Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Define happiness.

Whenever someone asks me to do so, it would put me in a funk.

I am 32 and I have never quite know how happy truly feels like.

Was it when I got my first paycheck? My first kiss? The letter of acceptance to the University I chose to drop out from? The moment my ex boss told me that I got the team manager position?

Or the time I spent with someone who truly treats me with respect and adoration?

I am still stumped as to what truly defines happiness.

My good friend recently became a mother and I have never seen her happier. Her eyes lit up whenever she talks  about her baby girl. I wondered then if my idea of happiness is as domestic as having a kid.

Or should it be more? Should it be the time when I finally would have the opportunity to roam the streets of Morocco and climb the Kilimanjaro?

Or would it be the time when I finally would be given the chance... nay ... the challenge of leading a team of 100 people worldwide in a Fortune 500 company, making 100K a year?

Or would I define happiness when I finally have that chiseled toned body that I have always wanted?

For now, happiness is a blur to me.

I was happy when I found out that my best friend is pregnant. I am sad though thinking about the time when she would pack up and move out of the apartment.

She is now starting a family. It starts with the little munchkin growing inside of her.

I find it difficult to foresee myself as someone's other half, much less someone's wife... or just being proposed to.

Someone told me that people change. Whether it is towards good or bad, that's entirely up to the person.

So, happiness, that concept, is pretty much still elusive to me right now. As long as I still have things that I still want, I don't think that I can actually be happy.

I will blog about it, the moment I find that missing piece, I would.


  1. I can relate with you when you talk about your feelings on being commitment phobic.

    I get cold feet thinking of sharing my personal space with someone, having him around and accepting him for better or for worse. I wonder if I can keep loving him through all that. It only took one (really) bad relationship for me and I'm turned off by the concept of love.

    For now, I'm contented with what I have, a strong and loving family, a job that is secure and is enough to support my lifestyle, privacy whenever I want it and of course, friends.

  2. Sara,


    I am not saying I do not want to have a relationship but like what you said, 1 bad relationship is enough to put us off from getting into another one.

    I had three bad relationships. Go figure. -_-

  3. I had more than my fair share but ...

    ... :| ... then everything just happend without me planning for it.

    Thats how life works ... I guess.

  4. Dahling... I had two failed relationships and I started to just have fun. But that didn't make me happy. So, I decided to just go with flow. And it happened without me realising it. And trust me, with THE person, there's no cold feet about sharing your lives and space. Just remember to keep the fire burning, coz relationship needs work. And don't fall into the trap "you'll get use to it"...

  5. izchan & Jade,

    Well, I never actually planned for anything. I meet someone, had a relationship and on reasonable whim, break it off.

    Just that, I realized that I don't know how being happy, truly.... feels like. I guess the right word would be... contented. I don't know how contentment feels like.

  6. Contentment feels like

    a properly executed shitting exercise.

    I shit you not. :)