, gluttons for punishment, I hope I am not one of them.

So, I leave you lovely capable, extraordinary women out there with this. I think it is empowering.