KISS

I am tagged by En. Iszo, on listing out my resos, and to keep it as stupid and simple as I can.

For year 2010, here goes:

1) Be a better person.
2) Get that CANON DSLR
3) Be happy
4) Keep close friends close
5) Buy a plasma TV.

Whoah... that's simply stupid and short. :P

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A dear friend, one of my best friends actually was told by another friend to lose weight so that there would be a bigger selection of men for her to choose from, that would not include heartbreakers, jerks and assholes.

During our weekly banana rice session on sunday nights at Nirwana (check for two babes and a guy who would be laughing our asses off for hours!), we talked bout it for hours. This is a weekly ritual that we come to have. Something that we do to, I guess, keep ourselves sane.

Now this friend of mine is one of the most interesting person I know. She speaks impeccable English, being that she is an English lecturer with one of the local Us, her ideas are possibly more radical than mine and she has what I call, gumption.

I have always looked beyond the fact that she is big. The only thing that mattered to me I guess, is that she is a good friend and a phenomenal woman, who has managed to pull through a few ordeals that I have not had the bad luck of having.

When I heard what the other friend told her, my jaws literally dropped.

"Sapa cakap dengan ko macam ni noks (Who told you this?)?" I went.

She said when her friend told her that, she immediately thought about me. I have worked my ass off to get the body I am in right now, but guess what, I am still alone and basically incapable of getting a man / partner who is worthy of my attention.

No doubt, there had been a few infatuations and stuff involving particular men, but I dismissed them as there had been no chemistry there whatsoever.

I don't know what to put it as. Insecurity/ paranoia.

Maybe both.

But as far as I can figure out right now is... paranoia trumps insecurity.

I have been in quite a few relationships. My paranoia is not just on what if the relationship didn't work, it is more on 'what if the man I am in a relationship with proved to have major flaws?', like him being a male chauvinist pig, woman beater, unconditional sarcastic ass?

So, I dumped that man and look for more creeps and look forward to be proven right?

In this hot body I am on my way of getting?

Conclusion : No matter what kind of body you have, the selection stays small.

We only have men who are narcissists, egoistics, chauvinists, racist bigots, liars, cheaters, asses, fuckers and all combined to choose from.

I don't want to die alone, but the prospect of that happening is there and I have no strength to fight it.

Am up at 3.30 am ET going what the fuck? (short blogger's notes)

Me in my bikini

Lately, I have been waking up at crazy hours.

My clock had been totally the opposite from all normal Malaysians. My 9.00 am MYS is considered 8.00 PM ET. So when everyone else is driving to work, I am driving home, looking forward to my bed and blanket.

Nowadays, I have been wearing my bikinis in the house. My last vacation was last Raya, when I took one whole week off, leaving me more exhausted, than rested. Whoever said raya was ever relaxing anyway?

I long for the beach, waking up at 10 am (which is considered waay late for me), lying on the towel in my bikini, doing nothing but sipping my cocktail and finishing the books I bought the last couple of months.

At the moment, that somehow seemed so.. out of reach.

I think my breaking point was last couple of days, when I broke down and cried in my car for maybe a good 5 minutes, for no reason. Work, even though I enjoy the pressure and all, had been kind of, taxing.

I am very sure that all I need is a long extended weekend on my PTO. After that, I should be right as rain, with more energy and motivation.

I just want to wear my bikinis out on the beach. That would be total bliss. For now, walking around the apartment in bikinis in my almost bikini-ready bod is kind of depressing. I am doing it to feel somewhat vacation-ey. Still waiting for the effects, as I type.

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Emotional Pussy

I can be wreckless with other people's emotions sometimes.

I have never understood why my exes told me that I am kind of detached from my emotions and somewhat careless with theirs. I know that I am aloof but I never knew that it actually mattered.

I guess in a way I was only like that because I was protecting myself.

When I was a kid in school, I would sometimes get a bit carried away with trying to please my friends, just so that they would stay friends with me. After that, I thought, what the heck, all this is crap.

I realized that when I was 12.

So although I do love my friends and family, I can sometimes be seen as being detached.

I don't think that I should  change this about myself because it would just be weird (ironically) for my friends if I start to be emotional about everything. Even showing excitement is a challenge to me.

Is is disturbing though that I think to start being emotional is like losing a part of me?

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Random stuff

A couple of days ago, I went to a gas station to withdraw money.

