Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Relationship? Moi?

I sometimes look at couples longingly, more often than not, I will casually remark to my best friend on how nice it would be to have a boyfriend, someone who would adore me, insisting on taking pictures of me (of my face that is), and noticing every single freckle, wrinkle and crease on my face.

The thing is, I had that. And the thing was, I ran.

See, it's been more than 15 years since my real relationship. When I met Trey, I was young, brash and kind of stupid. When he proposed to me before he went off to UK, I was 20, and so, I bailed. I wasn't ready for a marriage at that time. I was in love with him, we broke it off after trying long distance for a year. I felt it was unfair for him more than it was unfair for me. We stayed in touch before he finally got hitched to another woman, of the same name, and who celebrates the same birthday as mine.

After Trey, there had been no one.

In 2012, about two weeks after Tom died, I met a Dutch guy, who was decent and, well, caring. He cared about me in a way I cannot accept, because, well, I wasn't really feeling it. And he was emotional, too emotional, as a matter of fact. It was annoying me. When it becomes annoying, it is best for it to end.

So, not wanting to lead him on, I cut all contact with him. I even refused to reply his emails. I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore.

Which is a great thing really, because he ends up with another woman, and I end up with a guy who cooks for me, take my pictures for fun and was one of the few people who helped me out during my crap year in 2014. But, it is a casual relationship, with no promise of anything.

And, strangely, I prefer that. No promise, no pain.  No heartache.

I deduced that, while it is great to have a relationship, it might not be the 'thing' for me. Because, I know I will only run from it. There will never be another Trey in my life. And, yeah, it is ok for now. 

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