Silent Regret

When you decided on giving up on a friend, trust me, it is a big deal.

Especially, when you have so much faith in that friend and you believe (In this case, it really meant, thought.) that this friend of yours could go far, and he or she could also be there for you, in time of need, in those times when you have noone else to turn to but them.

And this happening just a day after a good friend went away, to GOD, is a big deal. When you lost another one of your reliable friends, friends who will always be there for that occasional ‘I want to get drunk’ session, on a permanent basis feels like losing a part of yourself, because this person knows you too well, it feels like this person chipped away a part of you, as a souvenir.

I admit I have been very problematic for the past few weeks. I went through a certain recent event by myself and it made me feel emptier. I want nothing but close friends, friends whom I could hold on to tightly and cry to. The fact that all of the friends I could hold onto are not in JB made it worst. I feel lonelier and naturally, I hoped to fall back onto someone who is closer, who I thought knew me.

Just to find that the person didn’t really want to be there for me, really. That person never did, and that made it harder to believe in the so called friendship that I personally thought we had.

I lost a friend to cancer last year, and last Saturday, I lost another dear friend to the same disease. I didn’t know who to turn to, and when I received the news, I stood in the rain for a few minutes. After that, I took some sleeping pills and went to sleep.

It was not a good sleep.

The next day, I felt like going out. I want to go out, have lunch with anyone who would, and I started calling, one by one said no, but Anna said yes, bless the girl. After lunch, I walked to the bus stop, also in the rain, tried to clear my head.

I went to catch a movie, alone. And then I bought a bottle of wine, and I make the call again, seemed like everyone was feeling uppity, everyone have something to do, but me, the person who just went through mess and whose friend just died.

But no one knows that.

And then it happened. And then I gave up. And then I felt sad. And then I ran to the washroom and bawled my eyes out.

And then I swear to never let anyone in my life like that again.

For someone as insensitive as I am, I never thought that those words will scar me for the rest of my life. I never thought that someone would get tired of being there for me, when I made a promise to myself that I will always be there for them.

I got tired. I said nomore of this.

In memory of Philip, who was a great friend, a great father and a great confidante. I would ask why do you have to go in times when I would need you the most, but then it would not be appropriate to question God’s will.

Remember those times when we would drink ourselves silly, finishing a bottle of Cabernet on the balcony of Rimi’s apartment? Slurring through a conversation?

I was thinking of doing that again, with someone whom I thought was one of my dear friends… but guessed I was wrong. I thought of reprising those moments where the two of us would just talk, in a drunken stupor, with someone whom I thought was a close friend of mine, in hopes that somehow that would make me remember you fondly, as I thought it would feel the same, drinking with this same person, as I had, with you.

Guessed I was wrong.

So tonight, when everyone in the family has gone to sleep, I hoped to drink this bottle of wine with you, in spirit, and get drunk with you in spirit. I know I will never be alone, because I know you will be there in spirit, with me.