I was next in line and in front of me was this woman who was trying to be fashionable in a baju kurung moden.

Maybe I am somewhat conventional in a way because I never thought a baju kurung should ever be modified to anything else. I am fine with adding on beads or embroidery on a basic baju kurung, but never fine with anything else. I think baju kurung moden is faux pas.

But I don't want to bitch about this woman's baju kurung moden. I want to bitch about how some people would hog the only ATM machine available to draw money out of a few accounts, knowing very well that there is a person waiting in the line, who might only want to take some RM 500 out for the whole week.

Sure, you have a lot of accounts, but seriously, it doesn't hurt to tell the person waiting that you have more than frikkin' 10 different withdrawals to do and the person who wanted to do one transaction should go first.

Hon, the world does NOT revolve around you and your 20 ATM withdrawals.

Extremely annoyed.

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Peculiar

Ever wonder what's with the seriously obstructing metal whatchamacallits that makes your body tilt forward when you pee?

Carpe Diem - My Mum would ask - What is that a fish?

I just woke up from a 4 hour sleep. Aside from now fibbing over my broadband (... jalur LEBAR la konon... my ass), I am now itching to put in an entry... even though I am not exactly sure on what.

I am feeling sickeningly nostalgic but I am going to put that aside for now.
Nowadays my emphasis would be on the new house that we are going to move into in about one week. Compared to my present pad, the new house is located on the 2nd floor, and it is a townhouse, that means, no elevators. The area is quiet and very private. I am living with my housemates who are also my staff in the office, who are also two of my best friends.

I guess a new year beckons new beginnings.

And also a year where I would be concentrating on straightening a few things out, take on new hobbies, get a better body than the one I have right now, more energy, make new friends.

On my personal life... well... I would prefer to put that aside. I really don't want to think about it. Don't want to waste my life waiting on something uncertain. I mean, if I am only going to be happy being alone and spending time with good friends, then I would stick with that.

I just am looking to seize the day... everyday, as it comes.

*sigh... nostalgic song now playing on my MP3... give me a moment...*

Anti-Sosh...

I am guilty of not updating since the first day of 2010.

But then, given my schedule (I work a combined maybe 50 hours a week...), I don't think that I should be.

I have challenges trying to settle in my new position. For one, being a manager also needs you to have exceptional level of patience. Well, we have this saying in the office that in the end, patience is ultimately virtual... as opposed to being a virtue.

*Pfft!*

I am currently in my anti - sosh mood (Short for Anti - Social). Until everything is figured out and I find light, peace and tranquility again, this anti-sosh condition will prolong. Light, Peace and Tranquility here is directly linked to the whole access mess that I am in charge of right now.

Something not so 'SMART' should not be named 'SMART'. It is just sooooo inappropriate for it to be named that when it is seriously deducing my common sense to liquid.

But.. still... I'll go through it. Although cliched, yes.... the tough will go through it all when the goings get frikkin' tougher.

*Cries and sobbing uncontrollably...*

The people in my shift right now is trying to be strong. We haven't been taking our leaves for the past week few months and is understanbly burnt out of our brains. I constantly  think about a few things in the office, facing my laptop, at the same time trying to fight the urge of jumping down 16 floors :

1) I save pictures of white sandy beaches, of people in bikinis, lying down on their towel, sipping cocktails, in my laptop... right now it seemed like a faraway dream that I could not quite reach out to... but again... one can hope... secretly, I wish I can beam myself somehow out of the office without anybody noticing.

2) My PTO (paid time off, or in Malaysia, we just call it Annual leaves) have officially reached about a month. I wish I can take all of it at one time.

3) Constantly thinking am I more burnt out because I am single? Yes? No? Maybe?

4) Should I be more grateful that I don't have to be more burnt out because I don't have emotional men to deal with?

5) Should I stop by at Ikea to have that sinfully and surprisingly delicious RM 1 vanilla ice cream cone?

6) Am I like bummed now that I am about to turn 31 in less than a month starting from now?

During my weekly banana leaf rice fuelling session in Bangsar last weekend, I was positively not myself. After that we drove around KL and I was yabbing.... incessantly about stuff that I can't even figure out. I was also yawning trying very hard to not fall asleep in the car. At the same time, I was also kind of grateful that I wasn't driving, to this, I thank Bitch who actually had the strength and gumption to 'layan' an anti-sosh woman.

Questions... questions... questions... I think I need a big bottle of sauvignon to drown my thoughts.