6 months...

So 6 months ago, I was doing this...

Up to now, it has been a mix of bittersweet experiences.

Even before January, I was reacquainted with someone with whom I have strangely developed a pretty... unique relationship, one that still surprised me until now.

I am surprised because, it doesn't involve love, not in the real sense. It's complicated.

And I am strangely ok with that.

Ugh..

Have a blessed and beautiful remaining half of the year everyone.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

Dating (Part 2)

I will try online dating once in a while, when I need a bit of a self - esteem boost.

At my age, and given that I rarely go out and meet people, limits my social circle even further. I am hopeless when it comes to mingling now. I can no longer fake interest in meeting people. 

I may be one of the few who maintained my identity on line. Other than my love for Yoga, I keep everything shrouded in a cloak of vague data. 

As a self acclaimed narcissist, posting photos are one of my favorite things to do on these sites. Yes, I am well aware of the risks. But hell, what's life without a sprinkle of this and that, eh?

So, did I 'score' dates from these online dating sites?

Hmm... well... I would love to say yes, but no, not really. 

I have my own preference, personally. Most of those who messaged me can't seem to even at least, punctuate properly, and those who can, are chauvinistic pricks. 

I need to be interested in order for an online communication to develop. Without that sense of interest, everything else will just go down the gutter in most cases. 

I did respond to a few messages. I responded to a writer, a fellow Yogi, an eccentric musician and a free spirited 'educator'. 

Did I meet any of them? 

I met the Yogi and educator. 

Did anything spark from the meet? 

NO. 

I think there is still a part of me that is still holding on to Tom. My dead ex seemed to be ruining everything for me nowadays. LOL. 

I am not going to be the one who is going to initiate anything. I am not willing to do that anymore. Or, to be more accurate, I no longer have the strength to do that anymore.

It is unfortunate, but the next guy who comes along after this is going to have a HARD time convincing me. He can blame on all the other pricks I dated before... 

And yeah.. he can blame my dead ex too for this wall I put up in front of me. 

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Do or Do Not, There is NO Try

In yoga, you will have to condition and discipline yourself to a pretty... strict schedule. 

My schedule is to have at least an hour practice every morning / afternoon, whenever my body decides to wake up on. 

I was pretty impatient before this. But after that talk with Guruji, I told myself that it takes time. 

But the one thing that I must not shortchange myself in, would be my discipline, my schedule. 

So my practice would start at about 4/5 am in the morning consisting of 6 rounds of traditional Suryas, 5 rounds of Surya A and 5 rounds of Surya B. (Yeah.. what do you expect? 108 rounds at my level... 2 more months please. \^_^/...)

That would be followed with pretty basic stuff like back bends, standing poses, forward folds, seated twists, inversions. 

My recent favorite, which came to me as a surprise because I am not really fond of standing positions, is the Dancer pose. 

Below is me doing a less than impressive Dancer pose about 5 months before. I can manage a deeper bend now, but haven't had the chance to photograph it yet. 

I take pictures of me in different poses to see how far I have progressed. It's not always for vanity.

To improve, you will just have to diligently do it, until you are satisfied with yourself. Standards in Yoga, had always been your own. 

That's what I like about the practice. It puts me head on with my own self. 

Well, if you are new to the practice like me... welcome to a journey of self discovery and challenge folks!

With Love, Namaste. 

Ayu

My thoughts on Dating and relationships.

I am not someone who is approachable.

For some reason, I look as if I think too much, or are just way too serious, or maybe I look like I may just bash someone in the head if they even speak to me.

(And no, I have never bash someone in the head because they approach me with a friendly gesture.)

But most of the time, I put it down to my unattractive facade.

I am strangely okay with it. I have all the me time I want every Saturday when I go out for my coffee dose after yoga, just myself, a good book and a cup of cappuccino.

Would I like people to approach me, say hi and tell me that I look interesting, or perhaps.. pretty? Which woman wouldn't? But I have grown accustomed to my own solo routine, I have grown accustomed to being on my own.

On dates, I have no interest to be in one, for now.  I will go if I get a date, but because I don't, I am not interested. I believe in living my life in the moment now rather than hoping. Have I given up? Well.. not ... quite. I am just being open to the possibilities.

It's all about perspectives, no?

However, I am strangely open to having a healthy relationship. I haven't had a healthy relationship in a long time, where feelings, respect and affections are mutual.

Am I looking for marriage and kids?

Not exactly. I know I will be happy just having someone to hug at night, to fall back to, someone who will make me smile. Someone who will cook me breakfast on a lazy Saturday morning, and someone that I maybe can salute the sun together, who values fitness, like me.

I would be lying if I said I don't have physical preferences. EVERYONE does. People say that one should not be too choosy.

At this age, settling would be a waste of time on top of a waste of time. You can call it pride, ego, whatever that fits the situation, but I call it, a good thing.

No one should lower their expectations and settle for something, just because they have to go along with what other people expects of them (people includes your parents'). Nobody should be living a lie.

I am lucky I am able to pull myself together, to dig myself out of the mess that I was 5 years ago, and then again several months before. I still smile at Tom's portrait everyday when I start work and before I go home, without fail. I will get out of this, but I need time.


Namaste and with Love,

Ayu

Bad Yogi?

I recently came across a somewhat disturbing article.

It details 8 signs that you are a bad yogi.

I can't seem to have any positive opinion about the article. I tried, but in the end I think the angst displayed by the author itself is... unyogic.

The article was very judgmental. Not something I would expect from a yoga related article at all.

