Black hole

A lot of things are happening in my life right now.

Well, not actually a lot. It just seems like a LOT because I over think stuff.

When I went for a short drive, through Jalan Duta and Parlimen, basically one big round to get home, yesterday, I realized what I was doing.

I was analyzing.

I was analyzing the things that happened to me, the people that were involved in them, and what was my reaction to it.

Was I acting accordingly, or not? Was I being over zealous, was I taking it for granted? Was I not protecting myself enough? Was I happy that my guard was down? Was I happy that I was about to be paid severance pay? Or was I bitter because I am now about to be dismissed and it seemed that I am either under or over qualified?

The truth is, there are currently 7.125 billion (And counting) people living on earth right now. There are 1.8 deaths per second and an estimated 370,000 babies are born worldwide everyday.

And where do I sit? I am one of those 7 billion people living their lives, struggling to survive their own battles, every damn day.

What makes my battle any worse or easier than my other fellow humans?

In a crowd of 7 billion? Nothing really. Probably, money, and who they have in their lives, but most of us, depends on who we are, what we choose, and what we do.

I find it amazing that as much as I would like to say that I have a black hole trying to suck me in its oblivion circumstances, there are 7 billion other types of black holes, hovering on top of each and every one of us.

Makes me feel small, and insignificant. On that note, I am trying to think about it in a bigger picture.

With Love, Namaste.

Freud's Requiem

In his book, Freud discussed impermanence and Transience.

I read his book, during my 'short but comprehensive' experience in the university, years ago. It was something that I borrowed from the university's library.

Lately, I have been thinking about a lot of things that pulled me down to a state of, depression.

The lay off was disheartening. Changes are coming, most of which I am most uncomfortable with. And the state of my personal life is not at all encouraging.

I have been having the urge to bawl like a baby from time to time. Sometimes I have no control over things I am crying over.

Suicidal thoughts run through my mind.

My friends, keep me grounded. My journal, keeps me sane. To a point. My practice, keeps me tethered to a part of myself.

Outlook for now... Bleak.

Namaste.

Realization

1) I realized when I was a kid, I was not able to touch the tip of my nose with my tongue. I lived with it. I am happy.

2) I realized I can't ever whistle any tune. However, I was blessed with a non - tone deaf sense of rhythm, and a nice voice. I lived with it. I am happy.

3) I realized that I can lose weight. I lost it. I lived with it. I am happy.

4) I realized that I am quite good at backbends in my Yoga practice, however, I suck at arm balances. I lived with it. I am happy.

5) I realized that no men will look at me and think 'she would be the ideal woman to wake up next to, to be in a relationship with, to go through thick and thin with, or to stay by when she is sick.'

I lived with it. I am not so happy, but life has to move on.

With love, Namaste.