Family Affair?

I am someone who is not family oriented.

I am kind of detached from my family somewhat. Detached here meaning that, I am just, not close to them.

I have been brought up on tough love. I was the eldest of three siblings and I had to be in charge, involuntarily.

It is not a tradition in our family to be affectionate. I don't hug or kiss my parents whenever I go out. I do kiss their hands, only because, it's THE thing to do to your parents or anyone else who are older than I am.

I don't sign off with a 'Love You' in my SMSes to my Mum and I never got a 'Love you' from them either.

It's all rather... awkward professional, actually.

I only 'peluk' and 'cium pipi' (hugs and cheek kiss) with my Aunts because they did it. You can see the awkwardness whenever my Mother, Sister and I had to do it.

That would be because, we don't do that. We have never been brought up that way.

So, because of that, I am unable to relate to family issues. Never been sure on how to act to the situation. I know that I give cash and stuff, but I am just, shite at doing all the other stuff.

I have never had that need to make babies in the hope of them taking care of me when I am old.

I am hoping that I would be good enough surviving on my own. Afterall, I am getting to used to being alone right now anyway.

Oh well, Maybe I would change, maybe I would not.

One thing's for sure... IF I am ever going to change... EVER, I would make sure that my kid would not grow up like me.

Why Yoga?

From my Facebook note :

I do have people who ask me... why Yoga?

They were curious over the fact that I have a gym membership, that I enjoy circuit training just as much as I enjoy 'elongating my spine and taking long breaths in a state of zen.'

I also have people asking me :

'Dude... so are you like... a hippie?'

or ;

'Are you like trying to copy Ninie Ahmad or something?'

(Just because I cut my hair short and do Yoga...=_=... in what world? I am huge, have thunder thighs and love my meat, so to emulate Ninie Ahmad is not possible.)

I was practising Yoga before it became cool.

I was practising Yoga before I shed off 12 kilos... that was when I was still in JB, making 1600 bucks a month.

and driving the frikkin' kancil.

With Moolah comes greater opportunities to do things in a more proper way.

So why Yoga?

Dude, when you are able to do shoulder stand like it's Tuesday... and the wheel pose like it's Thursday, you feel a kind of ecstatic sense of accomplishment.

And when you sit cross legged donning an Anjali Mudra thinking of nothing but to be in peace with yourself after a sweaty and intense sequence, you feel strangely.... good about yourself... and how about that time when you are able to do a Chaturanga thinking that shit... I can't do this a year ago, and now I can!!!!.

It's all about self achievement... although small and insignificant to other people, it is a major thing to be able to bend your feet on top of your head and twist your torso in bound sage pose.

So.. Why Yoga? Well... It makes me feel powerful about myself.

Can I now ask why cigarettes and giving excuses to not lead a healthier life and opting to rot slowly with nicotine infested lungs and fat asses to other people who asked me why Yoga?

Seriously. 

I

Is Lazy To Entertain S.T.U.P.I.D Dumb Asses.

Thank You and please DO NOT talk to me again.

Sincerely,

SomeoneWho'sFuckingSeenItAll.

WTF

Check out this email :

I LIVE IN OTTAWA, CANADA,I AM DIVORCMED…I AM VERY EDUCATED …I HAVE A PHD AND 3 MASTER DEGREES..I USED BE UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR IN SEVERAL UNIVERSITIES…................................I WORK IN TRANSLATION MATTERS AND LEGAL AFFAIRS…I AM A COMMISSIONER OF OATHS ALSO…I LIKE TO READ ..WATCH MOVIES MAKE RESERCHES…IN DIFFERENT SUBJECTS….ETC…LET US MEET SO PLEASE CALL 6xxxxxxxx OR SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO WE CAN TALK AND LET US MEET IF YOU R REALLY SERIOUS..IN ESTABLISING TRUE LOVE LONG RELATIONSHIP TOWARDS FUTURE COMMITMENT IF YOU WANT/I AM SERIOUS IN THIS RESPECT.

So....

I am just so happy that I can spell and that most grammar mistakes I did in here is because I am just too tired / sleepy but can't sleep / just can't effing be bothered to read through.

I am also happy that I have no Master's Degree(s) or PHd too... if those things could actually make anyone write this way.

(And yes, this was someone who messaged me on a dating site. LOL!!!!

Moral of the story : Do NOT tell people that you have degrees and make grammatical / spelling booboos.

It's only OK if you are stupid like me.

Lijek

The thing about being rejected for more times than I would like to admit is that, it doesn't make you feel twice about rejecting.

So, I rejected another umm... thing that could maybe develop into something meaningful.

That could also turn into a nightmare 3 months down the line.

Either or, no options there really.

At the end of the day, I would rather be with someone who already made it clear what 'We' are all about.

I think I now know what I need. I need someone who is able to be real with me, to be straight up with me from the start. No games.

No fucking games.

I made the mistake of considering things that I would never do this year.

One of them was to think that a long distance relationship 'could' work.

I have been there, have done that... and NO. It's not something I want to do.

Either I will flake, or he will.

And I am almost going to be 33!!! 33 and I am still thinking like a fucking teenager.

*Hits head on wall*

I am just hoping 2012 is going to be a better year.

That is if it's not the end of the world... yet.

My soul is this thing... that floats around my head?

