Me, Myself and Yoga

My nephew would do the Vrksasana everytime any one of my family members mention my name.

He associates me with my practice, and is not the only one.

I am the only one in the family who practices yoga. I am also the 'only one' in a lot of other things.

Like ... I am the only one who...

- Has a different view on religion, as in.. irreligiously different view.
- Lives life somewhat precariously.
- Loves bikinis and the sun, and does not want fair skin.

Anyway...

My practice brings me to that special place, where.. I can be anyone. A place where I can fuck it all and just be... whatever I want to be.

Of course, most of the times I would be struggling on my mat, even to perfect my hanumasana, or my chaturanga. But, there is that weird.. feeling of twisted, achievement and satisfaction of being able to ... inflict self torture on myself in a yoga class.

I know. Twisted.

Gluttony for punishment, sucker for pain.

Self inflicted ones.

T.W.I.S.T.E.D

I guess... being twisted yogically is .. ok?

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Eid 2013

I honestly have mixed feelings about this year's festive season.

Last year, I kind of celebrated Eid with that assurance that when I go back to KL, I can snuggle back to Tom. There was also a part of me that wondered if I ever would be alive to go back to Tom.

Yes. I was morbid. Everytime I go on a trip, I would be thinking to myself what if I met in an accident on the way to or from the destination.

I guess, this, reminds me that I am human. I can preach about how one should not fear death as much as fearing how you are going to die, but, it would be difficult to practice it.

There are things that never changes of course. The drama before Eid, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the entertaining. For the whole week, I was not able to sleep properly. My circadian rhythm did not sit well with regular hours. I will be awake until 5.30 am and then dozed off to sleep.

I am blessed, but I remembered myself talking to myself telling myself that I am tired, and it would be great if I can just... get a break. In life, at least. I am no longer crying myself to sleep, which is good. I am a lot more positive than I give myself credit for.

I am trying.

Well, Happy Eid'lfitri to everyone who is celebrating. Eat responsibly. I am on a 2 weeks liquid detox now. I need my strength and my weight back. ;)

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Sizeist

Warning : This post may be sensitive to some folks.

--

I read a news report of how a popular yoga apparel brand shuns plus sized women as one of its' business strategies.

An insider revealed that the larger sizes were placed at the back, as opposed to those whose sizes are 10 and below.

Women are shouting foul because of the company's size-ist attitude towards the plus sized women population.

I have mixed feelings about this.

This is my take on it :

Every company has an image and their own target demographics to cater to. It is an unfortunate reality that certain styles in the yoga world, can't really... flatter bigger sizes.

I was a plus size before, I know how frustrating it was when it comes to shopping for clothes. But, I know where to shop at. I doubt that I would be looking at or wearing any of the things that I am wearing right now back then.

I don't think the yoga pants and tops that I am wearing right now would flatter me, or the manufacturer much 5 years ago.

I have issues with fittings too when it comes to clothes. I have small breasts, and I have a shapely XS-S/sz 2-4 type top half of body. However, being a pear shape, I am an M or a size 6 for the bottom half.

Am I crying foul for the lack of attention to my size? NO. I will just learn to live with it. Find any other brands that work for me.

Really, imagine the pudgier me, going out in this :

I have nothing against plus sized women. When I was one, I took another way to resolve my body image. If there are plus sized women who came over to me saying that they love their body as it is, all the power to you. As for me, as much as I loved my body then, I love the fact that I am able to fit in better in clothes now.

I think, most people should try to see it from a bigger perspective. If we can make something as small as this as an issue, can you imagine how we would perceive bigger issues?

Well, these are my thoughts, and I am in no way trying to defend any corporation or brands out there. I honestly believe, how your ass looks, is not because of the pants, it's because of your body, and how you decide it should look like.

With Love, Namaste,

Ayu

Positivity Is As Positivity Does

I had a discussion with a friend last weekend on 'Positive People'.

We were discussing on those 'positive people' who shuns negative people, via social media. People who unfollow / unfriend 'Negative people'.

Well, I have my own view on this.

I unfollow or unfriend people on social media when they get disrespectful / boring.

As far as negativity is concerned, it is subjective to me.

I don't see cussing as being negative. I don't see bitching about the traffic or that complaining about the person whose signal lever mysteriously went missing driving in front of them negative.

That, Ladies and Gents, is called 'Expressing Frustration.' If I am really 'negative' about it, I would have written a long blog post focusing on how the driver is a dumbass.

I think people who instantly social media dissed 'negative people' because they indirectly think that they are 'positive people' are being judgmental. IE---> NEGATIVE.

I think if you think that you are more positive and you feel that the other person is negative, you should motivate the other person to be positive.

