Weekend was spent quietly with The Scotsman.
I pity him at times. I am a workaholic and having a 24 hour responsibility slung on my back it's not exactly an ideal situation for a relationship/scandal/affair.
Being the unorganized nog that I am, I forgot to charge my blackberry on Friday. I went on a conference call and looked at my bb helplessly as it beeped it's way to temporary death.
The tech team asking me for info they should have asked me 48 hours ago was not helping.
I know that secretly, The Scotsman wished that I would just shut the fucking bb off.
But... well... I can't. I love my work too much.
Work is the only thing I have going on for me that I can fall back to.
The Scotsman is attuned to my emotional / expression changes. He knows when there is something off with me.
I find this weird. Not a lot of people can do that. Even if I suck at faking my emotions, most people would dismiss my changes in emotions/expression as me 'being Sarc'.
I am just aloof. Careless.
By their standards.
So where is this entry going? I don't know. I was questioning myself earlier... technically asking myself :
'What in fuck's sakes am I doing?'
I am trying to figure out myself, basically. The Scotsman is just there as a ... test medium... I guess.
Oih.. Yes I will stop writing now. -_-
The thing is called "Fear".
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I believe it could be fear of being let down again.
Fear of loosing the new found happiness.
Fear that everything will end abruptly.
But most of all, fear that your trust is unfounded and you will be hurt beyond redemption.
Its a common phase to go through.
Some take longer than others.
But we all go through them.
My 5 cents.
I second izchan's statement :) oh well, u know best ..
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