Taken from Dictionary.com :

Soul :



noun


1.the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans,regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body, andcommonly held to be separable in existence from the body;the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physicalpart.
2.the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect, oras believed to survive death and be subject to happiness ormisery in a life to come: arguing the immortality of the soul.
3.the disembodied spirit of a deceased person: He feared thesoul of the deceased would haunt him.
4.the emotional part of human nature; the seat of the feelingsor sentiments.
5. a human being; person.


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I have no idea how to edit the settings of this post, so let me just get to it. 


I have never quite understood the concept of the word soul. 


I mean, does it float... and if it is visible,would it look like a halo around your frikkin head? Does it have anything to do with the classic 'Good Vs Evil' thing that happened in cartoons where a Devil sat on your left shoulder and an angel hovering on your right?


It gets even more confusing when I try to interpret it using everything I know about Islam. I am not saying I know much,  but I do know enough to say that I know stuff. 


Soul is defined as 'nyawa' in Malay, which in turn translates directly to 'Life'. 


I still remember the subtitles to an old black and white P. Ramlee (An old movie genius) classic, 'Nujum Pak Belalang (Literally translated; Pak Belalang, the astrologer?; I welcome any other suggestions to the title in English.). It did refer to soul as 'nyawa'. 


Comparing to the quality of English now to how it was back then, I would rather accept the old translation.


So will my soul be doomed to hell for having sex, drinking beer and swearing like a sailor? Won't I be able to redeem it by living my life believing that no one is ever black or white, only good or bad?


Will my soul be polluted just because I believe in what I believe in now? 


Will it? 


Strange thoughts comes to mind when I am gazing at the sunrise from the 16th floor at 6.59 am in the morning after a long night of Payroll Core training.

Who I am can't be measured by what I've gone through...

I was told by The Scotsman this when I showed him one of my photos, taken shortly after I ended one of my many 'relationships' that, he could see the sadness in my eyes.

Then he saw the other pictures before the picture I showed him, he stopped and he looked at me :

"Wait. Have you ever been happy back then, sweetheart?"

I looked at him and asked, "Do you mean that I still don't look happy now?"

"You looked different back then compared to now, and I don't mean physically."

Oh well... whatever that means, I know that I am, stronger now, and I have the best men actions predictor ever.

I have been able to predict how my many dates would end up. I can pick out the lies and the telltale signs of a 'WhamBamThankYouMaam' losers.

I even set a service level for this.

So far, all men I have met met the service level.

The Service level is for how long would it take for the men to act that they are just not into me the way I want, and to take me as a sexual plaything :

48 hours.

Oh well. Fuck it. This is a skill I won't take for granted.

I

... Have been trying to think about what to blog for some time now.

Been quite at peace with myself, I have been doing Yoga a lot and had been seriously rethinking stuff.

Not many people know this but 5 years ago, I was seriously considering giving up meat. 

But I love my meat too much. And so, that's why I am still a meat eater until now. 

Everytime I am doing my Surya Namaskar, I will be reminded again and again on how short life really is. 

Anything can happen and anything Will happen. 

Which somehow sends chill down my spine. 

That, and the horrendous service level my team's been slammed with. 

Happy Thursday everyone.

The Scotsman and our complicated 'thing'

The Scotsman and I never take what we have as a relationship.

From the first time I saw him, I knew that this would never work. He is charming, but somehow, I get that vibe.

When I met Lululemon, I got that same, THIS will never work, but I also had that 'Well, it might...' feeling.

But, I gained myself another friend. Just friends, nothing more than that.

All the other men I met, the spattering of them, ended up as acquaintances.

The guy who was introduced to me, who was dating one of the celebs, I almost didn't want to to go out on a date with him. But I did.

Predictably, that one went down the drain almost as soon as the date started.

It was one of those disaster dates. I would rather suffer through a bad sports injury than going through the painful 2 hours of coffee with him.

I mean, realistically, would someone who dated a 'celebrity' so called want to be involved with a nobody like me? This fat ass?

In what world?

At that time, I was also kind of, dating another guy. (I am single, what do I care.)

It was ok, I guess. And strangely, I don't have any expectations whatsoever. I am like... meh... I was thinking, I will take it as it comes, come whatever fucking may.

At that point, I realized that, I am truly, if not completely, over this. This whole habit of expecting something to come out of a date, it's not there anymore.

And somehow, I feel a bit disappointed, if not sad at myself for this. I mean, I am officially no longer a romantic, I am officially THE most cynical person I know.

I have no imagination and until I see it with my own two eyes and get it from someone, I am going to go for healthy skepticism.

I told The Scotsman about this, and he told me that it only feels right with us because the both of us know what to expect at the end of the line. Both of us know that when the right person comes 'for me' (He emphasized on me finding the right person.), then we will be laying down some ground rules.

I know I will be sad when the time comes. I mean, I know I will be happy if there is ANYONE at all out there who would like to actually... like me, but to end this complicated thing with The Scotsman, there oughta be some bittersweet complexities there somewhere along the line.

I guess I would only know once I meet that other person, isn't it?

Cheers!

Yeah I am alone... and Yes... I make more money than you.

The thing about people is that sometimes, they annoy the shit out of me.

I mean, how can I not be annoyed?

It seems as if the fact that I am alone and I am enjoying my life because I do not have some 'man' figure nagging my head off when I wanted to buy something that I want and not need just begs for the question of...

WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?

Yes, I have The Scotsman, Yes I have another person I am dating right now, and YES, I can no longer roll with Malaysian men (Unless they are gay).

So... what gives? Why can't I just be left the fuck alone?

Oh yes... Fudge Yew!