Sure we want our articles to be fun and quirky, but the article is just downright... wrong.

What constitutes a bad yogi is much more than mentally cursing the teacher for having us holding our poses a a breath or two longer than 5.

I was horrified when an acquaintance told me about a yoga instructor in one of the gym yoga sessions he went to who told a student that she should be able to strike the pose better if she lost a bit more weight.

Now 'THAT'S' a bad yogi. All of us know that weight has nothing to do with your ability to lift yourself. And hurting the feelings of a student is a no-no to me.

My Guruji will never give up on any of his students. He never said anything about any of his students, of any size, to not be able to work on any pose. He pushes them, and works with them to help them.

A lighthearted article is fine by me, but defining a practitioner as a bad yogi based on some tongue in cheek very human errors is just an unfair assessment of a bad yogi.

I feel that yoga is supposed to enhance your humanity and your connection to yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. That, and with everyone around you. So if being a human means being a bad yogi, if you are a practitioner, will that not dampen your spirits and deter you from the practice completely?.

Now I understand why non-yoga practitioners look at us differently. Sadly, we only have ourselves to blame for that inaccurate evaluation.

I can be wrong. I stand corrected all the time. But this is what I feel. And I have to get it off my chest.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Thoughts

I have  a framed photo of Tom on my desk at work.

It reminds me of the happy times the two of us had when he was alive.

It has been 7 months since his passing.

I miss him everyday.

Granted that he won't feel the same about me. If I die, would he be doing the same?

Probably not.

But hey, it's my heart. I have the right to trash it any way I want.

Namaste, With Love.

Ayu

I am doing okay.

One of the things that seemed to puzzle some of my friends out there is my solitude.

They are puzzled as to how I can be so comfortable with being on my own.

I mean, as far as I am concerned, I am a-okay with being on my own. I never felt awkward eating, or just travelling alone.

It will be great if I have company, but if all else fails and I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, I will have to learn on being on my own and be comfortable with my own company.

I think as far as having expectations on having a relationship is way out of my agenda right now. I tried, but I just... am not willing to put in effort into it anymore.

It is not just because of Tom... mind you. It is also because, I am just....I just gave up.

Giving up seems to be the most relevant option for me to take.

Once in a while, I like to imagine how my life would be like if I am in a relationship. It may be awesome, if I can get the same kind of commitment from the person I end up with.

But in what world is that ever going to happen. Maybe I had already been in a fulfilling relationship in my past life, maybe I did have that with Tom, and because that happened in my past life, and because it seemed like I have a standing karma with Tom, I am now going to end up on my own.

You will notice that I try not to say that I will end up alone... just on my own.

I am surviving, and I am living.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu

Wandering Limbs

I'm gonna dangle my feet over the wire
Despite your despair, I'm going over to the other side
There's a break in the clouds where the crimson collects
I got a bird's eye view, We're all just dots in the sky.

Am I caught in the background, a part of the scene
Misery in the come down, when I come down from here
Are we tangled in each other or placed in between
Like a stone or a stone's throw away from falling

Am I just a sketch in the landscape
Or arranged close to you
I think I fell into a strange fate of wandering limbs
And eager hands

-Kimbra Feat. Sam Lawrence

Beach Bummery

I spent about 3 days in Perhentian Island last weekend. We took a 7 hour roadtrip up to east coast, because we wanted to make stops along the way. I went with my best friend and my two close friends.

It was my first trip with friends and also my first to Perhentian Islands. Once we reached to the island, I fell in love with the place.

I love beaches. I don't know why, it evokes some kind of nostalgic sentiment, together with that feeling of peace and calm.

When the view is this beautiful, you tend to marvel at the universe more than anything. 

I found myself looking at these picturesque scenes during my 30 mins yoga morning practice, with a weird sense of revelation and reverence.

For some reason, I was thinking more about Tom than I ever did before. The beach and the sun always reminds me of him. He loved it, just as much as I do. I wished I was able to bring Tom here, to see how beautiful this part of the world really is.

I know that I didn't mean much to him, something that I can never get a definite answer on. No closure.

But that is something I will just have to learn to let go and live with.

I had fun nevertheless, with friends. I had a few hours of me time in between, especially when I was on my mat.

And of course, yoga pose attempts that I want to perfect in the coming 6 months.

I intend to perfect my beach bum skills by learning how to swim.

Unless you plan to join all the 5 year olds in a pool, the fees to learn how to swim is outrageously expensive. Maybe I can finally do some swimming during my next beach getaway.

And also to really be in peace with myself.

With love, Namaste.

Ayu

Teaching yoga, really?

I teach my best friend yoga. I also give advise on yoga to my friends who asked.

Of course, if I don't know, I would say that I don't, and I would find out.

Recently, a friend remarked that maybe I should consider becoming a teacher. My reaction at first was to chuckle.

I responded with :

'Naah. Maybe not now. I don't know a lot of things about it.'

The thing is, I enjoy teaching yoga. Of course, I can teach beginner's poses only but I actually... enjoy teaching.

Bear in mind, I have never liked teaching. Anything. I tried teaching English to my siblings. I was impatient. I could not understand why people can't understand what I understand, why they were not able to see what I see.

This was of course, when I was younger, when I was more rash, when I was more hard headed.

But, that was English. This is yoga.

You have to demonstrate the move, you have to correct the alignment, and you have to push them to do more.

My short term resolution for now as far as this is concerned, would be to maybe go for a teacher's retreat.

I will have to wait until I can successfully do an unsupported headstand impromptu anywhere first.

Wish me luck.

With Love, Namaste.

Ayu