NOT unfollow/unfriend them. All the more when You were the first one who wanted to social media follow/friend the person in the first place.

I personally do not care if anyone is going to do that to me. It is social media.

Not being negative is unrealistic. It is how some people escape from being human. That's not a way to live life.

I know some people who do this, heck, some people think that I am somewhat negative (I would personally want to be known more as realistic or cynical, but hey.. it is subjective) and I have been dropped /unfollowed before (Not that the latter counts really.. both don't).

Let's face it, people join social media not for positivity. It is for the drama that some people induce, the circus! It is entertainment. It is entertaining even to me, a person who practices yoga. It's like soap opera, only you can say for sure that you DO actually know the 'actors'.

I mean, I know everyone on my friends' list, I don't know about other people. I don't add people I don't know on my Facebook. Even my profile in FB is well hidden from public.

So... Let's be more realistic. Sure you can be positive, but remember that negativity plays a role in life too. It's all about the middleway. Strike that Balance. Trust me, you'll be kinder, more grounded, and definitely more human.

If you really believe however, that to control negativity is to do all the things that I mentioned above, my advice to you would be---> STOP PARTICIPATING IN SOCIAL MEDIA.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Ghosts

I have been thinking about Tom a lot lately.

It's been almost 11 months since his death.

I am not sure what this means really. Aussie was really understanding about it.

I don't really think it is fair to him though.

The thoughts that I have been having about Tom had been rather uncertain. It's not because I am still in love with him, I am not even sure if I was in love with him even...

Then again, what is EXACTLY love?

And soulmates. A friend jokingly mentioned that soulmates are those who share the same prejudice, to wear the same clothes.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe Tom. I don't believe in Aussie either. I have trust issues.

I need to sleep.

It's that time of the year again

I was sitting down at Starbucks for my daily caffeine fix , this time without my earphones on when the unmistakable sound of a 'Raya' song was playing on the mall's speakers.

Yes. It is that time of the year again.

It is a time where people go crazy with 'insightful, religious thoughts because it is Ramadhan', tweeting / Facebooking their break of fast dishes, announcing to people that they are about to / just came back from 'Tarawih' and Raya cookies agents start to promote their 'unique Raya cookies' to the masses. 

I don't fast too, although I do have a degree of respect for those who fast.

I am not really an Eid/Raya person. I think it is the same with how my friends abroad feel about Christmas/Thanksgiving.

I just don't... mark it on the calendar.

The novelty of celebrating Raya now is reduced to just being a chance for me to catch up with my cousins and family. Other than that, Raya is the most dreaded holiday of the year.

Last year, I didn't even bother to buy a new 'Baju Kurung' for Raya. My sister offered to buy me one, which I have only worn... once.

I suck at emotional Raya mornings where I would have to ask for forgiveness from my parents. I am not an emotional person. I am cold, and I have no real concern or feelings on anything or anyone.

I am wasted. In terms of emotions, I am detached.

Oh. I do like the food. I can't have enough of the ketupats and lemangs and stuff. One thing that I appreciated my mum of doing last year was to prepare the vegetarian kuah lodeh for me, which I loved. My allergies were still undetermined at that time, and so I avoided every meat dishes like a plague.

Now that I know the real culprit was chicken, I know which dishes to stuff my face with, and which to stay away from.

As the daughter, I am also responsible for buying new stuff for my family. It gives me joy, this part of Raya. I love giving people stuff that makes them happy. It is just a thing that is quite consistent with my character.

All the other things, like that usual argument on Raya night, my toiling to clean the what seemed like a house that waits to be cleaned only on Raya and ONLY by me, the waking up in the wee hours of the morning to cook the Raya dishes with my Mum while the men folk are still sleeping, it is all very tiring.

But, it's that thing in life that you will have to go through. It is family is it not? If you can't stop em', join 'em!

With love, Namaste,

Ayu

Silver lining, that small break among the clouds...

In a strange twist of fate, after many nights toiling over restless sleep on what I want to do and whether I should resign from my current position or not, I was suddenly given the opportunity to go ahead with what I want to do. 

I have been given a break to do what I have always been thinking of doing. The transition was made easier. 

If you have ever been in a BPO, you will know that process shutdowns are a given. They happen. 

I have been with this organization for 5 years and it paid off. There are mixed reactions within my team. Some of them are like me and some of them are concerned. 

I was asked how do I feel about this... change. I actually feel, after thinking about it for a couple of hours... relieved. 

As if a HUGE boulder was lifted off from my shoulders. 

In less than 6 months, I will officially leave the company I have been with for 5 years. 

And I am happy, that this happened. It is like a nudge, the universe just poked me, saying : 

"Go.. woman. Go and start on that thing you have always wanted to do. GO."

The universe works in strange ways.