Thinking over...

Miguel, my friend recently came over to KL from the States for a brief visit before he goes off to Jakarta for work.

He was my Strategic Business Unit Manager, who I had come to see as a friend and confidante, even after he resigned from the company.

It was nice meeting him again, after 3 years. We kept in touch via email and phone calls for the last few years and to actually seem him in the flesh was great.

Because we are no longer work colleagues, we no longer have obligations to be 'professional about our personal lives'.

He is in a relationship now with his current girlfriend and something that he said made me think :

"I honestly can see myself with her, for a long time. Perhaps, if it's possible at all, forever. Once it goes past the physical, you know you are ready for it. The other women I date before this was you know... like ... whatever."

I can't help to think that, I have been a lot of men's 'Whatever'.

And to make matters worst, I can't seem to believe that I will come to that point of wanting to be with someone, for a long time.

You know it's either you have been single for far too long or you are just too much of an expert in predicting the next course of events.

At 32, I am not in a rush to be in anything... but it doesn't mean that I don't ever want it to happen. Guess when you are over that thirties threshold, you just refuse to settle and prefer to be with someone who would balance you with their differences.

It's depressing to think about it, yes. But thank God that my exercise regime helps me to cope with it.

I don't know when's the next time I would have the time to write an entry, but in case I won't :

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all those who celebrates it.

PS : Not in the mood to celebrate it this year, but it's only proper that I still wish the best for everything.

Thoughts #3

I was at Pavilion waiting for The Scotsman when I saw the couple.

They must have been, maybe in their 60's and were having their tea. The husband fed a spoonful of cakes to the wife and then wiped some crumbs off the corner of her mouth.

She, in turn, prepared his coffee, two teaspoons of sugar, and stirred slowly.

I know that I have a sarcastic opinion on love. I have almost zero ability to fall in love with anyone. I have, instead, learnt how to zero in on just my animal instincts.

I mean, if men can only see me as sex material, I will just have to give in, right?

And then The Scotsman joined me, kissed me on my lips and removed my earphones.

"I love those earrings. They are new?" He asked.

I shook my head, and he took my hand.

It was only a 30 mins meet, but yet it made my day.

I can't imagine having someone who would make my day, everyday.

I can't imagine being so much in love with someone and to stay in love for more than a year, without a man wanting to end it or me trying to walk away from it.

I think, 30 years from now, I might just be seen having coffee and eating cake, on my own.

I just hope, I'd still look considerably good for a 62 year old.

So... what now?

I have this face.

I have this face that tells people that I am ok if it's only for fucks. Only for play, only for mental stimulation, only as a stepping stone...

It's either my face, or it's just that I give out that vibe that I want to only be involved to that extent.

But I know that I want more than that, sometimes, well... every other time...

It'd be nice to have someone to fall back to just because they would be ready to have your back.

You know what I mean?

Eh... me neither.

So, I am still only for fucks, had been, and always will be.

Fucked eh?