Relationship? Moi?

I sometimes look at couples longingly, more often than not, I will casually remark to my best friend on how nice it would be to have a boyfriend, someone who would adore me, insisting on taking pictures of me (of my face that is), and noticing every single freckle, wrinkle and crease on my face.

The thing is, I had that. And the thing was, I ran.

See, it's been more than 15 years since my real relationship. When I met Trey, I was young, brash and kind of stupid. When he proposed to me before he went off to UK, I was 20, and so, I bailed. I wasn't ready for a marriage at that time. I was in love with him, we broke it off after trying long distance for a year. I felt it was unfair for him more than it was unfair for me. We stayed in touch before he finally got hitched to another woman, of the same name, and who celebrates the same birthday as mine.

After Trey, there had been no one.

In 2012, about two weeks after Tom died, I met a Dutch guy, who was decent and, well, caring. He cared about me in a way I cannot accept, because, well, I wasn't really feeling it. And he was emotional, too emotional, as a matter of fact. It was annoying me. When it becomes annoying, it is best for it to end.

So, not wanting to lead him on, I cut all contact with him. I even refused to reply his emails. I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore.

Which is a great thing really, because he ends up with another woman, and I end up with a guy who cooks for me, take my pictures for fun and was one of the few people who helped me out during my crap year in 2014. But, it is a casual relationship, with no promise of anything.

And, strangely, I prefer that. No promise, no pain.  No heartache.

I deduced that, while it is great to have a relationship, it might not be the 'thing' for me. Because, I know I will only run from it. There will never be another Trey in my life. And, yeah, it is ok for now. 

Go with the flow

Things change according to the circumstances you are in.

Take my current  situation for an example. I am unemployed and have limited wage choices. I have money out, but meagre money in. I made adjustments, telling credit card companies that I will only be able to make the minimum payment and downgraded my broadband usage plan from 350/month to less than 200/month. I no longer drink Starbucks as often as I did, and I cooked my own food.

I am not saying that I won't be employed soon (It depends on whether I am brave enough to take another chance, after the whole 'Sucky Job' catastrophe), but, some things have to change.

Looking back, because I was depressed and unhappy, a big chunk of my salary went to impulsive buys. I once went all out and spent RM 1000 plus on clothes in ZARA.

Artificial happiness lasts anywhere between 1 second to about 60 seconds. After that, dragging those gorgeous heels to work was still a chore.

The only few good things about that experience was I now have nice dresses, shoes and lingerie, I know how the Disputes process works and I know that I need to be happy to be productive. If out of 10 months of work, and that was all the positives that you are getting out of a job, it's time for your to leave and move the fuck on.

I used to tell myself that my unhappiness was secondary. I kept on telling myself that, most people are not happy with their job, but they stay at it anyway. Why can't I do the same?

Well, the problem is, I know how a 'happy job' feels like. So when something sucks, it sucked.

My problem is juvenile at best, but on an individual level, it is a major achievement for me to use the balls I don't physically have and make the exit, and I am quite proud of myself that I stayed on until my last day.

I exited--- Properly.

And that alone showed that for a rebel, I am professional in every sense.

Namaste. 

Life is too important to be taken seriously ¬ Oscar Wilde

A friend lost his mother today.

I received a message saying that our Thursday meet up will have to be cancelled as he needs to go back to the UK. I wasn't thinking when I asked him if 'It's about Mum?'. He later told me that she passed in the morning and he had to go back to watch someone burn her.

That was dark humor on his end.
I have never lost anyone dear to me in my family. I know it is inevitable, everyone dies someday, but I would like to spend a little bit more time and positive energy with the people who matters in my life.

I lost Tom but that was beside the point. The point here is, how can we ever react to a loss of someone very very Important and close to us?

Tom was close to me, but at the same time, after thinking about it on many sleepless nights, he probably wouldn't be thinking about me the same way, if I happened to go before him. After all, he was the one who said that he didn't want to commit to anything.

So, I was taken for a somewhat short lived, but nice, ride.

It has been almost 3 years since he passed away, and I am slowly grasping much more reality than before.

I spent last weekend in Genting, not gambling but accompanying someone who wanted to experience the casino.

I am never a gambler, I told a friend.

He told me that I may not gamble with my money, but I gamble with my emotions and livelihood. I place my happiness first now, but I can be vulnerable to people who care about me and the things that are dear to me.

I felt somewhat, a little subdued today after I received the news of the passing of a person I have only said hi to over Skype, once. So I imagine how it would be like if it is my turn to experience that.

Objectives

When I was a kid :

- I wanted to grow up.
- I wanted to eat fast food everyday.
- I hated boys.
- I wanted to make money.

When I was a teenager :

- I wanted to grow up.
- I wanted to get into a university.
- I hated boys.
- I hated my body.
- I hated my face.
- I wanted to make money.

When I was in my early 20's :

- I wanted to make money.
- I love boys.
- I hated my body.
- I wanted a husband.
- I wanted children.

When I was in my late 20's :

- I wanted self awareness.
- I had a love - hate relationship with men.
- I was in awe of my body.
- I wanted a partner.
- I gave up on a lot of things.

When I hit 30 :

- I was... feeling a sense of underachievement, but in a way, I couldn't believe I made it that far.
- I lost almost 20 kg.
- I had been practicing yoga for about 2 years at that time.
- I realized that most of my exes are non - Malays, and that I was less hurt and less suffocated in those relationships compared to when I was in a relationship with Malays.
- I realized that, I wouldn't be able to get some of the domestic stuff in life even if I try.
- I had a love-hate relationship with men.

Now :

- I realized, that happiness is the key. I was a better person when I was happy. I was a mess when I am not.
- Money is immaterial in happiness. I was most happy when I was at my old job.
- I realized that, I would never be someone's girlfriend, never going to be proposed to, never going to have children.
- I realized that it is okay to never be any one of those things.

On lucky charms

I admit, I have been enjoying my time off, and at the same time, I was also worried and anxious. 

The truth is, my confidence was shaken by my past failure of an experience. I have difficulties believing that I can indeed do the things I did, a year ago. 

I am afraid of the possibility of prolonged anxiety on job performance. 

I flicked a coin into a man-made river in Genting earlier. I wished that I would get an opportunity to have a job that I would enjoy giving my all without making me feel like killing myself everyday. 

I have a semi precious stone that was said to lighten my burden and to aid in getting what I want, if you believe in that kind of thing. 

Lucky charms, we all can do with a bit of mystical help, no?