Meditation... and why I am crap at it

The last time I tried meditation, was maybe last year.

I was trying out a Kundalini Yoga class and to explore our 'spiritual side', meditation was one of the agendas of the class.

I am one of those who cannot sit still. I am in constant need of doing something. Anything... just... something.

I get frustrated when I have to go for my facial. I will only go for facials when I am really... tired. That's the only way I could actually stand 60 minutes of NOT MOVING.

I am not trying to put meditation on the same plane as getting a facial. I am sure on a spiritual side, getting a facial holds less significance then meditation.

Anyway, back to my last meditation 'session'.

We were asked to 'shut our worldly desires and focus on our inner peace'.

What went on in my head, and still does to this day was (is) that :

' Why should we shut our worldly desires to find inner peace?'

I mean, who is to say that we are not able to achieve inner peace by responding to our worldly desires?

And what exactly are worldly desires?

Sex, I guess is one of them, but I thought, there is this Tantric sex terminology. It is believed that sex, however unorthodox it could be, leads to the final revelation of nirvana.

Unless of course I got that wrong.

But, in all essence, sex is basically, still a worldly desire, is it not?

The other thing that went through my head was why is it that we have to pull ourselves from the world, to achieve inner peace? Does this mean that we can't achieve peace unless we are out of this world?

So... there I was, in my imperfect lotus position, trying to meditate, trying to focus on my 'inner peace', and found out that the only thing I achieved during that session was a heightened sense of sound and smell (can't say sight because we have to close our eyes to find our inner peace.). I am suddenly aware of every sound, every movement around me.

I am pretty sure someone snored but I can't open my eyes to risk losing that 'inner peace'.

I am still not sure if the heightened senses were me getting closer to having 'inner peace' (You can say this with a degree of contempt and sarcasm, I would understand if you do.) but I was sure as hell that I will never meditate ever.

I take the corpse position at the end of every yoga class as an avenue for me to rest my body after all that twisting and bending. I still feel... awkward listening to the Yoga instructor telling us to 'let go......' But still, it's better than to shut my worldly desires to find inner peace. At least, the Yoga teacher I had only asked us to recognize our potential.

I mean, I respect people who believes in meditation. One of my friends said that she saw an astral projection of herself during one of her meditation sessions, which I thought, was totally cool!

I wish I can do that.

But I can't, and I am strangely ok with not being able to. I am perfectly happy with focusing my physical energy to find just peace.

That's a downer...

I don't know how is it that me and my best friends can do this.

I only have two best friends so far, and we share the same opinion and ethics on work.

Our whole entire livelihood depends on our job. The only reason why we are able to do all these things that we are doing in life is because we have a job. The only reason why we are at this particular point in life, is because we have a job to depend on.

A job we enjoy doing.

Well, sometimes, my job is not that enjoyable. Sometimes it's a chore.

Managerial is hugely misunderstood by most people.

A good manager do not order people around without knowing the essence of the 'order'. As a matter of fact, it's the total opposite.

A manager should know, on a high level, what the order is all about, how should it be delivered, how to track it and how to assess it.

It's not difficult to manage a team of agents (individual agendas, aside), but to manage a team that consists of Leads and analysts, that's something else.

Personally for me, Work must NEVER mix with your personal life. Whatever personal shit that happens in your life must be pushed aside when you are at work. I guess I am lucky that I have a degree of flexibility and options to work from home, when I don't feel like coming to work.

Yes, sometimes I mull over the fact that I am single, the one person I like is going to leave soon and all that crap. On these days, I function better at home. I function better working via emails and messaging.

I foresee that to happen a lot over the next couple of months.

But, I guess, I put it down on my personal work ethics, and possibly my ego.

I cannot, will not, NEVER compromise my work with my personal fuck ups.

Shit happens, leave it behind, and move the fuck on.

And as a rule of thumb... attrition will happen in operations. There is no such thing as 0 attrition, ever. Operations or not.

So, here I am, crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

Peace.

Me myself and I

I am somewhat disappointed with myself.

Before this, I swore to myself that I will never allow myself to be vulnerable, again.

Never again.

I find I get extremely upset when I am. I thought during my long 2 years single streak that I am over all this vulnerable bullcrap but NO...

Of course not.

OF COURSE God has more in store for me.

Like throwing me a man who wouldn't want to be committed to me.

A man who is the kind of person I would like to be with.

Someone I would love to be with, to live my life with.

And it's not about the money, cause we have none but enough.

It's not about the sex either, I guess both of us are over that.

It's about the companionship.

And it's about the care that the both of us show, at the same time, trying to refrain ourselves from showing to much of...

All I actually hoped from all this is that I'd mean something to him, and I can die a happy woman just knowing I mean something to someone who means a lot to me.

Get what I mean?

Or maybe not.

Why I am single

People seemed to have their own perception as to why I am single.

1) High Standards.
2) The need for me to correct everyone and everything
3) High Standards
4) Inability to commit
5) High Standards

Do I have high standards?

At 33, I don't know if I do have standards at all!

The only person I can see myself with, if I can ever have anyone like him come my way again would be The Scotsman.

I need someone I can actually talk to, who enjoys life, who is willing to share his life and who would listen and take me seriously as a person.

Unfortunately, The Scotsman and me is a no go. I guess, we are just born in different eras, wrong timing.

I am insignificant to him, and although I might even be in love with him, I am contented just knowing I am still able to love.

And no, The Scotsman didn't think I have the need to correct everyone and everything. He appreciated me for everything that I am, as am I with him.

So, I cried like a pathetic fuck yesterday, and today and probably will cry in the next few months, just thinking about this, and him.

But I am happy to at least have had the pleasure to be with him, in this short life span.

Power to 'some' of the people and of the justification of money takers in denial

I have openly admitted that I am apolitical.

Malaysian politics frustrates me. I know the moment I start talking about politics, I will keep on going on about how DUMB it is.

As for Bersih, I am not fond of it. And so... I don't care.

As one of the silent majority, we think it is stupid, a waste of time and a waste of intellect.

One of the things that they tried to bring up through this rally (Yeah... aside from a 'clean' election) were the abolishment of education loans.

To quote what my sister said about this whole schmuck, too many people have used the loans, too many people got the opportunity to study in universities, and so... too many smart asses were brought into the fabric of Malaysians' society.

These smart asses decided to call for the abolishment of the education loan because they can't get jobs that pay them enough as fresh graduates.

Let's do the math shall we. You graduated, got paid, and the agreement said pay about RM 119 - 250 a month.

Standard fresh graduate wages can go up to RM 1600 - 2300, depending on the company.

Why is it so difficult to cough up an unsubstantial amount from your pay to settle the money you had so joyfully signed a contract for?

Just because you are a graduate (who can't even be bothered to learn how to speak English properly), you are expecting a 3k pay package to cover a less than rm 500 loan payment?

Seriously? Like... seriously?

My sister and I agreed that these whacks are dumb asses who for any random reason, forgot how they would beg and cry for the loan to be approved, to be given the chance to study, to go into university, to be intellects... etc.

Shame, now all they have become are hooligans, street thugs.

Let this be a lesson to PTPTN to be more selective when it comes to approving future loans.

Although I am still paying off my loan, I don't wish for it to be waived. It's principal. Nobody else made me take the frikkin' money, I did, so I am going to pay for it.

It's that rare thing most young Malaysians seemed to have forgotten...

It's called---Responsibility.

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