A day After

Trey called yesterday.

When he heard of the passing of a dear friend, he called me up. I was in no mood to talk. I could feel the presence of his fiancé beside him, somehow, and I do not think it was appropriate. I sensed him moving away.

Somehow, he got to know about my condition from another friend, who is on her way back to Malaysia to see me.

“How did you become so needy?”

His voice, for once echoed in the phone. It is the same tone he uses when he is trying to suppress his anger.

“I am not.”

“What happened to the fiercely independent chick I got to know 5 years ago? What happened to that?”

I hesitated before answering.

“She died. No longer here.”

There was a long silence. I was alone at home at that time. My cell phone was not in use. I was holding a glass of wine and was looking at half a bottle of red on the table.

Trey didn’t say anything. He was quiet on the other hand.

“Sarcy, I wish I am there with you now.”

“Why? I can take care of myself. You guys have fabulous lives. I want you guys to live it up. You guys meet great people. I am just not destined to. Now I am asking myself why I am in this clique anyway.”

“Because you are fabulous.”

“I think WERE is the operative more suitable word now.”

“You are giving up on yourself.”

“I gave up on a lot of things, dammit and I don’t care.”

I lost a part of myself, and having no one to turn to, I keep it to myself, I lost two friends to cancer in two years, and had no one to turn to, I turned to God. Being that I was never one his favorites, I think he ignored me.

Maybe J was right, I need to move, I need a fresh start. I need to not be there all the time for other people. I need to turn off my phone, or change my number. That number has been with me for ages and it is also because of the fact that I never changed my number, that person managed to call me and we got into the crazy groove once more.

I need to be there for me. and the best thing to do it is to avoid that person, avoid being a friend anyone can count on, because when that happened, you become vulnerable, and that concept of being there for other people would be ingrained in you and eventually, you will lose yourself.

All those memories haunt you day and night. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t live and you let the past consume you… like that stupid Japanese movie I caught a few days before.

The worst to deal with are those happier times. Those things always managed to put you down to the oblivion of lows, because it promised somewhat, a future, that things will work out.

But things didn’t.

I regretted many things in life, among other things, I didn’t say yes to Philip’s request to fly over to Boston a week before he died, I said yes to meeting up with that person for the second time and to start over a year ago, and I asked Trey to go without me, because I believed he could go far, and I would not be able to help him with it.

Trey is my biggest regret. I never got over it. Speaking to him and the fact that the both of us still do care about each other makes it worst.

I think I do need a vacation.